As we noticed in the retrospective of the fandom during the months leading up to the premiere of CURSED CHILD, JKR and the Harry Potter bigwigs exhibited a lack of interest in research and in verifying the canonical authenticity and appropriateness of new material. Locked in their echo chamber, the creative members of the franchise kept bouncing their own ideas back and forth, never considering if there were mistakes in what they were about to produce.

In an effort to get through this as quickly as possible, I'm gonna rapid fire some of the minor canon blunders at you.

Let's start simply

The barrier leading to platform nine and three-quarters was made of solid metal and not a brick wall, like in the movies. This reveals, again, where the creative team was taking their cues.

Draco had a receding hairline in the epilogue of Deathly Hallows, and now he has the thick and luxurious hairstyle of a show pony.

And remember the hut on the rock scene from Sorcerer's / Philosopher's Stone, where Uncle Vernon tried to escape the flurry of owls that were carrying yellow envelopes addressed to Harry in emerald green writing? No...no no no. We were wrong. The books were wrong. According to the play, Harry and the Dursleys escaped to a lighthouse.

AUNT PETUNIA: I knew we made a mistake coming here. Vernon. Vernon. There's nowhere we can hide. Not even a lighthouse is far enough away!

This is fun, right? What else?!

In terms of magic, we've covered Harry speaking to Dumbledore's portrait as if it's really him, which is ridiculous, and a few spells that weren't canon, but we have more. During the fight between Snape and Umbridge in the darker alternate universe, Depulso was used. Although a Banishing Charm was mentioned once in the series (Goblet of Fire), Depulso is from the video games. Once again, confirming that their basis for choosing magic derived from a fandom wiki and not from the books. Also, while Hermione had cast a Cushioning Charm in Deathly Hallows, Molliare (the spell that was used to protect Albus and Scorpius as they leaped from a moving train) is not found in canon.

The plan to stop Cedric during the second task was to cast Engorgio on the Bubble-Head Charm he was using to swim through the lake. They practiced on a bar of soap that expanded to four times its size. Here's a line from Albus that proved to work just as they planned:

ALBUS: Get to him and Engorgio his head and watch him float out of the lake - away from the task - away from the competition...

So... Engorgio enlarged a bar of soap... and yet it turns Cedric into a... a helium balloon? Why would this happen? Please, can anyone explain this magic to me? Because it sounds like someone spent the weekend watching Prisoner of Azkaban to brush up on their Harry Potter history. Oh... Aunt Marge... You're floating away!!

Thorne, your cards are showing, mate.

Here's More!

According to the books, the hedge maze did not move during the Triwizard Tournament. In fact, it only moved in the film adaptation, as a replacement for the other obstacles that were likely too expensive to include. Thus proving, for the millionth time, that Thorne only watched the movies for research.

If a writer had only seen the movies and never read the books, he might also make this mistake:

HARRY: Third year. Big year. Here is your permission form for Hogsmeade.

ALBUS: I hate Hogsmeade.

HARRY: How can you hate a place you haven't actually visited yet?

ALBUS: Because I know it'll be full of Hogwarts students.

ALBUS screws up the paper.

HARRY: Just give it a go - come on - this is your chance to go nuts in Honeydukes without your mum knowing - no, Albus, don't you dare.

ALBUS (pointing his wand): Incendio!

The ball of paper bursts into flame and ascends across the stage.

Oooh, stage tricks! I get it. Fire is cool on stage. Can't fault Tiffany for wanting this. But for Thorne (and mostly JKR) here's kind of a big thing you just missed. Students cannot do magic outside of school. I'm not grasping for straws here. That's pretty well established, right? Nope, while leaving from the platform to begin his third year at Hogwarts, Albus Severus Potter uses a spell to set his Hogsmeade permission slip on fire.

*blinks slowly*

Irritated? Here, have some chocolate!

