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16th February

12.10 AM

The breezes welcome me as they play with my damped hairs, I sat in my old bedroom with my laptop checking all those latest reports.

There's no such feeling of homecoming, that was long gone years back when I was in my last semester of graduation. Now it's just for Maa and this time I want to convince her.

I sigh as I feel her sitting near the end of my bed. Her longing eyes speak a lot but now I don't have it to hear those.

"You came after so long, I missed you so much"

"I know you did. That's why I asked you to take a transfer Maa"

"Only a few years are left, then I will retire, I want to spend it here only" I smiled shaking my head, there's no way I am convincing her before that.

All my life I have admired women like Maa, she is fifty-six, still passionate about her job, passionate to serve mankind. People often tell me I am like her, passionate about my work.

But I know, I am better than that. I have it in me to chose myself before anyone else, she never did.

"You are happy right?" She asked out of nowhere taking me by surprise. Maa and Reyansh have a bond like that of a mother and son. I was happy with that.

"I am, Maa. What makes you think otherwise." I asked with a raised brow.

"Reyansh is good to you right?"

"Maa he is just perfect for me. Stop worrying." I smiled.

I get it where she is coming from. All her life she had put this facade of being a happy family, a happy marriage, maybe her definition of happiness is different than mine.

For me her marriage is anything but happy, she chose the wrong person for herself and she stayed in that marriage for all wrong reasons too, but then again I am no one to judge her on that. About family, I had a family with broken trust and home is just another baggage I had to carry all my life.

Her silence started to worry me as I look at her lost self. Her eyes with a few lines of wrinkles around them, I asked her slowly,

"Maa what it is?"

"Why did you say yes to this marriage" She took me off-guard all of a sudden.

It was her who pleaded, blackmailed even threatened to get me married and now after all these years she is asking me this, I laughed at this.

"As if you guys left me with some other choice, your husband forced me to get married and honestly with all that stuffs going on that time, I couldn't make myself fight anymore, I had it enough Maa and why are we discussing this now, I am married for two years now."

"You never wanted to marry Reyansh?" An amusement fills my eyes as I watch her furrow her brows.

"What? No. Of course, I did. We did plan to get married anyhow Maa, it's just not that time, we needed some time to settle down, well I needed that."

"For?"

"For everything Maa. I just got the job, we just moved in together. Then suddenly you called me up and told me about Baba being not well, I just wanted to settle things up a bit. It's not like we were not serious, Ansh always wanted this to happen. And Maa, honestly that time he was the one keeping me sane."

It was true, I and Reyansh just wanted to have a live-in for a few years, I wanted that at least. Then my fathers' health deteriorates and he wished or more like forced me to get married.

When he left us a year ago, I don't know what I feel. Of course, I cried but then again I couldn't make myself forgive him. He was the reason I never had any trust in marriages, the reason I couldn't trust anyone. I had a stained kind of relationship with him. He was never biased towards me, got me things everything but maybe what he failed to give me is respect and the home I sought.

And when he decided to give that, I couldn't accept it, he was late, way too late. But now is not a time to complain about that. He did leave quite a lot of savings of which I don't have any idea what to do with but still it's there.

"Ohh. I thought... Nothing. It's good this way too. You were twenty-six when you got married that's a perfect age and..."

"What you thought Maa?"

"I went to the mall last week.

"I hope you took the driver" She nodded but then she didn't say anything, her silence is not the answer I am looking for.

"Maa please can you just let it out now"

"I met Simran there, in the mall."
Simran. A sad smile appears on my face. The girl with amber eyes curly hairs with a petite figure came to my eyes, the girl who used to be my best friend once. The one who ruined that word for me.

"Oh."

"You are in touch with her?" A question I ask myself quite often.

"Nahi, ab baat nahi hoti." I smiled sadly.
Pain is quite evident in my voice and I didn't bother to conceal it anymore. I lost my friend and I am upset about it.

"She was there with her husband." I gulped as I looked at her, she passed me a look which I don't want to deceive.

"Oh"

"You know, it was not like that I was against you having a boyfriend back then. It was just he was not from caste and then..." I cut her off.

"It ended back almost a decade ago Maa. I was eighteen barely an adult, and why are we talking about it now.

"Because it's been a decade I saw you that way."

"What way?"

Silence engulfs us, and I looked at her eyes, they spoke those words she couldn't

That way, happy, crazily in love, carefree. I sighed.

"I should have said yes to you back then."

I smiled shaking my head in denial, gulping the lump forming in my throat.

"No, you shouldn't. He was not the right one Maa."

"He was just like your Baba." She sighed.

"Exactly, why he was not the right one Maa." Sad smiles. Silence stays in between for a few more minutes then she left for her room. For once I know she wants to sleep with me tonight, but I don't.

2.30 AM

The moon hides behind the clouds and keeps peeping back at me to check if I'm still staring at it. A gust of wind circles me whispering sweet nothings into my ears.

