Both alien governments were able to establish contact with Opaline within the local day. She had hoped they would have talked to each other but this still seemed like a step in the right direction.

Darcy split the screen he had been using for his avatar in two to allow for Opaline to see the two Ssphlebeleboid leaders' faces. Their heads were radially symmetrical and looked like the heads of four anteaters connected at the backs, only they seemed to have multiple tongues in each snout.

Darcy represented himself with a hologram to avoid having to answer a lot of tedious questions about who and what he was.

It all felt very low-tech.

"First of all I want to say that is an affront to our people that you have imposed yourself in this way and we act entirely under duress," said The Grand Ssphegebeb Shoosh. "However my people acknowledge the supremacy of your technology. Therefore we are willing to enter into negotiations in the hopes that we can arrive at some kind of resumefire."

"The Laleth of the People of Lelala reluctantly concurs with the Grand Ssphegebeb," said Thala, the First Lethesseth Among Seethels, on the opposite side of the screen. "We would like to know what your demands are in order for us to see the return of our nuclear arsenals."

"No..." stammered Opaline. "You're supposed to negotiate with each other for peace, not with me for war."

"That is out of the question," said Thala. "We would never agree to peace with those treacherous Thesethesians!"

"We have no common ground! There can be no compromise!" spat Shoosh, the already wet Ssphlebeleboid language growing slimier as he grew more upset. "One of our people must be supreme above the other. That is the sole path to peace."

"That's right. The Lelala must rule all of Ssphlebeleb, that is the only peace."

"If you call subjugation peace! The only real hope for our people is Grandmother Thesethes! The fragrant scentmarker of civilization!"

"I'm sure you have a whole lot of interesting historical feuds, but the thing about atomic weapons is once you have them you have to give up that nonsense or die in nuclear fire."

"To call our grievances nonsense is an insult to my ancestors!" hissed Shoosh.

"And mine!" agreed Thala.

"Well you're going to have to figure it out because you can't have any of your weapons back until you do. Talk among yourselves for a while."

With a mental command she cut out the feed and both aliens disappeared from her screen.

"This isn't going well is it?" Opaline asked.

"It's fine," said Darcy. "You've just started."

<He's wrong,> signaled Cujo. <This is a disaster.>

"Cujo says it's a disaster," said Opaline.

"The dog isn't always right!" insisted Darcy.

<At least I don't eat grass,> signaled Cujo. This time he let Darcy in on the communication.

"That was one time!" snapped Darcy. "I was five-years-old!"

"Yeah but it was in front of everyone," said Opaline.

"Are people still going to bring this up when we're a thousand?"

"I couldn't say," said Opaline. "I mean I know I will."

<It made an impression,> signaled Cujo.

"Yeah," agreed Opaline. "It made an impression."

* * *

Opaline let the two factions stew for a local day, a little more than 30 standard hours, and then started answering their communications again. Darcy set them both up on the split screen again.

"Have you talked to each other yet?" asked Opaline.

"We have," said Thala, "and we have come to a compromise."

"I'm glad to hear it," said Opaline.

"We have agreed to limit ourselves to three nuclear launches each," said Shoosh.

"That's terrible," said Opaline.

"No, you don't understand," explained Thala, "we each have many hundreds of atomic warheads-"

"We of Thesethes have many thousands!" interrupted Shoosh.

"The arsenal of Thesethes is a child's toy compared to the many redundant apocalypses represented by the might of that of Lelala!" snarled back Thala. "So you see it's a major concession we're making limiting ourselves to three."

"No," said Opaline. "No nukes."

"That's unreasonable," said Shoosh. "If the prerequisite for getting our nuclear weapons back is agreeing not to nuke each other then what's the point of these negotiations in the first place?"

"You should be aware that we both have anti-ballistic-missile defences," said Thala. "We might both shoot down all three nukes. You never know."

"The whole entire point of all of this is to prevent a nuclear war," said Oplaine. "I'm not giving you back your nukes if you're just going to immediately use them."

"Fine. I understand," said Thala. "Last offer: two nukes each. No ICBMs, we'll drop them from flying machines."

"No," said Opaline.

"You're a sharp negotiator," said Thala. "You win. One nuke each."

"No nuclear war!" snapped Opaline. "I'm not negotiating."

"You can't possibly object to one nuke each!" whined Shoosh. "One wee little nuke. We're fighting a war here! It would be humiliating not to use our most deadly weapons at least once. You have to give us that. You have to give us one."

"We'll even let you pick which warhead! You can pick small scale ones."

"Yeah we'd let you pick!"

"Do either of you have anything to say besides trying to convince me to let you nuke each other?" asked Opaline.

"I don't understand," said Thala. "What is the purpose of these negotiations?"

"You two need to get together and think of a second option for ending your conflict besides nuking each other because that's not on the table anymore. I'll take your call again tomorrow."

She cut out the transmission.

<Don't be sad,> signaled Cujo.

Opaline knelt down and rubbed the scuff of his neck.

"I'm not," she said. "I can't lose unless I give up, which means I've already won."

<That's not how that works,> signaled Cujo.

* * *

That afternoon the First Lethesseth Among Seethels made use of a secret, seldom used means of backdoor communications to get in touch with the Grand Ssphegebeb in order to have a discussion away from probing tongues. Despite being enemies sworn to mutual destruction they found it easy to arrive at an understanding given the circumstances.

"We are in agreement then," said Thala. "We tell the alien what it wants to hear so that it will go away."

"It is the only rational course of action," agreed Shoosh.

* * *

At her appointed time Opaline accepted communications from both the alien leaders, who were again represented on the split screen.

