" I don't wanna let her go, Eve. " I could here my own voice breaking at the end of that sentence.

It hurt so much. Thinking about her, talking about her again after four years, it fucking hurt. An image of Clara's innocent smiling face surfaced in front of my closed eyes and I clenched my arms tighter around Evelyn.

Eve. The feeling of her arms around me as she drew small comforting circles in my back, was the only thing that was keeping me on the brink of reality right now.

Mine and Clara's parents were really close family friend, so me and her, we were basically raised together as siblings. She was my responsibility. It was my duty to keep her safe. But I failed. The look on her mother's face when the doctors had delivered us the tragic news was something I'll never forget as long as I live.

It wasn't your fault Ryan. You couldn't have known. Evelyn's words came back to me. They were the same words that my parents, Clara's parents and all those shitty therapists had repeated to me for years, over and over again. I never listened though. I knew it was my fault that she wasn't with us right now.

Are you okay? Three little words. Ten letters. One small sentence. It could've saved her. It could've saved my Clara.

I felt Evelyn guide us to the central rounded wall of the observatory and gently push me down in a sitting position. Nothing around me was making sense right now. All I really felt was the unbearable emotional pain in the core of my heart. It felt like someone had stabbed me.

If this is how it felt after finally talking about your worst nightmare, that had haunted you for years, then I didn't want Evelyn to share hers with me.

Evelyn sat next to me and lifted her hand to run her fingers gently through my hair. Her touch was calming and I was thankful for her presence. She was the only thing keeping me sane right now. She gently pulled my head in her lap and wrapped her arms around me.

Her warmth surrounded me and a blanket of calm fell over my entire body. My heart slowly returned to it's normal speed. I could breath again. I lifted my weak arms and loosely wrapped them around her waist.

"I'm sorry, " I hiccuped slightly. I turned my head a little to look at her and she smiled an angelic smile back at me. " It's gonna be okay." She whispered while gently massaging my scalp. I sighed peacefully.

I was wrong before. It did hurt like a bitch, but it felt good to finally share my pain with someone who really understood. Someone who understood what it was like to loose family.

I pulled her closer to me, if that was even possible in our awkward yet surprisingly comfortable position, and buried my nose in her side.

" Thank you, Ryan, " I looked up at her with a confused look on my face. " Thank you for trusting me, " She clarified and a slow tired smile appeared on my face. To be honest, I had no idea why I told her. I hadn't told a soul about this before.

We had pleaded with the police and the doctors to keep Clara's suicide a secret. If not when alive, at least when she was gone, I wanted her to be at peace and I knew that wouldn't be possible if people still talked about her. So nobody knew that my sister had commited suicide. No one ever will.

" My parents died in a car crash when I was three years old, " I looked over at Evelyn when she suddenly spoke up. A strange determination glinted in her emerald eyes which were also shining with unshed tears.

I squeezed her waist lightly to let her know that I was listening. However, it felt as if she was in a trance. Lost in her own horrid memories.

" That's what everyone else knows. They think Irena and Samuel Johnson died in a car crash while returning home from their office in Brooklyn one night. The newspapers say there was a giant oil truck which was coming from the wrong direction. The road was foggy and deserted so Dad didn't see it coming and the two vehicles collided head on, killing my parents on the spot. Patrick, the driver of the supposed truck was sent to prison for 18 years because he was found to be under the influence of alcohol, and the case was closed. " A small tear fell down on her cheek slowly but she didn't notice it. I twisted gently and caught the little drop in two of my fingers.

"But that's not how they died. " She whispered in a broken voice and looked down into my eyes. She searched my blue depths as if looking for something in them to give her strength enough to go ahead. I cupped her face gently, still laying on her lap and silently urged her forward.

" I was just three years old. I don't remember much, but I do remember my mom's voice. She was shouting at someone else in the room and there was glass on the floor. Lot's of broken glass and china. I was hiding in the closet. It was dark in there but I was too scared to come out. Then suddenly my Dad walked in and moved forward to stop the fight. But he stopped when he heard me crying. I still remember his eyes. They were ocean blue, just like yours. He smiled at me and moved forward to lift me up. But he could never reach me. " Evelyn's eyes were now blurred with tears and her cheeks were wet. I didn't let go of her face. The pain and horror in her angelic green eyes, broke my heart.

"What happened, Eve? " I whispered cautiously. Her bottom lip trembled and she looked so weak and broken. My broken angel.

" She shot them both, " She whispered defeated. My eyebrows furrowed up and I wondered if she was talking about Stella. " Who did? " I asked carefully. "I don't remember, " A little sob broke through her lips. " Why don't I remember!" That's when she finally broke down.

I bolted up and immediately gathered her up in my arms. " It's okay, Sunflower. It's gonna be okay, " I whispered in her ear while rocking her shivering body in my arms.

Funny how less that fifteen minutes ago she had done the same for me.

I felt her shake her head weakly into my chest. " I see it every night. I don't want to see it, Ryan. I want it to stop. It hurts too much, " Her voice held so much pain that tears welled up inside my own eyes.

I pulled her legs up towards me and sat her in my lap. She was curled up like a ball in my arms and I pulled her closer to me.

She cried silently for a while and I let her. She needed to get it out of her system. After a while I felt her breathing become even as she slumped into me. I knew she had fallen asleep then. I gently moved the hair out of her face and kissed her forehead lightly.

For the first time in a long while I felt as if a large weight had been lifted from my chest. I felt light and a little less miserable. And it had all happened because of this little ray of sunshine balled up in my arms, my shirt fisted up in her hand, her nose buried in my chest. An involuntary smile reached my lips.

I sighed and leaned my head against the wall behind me. She was the first and the only person I had let inside my heart and it didn't even feel like she had to do anything to make me. It was almost as if the day I first laid my eyes I knew my heart belonged to her. As if some strange force had pulled her to me, all the way from New York to Seattle. As if this was all destiny's doing. I was hers and she didn't even know it yet.

Is this what a soulmate feels like?

That was my last thought before peaceful darkness consumed me.

********

• Author's note •

This was sad and beautiful at the same time. * sniff * I hope you liked it :)

Much love

M :)