CHAPTER NINE || LIL ASS KICKER

Alex led Carl out of the building, The baby girl in her arms as she opened the door to the courtyard tears still brimmed in her eyes, the pain in her chest even more powerful than before as she held back the sobs that threatened to leave her lips. she caught sight of the group, rick.. how was she going to tell rick...her grip on the baby in her arms tightened... her and carl, all that's all that was left of Lori, no photos... nothing else to remember her by. she was gone. 

walking towards them a sob escaped Alex's lips as her body weakened, her heart ached as Rick turned around, Glenn's eyes immediately falling on the blood that covered Alex's body and the baby in her arms. She could see how Rick's face fell, she could see the worry consuming his features as he saw her. 

 the air was thick with tension as realisation washed over the group and the world fell silent all eyes laid on the girl who held the screaming baby, Tears slipping down Alex's cheeks, The group gathered around, their faces etched with grief and despair.

The group rushed towards Alex and Carl. the clang of Rick's axe hitting the floor distracted from the baby's cries as the tension in the air thickened even more. He frantically asked where Lori was his voice breaking... trembling with emotion.  Alex shook her head unable to form the right words, a tear trickling down her cheek as Rick walked past her to Carl, breaking down into tears. How was she supposed to put into words what she had done?

His sobs caused the pain in Alex's heart to double as she took a breath trying to control her emotions let it was pointless the ache in her heart was excruciating as Glenn slowly walked up to her, tenderly cupping her cheeks. Her head fell to his shoulder as she cradled the baby, more tears streaming down her face as Glenn gently wrapped his arm around her, bringing her to his side in an attempt to comfort her. She accepted the warmth, the comfort she needed it, she wanted to scream she felt like her chest had just been ripped in two. She saw Rick fall to the floor, violent sobs wracking his body. Grief was palpable in the air as leant into Glenn's body.

Alex handed the baby to Carl as Daryl tried to speak to Rick, but he was out of it completely disorientated by grief. Alex leaned into Glenn's shoulder, the tears slowing down as she regained her composure, yet the pain in her chest.. she wasn't sure that would ever disappear. 

"I'm going on a run," Daryl stated, throwing the strap of his crossbow over his body. He wasn't ready to lose anyone else, let alone the baby. they needed formula, and soon. 

"Yeah, me too," Glenn nodded, looking toward Daryl as he rubbed Alex's back in another attempt to bring her some comfort. He was adamant he'd do something, anything he could to help. he felt it, everyone did, grief travelled in waves, it never just affects one person.. it slowly travels through everyone infecting the whole group...

"I'll go too" Alex agreed, she couldn't let anyone else especially that baby suffer anymore. Daryl nodded before pulling Beth aside to speak to her. Glenn looked down at Alex concern evident in his eyes. he couldn't imagine the horrors she'd just experienced, but that was only one added to the long list of things that tortured her on the daily.

"you sure?" he asked pulling away from her slightly so he could see her better, her eyes red-rimmed from tears as she nodded. She had to do something, she had to look after them, the kids. lori's kids... and from that moment, she'd vowed she would protect them.. no matter what the costs.

"yeah, I need to do this" Glenn nodded, taking in her words not needing to hear anymore as he turned back to Daryl who was still talking to Beth. Daryl then barked some orders at who in the group remained before Rick jumped up grabbing his axe and storming back into the cell block ignoring Alex's objections. her eyes widened, he needed to be okay.. he wouldn't let this break him right? he couldn't. but right now.. at that moment, she needed to get the formula for that baby. Alex and Glenn followed Daryl over to the cars and Daryl's motorcycle, Alex's hands still shaking as she thought about Lori's words as she looked at Glenn. The way he looked at her... what did that even mean?

"is there anywhere that hasn't been completely looted?" Daryl questioned as the group reached their car. they hoped to find somewhere stocked, get as much formula as possible, and stock up... just in case.

"We saw signs for a shopping centre, just north of here" Glenn suggested Daryl nodded putting his crossbow on his motorcycle. the new worry of the baby fueled everyone to help, the group staying with Rick, Carl, and the baby.. while Alex focused on formula.

"there's too much debris on the road the car will never get through there" Alex stated shoving her hands in the pockets of her Jacket to disguise how shaky they were, yet the trembling only grew worse as her blood-covered hands stained her pockets...

"I can take one of ya" Daryl huffed as he shrugged on his classic Leather vest. wanting to do right by Rick.

"alright I'll go" Alex nodded, Glenn's eyes falling on her as Concern Filled his eyes, Alex went to walk past him, but Glenn stopped her. his hand falling on her arm.

"no Alex, After everything you've been through okay? I'll go" Concern and worry laced his voice as he spoke, His eyes trained on hers... her blue eyes had changed, a darkness that was there before had grown. her eyes consumed with sadness, maybe even anger.

