Humanized AU

TW: Suicide

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With bloodshot eyes, Marshall looked at himself in the mirror as he took in a shaky breath. This is it, it's now or never.

A few hours ago, there was a party at the Lookout that ended late, which prompted everyone to sleep there instead of going home. It wasn't part of his plan, far from it, in fact, but he could still be successful if he's careful enough.

His eyes grazed over the bottle on his bedside table. He didn't want to do this, but in his head, he thinks it's the only way.

And so he took the bottle of pills and counted.

One, two, three, four, five.

They'll be better off without him, and he couldn't afford to survive.

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Tears pricked in his eyes as his hands started to shake.

Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

Is this enough? He needs more just to make sure.

Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty.

Twenty pills. Marshall stared dubiously at them, wondering how on earth he's going to drink them.

He snorted humorlessly. Of course he has to drink them in batches.

Five pills. He almost gagged the pills back out before he gulped down some water. It was almost funny in a way.

Footsteps echoed in the halls and he froze. One wrong movement and his plans would be foiled.

Step, step, step.

Two sets of feet passed through his door and Marshall held his breath. He heard soft giggling that sounded painfully like his girlfriend's, followed by a groan that sounded too much like his best friend's.

Marshall looked down as he felt something wet fall down on his hand.

Don't cry, they're going to need each other.

He choked back a sob that he quickly muffled with his other hand, partially relieved when he heard their footsteps fading out.

It's now or never.

There was no hesitancy anymore. He didn't even stop to think. He just drank and swallowed, and before he knew it, the pills on his hands were gone.

He knew from experience that the pills would take time to work, but he doesn't want to be awake for that.

And so, with a mental goodbye, he went to sleep.

-----

Dear friends,

Hey, it's your local coffee dealer. You may know me as Medic, Frozen Medic, Coffee Medic, High Marshie, Marsh, Marshie, Marshmallow, and many others, but most especially, Marshall.

I am writing this letter because I want you guys to know that ever since I met you guys, you have become a part of my life to the point that I would proudly call you my family.

The last few months have been tough for all of us, and I wasn't an exception to that. However, we've had our share of ups and downs, and I would truly cherish it as long as I live. All those crazy moments, the serious ones, the happy ones, and of course, the wholesome ones.

At this point, I'm just putting all of my thoughts here, so forgive me if this would sound confusing. I'd recommend that you read it again and again so you can understand what I'm trying to say.

Well long story short, I'm here to say goodbye.

At this point, nothing can change my mind. I've decided. A few weeks ago, I decided the same, but I made the mistake of reaching out before I did. Not anymore.

Now before I go, I want to give some special words to a few chosen people.

To everyone in general: Thank you for all the wonderful moments that we had. The chaos, the wholesome moments, the jokes, the singing, the pickup lines, the insanity, EVERYTHING. You guys are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Shame that I won't last long enough to see you grow. I love you guys. We are a family and never ever forget that.

Shit, I promised myself I wouldn't cry while making this letter oh fuck. Anyway...

To Katie: I still haven't forgiven you for raiding my stash of coffee- jkjk. You can have all of them if you want, I have more in my refrigerator. Anyway, thanks for the coffee thing. It's repetitive, but I love those moments nonetheless. Continue working on your projects cause I honestly adore them, and continue inspiring other people to keep on learning. And for god's sake, if Ryder doesn't make a move, do it.

To Rex: Hey dude. I really admire you for staying strong despite everything that happened to you. If it were me, I would have given up long ago. Please continue inspiring other people. I know I'm going to hell after what I'm about to do, and I don't want anyone else to follow my path. You're a great guy, Rex. You're like an angel in disguise.

To Skye: We haven't known each other for long, but I've known you long enough to say that you're a good person. You're a fun-loving person with great drawing skills. Of course, I won't fail to mention that you're basically everyone's mother. From what I could see, you're really mature and won't hesitate to reprimand someone if they make mistakes. Keep on doing your best, Skye.

To Rubble: It frustrates me that despite everything, I still don't know you that much. But still, I want you to keep on fighting. These people, they're here for you. They love you. Suffering doesn't last forever unless you want it to. Someday, they'll get to meet the Rubble that I've failed to do so. Our friends are right behind you, amongst other people.

To Ryder: The person I used to look up to. The person I used to have "go to sleep" debates with. The person who stayed strong despite all the shit in his life. Ryder. Don't ever feel that we've abandoned you, cause we haven't. Take your time. Step back. Relax. Think. Whatever you're going through, you'll have people behind you. You are not alone. Never was, never will. Thank you for creating this group that's been home for a lot of people, including me. I know there's been a lot of drama, but what kind of family doesn't? You've been an inspiration to many despite what you might think. Keep on moving forward, Ryder. Good luck, and be happy with Katie, will you? You two deserve each other.

