she had long sandy hair forever worn in two braids
earth-colored eyes
skin the color of clouds

she was insufferable, annoying as could be
she was full of wonder
she laughed a lot

she had the sun in her smile
the moon in her hands
the stars in her hair

she had the world at the tip of her tongue

she was my sister.

sound
metal against metal
something turning the wrong way
something snapping
something dying

screams
whisper

i'm sorry

the sound tore from my throat

don't leave me!

wet streaking down my cheeks, dying on my lips

dying like her

white
white walls
white lights
white floor
white skin
white eyes
red sheets

silence

a buzzing noise as I waited
I sat on the chair of the waiting room.
I picked at my cast, it was itchy. it was too white

my leg was not white
my leg was not meant to be the color of snow

it was meant to be sunburned

tanned

a man walked through the gates of a realm of white and red
he approached the boy across from me
his lips moved
but made no sound

I couldn't hear his hushed words
but they must have been bad
because the boy didn't move
because tears started to flow
as blue as his eyes
down his porcelain cheeks.

the man left the boy to cry by himself.
I gave him a dirty look.

he saw and scurried away
through the doors
through the gates.
back to his realm of white and red.

away from the world that was blue and yellow.

coward

I went over to the boy
and sat next to him.
I put my hand on his
and gave him a smile

because mom always said
that smiles
were better than pills
and if no one gave anyone smiles
all they would have
would be the pills.

his chin was down
he wouldn't meet my eyes.
or maybe he couldn't.

maybe the tears wouldn't let him see. 

so I tilted his chin gently
and wiped them away for him.

"there"
I said
"now you can see"
proudly.

I gave him another smile
so he wouldn't want a pill.

his cheeks were still wet with his tears
so I wiped them away with my blue-gray sleeve

because I knew
that no one wants to have their tears
still there
on their faces to remind them
that they were sad.

I hugged him
and tucked his head next to mine
because he felt cold

and I knew
that when you were sad
the cold was already inside
no one wanted it outside too.

he hugged back.
I was warm inside too.

someone cleared their throat.
a woman was standing there.

I stopped hugging the boy
to listen to the woman in front of me.

he looked sad again
so I took his hand
in mine

and he looked a bit less sad
and so I was a bit more happy.

the woman looked sad.
why? I wondered.

"why are you sad?"
I asked her
"do you need a hug?"
I offered.

she didn't answer
she whispered, "she didn't make it"
I stared at her curiously, still not understanding.

"of course she didn't!"
I said, still not understanding.
she looked at me, shocked.

I went on, still not understanding

"she had soccer practice, of course she didn't make it in time!"
"but she'll be there tomorrow"
I looked over her shoulder, starting to understand.

my smile became strained.
the air started to get thin.

"when can I see her?"
I asked, starting to understand.
the woman shook her head

"never"

the walls became too bright.
"why?"

the world started to blur

"she's dead"

they were whispered
but they were sharper than the metal that killed her.

I was still in the chair but
the world was spinning out of control.

"they're all dead"

the universe tumbling to pieces.
I would have stayed that way forever, finally understanding.

but the boy wiped away the tears
and I leaned into his hand
because I needed to be warm outside
because the cold had already reached inside
and snuffed out the sun

snuffed out Pauline

A/N - I woke up crying with the name Pauline on my tongue. I knew she was my sister (in the dream) and I knew she died in a car crash. Small bits and pieces came back from there, and while I wrote I was almost crying because I could see it all so clearly.

The crash, the boy, the emptiness, the hospital.

I simply gave the images words
I simply made them a poem

 I had a vague feeling I was a child then. Maybe 8 or 9. And I had the feeling that Pauline was around 5 or so. 
I'll explain some terms. 

The world that was blue and yellow. Blue was the sky and the ocean, and yellow was the sun. 
Realm of white and red, the sterile white of the hospital in my dream, and the red of the patients' blood.

this was surprisingly dark and morbid. imagine how I felt when I awoke to pitch darkness, not knowing if it was real or not. I first had this dream a couple of years ago, and one day I heard the name, Pauline. I forgot where.

maybe the hallways.

maybe the streets

wherever it was, I remembered a lot. and that same night I had the same dream. so voila! here this is. hope you enjoyed