The seven Harry Potter books weren't perfect. There were plenty of plot holes, and I've enjoyed filling some of those in my Fred and George fanfic. There were inconsistencies here and there, but when it came to characterization, especially of the Golden Trio, they never wavered. In this play, the writers abandoned years of development to give us flat renditions of characters who seem motivated only by what's right in front of their faces. These are not the grown versions of the characters we adore from the books. They are inconsistent, illogical, and wooden. Gone are the nuances. Dashed are the dreams we had for who they would become. What made these characters so relatable was that they were always real people in unreal circumstances. None of the characters in Cursed Child feel like real people to me. And when it comes to the trio, this pisses me off to no end. Because if there was ever a mortal sin that Jack Thorne needed to avoid, it was laying waste to the integrity of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Let's start with her.

OS-Canon Hermione

I don't need to describe to you the person of Miss Hermione Jean Granger. But I will. She was intelligent, but didn't need to broadcast that fact to anyone. She had tenacity, even as an eleven-year-old. She wasn't clever (in the Weasley sense of the word), but gravitated toward those who were. Hermione always knew the right thing to do and acted on her fantastic intuition. She was an icon of feminism and social justice without needing anyone to recognize her for this fact. She chose Ron and loved his family. She commanded respect from her peers, not from a position of power, but through perseverance, commitment, and unwavering character.

Character. Feels odd bringing that word into this. Because Hermione is absolutely Out Of Character in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.

Minister of Magic Hermione

Why? Why did she have to be Minister of Magic? I know that some of you like seeing her in this position, but I just don't. If feels like the kind of decision a casual fanfic writer would make, because it seems like the right move from a distance.

Yeah, Hermione is super smart and I want a woman to be in charge for a change (a woman who isn't Dolores Umbridge). So, yeah. Hermione should be the most powerful witch! She'd be Minister! It's perfect! What a writer I am!

But if you really grasped the individualism and sensibilities of Hermione Granger, you would know this is already blatantly out of character for her. Remember when Scrimgeour came to bring them the contents of Dumbledore's will?

"Are you planning to follow a career in Magical Law, Miss Granger?" asked Scrimgeour.

"No, I'm not," retorted Hermione. "I'm hoping to do some good in the world!"

Ron laughed. Scrimgeour's eyes flickered toward him and away again as Harry spoke.

Nope, they're gonna just wipe that from the memory books and turn her into an ineffectual administrator who holds meetings no one listens to and spends her afternoons bickering with Harry over his paperwork.

The door to her office can be opened with Alohomora, which she mastered in her first year at Hogwarts. Hermione is the opposite of dumb, guys. She hides an extremely rare and dangerous magical object in a bookshelf that requires answers to sophomoric riddles. Haha. Not a horrible idea, just not our very logical Hermione. She's super uncomfortable with having her husband show up at her place of work. She stereotypes trolls, werewolves, and giants as "allies of darkness" because some of them fought with Voldemort. Like, what? Hermione would never use a position of power to perpetuate the discrimination of entire groups of magical beasts. Ever! She's unfamiliar with the procedures and methods of Muggle law enforcement, which is hard to imagine since her parents are Muggles and she grew up in the Muggle world. She threatens Delphi with going "to Azkaban. Same as your mother." I could see Hermione desiring such an outcome, but she would never gloat about someone else's demise.

Worst part, and you can call it a cruel sense of irony, but production cast a black woman as the role of Hermione in the one instance when she is about as vanilla as ever. Hermione has no personality in this play. She lost much of her charm and was a follower, more often than not. She was an old and boring llama who had no effect on anything. The drab window dressing in a house where no one is dropping by for a visit. And I hear Noma Dumezweni is a phenomenal actress. What a shame.

Sexism and False Feminism

At almost every turn, we see the female characters of the wizarding world dismissed and denigrated. The amount of disrespect and sexism in this play, while trying to appear forward-thinking, is shameful. I've covered a lot of this throughout the analysis, but they took it too far with Hermione.

"Just keep quiet, Potter, otherwise you'll lose what limited popularity you already have."

She was the brightest witch of her age. And yet she becomes a cold, abusive, contemptible shrew in the alternate universe because she's single and Ron didn't love her? She's all bitter and Snape-like because Ron was with Padma? Like, you make her so one-dimensional that she could never find happiness in another person? That, I seriously doubt. It's Hermione. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she would become a shell of her former self just because she didn't get married. I mean, we all know that women are nothing without a man... COME ON!

(Question... Can you murder a book? Asking for a friend.)

This may be controversial, but making her a "Granger-Weasley" bothers me. Okay... How feminist of Hermione! I mean, if you're a feminist, you would NEVER take your husband's full name, right? Because all feminists do that. They're all the same, those feminists. *sigh* Not trying to knock people who make the decision to hyphenate, or that you're doing it for some sort of outside recognition. I think it's a very personal decision that is something feminists have chosen for their lives in the past and if I had an opinion it would matter zero...but Hermione's beliefs were never even slightly about her...even when it directly related to her heritage as a "dirty blood". Furthermore, I think she would've been very eager to call herself a Weasley. They were her second family. Although you, Jack Thorne, may need to hyphenate Hermione to know that she's still the same character, Potterheads don't need such reminders.

I think the concept of hyphenated names is not all that bad. Maybe it could've been done a different way. I'll see about fitting this into the MOD.

Then there is that damn riddling bookshelf.

SCORPIUS/HARRY: The second is a disease of the egg, the less fair of those who walk on two legs...

DELPHI/HERMIONE (effusively): Men!

Wow. Are we talking about chromosomes here? Is this biological, as well? It doesn't actually matter, because calling men a disease of the egg is such a failed attempt at progressive thinking. This is false feminism at it's finest! You get that feminists don't HATE men, right? You understand it's more complex than that? I'm honestly curious if you have an answer to this question, Jack, because it seems like there's a fifth grade level of understanding here. Like WTF is this? Even if feminists thought this way, which they don't, Hermione would never call an entire group of people "a disease of the egg".

Last thoughts:

We devote an entire scene in the book to her Polyjuice'd nephew being able to convince Hermione that he's her husband simply by kissing her repeatedly.

She can't just be described as a rebel in the Dark Universe. No, Hermione has to be a sexy rebel and pulls the look off better than Ron. haha shut up.

And they completely take Hermione out of the equation when it comes to her relationship with Ron. It's only his jealousy of Krum that brought them together? Wow, give her some credit, will you?

You can tell that much of this was written by a man (correction: a man who doesn't consider women). I like the idea of portraying their relationship as flawed, or other relationships (even Harry and Ginny), but this play made it seem like adult Hermione could only be defined by Ron, which is disgraceful.

How did you give this a pass, Jo?

Favorite line:

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: We can't - look for her?

HERMIONE: We have good reason to believe - she's hidden herself - in time.

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Of all the reckless stupid things, you kept the Time-Turner even now?

HERMIONE: Professor, I assure you -

PROFESSOR McGONAGALL: Shame on you, Hermione Granger.

HERMIONE flinches in the face of the anger.

HARRY: No, she doesn't deserve that. You have a right to be angry. You all do. But this is not all Hermione's fault.

HAHAHAaaaaa Harry. This is not all Hermione's fault... It's your fault, you ass. haha Guys, take it easy on the woman. She's a woman, don't forget. Small brain... Hahahaaa what an effing joke this play is.

(reminder: Thorne is still raking in the cash)

Up next: Ron

Don't be a Lockhart, WattPotters.

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