To Rocky: Thanks for always checking up on me. For making sure I was okay despite being stressed yourself. I wish you the best of luck in school, and I hope that you'll be able to achieve your dreams. You're doing a great job already, Rocky. Just remember to step back and breathe when things become too much.

To Zuma: Stop being dead, bitch. Jkjk. But seriously, despite everything, you're a great friend. Really. Now that I won't be able to do it, protect Chase for me, will ya? But don't stop cursing each other and telling each other to shut up cause it's honestly very entertaining. I'll miss your late ass and your roasts, you know. Continue having fun while you still can, cause that's the luxury not many can afford.

To Tracker: Can someone send this to Tracker? Anyway, hey Tracky. I'm telling you this once and only once. Don't EVER follow the same path as I did. I know life is hard, believe me cause I've been there. It makes you want to give up. But don't ever do it. Stay strong for me, will ya? I'll see you on the other side, but not too soon or I'll personally come back to haunt you.

To Chase: The brother I never had. I don't know what to say except thank you for everything that you've done. For making me feel normal, something that I've almost never felt. Thanks for sticking up with me despite my confusion and insanity and putting through all my craziness. Love you bro, no homo.

To Everest: God, I have no idea what to say to you. All this time of promising you that I'll always be here for you, who would have thought that I would just end up breaking that promise? I'm sorry, Ev. I really am. But this is for the benefit of my family. I've been more than enough of a burden for them. In fact, my mom doesn't trust me anymore, and my dad refuses to acknowledge my existence. But please know that I've tried, I really did. I've tried to hold on, I've tried to be strong. For those who need me. But I can't. I'm weak. I wasn't strong enough to protect you. Everest... I love you. I really do. You can ask Chase, he knows how crazy I am over you. I'm sorry that I'm gonna leave you. I'm sorry that I'm gonna break my promise. I'm sorry that I'll end up hurting you. But please, love, hold on. Maybe I wasn't meant for you. But someone out there is. Find him or her, and love him/her more than you've ever loved me. My family gave up on me, it's time that I gave up on them. I love you, and I'm sorry but I have to do this.

Before I end this letter, I just want to share with you one last original quote. Life is a tough contest. Sometimes, it's so tough that it makes you want to give up. But those who win are those who survive until the very end. Those who never gave up no matter what. They are the strongest ones, the toughest of the tough ones.

And of course, I'm one of the losers. I'm not a hero. Never was, never will. I was just happy enough to help other people. That's it.

To whoever's reading this letter, my final wish is for you to be happy. Enjoy life despite everything. Love you guys.

Signing out for the last time,

Marshall.

P.S. Thank you to those who are patient enough to read up until this message. For those who didn't understand my vague words, I'm going to say it bluntly. I'm going to kill myself and you won't be able to stop me.

—

Marshall woke up with a start, stifling a groan as a wave of dizziness and nausea went through him. He fought off the urge to gag as he forced himself to move on his side, panting as he did so.

Why does suicide have to be so bloody hard to go through? Isn't his life painful enough? Is wishing for a painless death too much?

He felt so tired, but he knew that the moment he falls asleep, he won't wake up anymore. And despite the suicide note he wrote, there's still a lot of things left unsaid.

He thought of Everest. He thought about the future he would have with her if he survived.

But he won't. He made sure of that.

He could hear his heart beating so loud, beating against his ears.

His face felt so hot.

He can't even feel his feet anymore.

And it's like something's been pressing hard on his chest — he can't breathe easily.

Need water. Thirsty.

With great effort and trembling arms, he managed to prop himself up in a sitting position, stopping for a bit as his vision swam.

I'm shaking so bad. Why does this have to be so hard?

He used the wall to guide him to where he left the bottle of water. With how much his knees are trembling, he can't trust himself to walk properly.

He sank down slowly on the floor, drinking the water like his life depended on it. Still, he felt parched and worse than ever.

Tears sprung in his eyes. I deserve this. I deserve this final bit of pain.

Marshall closed his eyes as the tears started to flow freely and silently on his face.

I'm sorry. Whoever's up there, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't been enough, I'm sorry I have failed, I'm sorry I couldn't do anything. I'm sorry I'm a failure.

I'm sorry because I'm too weak to fight.

Just please, please give them happiness. I willingly give up my life just to give them happiness.

Everest... I hope you find someone else. Someone to spend the rest of your life with. I wanted it to be me, you know. But I won't even make it till sunrise.

