Chapter 4: Down the Rabbit Hole (1)

One week later, it was finally D-Day. Having spent two whole weeks hatching up this plan, I was going to meet Cheng Yujin in person to speak with him.

Thanks to a personal contact of Qian Sicheng who worked in the management of the broadcasting station where Cheng Yujin was employed, I managed to obtain a ticket to watch the filming of the special episode of I Can Be A Songwriter Too as part of the studio audience. To think that my first time seeing Cheng Yujin in person was to watch him work behind the scenes of a variety show filming, and not to watch him perform on stage. Although the whole of my precious Saturday would be lost to acting as a part of an enthusiastic audience, it was fortunate that Cheng Yujin was indeed part of the production crew today. Dressed in dark clothing while wearing a cap and a face mask, he was very recognisable from afar.

After a couple of hours of recording, the producer director finally called for a short break. The stage lights dimmed as the artistes headed towards the backstage while chatting and networking with each other. I searched among the production and filming crew members for Cheng Yujin and found him standing in the shadows on one side of the stage, speaking to the musicians who were playing in the live band. Seeing him in person, my heart swelled with happiness and excitement; but at the same time, my heart was also shattered.

What had happened to him that he ended up in such a state?

If he had a chance to relive his life, why had he chosen this current path and abandoned his past self?

Was I the only one who possessed these memories that Cheng Yujin was once a shining star in the entertainment industry?

"Did you see the announcement that our family's Mumu would soon have his own solo album?" The girl sitting beside me suddenly squealed as she waved her phone in her friend's face.

"What?" The other girl snatched the phone and clasped one hand over her mouth. Her eyes widened in joy as she took in the information. "His agency is finally giving him the recognition that he deserves!"

"It's only because Mumu won first place in this season's I Can Be A Singer-Songwriter Too. Otherwise, that agency of his would never be able to recognise Mount Tai," said the girl beside me in a tone of displeasure. "Mumu is so talented, but he has always been unable to shine as his agency gives all the opportunities to the other UP5tar members."

The two girls looked like they were still in high school or had just entered their first year of university. They were each holding an LED display sign that had the words "Situ Jiamu (heart)" and "Mumu - Quick Marry Me!" Without a doubt, they were fans of that young idol singer who had the privilege of being taught by our family's Yujin-ge in the eighth episode.

"He was also really blessed to have a mentor like Yue Quan. This student-teacher pair had the highest score for majority of the episodes."

"Really? I thought that it was more like a blessing in disguise that Yue Quan was hospitalised and was absent for those two episodes. Even though Mumu didn't have his teacher, the songs that he wrote and sang were amazing. My Love in the City's Ocean even topped the charts the day after that episode aired."

Guiltily eavesdropping, my ears perked up instantly. Having done my research, I was aware that this was the song that actually propelled Situ Jiamu to stardom overnight. It was the song that social media said certified him as a genuine singer-songwriter. I was puzzled by the undeserved credit that this rising star was receiving, but I didn't need to dig far to understand the situation. It turned out that Situ Jiamu was credited as the performer, composer and lyricist. Cheng Yujin was also credited, but only as the producer. But based on my memories, Cheng Yujin had been all three—performer, lyricist and composer. I scoffed under my breath: "How shameless of the production crew to let Situ Jiamu to take the credit when he barely contributed to the creation of the song. To think that Cheng Yujin would also encounter violation of intellectual property in this life."

A quizzical hum floated into my ears. Turning my head towards the right, I found Situ Jiamu's fangirl frowning at me with an intense glower. Her lips curved downwards as she stared silently at me, as if waiting for me to clarify my words or to eat them.

"Is something the matter?" I asked in my most polite voice, hoping not to start any conflict.

But my kindness was not reciprocated.

"Repeat that again," she spat out. "What did you call our Jiamu-ge?"

Frowning, I paused for a moment to consider how I should respond to prevent this strange turn of event from escalating further.

"I didn't call him anything. What did you hear me say?"