Here's a favorite moment of mine. And by favorite moment, I mean the most worstest moment. When Albus returns to the present for the first time, this happens:

HARRY (discombobulated): Yes. And you're - you will be fine. For recuperation, Madam Pomfrey wasn't sure what to prescribe and said you should probably eat lots of - chocolate. Actually, do you mind if I have some -? I've got something to tell you and I don't think you'll like it.

ALBUS looks at his dad, what does he have to say? He decides not to engage.

ALBUS: Okay. I think.

HARRY takes some chocolate, he eats a big chunk. ALBUS looks at his dad, confused.

Better?

HARRY: Much.

He holds out the chocolate to his son. ALBUS takes a piece. Father and son munch together.

The arm, how does it feel?

ALBUS flexes his arm.

ALBUS: It feels great.

Munch together? *rolls his eyes* Okay, whatever. Did you catch the important bit? Yeah. Why should Albus be eating lots of chocolate after hurting his arm? And, for that matter, why does Harry need a quick fix to get through the moment? According to the books (Wait, this was in the books? YES, JACK!), chocolate is used to limit and reduce the lasting effects of a confrontation with dementors. Are we now saying that Chocolate is just... like... a mix of Enchanted Prozac and Wizard's Ibuprofen?

Here's how we were introduced to this concept in Prisoner of Azkaban:

"Well, he should have some chocolate, at the very least," said Madam Pomfrey, who was now trying to peer into Harry's eyes.

"I've already had some," said Harry. "Professor Lupin gave me some. He gave it to all of us."

"Did he, now?" said Madam Pomfrey approvingly. "So we've finally got a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher who knows his remedies?"

READ! THE BOOKS! BEFORE! WRITING! THE EIGHTH! BOOK!

This isn't the only time that JKR and Co. expanded the scope of well-established magic from canon. In the first alternate universe, Alt-Hermione is the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. In her scene, she is teaching her students about the Patronus charm.

HERMIONE: How dare you! Fifty points from Gryffindor. And I assure you if anyone interrupts me again it'll be a hundred points...

She stares around the room. No one moves a muscle.

Good. A Patronus is a magical charm, a projection of all your most positive feelings, and takes the shape of the animal with whom you share the deepest affinity. It is a gift of light. If you can conjure a Patronus, you can protect yourself against the world. Which, in some of our cases, seems like a necessity sooner rather than later.

Poetic, I'll grant you that. But since when can a Patronus protect you from the world? I'm assuming you mean the darkness of the world, since you just called it a gift of light, but I was under the impression it protected you from dementors. Just... just dementors. Yeah, they can deliver messages, but... protecting you "against the world" is a serious exaggeration.

Minor Canon

"What's the deal, Mike? It's a nice little play, Mike. Who cares that it's not in line with the books, or previously established canon? Don't let it bother you, man."

Here's why it bothers me. It shows an epic level of reckless nonchalance. That the rules don't matter because the rule-maker approves. That they can write whatever they want, and then just have JKR state to everyone that it's 100% canon, by royal decree.

I mean, this entire play was built off the epilogue from Deathly Hallows. The script literally starts by picking up where we left off in retelling that final chapter. So, you would think that the opening of the play would actually follow the wording of that crucial, fully canonical scene. No. It's altered. Like, a lot. Is this some gigantic problem? Not really, but that ain't the point. It serves to establish that, from page one, they were willing to either bend the rules with canon or simply ignore them.

To the fans who waited hours in line to buy their copy, to the $30+ that was spent for the book and the $WhoKnowsHowMuch that was spent to see the show in person, this feels like a slap in the face. Where is the integrity? Where's the credibility? It honestly becomes a question of ethics, as well. Why would you sell something so inaccurate and unreliable to fans who had been loyal for decades? It's disrespectful to us, and to the books.

I bet the author is gonna be pissed.

Wait...

https://youtu.be/CQeezCdF4mk

In a world full of fanfic explorations into the future of the trio, we were misled into believing this would be the authentic conclusion to Harry's tale. But the whole experience with the "fully canon", "official 8th story" feels insincere and regrettable.

#Sad