"You're— you're what—?" Juniper stood, stuck in place. Had Vivian just said what she she thought she'd just said? Vivian's shoulders heaved with huge, horrible, gut wrenching sobs. They wracked her entire body, choking on her own tears. Vivian couldn't catch her breath, crying so hard her chest rose and fell at an abnormally rapid pace. She was hyperventilating.

Juniper rushed to her side, wrapping her arms around the girls small frame. She squeezed her tightly, rocking back and forth on the edge of the bed. "It's okay— it's okay. Everything is going to be okay," she murmured over and over. She didn't know if she was reassuring herself or Vivian. Soothingly, "Breathe Vivian. just breathe."

Juniper held the girl she used to know like that for a long time  Listening to the raw pain of her sobs, and the helpless hitch in her breath when she gulped for air. She was a broken down doll, and Juniper had no idea how to put her back together again. She didn't even know if she could.

A shudder rolled through Vivian's body as she took a shaky inhale. Juniper released her carefully, letting Vivian compose herself. Her tears had all dried up, the last few lingering amongst her eyelashes. Her voice was hoarse when she finally spoke, "I suppose you want me to tell you how it happened. Seeing as you're still here."

Juniper did her best not to snap back at the barbed comment. She folded her hands neatly in her lap, "Vivian— "

"I know," Vivian said. "That wasn't fair. But my entire life's not fair, so." She lifted a passive shoulder, and Juniper found that she couldn't read her face for emotions. Juniper used to be able to tell what Vivian was thinking after one glance at her features. She couldn't anymore. Vivian's face was emblazoned with a question mark instead. Expression a blank mask.

"If you want to talk, talk," Juniper replied in a matter of fact tone. "If you don't want to, then fine. I think you should, but I can't force you." She waited. Waited for Vivian to say something. Anything. Or tell her to go. Would she listen if Vivian told her to go? Should she listen? Patient. Vivian need patience.

Vivian watched her for a moment. She inhaled, exhaled. What was she thinking? Juniper wished she knew what Vivian was thinking. "I'm one of the only Muggleborns our year," she began, then paused.

Juniper didn't say anything. She could have said something smart arse-y  to try to relieve the tension. Like "no shit", or "really?" or "I had no idea". But she didn't. She could at least sense that this was leading to the real story. Interrupting would get her nowhere. Her intuition proved correct, thankfully.

"It's hard," Vivian said, pressing her cracked lips together. "You never really feel like you fit in anywhere. Not in the wizarding world and not in the Muggle. It seemed amazing, at first. Magic. You feel special. You were chosen. Meant for something greater in life than stocking shelves at Tesco or cutting hair in a beauty parlor." Her examples were specific. Too specific to be unimportant. "And then you go to Hogwarts and you're starstruck. But then— then you have to go home in the summer. Go home to people who know nothing about Summoning Charms and floating pumpkins. And you have to adjust. You have to. And the second— the second you finally feel normal again, you go back to school, and you have to adjust all over again It's fucking whiplash. No one understands either, how it feels. How it feels to never have a place. Because you lose bits of yourself every time you adjust. You hide parts of what makes you you. Justin— " her voice broke on the name, "Justin stole more pieces of me than I could count. And I can never get them back."

"Justin," Juniper repeated. "Justin so then he's— ?"

She nodded. "The father," Vivian confirmed. "Yeah, Justin is the father." Her mouth curved regretfully, pupils dark. She scoffed, "Justin, Justin, Justin. Justin Edwards. You've seen him before, actually."  She gnawed on the inside of her cheek. "That party over holiday. It was at his house. I- I went for him. And I thought- I thought," she shook her head, nostrils flaring, "having you there would make it harder for me to go to him. Like he wanted. Having you there gave me an excuse not to talk to him. It didn't work. Nothing ever worked when it came to him. I could never— never stop giving. Not to him. He made it impossible for me to stop. And he could never stop taking."

Vivian's hands were trembling, smoothing the fabric of her pants and then bunching it up again. Smooth out. Bunch. Smooth out. Bunch. Juniper lay her own hand out on the swath of mattress between them, palm facing up. Vivian stared at her open hand for a moment, considering. But she didn't take it. "I've known Justin since I was ten years old. He was thirteen, and he stole cigarettes from the corner store and smoked them in the alley by our houses. He was cool and older, and I was lonely. I was always so lonely during the summer. He nicknamed me Vivi and offered me a smoke and it was all over." Vivian was lost in her memories, eyes somewhere faraway. "In the beginning it was good.  I felt— seen, and being seen made me blind. I spent every waking minute with him, or thinking about him. I was blind. So blind. He was controlling and possessive and toxic. He made me feel like trash so he could be the one to dig me out. He made fucking sure that I thought he was the only person who gave a damn about me. And I believed him. Because he was right. He was right. My parents barely even know I exist most days. My mum is doped on painkillers half the time, don't you remember fifth year when I had to leave? Yeah. My mum overdosed. My father stays at work so he doesn't have to deal with any of it. They don't care if I stay out all night at a party. They don't care if I run away. They don't care if I come home drunk or high because they don't care if I come home at all."

