"Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy"

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Yasmeen

My life is made up of tiny puzzle parts that no longer fit together. Imagine working on a puzzle only to find that the final picture can never be complete because one of its pieces is missing. This is exactly what's happened to my life and my marriage, it has become impossible to put it back together

On my soft bed delicate, I lay wide awake and full of dreams. I am walking through darkness with thoughts full of colors

For several moments, I couldn't hear anything over the violent pounding of my pulse. Then I remembered today is a big day for me, the new car I bought arrives in the afternoon. I quickly got out of bed and got ready

I managed to raise the money for the car from my personal savings, end of the year profit and bonuses, to turn over for contract deals I have been awarded with

For the first time in months, my heart raced, and the old excitement flickered inside me. I walked to the front door in silence, but in an invisible, vibrating pocket of excitement.

I was about to leave the house when the symbol of my suffering "Ahmad" came to sight

I couldn't hide the excitement in my eyes, even though it was hurting Ahmad. He watched me bitterly because he knows there is nothing he could do to take that moment away from me.

I looked at him and realized that the saddest thing is to be a minute to someone, when you've made them your eternity

I also realized that In any relationship, there is this moment when a person who was a part of you just an instant ago becomes a surrealistically familiar stranger. After that moment, inertia and denial can only delay the inevitable

I stared at his face, seeking something familiar. When we made eye contact, something in me ached because I found it. But It's like we are involved in that awkward procedure of getting to unknow and unlove each other

I know that the future is uncertain but the end is always near. It was as if my doom so floated me on that I couldn't stop

I hurried out of the house and headed to my office which is the meeting point with the car dealer. When it was noon, he brought my beautiful car. Ahmad was the first person I called when I saw it and he was the first person I wanted to show it to. I drove home with a wide smile plastered on my face

"Ahmad, it's here" I screamed as soon as I arrived. He rushed down the stair case, taking three stair at a time

"The car is nice, I'm really happy for you" he managed to say, which is obviously forced out

Unfortunately, his words didn't match his facial expressions. It didn't look like he is genuinely happy for me, though he pretended to be. But he had been restless ever since he saw the car, he had a sleepless night after long hours of silence. At some point, he had to take some sleeping pills to be able to get an hour of sleep.

Now I have a clear picture of what really lies beneath the facade he's putting on. How sad and how frightening it is to me, seeing Ahmad filled with so much hate, jealousy and envy that he could not even be genuinely happy for me and rejoice in my victory

How did he ever come to that point?

I raked my brain trying to make sense of the situation, but I couldn't. It didn't make any sense

"From now on, I'll be using your car for long journeys or road trips. It's a strong car, it's stronger than mine" he said, as soon as he woke up from his one hour sleep the next morning

"Alright, but it needs servicing and a few finishing touches" I told him

"There is a guy I know, he is good. I will accompany you to his garage" he said

"I would very much appreciate it" I said with a smile. We headed to the garage when I finished my house chores

"Ahmad" engineer called out, and our heads snapped towards his direction

"Engineer" Ahmad replied, and they shook hands

Engineer owns the garage where we have brought my car for repairs. He gave me his hand to shake, but I declined politely.

"Oh, you don't shake right?" Engineer asked

"No" I answered, feeling bad at the thought that he might feel humiliated or offended by my actions

"My bad" he said, not taking offense. I felt relieved

"I am not the one that stops her from shaking guys, she chose that path for herself. Left to me, she is free to shake anyone she likes. You know that's not who I am, I am not like her, I shake everyone, I shake and hug the opposite sex" Ahmad kept blabbing out, making himself look like a complete idiot

He scolded me for not shaking engineer's hand and for embarrassing him like that on our way back home

Later that evening, Ahmad took my car and went to only God knows where. He hit something on purpose and ruined it.

"Did you hit your car" he asked, as soon as he returned from wherever the hell he went to

"Of course not, it's a new car" I replied with a smile

"Well, I've noticed a side of it has been hit, it's a bit ruined, you're gonna have to take it to an auto body mechanic for repairs" he told me

"I did not hit anything, I wonder what happened" I said, giving him a flat look

"Maybe you bought it like that, obviously" he said

"No, I didn't. It was perfectly fine when it came" I retorted

"You're the one that used the car this evening, did you see the damaged side of the car before you took it?" I asked

"Well, not really. I went to this place and the parking lot was full. So I parked it at a very safe corner and I paid a security guard to look after it, but he let someone bash into it. I would have scolded him for it, but by the time I came back he was gone. I'll go back there and give him a piece of my mind" he said, shamelessly

Manipulative asshole, I knew it, I knew I wasn't the one that did it. It's not even the damaged car that is my problem now, but the lie he cooked up just to push the blame on me and save himself as usual. Lies, manipulation, skimming, ruthless games. These are his trademarks and I'm tired of it

"You should have just told me, instead of pretending you didn't even know. It's not fair" I said

Others wield swords, while Ahmad wield lies, rewriting the past, corrupting the present, and twisting the future. I wasn't sure which was worse, to know that he is a liar or to watch him believe his own bullshit.

"I will take it to the garage for repairs" he said

I was furious, My fists clenched in angst at just the sound of his voice. I look at him and all I feel is tired.

I couldn't even reply, I simply made my way out of the house to get some air and my love letter

A love note or a poem from someone I care about could be enough to distract me from all this pain and darkness, if only for a little while.

But when I opened the mail box today, I couldn't find any letters. It's the first time in weeks that I haven't received a letter

Terror had me all for a moment, and it ravaged me, and when it was finished, shock had its way with me, and left me cold and helpless.

I checked the time to see if I was too early, or late. But I wasn't, I was on time.

I checked again, but the only thing I saw was a piece of paper with a drawing on it. It's the drawing of a heart torn apart, it's blood was black and inside it is a dark, bottomless pit. No love note, nothing to make me feel better

I cried, but not the kind of crying you are familiar with, The worst type. And the worst type of crying wasn't the kind everyone could see the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of my soul that is barely surviving my tragic life. For people like me, my soul contained more scar tissue than life now

My tears ran down my cheeks freely, with me not making a single sound. After a while, I rubbed my eyes and they felt like they were coming loose. Soon they'd slip out of their sockets and I'd be left to wander blind and staggering this land of longing and ache.

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