I don't really know why I wrote this, besides having nothing better to do at the time I did.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XW5z-M2Ryds

Darkness.

For a moment, that was all there was.

Then, I saw red.

Red sky... red buildings... red fireworks... red blood...

Wait, blood?!

I screamed at the sight of blood painting the alley where I awoke. I struggled to get back up on my hooves as I...

Hooves?!

What happened to my pale, flat feet?! Instead, I had giant hooves on four hairy legs! Down where my hips and butt were supposed to be, I had the body of a horse, coated in brown hair with a white blanket covered in brown spots across the back, and a tail the same color as my hair.

Speaking of hair, I reached back to pull some of my long, blonde hair forward. Except for being rather bushy, it seemed to stay the same. However, I noticed my arms were pink. The left one had a red butterfly tattoo on it. When did I get that? I could tell it was real because it wouldn't come off, making me panic (my mother always said she'd kill me if I ever got a tattoo).

I couldn't help but wonder, what did the rest of me look like? I clumsily ran into the streets to find a nearby mirror, window, anything to see my reflection. Once I found a shard of broken window, I saw my green eyes were now red with beige sclera, and I had two more tiny tattoos under each of them. A comma, or maybe a colon on the left, and a teardrop on the right. My eyelashes were unusually long, and I had no nose. Not to mention, I distinctly remember wearing a white and blue tank top, but this one was red and black.

“Where am I? What's happened to me?" I kept asking myself, subconsciously pawing at the pavement with one of my front hooves.

"Well, lookie here!" I heard someone holler. I turned to see a giant scorpion wearing a cowboy hat, along with some sort of lizard man and an equally large rattlesnake. "Seems we got ourselves a filly in need of breakin', boys!"

Suddenly, it hit me.

"Okay!" I laughed nervously. "This is obviously just a dream. I'm ready to wake up now! Somebody pinch me, please? I just- Ow!"

I screamed in pain as the snake burned my left flank with a glowing silver branding rod on the end of his rattle. I backed away, wincing in pain, but I already had a large mark of a pentagram in a circle.

"This ain't no dream!" the scorpion confirmed. "You're in Hell, bitch! And your giant horsey ass now belong to us! Rodeo, get out your lasso!"

"Yee-fuckin'-haw!" the lizard shouted, and wound up his rope. I closed my eyes and braced myself, but once I opened them, I saw, right in front of me, someone else had taken the lasso. A man, or at least I thought he was a man, who was very tall, had deep purple skin, muscular arms, curved horns on the top of his head, and dark blue wooly hair tied up in a fluffy bun.

"You oughta watch that aggressive behavior, buddy," he said, the rope around his body bursting into flames.

"Oh, stay outta this, Fat Albert!" the scorpion spat. "She's ours to collect!"

"Did you call me Fat Albert because I'm fat, or because I'm black?" the horned man asked calmly, yet still sounding intimidating.

"Steve, you know who he is, right?" Rodeo whispered to the scorpion.

"Damn, I do now," Steve replied, his exoskeleton shaking.

"Fuck it, I'm handlin' this shit myself!" the snake shouted, and his tail clicked to change from a branding rod to a gatling gun.

"Gunslinger, wait!" Rodeo warned, but just as the snake cocked his weapon, I watched the horned man's hands grow much larger as he ripped off Gunslinger's rattle and threw it at the trio!

"Ah! Son of a bitch!" Gunslinger screamed. Steve grabbed the rattle just before they ran off.

"AND IF I EVER SEE YOU SORRY FUCKS AGAIN," the horned man roared, his voice much deeper now, "I'LL HAVE MY COOKS THROW YOUR CARCASSES IN THE MEAT GRINDER AND SERVE YOU AS THE SUNDAY SPECIAL!"

Once they were out of sight, he turned to face me as I shook in terror. My eyes met his, which had white irises and red sclera.

"Wha... Wha..."

