Playlist  - Lotus Inn by Why Don't We

Luna 

The beautiful morning greets me, and I feel nothing. I had allowed myself to be this vulnerable, and here I am: paying for it. 

I wallowed in self-pity all day yesterday, choosing to stay in bed, missing out on school and avoiding attention at all cost. It was a miracle that aunt Lucille wasn't at home to poke her head around my door to check on me, God forbid, force me to provide an explanation of my sudden pity-party.

I’ve never feigned illness to skip school or even forge my aunt's signature on the sick note. Heartbreak can do that to you. 

I cringe at fresh memories from the night when everything went downhill with that stupid Ares. If I could kill him right now then I would, but I love him too so I want to kill these flaring emotions inside me. 

My phone hasn't been beeped or rang a single time in the past two days. No one from school bothered to check up on me, they didn't even send me a dm on instagram to ask me of my whereabouts. It kind of stings to know that I am so much of an insignificance in the eyes of my ‘friends.’ 

This excludes my aunt. She called me five times and I cut off any lengthy conversation. I could tell she was starting to suspect something was wrong with me. 

I was in no mood to go back to school and face that goddamn heartless piece of shit. I wasn't done with him by any means. The rage inside me was dead set out to seek retribution from him. Yet a small part of me wants to go back to him, to our old ways, accept whatever he's willing to offer even if it's a temporary bliss, I hate that I still want to be with him. 

I’m angry, sad and irritated. I’m a jumbled bag of mixed emotions and confusing thoughts. My heart and my head had never been in a dilemma before. Until him. 

Feeling frustrated with myself, I decided to get some fresh air and buy groceries for dinner tonight. 

After doing all my chores and homework, I lay awake in my bed, that night’s events going over and over in my head. How could I possibly let myself be that weak and vulnerable in front of Ares? I’m not weak, and I’m not about to let Ares make me that way. 

I’d probably always want him. Maybe I needed to let him mess with my feelings more to rid that love from my heart. 

Damn, Luna, you're pathetic. I mentally berate myself,  hate that this is what love has made me stoop down to, and if this is how I am going to be then I may as well stoop down to the lowest. 

I found it impossible to clear my mind and stop thinking about Ares. It was nearly midnight when my eyes closed shut and drowsiness consumed me, but one thing remained constant, I couldn't escape Ares even in my dreams. 

How can you become so attached to something with such limited time together? The answer is easy and unbearable all at once. I feel like Ares was made especially for me, and the fact that he doesn't share my feelings is cruel.

The next morning I woke up feeling as if I didn't sleep a wink, my brain was active and refused to shut down. My eyes hurt from all the crying and I didn’t even check my appearance in the mirror twice. I felt terrible and looked the same. 

Peddling away all my worries made me reach to one solid conclusion. I wasn't going to let Ares step over my feelings or anyone for the matter of fact. I was done making others problems my own. It was time to lead my life without drama. 

I chewed on the end of my pen an hour later, working out some perplexing math equation. My attention shifted to my phone when it dinged the arrival of a message. I snatched it up while my head was preoccupied with the math problem at hand, wrote something down and glanced at the screen. 

His name glared up at me, getting the usual expected reaction from my heart then the relentless flashbacks flooded too, except now there are more scenes, more feelings, more images. 

I don't bother reading his text and immediately delete it. “I hate you, Ares,” I mumble under my breath. 

Not able to concentrate on my homework, I breathe out an aggravated sigh and decide to read Edgar Allan Poe’ teacher assigned material. Edgar Allan Poe’ words on a paper are creepy and almost frightening. I'm intrigued. 

“Oh, hey, Luna, right?” A chirpy voice asked. 

I lifted my eyes to see Gabriella Potter standing in front of my occupied table in the library. Good, now I have to tolerate his friends. 

“Uhm… yeah,” I whispered, reluctantly setting my book down. “You’re Gabriella, I remember.” 