Juniper was stunned. All this time, she'd never known. She'd always envied Vivian for the freedom she had. No over bearing, nosy parents. Vivian had made it seem like she had an awesome, laidback life.

"And Louise— Louise hates me." Vivian blinked rapidly, "I lost my little sister a long time ago. She's only a year younger- we used to be so close. Until we found I was a witch. She thought it was weird- she never wanted to talk to me. Then I come back one summer from Hogwarts and she's wearing fishnets and Justin is calling her Little Lulu." She gripped the bedsheets, knuckles whitening, "I was just trying to protect her- from him. He had me- but he didn't have to have her to. I wanted— she told me I was jealous. Jealous of her. She screamed at me. Screamed that I always had to have everything to myself, that I thought I was better than her. She's hardly spoken two sentences to me since." The story was tumbling out of her now, the floodgates had been opened. "I fought with Justin. I told him it was over. That was the first time he hit me."

Juniper almost gasped. How? How had this been going on for so long? How had she not known? She should've known.

Vivian took a deep breath, "He reminded me that without him I have no one, nothing. Without him, I am no one. I am nothing. Damaged goods, he would say. 'Lucky you have me, Vivi, no one else wants you.' So I stayed. I always went back to him. And I hated myself for doing things I didn't want to. For letting him do those things to me. For allowing him to treat me like dirt and making it okay. I still hate myself, because— in some sick, twisted way I can't stop loving him. And that's how he wanted it. I gave him everything he wanted. And now I'm paying the price."

"Does he—?"

"No," Vivian cut her off swiftly. "No one knows, and he won't know. If I can help it. I didn't know for sure until a month ago. I mean— there were signs, but I didn't know know."

Juniper's eyes unconsciously drifted down to the girl's abdomen, which was covered by a thick layer of baggy grey fleece. There was a baby in there. Vivian's gaze followed hers and she put a hand on her stomach, "I'm around three months by the way."

"Vivian you should have told us what was going on," she said softly. "You never talked about your family. I never knew— why didn't you ever talk to us about any of this Vivian?" She put a tentative hand on the girl's shoulder, but Vivian wrenched away, getting up from the bed. 

She stood, shaking her head back and forth. Her back was to Juniper. "How could I? How could I when— you don't— you can't understand. I had to suffer by myself, as usual. I'm used to it by now. I couldn't— I could never tell you. Don't you see, Juniper? Justin was right! He was always right. I was alone. You— "

Juniper was trying to be gentle. Vivian had obviously been struggling for a while, but she couldn't help but feel attacked by Vivian's words. Juniper gritted her teeth, "Why are you acting like this is my fault? That's unfair, Vivian, I didn't know. You can't blame me for— you didn't tell me! You decided I couldn't understand, you didn't even try to let me. Why wouldn't I understand? I've—"

"Why wouldn't you understand?" Vivian cried out in disbelief. "Why wouldn't you understand, Juniper?! Are you serious?"

Juniper hands clenched into fists, "Why, Vivian? Why wouldn't I— ?"

"Because you have the perfect family, Juniper!" Vivian spun around, cheeks red. Angry tears pooled in her eyes. "You have the perfect, stable, happy family." She sighed, expression suddenly wistful, "I met you on that train, and I knew I had to be friends with you. Because when I was with you- I could pretend that my life was perfect too. Even being near you— in the realm of the perfect was exhilarating."

Juniper opened her mouth to protest. Her life was far from perfect, but Vivian was still talking, voice filled with yearning and awe. "Your mum literally saves the world for her job. Your dad is the most famous wizard of his time. They kiss each other and say I love you and mean it. You have sisters and brothers and cousins who you can tease, bicker and make fun of your parents with. You have aunts and uncles and an entire network of people who care about you. Do you have any idea— I would kill for a support system like that. You have— everything. Everything I've ever wanted." The naked longing on Vivian's face was plain. She ran a hand through her matted hair, barking out a bitter chuckle, "I've always been so jealous of you, you know that? You have so much love in your life, Juniper. And I had so little. I hated you for it, a little bit, I think. Resented you every time you complained about your mum or how embarrassing your uncle was being. I hated Teddy too. Because he looked at you the way I wished someone would look at me." Her voice was spiteful now, green and grating. She paced the dorm, never looking directly into Juniper's eyes.

"I told you to forget about him, even though I knew he loved you so much he'd die for you. I told you to move on because I didn't want you to have him. I didn't want you to have one more thing I didn't. It wasn't fair. You shouldn't— it wasn't fair. I wanted you to suffer, that's how fucked up I am."