The soft breezes play with the window curtains as I witness the mists covering the lake in front of our house. The bougainvilleas has bloomed and now lies covering the tiles. The green lawn is not in view in the dark night but the flies shimmers as the crickets fill the surrounds.

I sit on the railings dangling my legs with a cup of tea and Prateek Kuhaad playing on my Spotify and I hum along,

Haan, main gumsum hoon, In raahon ki tarah.

The tragedy of first love is, it happens selfless, childlessness and ended with a scar. We were kids when we fall in love. The chai reminds me of the time I used to hate it, then life happened.

Kyun ye afsaane In lamho me kho gaye Hum ghaayal thhe In lafzon me kho gaye
The hum anjaane
Ab dil mei tum ho chhupi
Hum hai seher ki parchhaiyan

As I sit on my balcony railings looking at the end of my alley, a faint memory of a boy with a charming smile, tanned skin, black gel set hairs with charcoal black eyes leaning towards his bike, standing there came up. He used to wait there, for hours just for my one glance. I sighed. Teenage love, oh what idiots we used to be back.

I haven't seen you that way.

Maa's words ring back somewhere in my mind. That way.

No one had ever seen me that way, no one. Sometimes I wonder what I miss more, those carefree days, or myself? Maybe the later, maybe both.

Those were good days, even if they last for very little time. I sighed, telling myself not to think about it, not to feel it. It's easy that way, not to feel anything.

I didn't cry, not a bit I didn't feel anything at all just.

A few hours later, near the twilight, I send Reyansh a text.

I went for a drive next, I took the same road to the highway, the same street that heads to school, that crosses the alley of his home.

For a second, breath rebelled at my throat, orbs bleared, limbs went numb, but I kept on driving.

What it has been? A decade right, conceivably eons I have taken a trace down that lane. And while I pass by school gates my mind stretches back to the day I first met him.

He was in that stupid school uniform, the one who complimented me for my sassy attitude. I still remember the day, we were standing outside the auditorium for drama auditions, he was my senior being quite rude to everyone, and I hated him at that moment.

I headed the whole committee that year and he was the worst to handle. A year and a moon later, he proposed me. And I declined. How long did that process persist? Yeah, I recollect, six moons. I blew six months there.

From there things changed, from sneaking to chemistry labs, to holding hands under the library, from drama classes to debate clubs, from his farewell to mine, our relationship changed, we changed.

I fell hard. Just like the last leaf of an autumn tree. And with that, I lost myself in his love too.

He was just a façade of love and happiness, an illusion. I fell for a mirage perhaps, that too on a sweltering April afternoon.

He was toxic perhaps I am way too drunk in his love. What love does to us? It kills us. My love killed me. It took me years to come out of my insanity.

And then I left. I fled not even for once looking back, and he knew that those who left silently will never come back. He loved me too, and he knew I loved him more.

But we were like those idiots who keeps the foot on two different boats, with different destinations.

For a while, my heart screams as the trees danced crazily with the trees, an affair worth a watch, as my heart pleads not to think about those memories. Those are long gone.

A decade and an eternity. Those memories are long gone, faded, buried behind a veil of reality unravelling the amour from the instant.

Then my heart permits, as the clouds clapped, whispering lowly, the end has given the misery, alas memories are nevertheless beloved.

I remember how he proposed to me with that letter, which he tore in later years. I remember how he became my world, then left me all of a sudden. I remember how I begged him to stay, yet he decides to leave. I remember his coming back, his betrayals, his words that pierced through my heart killing me a thousand more times.

Then I left him, finally. It was suffocating.

And somewhere between all his ego, all my unsaid words, all our differences, love had died a long back. So it ended, without a note.

By this time, I reached the Kolaghat highway.

Clouds were thundering, breezes were high. And I got my masala chai, sitting on the hood of my car.

A sad smile came again.

I stopped for a few seconds. Nothing changed much over the years.

The same aroma of chai, same friends group

And few couples madly in love only difference is it's not the US this time. Little things matters. Like knowing the chai I love. Like I knew his taste of coffee without sugar and cream. Maybe that's why I left I was too sweet for him like my chai, perhaps he was too bitter like his coffee.

A sudden call brings me back from my thoughts, I smiled as I slide the green button.

"I shouldn't have let you go, woman. I swear you will be the end of me." I laughed at this.

"I am fine Ansh. I needed some air so I came out for a drive."

"Yes of course. You got out for a drive in the middle of a night that too all alone, what the hell were you thinking. I am miles away from you and..." he screamed.

"Ansh..." I smiled.

"What?"

"I love you, Baby." And I know will always love him.

For I know my first love was my biggest mistake.

Qki mai janti thi meri pehli mohabbat muqammal nahi thi.

So that's it.

I would love to hear from you guys, do let me know about your theories.