Opaline knew people could be starships. What happened to so-and-so, you'd ask, oh he's a starship now, people would say, and you wouldn't really think about it.

When you really got down to it, though, it was weird. It was weird for a person to decide to become a starship. Now she and Cujo were standing inside the command center of the ship that, only just this moment, Opaline truly conceptualized was effectively the body of her old friend Darcy. Darcy had chosen to incarnate himself as an avatar on a video screen, an image of what was effectively an idealized version of what he would have looked like as a human if he hadn't, you know, become a starship.

It was weird.

"There's no way anyone's going to overhear us now," said Darcy. "We're outside of Consensus Space. So what's your mysterious plan?"

"I already explained the gist of it: we establish electromagnetic supremacy over a world on the brink of nuclear war, put a moratorium on the use of heavy weapons, and thereby force the two sides to come to terms diplomatically. Then everyone thinks we're great and Appetent helps me get into Exigency."

"That's it? That's your whole plan after all this?"

"That's all you need. It's simple because it's elegant."

"I thought you would have something, you know, better."

"What do you care anyway, mercenary? You're only doing this because I have more rep than you now."

"That's not fair." said Darcy. He looked genuinely hurt.

"Maybe not but you gave up your right to criticize my plan when you made me jump through all those hoops to get your help," replied Opaline.

"Is any of this legal?"

"We'll be in their jurisdiction so that all depends on whether the aliens thought to codify a law against invading themselves."

"Oh..." said Darcy.

"Don't get cold feet on me now, you're supposed to be this Herculean rogue starship. This is exactly the kind of stuff you do all the time."

Darcy didn't want to admit that he mostly just ferried people around. He liked this other interpretation of himself.

"Right. You're right. I'm just keeping track. Making a note of it," he said. "So I'm assuming you already know of an alien species on the brink of nuclear war?"

"Who do you take me for?" asked Opaline. "Obviously I do. Onogo system please."

"Which planet?"

"The inhabited one."

* * *

As soon as they arrived in the Onogo system Darcy let loose a cloud of microscopic sensor drones like a fart. They quickly began to spread across the planet and deeper into the system.

"You said these people are on the brink of nuclear war, right?" asked Darcy after some of the data started coming back.

"Right," agreed Opaline. Cujo barked because he agreed too.

"How long ago was that?"

"Well right around when I first contacted you, so a little more than a standard month?"

"Yeah because it looks like we're too late."

"What?"

"It's a total nuclear wasteland down there. Classic autoannihilation."

"What?" was all Opaline could muster. Cujo nuzzled her leg to comfort her and she absentmindedly stroked his head.

"Don't be too hard on yourself, this happens to about 70% of all species once they split the atom."

"I was supposed to save them," said Opaline, her voice growing distant.

"Hey. Listen. You're not responsible for this," said Darcy. "You did everything you could to help them. Nobody else did."

"What difference did it make?" asked Opaline. Her voice was oddly emotionless. Now Darcy was sure of it; she had turned off a physiological reaction. She was stopping herself from crying.

"It's a big galaxy Opaline," said Darcy. "These aren't the only civilization with nukes. We can't help them but we can still help someone else. Your plan can still work."

"Let's do that then," said Opaline. There was nothing of her in her voice.

* * *

They had to make their way back to Consensus Space to get access to the computer networks. Here they both released clouds but of digital simulacra and autonomous computer programs to troll all through the various computer webs, data feeds, and other more arcane alien networks.

After days of searching Opaline and Darcy reintegrated these pieces of themselves back into their primary consciousness and took on the trove of information they brought back with them.

It was a little depressing how many alien civilizations seemed to fit their criteria.

<You should just pick whoever is closest,> suggested Cujo. <Less of a chance of them killing themselves before you get there.>

They did exactly that.

* * *

Darcy emerged from hyperspace back down into the lower dimensions close to the planet Ssphlebeleb in the Phlesses system. He farted out another cloud of micro sensors.

"We got 'em," he said at length. "These ones are still alive."

"Good," said Opaline. "Is the EMFM ready?"

"Bringing it online now," said Darcy. "Give me a minute and I'll have complete dominion over the local electromagnetic spectrum."

Opaline let out a sigh of relief. She was half expecting these people to blow themselves up before she got there. Preventing nuclear war was stressful.

"Let's start monitoring their communications," said Opaline. "They're supposed to be spoken word users so it shouldn't be hard for us to worry out their language."

"Already on it," replied Darcy. "And the EMFM is ready. If anyone tries to shoot anything bigger than a personal firearm I'll be able to see it and stop it. Well, the autonomous program I set up to monitor for these things will. I have better things to do."

"Let's just limit ourselves to ICBMs for the time being," said Opaline. "Wait until we can tell them what we're doing before we go all in."

"Right," agreed Darcy.

"Things are finally coming together," said Opaline, smiling mischievously.

* * *

Thebel flicked tongues out from all four sides of his head nervously. The air had an undertaste of agitation and unwashed bodies.

The small underground dome was almost pitch black but the air was alive with sensation. It told the story of six men standing around a table console entirely in over their heads.

"We need to move against the Lelala," said Blebeb. "Hide our weakness behind a show of strength. Word could already have reached the Lelala of the situation with our nuclear weapons. That's if this whole thing isn't their doing, which seems like the most likely explanation. If they confirm that we have no means of retaliation they will surely destroy us all!"

"That's what I would do in the same position," agreed Sses.

Both Blebeb and Sses were mental defectives, Thebel reasoned. If they'd been given their way the entire species would have been wiped out several times over. It was no wonder that even now, in their time of greatest vulnerability, they agitate for aggression.

"The risk is too great," said Phelessel. "The last thing we should do at this moment is provoke the enemy."

"We should prepare an overwhelming strike with conventional weapons," suggested Sashess. "Then the moment we suspect the Lelala have learned of our weakness we attack."

"That will be of little help while our cities are burning in atomic fire," hissed Blebeb.

While the others argued Thebel felt the small communicator in his third audial canal buzz. He knew his assistants would only have forwarded a maximum-priority call under the current circumstances.

"Pholess Thebel," said a voice Thebel didn't recognize. "This is Gless with the Institute of Xenological Affairs."

"Never heard of it," said Thebel, quietly. "I am too busy to talk. My assistants can deal with whatever your issue is."

"This is important," continued Gless, his words running together in his haste to get them out. "I think I know the cause of... the current situation with our... weapons systems. No, in fact I know what the cause is."

"Don't waste time. What is it?"

"Aliens."

* * *

<Do you think it's fine?> asked Opaline. <Be honest.>

<I think it's perfectly fine,> replied Cujo.

<You sure?>

<I don't write a lot of speeches I'm not the expert.>

"Okay," said Opaline. "Go with that then."

"Sending now," said Darcy. "And I'm increasing my weapons nullification to anything large enough for me to detect."

The message went out, over all frequencies and through all means of wireless communication (as well as several devices that weren't strictly designed for it). The translation was broad but adequate.

"This is a formal declaration of peace against the people of Ssphlebeleb. As of this moment I have complete electromagnetic supremacy over this planet. In practical terms I have nullified all large-scale weaponry planet wide. You don't have anything you could use to fight back against me and even if you did I wouldn't let you fire it.

"This is what you get when you start playing with nuclear weapons. Do you want to blow yourselves up? Do you know what happened to the last alien species who tried what you're trying? They blew themselves up. We just got here from their planet and it's a mess. You don't want to go that route so smarten up.

"I may be willing to consider lifting these restrictions and going home once you kids prove you can play nice. Let the peace negotiations begin!"