Things are about to get real. This is next level WTF here. Nothing I've yet written about Cursed Child, or may write about Cursed Child, will be as mind-nuking as this post. Here we go.

Setup:

Albus and Scorpius are going back to change the outcome of the second task. As in, how the second task played out in Alt-Universe 1 (NOT the Origin Universe). Therefore, any changes that took place between tasks one and two of the Triwizard Tournament remain unaltered.

Alt-Universe 2 is a spin-off of Alt-Universe 1, not the original universe where Cedric succeeded in the first task. That matters when you consider the Yule Ball, and that Hermione still did not go with Krum.

Because part of the motivation for Albus to change the past again is because their actions deleted his cousin Rose. Albus and Scorpius then decide to further harm Cedric Diggory's chances of winning the tournament by making him fail the second task as well by expanding the bubble head charm.

But according to all current plot development of Ron and Hermione, changing the history of Alt-Universe 1 would NOT bring back Rose. Ron and Hermione still aren't going to be together because the only real thing that did (apparently) was Ron's jealousy of Krum at the Yule Ball and what transpired afterward. This led to him marrying Padma, his date to the ball. Therefore, it should be assumed by the reader that Ron still married Padma in Alt-Universe 2. Even though Albus and Scorpius put on an awkward fireworks display to say "Ron Loves Hermione".

Why their attempt doesn't make sense:

1. Albus and Scorpius only have five minutes in the past. The second task takes place underwater. Problem is, they are being watched by McGonagall. So, they have the totally super genius idea to get into the lake via the pipes in the girls' bathroom. But... How are they using the pipes to escape into the lake??? At what point would they ever think that this was possible? Are we having a Honey, I Shrunk the Kids moment? Why would they ever think they could just slip down a sink drain? And if they were getting this idea because of the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets... that was a hidden passageway. Yeah, OS-Canon states that the Basilisk used some of the plumbing pipes to move around, and I explored this plot hole in Book 1 of Fred and George by adding large pipes to the walls that the twins could explore, but it's not common knowledge that all the drains were wide enough for a massive bloody snake. And where did they get the idea that the bathroom plumbing emptied into the lake anyhow (which is disgusting)??? The logic here is so thin.

2. How did Scorpius get the gillyweed? Seriously. Does he just have some on hand at all times? Because Dobby stole it from Snape's store cupboard in Goblet of Fire, and the Potions Master's reaction seemed to portray that gillyweed is not some readily available ingredient. BUT WHATEVER! What a convenient plot this is...

3. AT WHAT FUC....sorry. I'll start again. At what point did Albus and Scorpius have time to setup a giant fireworks show... in the five minutes they were there... while underwater? WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT??

So, that should do the trick. Wait...have them set off some fireworks! Oh, that's a great idea. I love fireworks! I'm totally putting that into the play! Oh, and have some ninjas and G.l. Joes show up. Oh, and Yoda. And then CRAWWWWWW a transformer cuts off Flitwick's head! Awesome!! Guys, this is gonna be the awesomest play evaarrrr!!!

4. This exchange:

"But no, what's this...Cedric Diggory is ascending out of the water and seemingly out of the competition. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, we don't have our winner but we certainly have our loser."

Yeah, Ludo Bagman calling Cedric a loser is weird.

5. Albus and Scorpius had just changed the first task to fail. They go back to the change the second task as well, under the assumption that the course of events is the same. Why? It's highly probable that Cedric would've done things differently.

Oops, he isn't even using the floating face bubble thingy. Uh-oh, now what do we do?? We only have two minutes left... because we spent the first three setting up this very important fireworks display! Which is not very easy to do underwater, you know!

Did you stop to consider that maybe Cedric would've tried harder? Or, more likely, that he would've been prepared for someone to mess with him?

Blam - jinx to the head, Albus! HuffPuff fo life, son!

Take this thought to its most logical (least comical) conclusion. If Cedric was trying harder to win the second task, he probably would've been less inclined to HELP HARRY WITH THE EGG! So then how does Harry learn about and prepare for the task? Hmm... it's almost as if you guys didn't think this through.

Changing one thing has MASSIVE RIPPLE EFFECTS, not just keeping Ron and Hermione from getting together... and making Ron's hair part differently... Lawd! Help me, LAWD! WHY DIDN'T JO HIRE A PROPER STORYTELLER TO GIVE US THE 8TH STORY??!!

