~Sometimes, It takes a heartbreak to shake us awake and help us see we are worth so much more than we are settling for~

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Yasmeen

I woke up to the terrible news of Ameenu's called off engagement. Looking at the place where I and Ahmad are right now, I think it's for the best. At least he wouldn't bring an innocent life into his own only for him to ruin it

I realized how truly hard it is, to see someone you loved change right before your eyes. Not only is it scary, it throws your balance off as well.

I guess life is just a slide, back and forth between loving and leaving, remembering and forgetting, holding on and letting go.

What a turnout of events, I thought. At the beginning of life was the end of another, at the highest point of joy was the beginning of the worst pain a human being could ever go through. It was simply the mystery of birth and death.

Right now, I want a word that describes the feeling that you get, a cold sick feeling, deep down inside, when you know something is happening that will change you and you don't want it to, but you can't stop it. And you know, for the very first time, that there will now be a before and an after, a was and a will be. And that you will never again quite be the same person you were.

You can obsess and obsess over how things ended, what you did wrong or could have done differently, but there's not much of a point. It's not like it'll change anything. So really, why worry?

"Hang in there" I told myself, as I got out of bed to perform one last duty as a wife to Ahmad. I made tea and breakfast for him, then I had a shower

I was doing my makeup when he called me. As I approached him, I knew it was time to say goodbye. I wanted a long goodbye hug, but he quickly gave me his hand.

I knew it was goodbye forever for me, but he thought I would return until he decides to send me away again.

I press my small hand between his large ones and linger a moment, We just stared at each other for a little while. So much time had passed since our eyes last met, So much had changed.

When I looked at him, I felt so sad, because this thought occurred to me: "I will never look at him the same way again. I'll never be that girl again. The girl who comes running back every time you push her away, the girl who loves you anyway. He gave and then he took away. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, the familiar ache, that lost, regretful feeling only he could give me. I never wanted to feel it again. Never, ever.

If I was very brave, I would tell him. I would say it out loud, so he would know it and I could never take it back. But I wasn't that brave, so all I did was look at him and whisper to myself:
"I release you. I evict you from my heart"

"Good bye and safe journey, call me when you reach your destination" he said gleefully

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I let his hand go, He turned away so quickly like he is afraid I would suck him back in, I watched him walk out the door. I quickly went to the balcony and stood there, watching his car drifting away, one last time

There was silence, Such silence has an actual sound, the sound of disappearance.

He left that morning, his last words still echoing in my head. One of the most difficult things I have ever done was watch him turn away and leave while I stood in the living room in complete and utter darkness

I ached with loss that I had never allowed myself to feel, As if I was leaving something important behind. And that something was me.

It's sad that when someone you used to love and lived with says goodbye, you can stare long and hard at the door they closed and forget to see all the doors God has open in front of you.

Anger was all I felt, for my wasted life, wasted time and lost virginity. No amount of soul searching would fix this. There is no magical Band-Aid I could stick on my heart, no special glue I could use to make myself whole or virgin again.

I know this sounds incredibly lame,
but I don't want the memory of losing my virginity to feel like I have lost something.
I wanted it to feel like I have found something. I wanted the memory of it to be amazing. I wanted it to be the life-alteringly wonderful Memory. Realizing that it was with someone temporary, someone I have fallen out of love with, someone alien to me now and totally not worth it, made me want to delete it from my memory.

In that moment, it felt like I had shattered to pieces like a fragile vase on concrete, some fragments could be roughly cobbled back together, but many of my vital parts had simply turned to dust, pulverized and scattered by the first gust of wind.

I walk back to my room somewhat deflated. Nothing was as I had expected, but then, most of life usually takes one by surprise. I realized we were never meant to be a long time ago, but I never had the nerve to leave and I never expected it to end this soon.

I was packing my boxes when my mother called me. When I heard her voice, I was paralyzed by a mixture of emotions

"How are you dear?" She asked, as soon as I picked up

"I'm fine" I answered, with a shaky voice

"Are you sure you're okey honey?" She asked again, but there was only silence

I stood still, vision blurring, and I heard my heart break again. But this time, It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower's stem. Not the usual shattering into a million pieces

Then my lower lip started trembling and a fog of sadness rose through my chest and head, emerging as tears. This is real, I will be embarking on a new journey

I shook my head and found to my surprise that I have tears left after all. My world was crumbling around me and anything could happen. Oh what an ill fate it was that has made me love Ahmad

"Let it out honey, let it all out. You'll feel better, I'll be right here on the phone with you okey" my mother said.

And then I let it all out, she was with me on the phone the whole time, until I finally pulled myself together, It was such a relief. I wiped my tears and promised myself never to cry over this again. But those tears, I will never forgive Ahmad for, as long as I live. I assumed our marriage is finally finally over

When you have to face up to the fact that marriage to the man you used to love is really over, that's very tough, sheer agony. In that kind of harrowing situation, I wanted to disappear, go away and cut myself off from the world. But then, I sober up immediately when I remember the reasons why I decided to leave and never come back

Ahmad has helped me put two of my boxes in my car before he left, I gave him the impression that those were the only ones I am taking. But after he left, I packed all of my clothes and anything I could think of, anything portable

When I told him I would return and he believed, I was surprised that he didn't know a broken promise from a right one, for he has used them himself. there is no coming back. Minds like mine can't be tamed and the price for freedom is the price I chose to pay.

When I finished packing my boxes, I made my way out in search of someone who can help me load them in my car

I came face to face with Ameenu as soon as I stepped out of the house. He stared at me like day stares at an hourglass and night, the sand trickling through time, the sea disappearing to eyes in the dark. But I hear his waves coming in, as I whisper "goodbye"

"Are you leaving?" He asked

"Yes" I answered

"Finally" he said, with a breath of relief

Surprised, my head snapped towards him and I looked at him in disbelief

"I mean, we are going to miss seeing you around. I mean ...... not like miss miss......I mean ...... let me help you with the bags" she said, grabbing the bag I was holding.

He was acting really weird, but I didn't care to ask. There was so much I could have said to him but chose not to.

He put my bag in the car and went back to the house to get the rest of my stuff. He loaded them in the trunk of my car

"Bye" I said, in a very low tone when he was done

He nods, as if to acknowledge that endings are almost always a little sad, even when there is something to look forward to on the other side.

I got in the car and started it, while he stood by the door with concern written all over his face.

We both looked at each other through the windscreen as I drove off and we waved at each other before I could not see him anymore.

There are times when the actual experience of leaving something makes you wish desperately that you could stay, but in this case, leaving reminds me a hundred times over why exactly I had to leave in the first place.

I'll tell you this. Leaving that which you love breaks your heart open. But you will find a jewel inside, and this precious jewel is the opening of your heart to all that is new and all that is different, and it will be the making of you if you allow it to be.

Even seasonal situations can bring with them lessons that last a lifetime. If the love doesn't last, it prepares you for the one that will. This is the wake of my adventures and my immigrant dreams.

As paralyzing and upsetting as all the never agains were, the final leaving felt perfect, Pure, The most distilled possible form of liberation. I started driving really fast, wanting to put even more distance between myself and Ahmad's house. It is so hard to leave until you leave, And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.

With every step I took, it became more impossible for me to turn back.

I realized that the act of me leaving was just the full stop at the end of a terrible sentence. Fact is, I lost Ahmad long before I ever left

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