Believability

Some of the dialogue in Cursed Child just doesn't fit. Either it's wrong for the character, wrong for the world, or just wrong altogether. Take this quote from Ron:

ALBUS: I have an Aunt Padma?

RON (to HARRY): Taken a Confundus Charm to the head, has he? (To ALBUS.) My wife, Padma. You remember. Talks slightly too close to your face, smells a bit minty.

Like, I get that your version of Ron is out of wack, but in what scenario would anyone ever talk like this? When speaking with a nephew, you describe your wife by her smell?? Did an alien write this play, attempting to understand the way hoomans interact? Because no one would do this.

Here's another strange quote from Delphi about her first time to the castle (which we know to be untrue):

DELPHI: I've never been to Hogwarts. Pretty lax security here, isn't there? And so many portraits. And corridors. And ghosts! This half-headless, strange-looking ghost told me where I could find you, can you believe that?

Oooh! There's so many walls! And doors! And ceilings! I swear I just saw some people walking up flights of stairs. Didn't know you had people here. Or stairs!

What is this printed trash heap of words we're all forced to suffer through? Yes, Delphi. There are many corridors in a large castle. Again, this doesn't feel like believable dialogue.

Sounds Good On Paper

In the infamous baby blanket scene, when Ginny and Harry are attempting to decode a message from the past through burn holes, Ginny gets impatient and takes the blanket away from Harry's grasp.

GINNY: Give me that. My eyesight is better than yours.

What? Did Harry take his glasses off? Because someone with glasses arguably has clearer vision with them on. This line is the kind of thing one spouse would say to the other, if neither of them wore glasses. Therefore the sudden conflict would provide a deeper insight into their relationship. How maybe one of them had been refusing to see an Optometrist, and now they've reached a moment in which having good eyesight was critical to the challenge they were facing. That, my friends, is an example of real conflict. This quote from Ginny falls flat.

For more confusing dialogue, we now turn to the suddenly stereotypical villain monologuing of Act Three, Scene Sixteen, when Delphi reveals her totes evil identity.

ALBUS: But why? But what? But who are you?

DELPHI: Albus. I am the new past.

She pulls ALBUS's wand from him and snaps it.

I am the new future.

She pulls SCORPIUS's wand from him and snaps it.

I am the answer this world has been looking for.

Nope. Don't think so. What is Delphi even talking about? How can she be the new past? And *all* future is new... And no one in the world is looking for her!

Both of these instances are an example of the type of dialogue that sounds good on paper but just doesn't work in reality. You find this a lot in tv dramas, where a character delivers a line out of nowhere that feels like it was pulled directly from a worn notebook that one of the writers had been keeping in a drawer since college.

"One day...oh, one day, precious notebook, I'll be able to shove a few of these lines unnecessarily into a story and feel so proud every time I hear it. We're geniuses, notebook! Absolute geniuses!"

Stop Trying To Make This Happen

One thing that really irritates me (Mike, doesn't everything really irritate you?) is that Jack Thorne is trying so hard to create kitschy catch phrases in the wizarding world. Good Heavens, do I understand the desire to insert new slang into the Harry Potter lexicon, but it must accommodate Rowling's established setting. Thorne's ideas just fail at that.

First, we have the scene where Delphi is teaching Albus and Scorpius how to perform Expelliarmus in secret:

DELPHI: Of course I'm sticking around, we're friends, aren't we?

ALBUS: Yes. Yes. Definitely friends. Definitely.

DELPHI: Great. Wizzo!

SCORPIUS: What's wizzo?

SCORPIUS steps forward decisively.

ALBUS: Cracked the spell. I mean, it's pretty basic, but I was - well, I cracked it.

Don't even try with "wizzo", Jack. We're not gonna start saying "wizzo". NEXT!

Here's a gem from the dark alternate universe:

SCORPIUS: You - Polly Chapman - want me to take you to a - ball?

There is the sound of screaming behind him. What is that screaming?

POLLY CHAPMAN: Mudbloods, of course. In the dungeons. Your idea, wasn't it? What's going on with you? Oh Potter, I've got blood on my shoes again...

She bends and carefully cleans the blood off her shoes.

Oh Potter... ?? Bwa HAHAHAHAAAaaaa no no no... That's not a thing. Wouldn't ever be a thing. Nice try, Thorne. NEEEEEEXT!

And finally, the coup de gras, the lamest of the lame:

ALBUS: Uncle Ron! Thank Dumbledore. If ever we needed one of your jokes it's now...

Comments like this belong to Merlin. As in, "Merlin's beard", "Merlin's pants", "What in the name of Merlin...", "What in the name of Merlin's most baggy Y Fronts...", and that one time Ron said, "Are they getting married in my bedroom? No! So why in the name of Merlin's saggy left -"

I could've done without that one, JKR, dear.

"Thank Dumbledore" actually happens on three occasions in HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED CHILD, spoken by three different individuals. We can take this to mean that it's a commonly used phrase nineteen years after the events of Deathly Hallows. Sure, it is!! How credible this sounds! Ha! No way, Thorne. Nowhere close. Stop trying to make "Thank Dumbledore" happen. It's not gonna happen. There's nothing smart about that phrase, and it comes across like something a bad fanfic writer would do. Are you a... a bad fanfic writer? Jack? Hello?

To JKR: Next time you hire someone to speak on behalf of your characters, make sure they understand the well-defined world in which those characters reside.

Oh Potter, this is getting frustrating. But at least I'm inching closer each day to finishing my analysis, thank Dumbledore. This is gonna be a busy week with WattCon, so I might not be as productive as normal. Expect a bit of lag time between posts. HOWEVER, I'm looking forward to meeting some Wattpad folks and fellow writers face-to-face. Can't believe I'll be at Wattpad headquarters in Toronto, Canada this weekend!

So... you know... Wizzo!