The CAUSE of the divergence:

1. Cedric was humiliated during the second task.

2. Fireworks.

The EFFECT of the divergence:

1. Ron and Hermione are now awkward around one another.

2. Cedric's humiliation led him to become a Death Eater.

3. Cedric Diggory kills Neville Longbottom.

4. Neville wasn't there to kill Nagini. So... no one killed Nagini (nope), leaving one Horcrux intact.

5. Harry dies (nope) and Voldemort lives (more nope).

6. None of Harry's children are born, including Albus (...I'm okay with Albus not existing).

Why the universe doesn't make sense:

1. Cedric. As previously stated, he IS Hufflepuff. He would never ever ever ever ever become the character he was forced to become in this story. They are playing up a twist on the Multiverse concept - the Mirror Universe (yes, we have a fourth trope) - where the purest character is evil. In this version, Cedric is bad and grows a goatee or something. Evil Cedric. South Park already did this. And, it revealed to fans that the Cartman character from our universe was actually the Evil Cartman. Hilarious and much more creative, I think. Duality like this has been covered in Jekyll and Hyde and The Picture of Dorian Gray, two classics that... you guessed it... are a far better read than this load of tosh.

2. Nagini. They make a giant leap in logic in this play when it comes to Nagini's death. First, assuming that just because Neville was dead, it meant that no one COULD kill Nagini. The trio knew that Nagini was a Horcrux. Ron and Hermione would have developed a plan to kill Nagini during the battle.

We know from OS-Canon that Harry told Neville about Nagini. That the snake had to be killed, and that someone else needed to step in if Ron and Hermione could not. That's vital information. Neville wouldn't have kept that to himself. Second, Neville was only in the position to kill Nagini because Voldemort was torturing him with the burning Sorting Hat. If Neville was already killed by Cedric at that point, Voldemort would have used someone else valuable to Harry. Luna, perhaps? Ginny? The Sorting Hat revealed the sword to Neville during the struggle. If someone else had been in Neville's position, they would have pulled the sword out of the hat and killed Nagini instead. Horcrux gone. Same result.

Sorry. I know... logic sux. Try learning more about it before you write another story, kay?

3. Voldemort and Valor / Voldemort Day. Already covered this. Wouldn't have happened.

4. Snape's cameo. He's only there to help Scorpius. Already covered this. He would've never been alive at that point in any alternate universe.

5. Harry dying / Voldemort living on. Already covered this. Wouldn't have happened because of Lily's blood sacrifice.

6. Hogwarts has a torture chamber for Mudbloods thanks to a suggestion from Alt-Scorpius. He's like, hey... let's torture Mudbloods here. And the school was like, yeah. Good idea, kid. Mmm... no.

7. The Scorpius Paradox. Not only did Alt-Scorpius support the daily torture of Muggle-born witches and wizards, but he (brace yourselves) hates homework and books! And... no way... he loves Quidditch now. Joking aside, what you're telling us is that Alt-Scorpius was not the same person. That means his dad, Alt-Draco, would also not be the same person. He certainly wouldn't have been allowed or felt safe enough to marry a "muggle lover". And if Draco and Astoria were never married... Bye, Scorpius.

8. This exchange:

SNAPE: Dumbledore? Dumbledore's dead. And my work for him was public - I taught in his school.

SCORPIUS: No. That's not all you did. You watched the Death Eaters for him. You advised him. Everyone thought you'd murdered him - but it turned out you'd been supporting him. You saved the world.

Snape saved the world? Really? Not Dumbledore, or Harry? Because the books made it look like it was Harry Potter who saved the world. Jo, you're trying WAY too hard to deify Snape posthumously. Or, in this case... humously? I'm so confused.

9. How did the resistance fighter versions of Alt-Ron and Alt-Hermione know that Snape was fighting for the good side while they were students... and, therefore, choose to trust him when it all goes wrong? Watch your step, everyone! Try not to fall into the gaping plot hole!

10. Snape said that Hermione was a moderate to average student. JO! GET BACK HERE. YOU UNWRITE THIS RIGHT NOW, JO!

11. This exchange.

HERMIONE: We get this right, Harry's alive, Voldemort's dead, and the Augurey is gone, for that no risk is too great. Though I am sorry what it will cost you.

SNAPE: Sometimes costs are made to be borne.

The two look at each other, SNAPE nods, HERMIONE nods back, SNAPE's face crumbles slightly.

I didn't just quote Dumbledore, did I?

HERMIONE (with a smile): No, I'm pretty sure that's pure Severus Snape.