"Be grateful it was just those guys and not an exorcist," he told me as he lightly scratched his big belly.

"A what?"

"You must've just died," he figured. "What's your name?"

"Um... Ch-Chutney."

"Funny, you don't look like chutney," he said. "Since you're dead now, you could change your name if you want. Most sinners do upon arriving here."

"Maybe," I replied. "Except I don't really remember dying... or how I could've died."

The horned man smiled at me, then pressed his hands together and opened them to suddenly reveal a small cake in his palm.

I was confused. “How did you...?"

“Here, eat this, it'll make you feel better," he interrupted, holding it out to me. I was hesitant. “It's just carrot cake. Go ahead."

I slowly reached my hand out and he placed the cake in my palm. I took a tiny bite and suddenly felt my stress levels begin to fall. I then looked up at the horned man again.

"What are you?" I asked.

"I am, what people down here call, an Overlord, though I prefer the term businessman," he explained. "I run the Underworld Bar and Eatery, my souls cook and serve all kinds of food to all kinds of sinners."

“Oh."

“So, what are you gonna do now?" he asked me. “I mean, since your sense of normalcy died with you, you'll have to start everything over from scratch."

"I... don't know," I admitted as I finished my cake. "I always wanted to be on my own, but never thought I actually would be."

"Well, good for you, but this isn't exactly the safest place to start," he pointed out. "Of course, it wasn't easy for me, either. You visit your girlfriend's family on the farm for Thanksgiving. Then, you get flung in the air by a crazed sheep, break your neck, and wake up down here. Everything you loved and worked hard to achieve, you'll never get it back."

“That must've been really hard for you," I replied sympathetically.

“At first, yes," he admitted. “But I quickly learned how things worked down here and made the best of an unfortunate situation. When I was alive, I owned a food truck. And just look at me now. However... all this power feels rather pointless without someone to share it with."

I felt my face heat up as his giant hand cupped one of my full cheeks, but I immediately snapped out of it. When I was alive, the people in my life never really treated me well. And Hell's supposed to be nothing but bad people, so this had to have been some sort of trap.

“Um, look," I said as I backed away, “your offer is... tempting. But we literally just met, I don't even know your name, and– Oof!"

I accidentally startled myself by hitting a wall with my horse rear. This new body's gonna take some time to get used to, I thought.

“It's Ramm," the horned man said, his voice deepening as he grabbed me by the waist. “What else?"

“Well, I, uh... You have bigger boobs than me?" I replied nervously, hoping it would offend him.

“Thank you!" he said. I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or was genuinely flattered. “What else?"

“Well, what about your girlfriend?"

“Last I heard, she's still alive, moved on, lost a lot of weight, and married and divorced three of her fitness coaches," Ramm recalled, and pulled me closer so my own soft belly would press against his. "Y'know, most new sinners don't survive their first Extermination Day, when angels fly down from Heaven and slaughter every demon in sight. Well, except hellborns and royalty. And there are other ways to end up double-dead before then.

Not to mention, very few Overlords are as generous as me. You give any of those guys your soul, you're fucked. I, however, don't want your soul. I've been lonely for quite a while, longing for someone to stuff and fuck, if they be willing. In return, I would provide protection... a roof over your head... food on your plate... a lot of food..."

“You... really love food, don't you?" I stammered.

“If you think about it, it's almost like sex," Ramm answered. “If done right, it fills you up and leaves you wanting more. How do you feel after eating that carrot cake?"

“I... I... I feel like I should think about this," I replied, squirming out from his grasp. Truthfully, I just didn't want to engage further in that conversation.

“Well, once you make up your mind, my restaurant is Downtown, just outside the Entertainment District," Ramm replied as I walked away while hugging myself. “Don't take too long to think it over."

Once I was away from him, I heard the sounds of gunfire and explosions and quickly decided to hide from them in a ruined building. I had no idea what I was going to do. In fact, I still don't. There is only one thing I know for certain.

My name is Carrot Cake.