I wish I'd go to heaven so I can watch over you guys, but that's just not possible. Suicide is the worst kind you can ever do to yourself. I will go to hell. Just hope I don't see any of you there.

Marshall felt himself slumping heavily against the wall now. He didn't know how much time had passed. He took a few shuddering breaths and opened his eyes, staring at the window. It was still dark out. He could feel the coldness of the room, making him shiver.

This is it. He's going to die. Alone. Like always.

In a way, he's glad about it. Makes parting easier.

But I just wish...

He slowly closed his eyes.

That someone would tell me...

His breaths started to slow down.

That I didn't have to do this.

And he knew no more.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Song title: death bed (coffee for your head) by Powfu ft. beabadoobee

TRIGGER WARNING: THE REAL STORY BEHIND THIS ONESHOT

I'm going to confess something to you guys. This story is based on real life. On April 12, 2021, I tried to commit suicide through overdose. Only my friends online knew about it, they're the only ones I said goodbye to. My mom found out a couple of days later when I'm mostly recovered from it.

I never went to the hospital, nor was I able to see a professional about it. Almost my entire family knows but no one made a move about it. Even until now, almost a year later, there's nothing.

I won't lie, I want to die a lot of times after that. Almost everyday, I've been thinking about it. A couple of times, I made plans to do it. And once, I almost did it.

My reason for attempting to commit suicide almost a year ago is because I failed a subject. I know it's pretty petty, but hear me out. 

All my life, I've been living on expectations. Pressured to do my absolute best. Been a consistent honor student since I started school. Never had a failed grade until that very moment.

My parents are strict. Very strict, in fact. The entire day, I was called a disappointment nonstop. I've been grounded for everything, from TV to phone to pc to my sketchpads and coloring books. Nothing but school. I was in a dark place. I felt trapped. I don't have a good relationship with anyone irl. The only people I can talk my feelings out to are my online friends.

And they were removing that for me for at least one month.

I failed. I was a disappointment. I kept doing shit wrong. And in my mind, there was no hope of redeeming myself. 

And so I decided to kill myself.

Eight pills was what happened. They were pretty strong antibiotics. Some of my online friends tried to stop me but I made up my mind.

9:35 pm. I drank eight pills. And then I went to sleep.

I don't remember what time I woke up, but when I did, my mom was deep asleep. She went to drink alcohol before she went to sleep so I was confident that she won't wake.

I took my phone, and I talked to people.

It was hard. The feelings Marshall experienced were pretty much it. Your hands are shaking. Your face is numb and hot. It's hard to breathe. It's like someone's pressing on your chest. Your legs are pretty much dying. You can't feel them. Your body in general feels heavy. You can't understand shit. You can't think straight. Your eyes are unfocused despite your best efforts. Everything is blurry. If you try to stand up or sit, it was hell and it feels like you're gonna pass out anytime. Drink water and your hands are shaking so bad to the point that you can't even hold it properly.

They kept asking me to wake my mom up but I was a coward. I'm still a coward. I need help so bad but I never asked.

I went to sleep again at 5 am, and I need to wake up at 6. Doing chores is hell. My knees are shaking and moving makes you nauseous. Every step makes you dizzy. And you gotta pretend nothing happened.

It was around 2 pm when I can barely lift my head up and I asked if I could sleep and I did.

It was 2 days later that my mom found out. I was numb to everything. She confiscated my phone and backread through my messages. It was the day after when she confronted me. She was crying. She said she doesn't want me dead. But I'm doing this for her. Maybe I'm half selfish. Maybe I'm half selfless. I don't want to suffer anymore and at the same time I don't want to burden them anymore.

Maybe the worst of it was talking to my bf, from the night I overdosed up until now whenever it's brought up. We're both traumatized by it. 

If I'm being honest, I don't know if I regretted doing it. Maybe I did because nothing really happened. Except traumatize my bf. And me. And the fact that I lost my mom's trust. I heard conversations between my mom and her sister about me seeing a therapist but it never happened. 

The main reason I did this story is to let go of that incident but I doubt it will happen so easily. Another reason is to open your minds about it. And a small part is to discourage you. People love you no matter how hard it is. Even when you think you've lost everyone and everything, you'll still have someone. 

TW OVER

But I guess it would be a good story to end my writing career. Yes, I'm giving up on writing. I don't have the motivation to do it anymore, nor the time. Maybe someday, I'll come back. But for now, this is the end.

Goodbye, everyone. I'm still accessible on Discord and Instagram if you guys want to talk. Hell, you guys can DM me here, or just comment in any of my stories.

Thanks for everything, for being a part of this journey.

Signing out for the last time, 
Glace