dumplingbabe Your story is off to a great start and you have a lot of the right elements. I think what you need is balance. Balancing your character's extreme energies with the solemness of the novel you depict in the title, cover, summary, and even tags of your story. I imagine much will change as you progress, but I think building these elements up, in the beginning, will give you a good foundation to making the transition from comedic and funny to sad and romantic (which is the vibe I had of your work before reading it).

Want an in-depth analysis? Check out my review below!

Blurb: The blurb is split into two parts, describing two different characters. I think it gave me the impression that the story would then have two different points of view, so the fact that it doesn't was surprising to me at first.

Plot/Concept: Your story started off very strong with an intense inciting incident, but so far it is missing any little events or hiccups that force the characters together or along their own path. There's no message of what Lana plans to do, other than work as a receptionist, or how she is feeling during all of this. There's no mention of Eli and his cancer. No doctors, no university incidents, etc. I think since the plot relies so heavily on your characters interacting, they need more things to interact with other than each other. If they only interact with each other, I feel that they aren't growing enough, especially since they have so far not expressed any real feelings towards one another except for when they were at the bakery.

Another thing I commented on is how your beginning chapters are very sad, but then everything is very comedic despite the sad story that the detail page of When Tomorrow Dies depicts. I think you need to balance the high comedic energy with some real life situations such as Lana paying off her debt, Eli dealing with his cancer or being confronted about his family regarding why he won't return home, the hospital staff getting on both of them for being inappropriate in a setting with other (older) patients and visiting families. Stuff like that to bring them back to real life, which would also give a great juxtaposition to their happy relationship with one another. It would give them something to reflect on-- why they're so happy around each other and why they haven't left yet despite their freedom to.

Pacing: For the same reasons as what I said above, the plot itself is moving very slow. The characters aren't evolving, nothing in their lives is really changing other than time. Still, the story is also moving super fast since it is mostly based on dialogue. I think because of this, it keeps readers engaged but may fail to give them the plot that they're looking for.

Character Development: You have given Lana a very tragic backstory, but you don't develop it as much as you could. If you did research on what it's like to be in foster care, you could give her tidbits to share with Eli or think of as she's going throughout her life. She's a writer, but we have yet to see her writing. Most of her scenes she isn't even concerned with herself-- she's concerned with Eli. I think their relationship is nice, but you're not focusing enough on developing your characters to make them whole apart from one another.

I make a note that Lana is the "annoyed" character and Eli is the "annoying" one, and this follows through the entire story so far. By giving them real life things to worry about or tend to, you force them to show other sides of their personality and show how complex they can be. I think having them interact with people other than just each other AND away from each other is a good first step to doing this.

Writing Style: Your writing style is very heavily reliant on dialogue, which is not a bad thing, but it skips past all of the setting and scenery, all of the physical cues that the two characters are growing closer to one another. I think expanding to areas beyond dialogue would really elevate your writing. Inner thoughts are also something I often found myself missing out on. I want to see more of your characters, both Lana and Eli, interacting with themselves rather than each other. It gives a nice separation and allows readers to get to know them before and after they knew each other.

TOAST LEVEL:

Overall, due to the fun characters but vague or yet to be explored plot, I'm giving When Tomorrow Dies a rating of Crispy.

For the author: If you would like the notes I took for your review (chapter notes, grading), please DM me.