The girl fumed, her livid eyes shooting daggers. "Shameless! How dare you call him shameless?" she said at the top of her voice, inviting the stunned and curious gazes of those sitting around us. "I heard you say that, don't you dare deny it!"

My face quickly grew warm with all the unwanted attention. The studio wasn't a very large one. It was bad enough that the people around us were already becoming a melon-eating audience. It would be worse if this girl's loud voice attracted the attention of the staff members to our ridiculous quarrel.

"Let's not make a mountain out of a molehill. I didn't call Situ Jiamu shameless. I was just saying that the production crew didn't give credit to whom credit was due," I hazarded in a low but clear voice. "Young friends, let me educate you a little. The songwriter of the recent hit song My Love in the City's Ocean is not Situ Jiamu, but his temporary mentor, Mr Cheng Yujin. Don't believe everything you see on TV."

"Shut your mouth!" Furious Fangirl snarled with gritted teeth. The sound of her shrill voice echoed through the suddenly hushed studio. "Are you an anti-fan? Have you come to ruin the show?"

I rolled my eyes. As I had never actually chased after stars before, it was my first time encountering a crazy fan in real life. "I'm not an anti-fan, I'm not anyone's fan. I'm here to watch a show, not to start a conflict and make a show out of myself."

Her friend tugged on her arm frantically, urging her to calm down. However, Furious Fangirl continued to loudly lash out at me: "Our gege works hard on stage and behind the scenes. It is not for a passer-by like you to insult him or sow discord between him and the people that he works with!"

At some point, I realised that the audience seated on the other side of the studio, a couple of the artistes who had returned back to the stage and the whole production crew had their eyes fixed on the little fracas here. I sunk deeper into my seat, desperately wishing that a hole would open beneath me right now to swallow me up. From the corner of my eyes, I noticed a staff member frantically making her way up the steps towards us.

"I think you should calm down and speak softly if you don't want to be kicked out of this place," I hissed under my breath, nodding my head in the direction of the flustered-looking staff member.

"If anyone is to be kicked out, it should be you," Furious Fangirl retorted without missing a beat. "Someone without any etiquette—"

The staff member came up beside us and spoke sternly: "I'm sorry but I will have to ask the both of you to leave as you are disrupting the filming."

"Ah—" I whispered, my heart stopping. This could be my only chance to meet Cheng Yujin and to find out what exactly was happening. I could not afford to lose it. Perhaps I could offer to shift to another seat for the rest of the show. I just needed to stay until the end.

"I'm not leaving!" The girl huffed, crossing her arms in protest. "This older sister should be the one who leaves. She was trying to slander your programme team by saying that you hired ghostwriters to write songs for the artistes."

"Huh? That's not what I said." I leapt to my feet, horrified at the wrongful accusation. I hurriedly explained to the staff member: "I only stated the fact that it was Cheng Yujin who wrote the song for Situ Jiamu, but the programme team didn't give him proper credit. I never said anything about ghostwriters."

As soon as the words left my lips, murmurs and hushed whispers spread quickly around us.

The staff member smiled at me awkwardly. "Miss, I'm not sure where you've gotten that idea from, but if you have any issues with our production, please drop us an email with your feedback. If you could just follow me out—I'll get your contact details and have someone from our team contact you?"

"No! No need for that. I just want to see Mr Cheng Yujin. Would that be possible?" I collected myself and made a last-ditched attempt to accomplish my agenda.

"Cheng Yujin?" she repeated, her eye brows went up questioningly. "We're in the middle of filming right now—I suggest that you arrange a meeting with him through official channels instead."

A tall, middle-aged man in a casual dress shirt, who was wearing a headset microphone, hurried towards us. With a poker-face expression, he listened calmly to the staff member explain the whole situation before stepping between us and turning to face to me. I felt my colour rise under his cold stare.

"Hi, I'm Wang Yong, the music director of this programme. May I ask why are you looking for our employee?"

I hesitated. "Uh, he—Mr Cheng, he did something which affected my life; so I need an answer from him," I said at length.

