Why do I torture myself? Why do I allow this to go on? Why do I care so much? Because I do. I do care. I care so much. For every ounce of hate I hold in my broken body, I carry just as much love. I love so much, and it's hindering me.

Countless times, I was on the brink of suicide while living in that cold, dark house. I wanted to die. Part of me even wanted to feel the pain that would only last until my life slipped away from this horrible shell, and yet, I did not. Now that I am free, I am experiencing happiness for the first time in my life. I love my sisters (although I shall call them by code), Smile's, Gold, and Gemstone, I love my best friends, who are just as close as sisters (once more in code) , Bubble and Apple, and am even growing quite fond of our new friend, who is Apple's cousin, Bad Apple. Even so, when left alone with my thoughts, I wonder if it's worth it.

At first, it hurt to smile when I did it for the first time since before my imprisonment. Now, it only hurts because I smile so much. Whenever I'm feeling down, Smile's bounces up to me and squishes my cheeks, saying, "you're so chubby, Frost! Smiiiiiiiile for me chubby!" She's taught me to respond with, "I can't, Smile's! I'm tooooooooo chubby!" The first time she did this, I laughed so hard, tears came streaming from my eyes... and it's made me smile ever since, no matter how often she does it. I love Smile's...

Gold and Gem have their own methods of cheering me up. Gold likes to take me out and tell me what things are, like plants and animals. One time, I saw a tiny bird that was flying almost like a bee. Gold said it was a humming bird, and she told me about how they are the smallest bird that lays tiny eggs, and that their beaks are very sharp. I enjoy learning new things, but sometimes I need a review because it's hard for me to hold onto new information. Gold says my short term memory is probably caused by passed trauma. I love Gold...

Gem has a wonderful singing voice. When I'm sad, she first tries to demand what is bothering me, as if she could really repair my mental ailments. When she comes to terms with the fact that it's nothing she can actually fix, she sits with me, puts her arms around me, and sings...

Smile! No pony cares how you feel,
There's a world to beguile.
You can make this world kneel
If you'll just smile!
Always the best disguise,
A license to defile,
Everyone you despise will die,
So smile!

That's not the whole song, but that's my favorite part. Of course, my sisters and friends do care how I feel, but no body else does. Everybody else just says, "get over it." They don't understand that you can't just get over mental illness... but my sisters and friends do because they have their share of mental problems. Gem knows that she can't lie to me, she can't tell me everything is going to be okay. She can't tell me that everybody likes me. So she tells me the truth, but reassures me that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks because I have the potential to bring them down. I love Gem...

I get along better with Bubble than I do Apple, even though I get along with Apple extremely well. I think Bubble and I connect the best because we were both abandoned. Her mother dropped her in a forest far from her home, and as far as I could tell, her father hadn't been in on it. Her poor father... I can't imagine how upset he was that his little girl was gone. I wish I could track down bubble's parents. But when bubble catches me in one of my depressions, she takes me flying. I was so scared the first time we ever went flying, but now it feels so natural, almost like I was meant to be in a plane. Bubble always says that I'm just as free as any bird in the world, and maybe even more so. I love Bubble...

Apple is so very sweet. She used to let me watch her do her homework, but now that we're... well, she doesn't have homework anymore. So now, we sit together and try to read old books. I love Apple...

Bad Apple is still a bit frightened of me, I think, and she doesn't exactly know how to comfort me when she catches me crying. I told her everything I feel, and she ended up showing me the many scars on her arms, saying she used to cut because of her depression. I was impressed at the number of times she harmed herself, but was comforted to know that I was not the only person who considered taking her own life at one point or another. Bad Apple also told me about how her parents died, and she was just barely old enough to remember it. Apparently there had been a gas leak in the house they lived in at the time, and only Bad Apple and her older sister were able to get out alive. Bad Apple told me how she wanted to die with her parents, but her sister always said that living through pain makes one stronger. I'm not so sure I would get along well with her, but it made me realize that Bad Apple had undergone just as much pain as I had, just in a different form. We're spending more time together, but Bad Apple really idolizes Gold more than anyone. I'm sure that she will soon feel just like family, and I will learn to love her too...

But all of this love I'm feeling is a curse. I don't want to live, I really don't. The others don't know this, but... whenever I'm working on someone, I sometimes look at the tools and contemplate turning them on myself. Then I look at the faces of my family, and I change my mind. This hurts me so much. I wish I didn't care about them, I wish I didn't love them, because if I didn't, I could just get it over with. I hate life, even though I have found many things to be happy for. Am I weak for staying alive? Or am I strong? Why do I punish myself for feeling happy? Why do I cry whenever I feel like I've done something right? Why do I hate myself more and more each day?

Because there's no getting around it... I hate myself. When we were on trial, everyone there hated me, but I don't think they could possibly hate me more than I hate myself. I don't hate myself for the things I have done, no... I hate myself for existing. None of this pain would exist if it weren't for my birth, my birth that apparently caused my mother so much agony... mama, why didn't you love me? What did I do wrong? I could have been good if you had given me a chance... I just wanted to be loved, mama...

When will I finally decide that I don't care? When will I break? Can I really bring myself to leave them? I wish I couldn't love... I wish I wouldn't care... I almost wish I had never been saved...

I wish I were dead.