That dialogue... Snape would never... I... And Hermione, you're out there apologizing for what changing the past will cost him? Girl, I got some news for you. It's gonna cost all of you. All of your lives end when the past changes. This universe will cease to exist.

Maybe. I mean, who the hell knows what the rules are anymore.

Why the attempt to reverse Alt-Universe 2 doesn't make sense:

1. This exchange:

The first task of the tournament took place at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. We turn time here, get to the tournament, block the spell, and then return safely. With precision - it can be done and it won't require us to show our faces outside in our time at all. Then we'll turn time again, make our way to the lake, and reverse the second task.

There is so much wrong here. First, changing the past to stop Albus from disarming Cedric would stop the divergence. But that doesn't take into account that the mere existence of them in the past creates a divergence.

Second, how do you know the earlier versions of Albus and Scorpius wouldn't try something different after they failed the first time. Maybe they wouldn't go to the second task, but show up a week later to steal the golden egg from Cedric's room. Assuming the actions of past characters and then acting on those assumptions makes absolutely no sense.

Third, if they had changed the past to stop Cedric from ever losing the first task, THEY CANNOT RETURN TO THE DARK UNIVERSE AND THEN TRAVEL BACK TO THE SECOND TASK. The Dark Universe would no longer exist. Traveling back to the present would put them in a universe where Cedric never lost the first task. That didn't happen. This is SUCH a WTF to me. They really are going full Multiverse in this situation. But if that's true, why would Hermione need to apologize to Snape because their actions would kill him? If they can alter the past without affecting their OWN future, what does he have to worry about?

HELLO! You cannot return to a future that no longer exists! Why is this not insanely obvious to you?

2. Panju. Panju, Mike? Yes, effing Panju. If Ron had still married Padma (because the Dark Universe is a spinoff of Alt-Universe 1, where Hermione did not go to the ball with Krum), then they very likely still had a child together. To say that Alt-Ron (or Resistance Ron or spikey-haired, scruffy-clothed Ron) would be willing to encourage a plan that would erase his own son is not believable. Success would mean deleting his son's existence. Ron would fight against that.

Which ACTUALLY would have been a surprise twist. Show Ron seeming to go along with the plan, but then he double-crosses them to Umbridge because he would rather live in a dark world where Voldemort is king than erase his own son.

SEE, CURSED TRIO?! THAT'S CALLED STORYTELLING!

3. Ron and Hermione against the Dementors. Before they can go back a second time to stop Albus and Scorpius from originally influencing the second task, Dolores Umbridge and a pack of Dementors come looking for them.

Ron and Hermione confess their love for the first time. And they sacrifice themselves so Snape and Scorpius have a fighting chance. Why? Why would they have to do this? Two adult wizards can't take on a couple of Dementors? It's not like there were tons of them, like back when Sirius Black was on the run. And that kiss of theirs... haha. Emotional manipulation at it's finest. Laterz, Padma! Good luck in the ether, Panju! Burn world, BURN! Dad gets to kiss his childhood crush! LOL. Also, how are they able to romantically kiss one another when the Dementors are already kissing them?

4. Scorpius and Snape against the Dementors. After ALL that training Harry had to endure with Lupin to learn how to defeat a Dementor, Snape just... teaches Scorpius in seconds...??? Right.

5. The Magic Lake. While Snape is sacrificing himself to the Dementors, Scorpius steps back into the lake. We are to assume that he took the Time-Turner back to the second task, but we're only shown the after effects, which is confusing.

There is a bang and a flash. And then silence. And then there's more silence. It's so still, it's so peaceful, it's so perfectly tranquil. And then - SCORPIUS ascends to the surface. Breathing deeply. He looks around himself. Breathing deep, panicked breaths. He looks up at the sky. The sky certainly seems - bluer than before. And then ALBUS ascends after him. There's a silence. SCORPIUS just looks at ALBUS, disbelieving. Both boys breathe in and out.

And then we get this:

ALBUS: It was weird though - I thought I saw Cedric start to expand - but then he sort of started shrinking again - and I looked at you and you had your wand out...

The universe skipping and body jumping is exhausting. Scorpius, Alt-Hermione, and Alt-Ron just stopped Alt-Universe 1 from existing.

But Albus and Scorpius still went back to the second task in order to alter the history of Alt-Universe 1.

BUT IT DOESN'T EXIST!!

I... I'm stopping. This is too much, even for me.

We'll be holding support groups every Thursday from now until eternity wraps up. Someone bring some damn donuts.