"I have to. for Lori." Alex shook her head at Glenn's words insisting it had to be her, He understood yet his Concern for the girl in front of him didn't falter. her thoughts slowed as her eyes met his, his brown eyes glued to hers as his gaze softened, a part of her wanted to let go, fall into his arms and sob... but she couldn't.

"okay" he sighed nodding, looking the girl up and down wishing he could be going with her, she wasn't stable enough, the trauma that lingered in her brain never seemed to fade... so in truth, was she ever stable?

"be safe." Alex nodded as she secured her gun on her waistband and walked over to Daryl's bike. Getting on behind him she wrapped her arms around his waist as he revved the bike before setting off.

the way he looked at her...   

**

Daryl and Alex managed to find minimal supplies: some formula, a few diapers, and a bottle. The sun had set by the time they got back to the prison. The sound of the new baby's cries echoed through the halls as they walked back into the prison. Daryl immediately took the baby from Carl and cradled her in his arms, his rough hands gentle as he tried to soothe her. Alex emptied the contents of her bag onto the table in the common area, the supplies they had found now laid out before her.

Hershel, Maggie, Beth, and the rest of the group gathered around, their faces etched with concern. They had lost so much, and the idea of losing this baby was unbearable. Alex's hands shook as she poured the formula into the bottle, her eyes never leaving the baby's face. she looked just like Carl when he was a baby... she looked like Lori. Alex made a bottle of formula shaking the mixture together in the bottle before handing it to Daryl who was gently shushing the baby in his arms.

"come on come on" Daryl's voice was softer than anyone had heard before as he began feeding the baby in his arms, a soft smile coming onto his face as he looked up at Alex proud of himself for silencing the screaming baby. she watched the interaction carefully,  how was she supposed to protect two children, prevent their innocence from being stolen by the harsh world?

"She got a name yet?" Daryl asked, looking down at Carl. Carl stayed silent for a moment as his eyes locked with his cousin's, a mutual sadness that now hung between the two after what they'd witnessed.

"No... but I was thinking maybe Sophia, Carol, Andrea, Amy, Jackie, Patricia, Lexi or Lori... I don't know," Carl whispered, her heart aching upon hearing Lori's name leave her younger cousin's mouth. She sighed, noticing Glenn's eyes trained on her again. Lexi?

"You like that, huh? Lil' Ass Kicker," Daryl hummed, looking down at the baby in his arms. The name made a smile form on Alex's face. Glenn watched the girl from across the room, her smile making an identical one show up on his.

Once Daryl had fed the baby He gently handed the baby over to Alex, she cradled her in her arms, the love she felt was almost instant.. she admired the baby's face as she cooed in her arms, Alex couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips. the pain in her chest was still prominent but in that moment while she stared down at the baby it eased... this was what Lori wanted, she gave her life to ensure this baby could still live theirs. 

**

"Hey, Alex," Alex heard her name being called as she walked back into her cell, all she wanted was a moment alone, her heart ached as grief sunk its claws into her chest, she'd barely had time to fully process everything that had happened in such a short time. sighing she turned to see the familiar Korean following her...

"What's up?" she asked trying to disguise the sadness that clung to her voice yet to no avail Glenn noticed... but he didn't want to pry, loss was hard on everyone, but being there, unable to do anything that wasn't just grief. walking into her cell and opening her backpack. She pulled out a small box of ammo to reload the clip of her pistol, she had to be prepared... she wasn't safe.

"I wanted to ask if you want to go on a run with me soon," he asked, approaching the small table Alex was standing next to,  she reloaded her clip, Glenn leant against the table trying to read how she was feeling and see if there was anything he could do to help.

"yeah, anything I can do to help the baby." Alex nodded securing her gun in her waistband, her hands going to zip her backpack up again before looking up at Glenn, his narrow dark eyes staring down at her, a piece of his brown hair falling onto his forehead concern etched over his features.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, his voice full of concern deeply staring into her blue eyes his arms holding onto the table holding him up, his muscles flexing in the dim light as Alex felt a flush of heat rush into her cheeks, her eyes flickering back up to his.

Glenn's concern and the way he acted was something Alex wasn't used to. A burning sensation deep in her stomach arose whenever she was around him, his selfless acts only increasing the feeling as she thought back to what Lori said. confusion consumed her as she really tried to understand what she had meant. Glenn was just nice. he was nice to everyone. there are some people who make the world a better place by just being in it, and he was one of those people.

"I'm okay," she whispered unsure if she was trying to convince him or herself. She stood close to him, so close she could feel the heat radiating from his body. His eyes flickered down meeting hers, Wanting so desperately to do something to help her pain. Yet there was nothing.

