~There is only one kind of happiness, but misfortune comes in all shapes and sizes. Happiness is an allegory, unhappiness a story~

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Saleem

I have lost everything, I couldn't believe how my beautiful life plummet to the ground at an instant. Calamity came for me and assumes the shape that will be sure to hurt me most.

I guess hardships don't wait until you're ready. One day you're the hammer, the next day the nail.

I am sure even the Angels keep weeping in my soul, For the way they couldn't save me from myself nor the devilish things I do unwillingly

All my blessings and achievements turn to be a curse. But then again, perhaps the whole human race is cursed, and I'm simply in the lower echelon and therefore lose everything first.

I feel dismayed, unjustly attacked and hated on all sides by my wife and Sugar maama

Sugar Maama has destroyed me. She seduced me with a sweet voice, spoke kind words, and stroked my hair to lower my guard, to make me trust her, to trick me. She sullied my body, my voice, my heart, remade me as a terrifying monster, she turned me into her minion. She was a disfigured phantom wearing a mask

Shock is when language and emotion get overwritten by trauma's numbing code. I was going into shock, The pain of losing everything wasn't getting any better, and I thought that I would probably black out before I found out how this was going to end. Just as well I was never particularly good at finishing things.

When I left Ameerah's house, I had no where to go. I called the few people I know,  asking if I could spend a few nights at their place, but most of them came up with excuses. Only a few said yes, but when I showed up with a child, they changed their minds immediately. I bet this boy is going to be my doom and downfall

I rented an affordable one room apartment and sat there and just suffered for a couple of days. I suffered there until I was strong enough to face the fact that I have lost everything

Unfortunately, everything in the apartment is falling apart, one after the other. Yesterday was the heating system, the day before was a plumbing issue and today it's the roofing. Plus my child has a fever. I took him to a clinic and spent a lot on him.

This boy gives me sleepless nights, he cries a lot and is very picky with food. I am struggling to put a decent roof over our heads and food in our mouths, but he doesn't seem to get it

Ever since he came into my life, My Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer I dwell on my misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm me. So I started writing again, but the child never let me write in peace. I barely write as much as a paragraph with him around

I stood by the mirror and take a look at my self, and I couldn't even recognize me. Apart from the weight I have lost, I look tired and worn out and miserable

These days, No one is adequate to comprehending the misery of my lot. Fate obliges me to be constantly in movement, in pursuit for a means of livelihood and from the restlessness of my destiny I never acquired one. I have lost all my friends and connections, Fain would I lay down, miserably every night for I envy those who enjoy their lives

In days that follow, I discover that anger is easier to handle than grief. So I became angry at myself, our child and his mother

Sleepless in this bed I made, I realized that this misery and sadness may linger on through out my life. I felt like pressing a pillow to the child's head and suffocate him to death when I remembered that his mother is elsewhere enjoying herself with somebody else while I suffer. I managed to push the terrible thought out of my head when I picked up my pen and started writing

Just a few weeks had passed, but my account is almost empty. One day you'd think misfortune would get tired but then time turned out to be my biggest misfortune

I was tired of spending money, tired of everything and crazy and rushed, and every time we boarded a car, I wanted the car to crash. I am tired and bored with my life, my house and taking care of my child. The saddest part is, I couldn't see any way to change things. Only end them.

And then, a strangely comforting thought trickled through me. I had nothing, so I could do anything now. Anything I wanted. I had nothing left to lose.

I decided to give my child up for adoption so that I can save what's left of my money before I figure out my next move, Perhaps I should find another sugar maama, It's better to burn out than to fade away.

That night, I dressed up, took the boy to a local baby sitter and set out on my quest for finding another sugar mama that would take care of me. I went to a strategic location, One of the most popular and expensive clubs in the country. I used 90 percent of what's left of my money to buy a ticket and made my way to the entrance.

I joined the queue by the entrance and impatiently waited for my turn to go in. My eyes darken when I saw my new prospective sugar maama's going in and out of the club. Fresh prey, I thought. My body didn't really react in a sexual way, It's the devil inside me that celebrates my next conquest.

Finally, when it was my turn to go inside, I searched for my ticket but I couldn't find it. It was stolen from my pocket while I stood absentmindedly on the queue, with my eyes desperately searching for it's new prey. I was thrown out of the line

I was devastated, but I didn't let my determination die. I waited by the entrance, observing, waiting for an opportunity, a perfect moment to strike. I was about to make my move when I saw a befitting, middle aged woman but a drunk idiot ran into me and puked on my shirt. I had no other option but to leave

I went back to the club day after day and stood at a very safe distance from the entrance, watching every woman that goes in and out of it until one day, when someone lodged a complaint against me, and I was warned never to stand anywhere near the famous club like a terrorist, to avoid being arrested.

I searched tirelessly for a sugar mama anywhere I thought I had the chance of getting one, but luck was not on my side. I gave up trying when my life truly took a turn for the worse, I had to sell my laptop in order to eat.

I was in the biggest breakdown of my life when I stopped crying long enough to let the words of my epiphany really sink in. That whore, karma, had finally made her way around, and had just bitch-slapped me right across the face. The realization only made me cry harder.

I am the sum of my misfortunes, I took the terrible things happening to me as a sign that I'm living in the real world. I see my bad luck and misfortune as inevitable fate.

I miss my old life, I miss my wife, I terribly miss everything I had. I picked my phone and called Ameerah one more time, but she didn't pick up. I call her every single day, but she never picks up.

I realized that I was holding on to something that doesn't exist anymore, That the person I missed doesn't exist anymore. People change, The things we like and dislike change. And we can wish they couldn't all day long but that never works.

I felt my relationship with Ameerah had been one of the most enriching experiences of my life, and I know she would always be a huge part of the person I had become, but she had outgrown me. I knew I had to let her go, so she could be with someone who really wanted to be in a faithful relationship, with all the love and commitment she deserved.

I was even a little glad that if it wasn't going to be me she wanted, it was going to be someone who really deserved her. But I desperately pray that she doesn't find one, that she comes back to me and mend the bleeding wound inside my heart

I left the house really early the next morning with my son and his bags, I went to an adoption center and started the process. I was lucky it went smoothly that  I was able to leave the boy there. I was strong enough to let him go because the kind of stillness of being nothing, and doing things from that emptiness has made me strong.

On my way home, I couldn't stop thinking about the boy. But I couldn't go back for him, I am sure I did what's best for him, what's best for both of us. I hope that he gets a better life, I prayed that he gets better parents, ones that could give him all the best things in life. I also prayed that we meet again someday

I was buried in my thoughts when I heard my phone ringing, I brought it out of my pocket reluctantly. But I was thrilled when I saw the caller ID

It's Ameerahs brother, maybe he wants me back with his sister. Only that could mend my bleeding wounds. I thought

"Hello" he said as soon as I picked up

I opened my mouth to talk, But there was nothing to say. There was only emptiness, as there had been before Ameerah. As there would always be now that I have lost everything

"I just wanted to tell you that Ameerah has been hospitalized, I thought I should let you know, since she's still your wife. You can come see her at the hospital, but she still hasn't forgiven you" he said jokingly, leaving me speechless.

He sent me the address of the hospital as soon as he ended the call

I guess even when all is lost and your faith has weakened, life will still surprise you. That's how stories happen, with a turning point, an unexpected twist.

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