"We would both like to express our individual and specific thanks to you, alien," said Thala. "Due to your morally justifiable actions we have changed our way of thinking to conform with yours. We will no longer use the most effective means available to pursue our goals and will instead limit our ambitions in the name of making peace with our most hated ancestral foes."

"Peace of this kind is very desirable, both to us and our enemies, and this is why we will engage in it," agreed Shoosh. "Peace is so desirable that we will not require nuclear weapons. So please return to us control over our nuclear weapons."

<They're lying,> signaled Cujo, privately.

"Why the sudden change of heart?" asked Opaline.

The translation software muddled through the idiom and ended up making a reference to the Ssphlebeleb anal gland.

"We have seen the wisdom in your words," said Shoosh.

"And your actions," added Thala.

"Oh yes and your wise actions."

"Now that we have acquired peace it would be a more effective use of your resources to seek out other weaker species and meddle in their wars for the greater good."

"You have done all the good that is necessary here."

"So if I decide to leave this planet and you had access to your nuclear arsenals again you wouldn't want to start bombing each other?"

"Of course not," said Thala.

"No. Never," agreed Shoosh, at the same time.

"Why not?"

"Because we love our peaceful neighbors too much," said Shoosh.

"No you don't, you're hated enemies."

"That's... not..." Thala tried.

"We are!" Shoosh interrupted.

"We are!" Thala agreed.

"So if you can't explain to me a sufficient reason for why you're not going to immediately nuke each other the second my back is turned how can I trust that you're serious?"

"If even you can't think of a reason why we shouldn't then perhaps it's time to concede that we should!" sneered Shoosh.

"There are so many good reasons not to nuke each other!" insisted Opaline, her voice frayed from exasperation. "I have some scanner output from the planet we were at before arriving at yours. We've finally converted it to a data format that your computers will be able to read. I'm sending it over to both of you. Have a look and maybe you'll be able to come up with something."

Again she cut out the transmission. Opaline was beginning to feel a lot of guilt about being so consistently rude. She wasn't raised to show uncouth commettiquette.

* * *

For the rest of the day an army of engineers, xenologists, military officials and witch doctors poured over the alien data. It portrayed a planet in the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust. Nothing was left alive, nor would the planet be able to support life for many cycles.

The general consensus among both the Lelala and the Thesethes was that it was baseless alien propaganda designed to scare them away from reaching the full height of their ambitions. It was posited by both sides that this entire "alien peacekeeper" situation might be a subversive ploy by the enemy.

That night another clandestine series of communications was exchanged by the two most powerful people on Ssphlebeleb.

* * *

"We now understand the error of our previous ways," said Thala, the next day.

"We have researched the valuable truths you provided us and they have convinced us entirely," agreed Shoosh.

"Be specific then," said Opaline. "What truths?"

"It is too dangerous to use weapons atomic weapons as they cause an increase in the local background radiation that will negatively impact the health of even the victors. The winning side would rule over a poisoned planet," said Thala.

"Or none at all!" added Shoosh. "Why we could utterly depopulate the planet with enough atomic detonations. Then no side can truly be said to be the victors."

"Considering the size of our mutual arsenals that seems like the most likely outcome once a nuclear exchange begins."

"And the use of even a single nuke could provoke such an exchange!"

"That's... that's true," agreed Thala.

"So what you were doing the whole time is save us from ourselves. You really were motivated out of some kind of arrogant altruism."

"You saved us," said Thala.

"From ourselves," added Shoosh.

<They're lying,> signaled Cujo.

<You always say that,> replied Opaline.

<People keep doing it.>

"Well at the very least it sounds like you two understand the risks. So if your whole civilization destroys itself you're no longer tragic savages you're just idiotic barbarians. The story they'll tell about your people just turned into a comedy. Remember that."

"We're really going to leave?" asked Darcy.

"Well what are we going to do if they're just going to lie to us, stay here forever?" demanded Opaline.

Then she remembered to end the transmission.

* * *

That night, rather than ordering the mutual annihilation of their two civilizations, the Grand Ssphegebeb and the First Lethesseth Among Seethels got in touch via their secret line.

"It's ruined for me," said Shoosh. "Now it feels like if I order a nuclear strike the alien wins."

"Or maybe it wins if we don't order the strike," offered Thala.

"You heard it," said Shoosh, "if we do mutually annihilate each other the aliens are just going to be up there laughing at us. Laughing at us!"

"I'm starting to think that if technologically advanced aliens are going to take the time to cross the vast distances between the stars to come here and warn us about destroying ourselves it might be a greater risk than we originally calculated."

"You think the alien might have been telling the truth? The whole time?"

"I'm having difficulty coming up with a reason why it would get frustrated and just leave if that wasn't the case. What did the alien gain out of all that?"

Both Ssphlebeleboids were silent for a moment.

"Whatever we do we can't reveal to the public that the alien got its way. We must face save."

"Right. We'll keep constantly threatening one another with nuclear annihilation but just never actually go through with it."

"In the end that seems to be the most rational use of the technology."

* * *

<You tried your best,> signaled Cujo.

<I'm not beaten,> replied Opaline. <This was just my first idea. You can't expect to be great at something right away it takes practice. Eventually I'm going to get the hang of saving alien civilizations.>

<That's the spirit!>

They were walking through the pristine streets of Serendipity Square once more, most of the way home from the star port.

"Hello there Opaline," said a man Opaline didn't recognize.

"Oh," said Opaline, "hi. Have we met?"

"I don't believe so," said the man, "but we have a mutual friend. Appetite Centillion."

"Appetent," Opaline corrected him.

She really hoped this guy wasn't trying to pick her up. She wasn't in the mood.

"That's the fellow!" said the man. "It seems there is an exigent matter of some concern to friends of ours and our Ser Appetent thought you might be just the woman to help."