Alex desperately wanted to take a step back from him, yet something about him was so intoxicating. Since she'd met him she'd found herself drawn to him, from sitting next to him at campfires. to him being the first person she subconsciously looked for when she walked out of the building with Carl, the screaming baby in her arms. his presence automatically calming her. maybe it was just the need for a distraction with the loss that surrounded her or maybe it was something deeper but she couldn't stop herself from thinking about him.

"Glenn" Rick's voice echoed, through the cell block laced with frustration pulling Alex back to reality making her step away from Glenn and clear her throat the tension in the air thick enough to cut with a knife as Glenn's face turned a bright shade of pink

"come find me if you need anything okay?" he offered a small smile as he turned walking out of the cell to see what Rick needed him for leaving Alex alone. She sighed nodding as she ran her fingers hands through her hair, pinching the bridge of her nose internally scolding herself.

Alex's mind raced with thoughts of Lori and what she had done. The guilt that plagued her mind making her stomach churn. She could feel the weight of the gun in her hand and the sound of the gunshot echoed in her ears. She had pulled the trigger, and that thought sent a shiver down her spine. The pain in her chest outweighed any other emotion as she laid on her bed. The memory of Lori's lifeless body lying on the ground was etched in her mind. She would never be able to escape the weight of her actions.

**

The days after blurred together. Alex kept to herself, avoiding any reminders of what she had done. The memories of Lori, pulling the trigger, and Eli were all too much for someone so young to handle. She couldn't bear to look her uncle or cousin in the eye, the guilt that consumed her body overwhelming. every time she closed her eyes, she could see her, she could see Lori, and she could hear her voice. it was haunting her, killing her.

The weight of her actions seemed to be suffocating her. staring at the walls of her cell she tried to make sense of what had happened. The silence was deafening, she had once loved silence and loved being alone but now it only seemed to torture her, letting her thoughts and grief run wild. She refused to leave her cell, the thought of breaking down in front of everyone too much to bear.

It wasn't just Lori the group had lost, that day was filled with tragedy, T-dog, Carol, and the hope they'd had for the prison were gone. at least to her. the list of losses only growing longer by the day. As she desperately begged for her mind not to go back to the dark place it seemed to every time she lost someone... she knew she wouldn't survive it, not this time the attacks were too strong, and the flashbacks came like bolts of lightning. and without Eli, she knew she couldn't survive it again.  

She had just gotten her family back, yet now Lori was gone and at the hands of Alex. The guilt made her feel sick. It wasn't only Lori's death that plagued her in such a way, it was Eli's too. A part of her believed she had to have bad luck, everything around her seemed to disappear. Despite how much she tried to keep herself together and keep everyone safe, things just never seemed to work out. there had to be something wrong with her, she didn't deserve to be the one who lived.

**

For the first time in days, Alex emerged from her cell making her way into the main part of the cell block where the rest of the group were sat eating breakfast. Walking up to the table she sat between Glenn and Carl, an inch of tension lingered between her and the man beside her as he sent her a small smile. the grief still lingered throughout the room as all eyes laid on her. Rick joined the group, Alex looking up at him as he walked up to the table, Anxiety pooling in her stomach wishing there was more she could do to dull his pain.

"I cleared out the boiler block" Alex closed her eyes taking in his words. She understood grief, but she could not let him get himself killed, she had to look after all of them, for Lori.

"how many were in there?" Daryl asked from his seat on the stairs, Alex looking up at her uncle in disbelief trying to bite her tongue not to say anything that would upset him further, but grief attacks the brain in different ways, for some, they shut down... for others anger consumes them.

"two dozen maybe" Alex scoffed, the noise making Rick look down at her raising his brow, this group needed him and everyone knew it. she couldn't control herself, the emotions that ran through her body almost making her next words automatic.

"don't get yourself killed Rick." More eyes landed on her as her blunt words came out without a second thought, watching as her uncle's jaw clenched at her words before he cleared his throat. despite his grief, he knew Alex, and he knew of her issues.

"I just wanted to check on Carl" He patted his son's back before turning to leave Alex's hand running over her face not knowing what to do while Rick was in this state. Eli would know, Lori would know.

"Rick we can handle taking out the bodies, you don't have to- " Glenn said standing up his hand landing on Alex's shoulder without a second thought as he attempted to help her uncle only for Rick to cut him off without a second thought.

"yeah I do," Rick stated walking over to Daryl and asking him for a gun and a knife, Daryl shook his head, knowing too well what state the group was in.

"we're a little low on ammo" Daryl replied still chewing on his food Rick sighed as Glenn walked closer to the two men his hand leaving Alex's shoulder, she watched as Glenn approached the two men.. she had to get out of this place, even for a minute the grief in the air was suffocating.

"Me and Alex are planning on making a run" Glenn stated, implying they'd try and find more ammo as well as the necessities for the baby. Rick nodded turned back And rushing back out deeper into the prison ignoring any objections coming from the group, Alex sighed they needed him, she needed him.  Glenn's eyes lingered on her as his gaze softened.