Director Wang scratched his beard before clearing his throat. "This sounds like something personal—perhaps you may wish to speak with him in private?"

"No, wait." I cried, my hand smacking my forehead. "It's just that recently my life was turned upside down by him and I need understand from him what had happened. I've no other way of contacting him, so I've come here to look for him."

I watched Director Wang intently for a reaction, my lips trembling. Without details, I knew that my ambiguous words would sound cryptic to others. Right now, I guess I that the only thing left that I could do was to wait for them to call security on me.

"Well, Yujin, he..." Director Wang began distractedly as he searched around the studio. Suddenly, he paused and waved a beckoning hand in the air. "Xiaocheng, come over here," he shouted across the rows of seats in the direction of the stage.

My eyes followed Director Wang's gaze, landing on Cheng Yujin. My jaws went slack. I suddenly wished that the audience was required to wear a face mask instead of a face shield today.

Above his bright blue mask, a pair of familiar heart-wrenching phoenix eyes stared sharply at me, calling all my senses to focus and attune to him. His piercing gaze held a depth that penetrated my delicate soul. Unable to see his full expression, I wasn't able to tell what my favourite singer was feeling at the moment. But despite being summoned by his superior, he remained frozen in the same spot. His left hand tightly clenched a roll of paper, not caring that it was becoming crumpled and wrinkled.

"This lad—" Director Wang breathed impatiently before looking down at his watch. Turning towards me, he said, "Young lady, we're going to resume filming soon. I'll get Xiaocheng to look for you after this is over, alright? Eh—why are you crying?"

Despite his unexpected attempt to help me, at this moment, Director Wang's words were zipping right over my head. I opened my mouth to respond, but my perfunctory words of gratitude were caught in my throat. Unable to tear my gaze from Cheng Yujin's, I staggered backwards as my hand around my seat for my bag and my coat.

Snatching it up, I inclined my head toward the ground and made a beeline for the exit.

Not caring about the surprised shouts and the sea of flurried murmurs behind me, I burst out of the studio. It was only when the heavy metal doors slammed shut behind me that I found a sense of relief in the silent corridor. And it was only when I trudged into the empty lift, took off my face shield and caught my reflection in the mirrors that I realised that warm tears were flowing down my cheeks.

Drying my face and red-rimmed eyes with my sleeves, I drew in a deep breath, closed my eyes and counted down from ten.

Ten. Exhale.

Maybe I was truly insane.

Nine. Inhale.

But it didn't matter that I was the only one in the world who knew Singer Cheng Yujin.

Eight. Exhale.

Because in this life, he chose a different path for himself.

Seven. Inhale.

As long as it made him happy.

Six. Exhale.

I was just an ordinary fan. There was nothing I could do to influence his decisions.

Five. Inhale.

Today, I realised that both Singer Cheng Yujin and Layperson Cheng Yujin were not from the same world as me.

Four. Exhale.

Even so, Singer Cheng Yujin had always felt like someone I was friends with.

Three. Inhale.

But Layperson Cheng Yujin in this world was a complete stranger. He didn't know his fans. And didn't want us to know him either.

Two. Exhale.

Why did he choose this path? I wish I could ask. But alas, I had no right to know.

One. Inhale.

If only I could turn back time to meet a younger Cheng Yujin and know what he was thinking then. If only I could know what his dreams and aspirations were. If only I could know his heart.

Opening my eyes with a loud sigh, I looked at my reflection in the mirror and smiled wryly. As if that would ever happen—

A loud bang interrupted my thoughts before the lift jerked violently. Crumpling to the ground, a sharp pain jolted up my knees and forearm. The lights in the lift started flickering and the numbers on the display panel changed incessantly. Before I could react, a weightless feeling overwhelmed me as blood rushed to my head. My heart hammered painfully in my chest as my fingernails scratched the floor, desperately trying to find something to cling onto. A guttural scream escaped my lungs as the lift plunged for what felt like eternity.

***