our first meeting was coincidental. a mere clash of paths. . .and yet, that's how everything began.

it was strange how life worked, how one step into someone else's life and you'd end up tangled in their web. how one step and everything would change, your beliefs, your thoughts, the way you look at life. . .

lalisa manoban was an internationally famous model, known for her stunning visuals and charming smile; a girl who came from nothing, but now had everything and a kind soul, who did all kinds of charity work while i. . .i was a no one. we were different. we led two completely different lives and yet, the waves of fate brought us together.

"come on, sweets, let's leave."

lisa was the one to break the silence, taking a hold of my hand and leading me out of the room. she didn't say anything, but i could tell by her eyes that she was deep in thought. i chose to stay silent and followed after her. a part of me felt relieved to have left the interview room, because i finally felt like i could breathe properly.  chaemin had been picking at me since the very beginning of the interview and the tension in the room was getting too much for me.

"are you okay?" i heard her ask once we stepped out of the entertainment building. the sun was shining in the sky and the clouds were slowly sailing across it. the heat from the sun fell on my face as soon as i stepped out, making me feel a bit dizzy.

"i'm okay, i guess," i mumbled in response, turning to look at her. she was facing the sun with her hands clasped behind her back. her skin was glowing and her eyes were closed, a small smile resting on her lips. "thank you. . .for stepping in."

her eyes slowly opened, turning a more vibrant blue before they met mine. "don't mention it. chaemin likes to think as if she knows what's best for the company, when in reality, all she does is screw up continuously. the ceo only keeps her around, because he feels sorry for her, since she has nowhere else to turn to." she let out a soft chuckle, crossing her arms over her chest while a soft breeze blew through her jet black hair. "you know, don't take what she said to you at heart. she's just very dissatisfied with her life and often ends up taking it on others-"

a strong wave of dizziness hit me, causing my whole body to go limp. it was as if i no longer had control of my limbs and i ended up losing my balance and dropping to the ground. i felt exhausted and the world around me was slowly fading. i could see, but the sky above my head was spinning, darkness crawling from the edges of my eyes and tainting its clear blue color. i could hear, but there were just random noises, swirling in the chaos of my mind. i could feel my heart race at a slower pace than usual, yet my chest felt hollow. i could faintly see lisa's worried eyes staring back at me, but i couldn't make out what she was saying. the world around me was getting farther and farther away and for a moment, i thought i died. everything faded and all i saw was black. . .

when i awoke, all i saw was white. my head ached horribly, my stomach hurt as if it was eating itself and my whole body ached. i've never felt this horribly in my whole life. it was as if i was a thin line of thread, fragile and easily rippable. i guess these were the side effects of starving myself for the whole week and in a way, it was my own fault for doing this to myself. i should have known better, but the results were outstanding. i had never looked skinnier and i was happy with the image that greeted me on the other side of the mirror. but was it really worth it? i looked amazing, but my health did not.

"you're awake." lisa's voice made me snap out of my thoughts and my eyes slowly traveled to my left from where i heard her voice. she had been sitting in front of a vanity, touching up on her make up while waiting for me to wake up. judging from the simple interior of the room, the many vanities and make up, along with the different racks of clothing, i could only assume this was where the idols changed their clothes and got their make up done. it was a spacious room, but all of the equipment inside it made it feel quite stuffed.

"how are you feeling?" she asked, meeting my gaze from the mirror in front of her.

"horrible." i mumbled in response, trying to sit up, but my muscles wouldn't obey. they were completely limp as if i had no control over them.

the beauty in front of me turned around, now facing me. she looked at me for a few moments, not saying anything. "have you eaten?"

i chewed on my lower lip in response, shaking my head. "no, not really. . ."

"starving yourself, huh?"

i didn't answer, deciding to look up at the ceiling instead. my headache had gotten worse by now, while my stomach growled, signalling it needed food. i don't even know how it made it through a week of not eating. starving clearly took a toll to my body and caused me to faint out of nowhere. i felt weak, very weak.

"you're not allergic to anything, are you?"

i silently shook my head. i didn't have any energy in me to respond to her questions, even nodding or shaking my head had turned painful.

the young model stood up and started walking around the room, moving things around. i couldn't see what she was up to, so i decided to stare back at the ceiling once again, since i didn't know what else to do. i couldn't move, since my muscles had completely given up. i couldn't speak, since opening my mouth had become a struggle and i couldn't focus on anything else, since i felt too tired. how did it come to this? living with an eating disorder had never been this hard throughout my teenage years. or maybe it had. but what i was doing now as a young adult, was pure torture. i knew i was slowly destroying myself, by starving, by eating less and less, by counting every calorie i put in my body, by exercising excessively and by puking the food i ate, but i still acted like i was fine, when deep inside i knew i wasn't. i was too focused on the woman in the mirror. the one that looked back at me every day when i stood in front of a mirror. i wanted that woman to feel happy with herself. i wanted her to look satisfied. i wanted her to feel like she was enough. but the woman in the mirror wasn't, and i wasn't either. ever since i began living on my own, my mental health had been spiraling, an obsession of looking perfect blooming within me. deep inside of me, i knew i needed help. i knew  i wasn't mentally stable whenever i looked at myself in the mirror and never felt satisfied with the image that stared back at me. i knew i wasn't okay, when i kept starving myself and exercising like crazy, despite seeing how pale my skin was, how bones were protruding on every part of my body, how i could see my ribs so clearly to the point i could easily count them one by one, how i cried myself to sleep every night. . .i knew i was a mess, but i didn't want to accept it. i told myself i had it under control, but it was all a lie, because i truly didn't.

lisa walked towards me and the smell of ramyun filled my nostrils. my mouth immediately began to salivate while my stomach growled like a hungry beast that needed to be tamed. i was so hungry, to the point that it hurt and i wanted to cry. everything in me ached, both on the inside and on the outside and i felt miserable. and as lisa slowly helped me sit up and sat beside me, slowly feeding the ramyun to me, the insatiable pain within me, slowly started to shrink.