I'm in church
the pastor speaks of a teen, a girl

I'm in church
people raise their hands, giving their all

I'm in church
we pray, hand in hand

I'm in church
and while they feel washed free
I'm washed with pain
I'm washed in grief
I'm washed in the urge to do what I know I shouldn't do

I desperately try to focus on the sermon
but pressure builds
my veins pulse in my wrist
its getting too much to bare

I glance down at my arm
disassociated vision seeing vivid dark scenes
I see pain, pain, pain

and then my eyes catch
on a reminder
a word
written over a scar
"always"
the last thing we said to each other
"always"
we will always stay safe
we will always love each other
I will always wait

always
always
always
repeating the word over and over in my fuzzy, fuzzy mind, I fight the urge and overcome it
always
always
always

the pastor dismisses us and I glance around, disoriented, trying to remember what the sermon was about but only bringing up a small memory that the girl was 16 and always.

no matter what,
always