Her body was frozen, brain at a loss for words. What could she say? There was nothing to say. Only Vivian had something to say. She continued, "I remember how happy I was when you and Xavier were dating. Finally, finally, you were getting a taste of what my life was like. He was nowhere near as bad as Justin, but he wasn't perfect. He didn't look at you like Teddy, and you didn't love him like Teddy. I liked being the one to give you advice. I liked that you relied on me. And when you didn't— well it hurt like a knife in my back. That's why I was so angry when you and Teddy— and then Selene. I was horrible to you with Selene. I regret that now."

Juniper had been so ignorant. She never knew any of this. And Vivian was right. She was right about everything. Juniper would never know what it felt to grow up like that. To be treated like that. She would never know what it was to feel like she didn't matter. It was hard for her, being unable to relate to Vivian. To make her feel better. Evidently, it had been hard for Vivian too. And there was nothing she could say or do to fix it.

A sad sort of smile crossed Vivian's face, and for the first time, she made eye contact with Juniper. "You ever wonder why I called you J?"

She noted the use of called. Vivian and Juniper hadn't said each other's nicknames in a long while. Juniper shrugged, unsure of where this was going, "Because I called you V?"

"Well— yeah." Vivian explained, "But no. I started calling you J because I wanted a name for you that was just mine. The boys all called you Potter or Junie. Jade and Rory always called you Junie too, because they grew up around you. Apart of that group, like you. I wanted something that proved I was just as close as they were. It made me feel important." She sank back down on the bed beside Juniper, calmer now. She wasn't angry or sad or anything really. "Best friends. You used to be my ride or die."

Juniper answered with honesty, "You were mine." Were. They both knew it would never be the same. Too much had been said. Too much had happened. Their friendship was built on something that didn't exist anymore.

"And now?" Vivian asked quietly.

"It's different now," she replied.

"You have Rory now." And Vivian was right again. Rory was Juniper's best friend. Rory had been there for Juniper. Rory supported her. Rory loved her for her. Not for what she could get from her.

Juniper sighed a very large sigh. She couldn't disagree. "But that doesn't mean— you need friends Vivian. We're still your friends— you can hang out with—"

"Come on, Juniper," Vivian rolled her eyes. "You know Rory and I have never really gotten along. It was always me and you, and Jade and Rory. That was the only way it ever worked. Once Jade left— it was over. I was just surprised you picked— her and Jade were always so good. So on top of things. The opposite of us."

Juniper thought back to the countless times her and Vivian had gotten thrown in detention. Playing Quidditch with her while Jade and Rory opted to go to the library. When they went to parties and stayed up late and went skinny dipping in the Black Lake fourth year. They'd had fun. Reckless fun. Fun that cost them dearly at times.

"I still don't understand— she's so uptight. Remember, we used to make fun of her for it all the time. Like first year when she nearly had an aneurysm over a stupid Potions assignment because James—"

Juniper suddenly felt very defensive of Rory. She did remember making fun of Rory with Vivian, and she hated that she did. She loved Rory more than herself and she didn't like how Vivian was talking about her. "Don't— she's not. She's changed. I've changed. We've changed each other. For the better. I grew up, Vivian. We all did."

"I know," Vivian said, and she was smiling. She wasn't searching for a fight. "Sometimes I just wish—"

Juniper patted her lightly on the hand, "I know." She closed her eyes, "Me too."

"I'm glad you and Rory found each other," Vivian told her, tucking a curl behind her ear. "I am. She fits. Fits with the guys too. I never did. I pretended to. But I never really did. I miss her sometimes, Rory. Even that annoying little thing she does when her voice gets more and more shrill when she's reprimanding someone. Like a fire alarm," she laughed, viewing Juniper expectantly.

Juniper managed a small smile. It didn't feel right to tease Rory with Vivian anymore. She didn't want to. Vivian's own smile slipped a little, face falling ever so slightly when Juniper didn't join in. It was followed by acceptance. They would never be like they were before, but they would always be friends. And that would have to be enough. "Don't lose yourself anymore, Vivian. Can you promise me that? Be who you are. Come back to Quidditch," she pleaded, "we need you. You need Quidditch. You love Quidditch."

"You love Quidditch, Juniper."

"So do you!" Juniper exclaimed, not giving up. "I've seen your face when you hit a bludger."

Vivian swallowed, as if she was trying to forget about that feeling. She sniped, "I would've thought you liked your friends who didn't enjoy Quidditch more."

"Vivian," Juniper warned resignedly. She was after Rory again. "That's not fair, and you know it."

"Well I'm all alone. That's not fair," Vivian stated pityingly. "Except for— it," she tapped her stomach.

"I'm still here, aren't I?" Juniper was not going to just let Vivian feel sorry for herself.

"You're still here."

"We're going to figure this out together, okay?"

"Okay," Vivian whispered. "Okay."

dialogue heavy

angst heavy

hard to write ngl

this was a tough chapter guys and i hope y'all are feeling okay

talk ——————————————————————>

i love you all so much thank you for inspiring me to write :)

xxx,

coco