*trigger warning*

Chapter 23

       I didn't want to leave Wilder alone, but thankfully he said he would come with me when he asked what was wrong and I said something was up with Nolan. 

       I got there as fast as I could. I had always felt protective of Nolan ever since he came out of the closet, even if what he was going to had nothing to do with his sexuality. Sure, the main reason I was protective of him was because I always had a huge crush on his sister, but another reason was because he was one of the nicest people I had ever met and didn't deserve everything he was going through.

       In fact, he really was the nicest person I had ever met.

       When Wilder and I got to the house, I knocked on the door. Alan was the one to answer it and he let me and Wilder in. "So, what's going on with Nolan?" I asked.

       "He locked himself in the bedroom and he's refusing to let anyone in," Alan said. "We're really worried because....of some things he has done in the past. Our parents aren't here, and Jerome had to go out somewhere and he's trying his best to get back but he's stuck in traffic, so you're kind of our only hope."

       "Okay, and I really hate asking this, but what exactly has he done in the past?" I asked. "I'll have to know as I try talking to him."

       Alan hesitated, looking away as he rubbed the back of his neck. Whatever it was, it must have been very severe.

       "That bad?" I asked.

       Alan sighed and looked back at me. "Nolan has tried killing himself. More than once. The last time, he ended up in the hospital and had to stay with Jerome for a few days. Not only that but....he also used to self-harm."

       Oh, wow. That, I honestly didn't expect from Nolan. I knew he was struggling, but I didn't know he was struggling that bad.

       Orchid walked over to us. "I knew him pretending everything was okay wasn't going to end well, but he's too stubborn at times to listen. Alan and I are usually able to talk to him, but he's shutting us out so I really hope you can do it."

       "I'll try," I said. "Where's his bedroom?"

       Orchid pointed to a door, so I walked over there before lightly knocking on it. "Nolan," I said in a soft voice. "It's me. I know I'm probably one of the last people you would talk to, but you can't shut everyone out."

       "I don't want to talk, okay?" Nolan said.

      "I know you don't want to, but it's best if you do," I said. "Keeping all these emotions bottled up inside? Trust me, it can never lead to a good things. I keep so much bottled up inside, and it makes me....well, not the happiest."

       "It's not the same thing," Nolan said.

       "I know it's not," I said. "I'll never understand how you feel. No one will, but you can at least talk to people about it. I'm sorry about everything you're going through. I feel like it's my fault. I should have slammed on the breaks before hitting the tree."

       "Atticus, you can't blame yourself," Orchid said.

       "Why not?" I asked. "I walked away from the accident perfectly fine, and Nolan didn't. He can't walk and it is my fault."

       "Stop saying that," Alan said. "It isn't, and Nolan knows it. It's not his paraplegia that's making him shut us out. It's everything else that's going on, and that just happens to be something on the list."

      "Yeah, and he doesn't blame you for it," Orchid said. 

      "Nolan, can you please just open the door and let someone in?" I asked. "I don't want to see you do anything harmful."

       Wilder then walked over. "Nolan, things will get better," he said. "Trust me, they will. I don't have what you have, but I do have a mental illness too. Ever wonder why I'm allowed to listen to music in school? I'm schizophrenic. I hear voices all the time, and I hate it. I want it to end, but I know hurting myself won't make things better. It will only make things worse, especially for the people who love me. You know what does make me feel better? Talking to people who I know love me. Not pretending everything is okay when I know it's not."

       I was hoping that would work, but it didn't. Nolan didn't say anything.

       "The voices tell me to kill myself at times," Wilder continued. "I don't listen. I want to, but I don't. Just....talk to me. Tell me why you're shutting everyone out."

       "I feel so useless," Nolan said. "I can't do anything. I used to help my parents cook dinner. I can't do that anymore. If I want to go somewhere, I need someone to take me. I need someone to help me get in and out of cars. I even have to get my boyfriend to help me get in and out of the shower. My boyfriend who moved in here to help me out, who is basically reliving high school just to help me get around and keep my calm, who will drop everything if I even cut a finger. I don't even deserve him."

       "Yes, you do," Wilder said. "And don't you fucking dare say he's too good for you. He's your boyfriend, so of course he'll do everything for you, and there definitely isn't anything wrong with it. He loves you, you love him, you deserve each other. Now you better open up this fucking door before I break it down."

       And there goes Wilder being all nice and helpful to his regular cursing self.

      However, it somehow worked, because Nolan opened the door, then moved his wheelchair out of the way so he could open it up wider. Orchid rushed into the bedroom and wrapped her arms around her brother. "Please don't shut us out again," she said. "I don't want you hurting yourself again."

       "I'm so sorry," Nolan said, hugging Orchid back tightly.

       "Don't be sorry," Orchid said. "It's not your fault you feel this way."

       It definitely wasn't Nolan's fault, but hearing him say how useless he felt only made me feel more guilty. I should have done more to stop it from happening, but I didn't.

       I was the reason Nolan was suffering right now.

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Aww, Atti baby, nooooooo. 

But can we appreciate Wilder being the one to help out Nolan? LIKE YAS CINNAMON ROLLS YAS.