“Oh good or else it could've been awkward.” She took a seat on my table. “It's still awkward though cause you know.” 

I know what she meant. The news of Ares’s and my breakup had spread like wildfire around every corner of the school. The looks I've been getting this entire day had been belittling. 

On top of all, I hadn't seen Ares at all today. Partly because I was trying to avoid him as best I can, that's why I chose to sit in the library during our break. It felt foreign without him near me. 

“Are you alright?” She gave a sympathetic pat to the back of my hand which was resting on the table. “Heartbreak can be a bitch.” 

‘I’m fine,’ I assure her, ignoring the fact that I'd been crying myself to sleep. “Well, you can't possibly evade the inevitable, now can you?” I attempt to joke. 

“I really thought Ares was serious about you, but old habits die hard.” I withdrew my hand from the table at her words. I wasn't sure whether she was trying to sympathize with me or get a rise out of me. 

“Naïve girls tend to fall hard for boys like Ares. I know the feeling because he broke my heart too.” She pouted. “He was the first guy ever to dump me.” 

My eyes widened. “You and A-Ares dated?” 

“In my head we did yet for him it was nothing more than a fling.” 

“You're still friends with him, isn't that…” 

“Difficult? Painful? Crazy?” Gabriella offered. 

“Wrong,” I finished. 

“It was a long time ago and that isn't the point here. I was hoping to see you tonight at my house party.” 

Was she seriously inviting me to her party after playfully revealing the news of her fling with Ares? God. How could I possibly look at Gabriella without images of her with Ares flashing in my head? 

My mouth snapped shut as I began to chew on my lip. “I don't think it's a good idea for me to hang with anyone that's friends with Ares.” It was painful saying his name out loud for the first time in days. 

“Oh, don't act timid. You're giving him too much power. I didn't take you to be the submissive type.” 

“Now you're just speaking sentences that don't make sense.” 

“It's just that you can maybe find someone to take your mind off Ares.” She twirled her hair around her finger. “Isolating yourself from everyone won't make you feel better. It makes you look pathetic.” 

“I’m not afraid of him,” I said, the picture of nonchalance as I sat back in my chair with arms folded, staring intently at her. 

“Good for you because I would be at least a teeny bit nervous of his next move. After all, you broke up with him.

“What?! I mean… how did you… I didn't.”  I sputtered, blinking and uncertain how to respond. The rumours have it that Ares dumped me, not the other way around. 

Gabriella eyed me coyly. “I'm not that dumb as I appear to be. In fact, I read people brilliantly and Ares won't let this go easily.” 

My phone dinged again and again. I didn't need to see who the sender was because Gabriella’ smug smile said it all. 

“Told you he won't let it go.” 

“What certainly would be accomplished by my appearance at your party?” 

Gabriella’s eyes are bright and excited as she leans forward. “You can show him that he isn't the only guy who can make you blush and moan.” 

My face flushed at her words and I averted my eyes from her face. Her suggestion was to make Ares jealous which was appealing but the question was whom should I use to make him feel jealous? He would see right through my act. 

“I don't think I am in the right headspace to be near Ares.” 

“So you're afraid of him.” Her triumphant grin irked me. “Well, you can decide whether to let him affect you or do something that's very unlike for you to do. The choice is yours.” 

“Here.” She airdropped her address. “I'll keep an eye out for you.” 

“What do you get from this?” I asked her as she stood from her seat. 

“Satisfaction.” Gabriella didn’t miss a beat. “It's good to see for a change that boys do possess feelings inside them. Believe me, I really want to see Ares’s possessiveness over a girl.” 

I shook my head. “That’s childish.” 

“Believe me when I tell you I've seen jealous Ares plenty of times. Heck, he was even jealous during the short course of our fling. It was sexy to see him get jealous whenever someone else showed interest in me, but you know what's even sexier?” She asked, rhetorically. “It's watching Ares claim you as his possession.” 

My heart worked its way up to a vibration in my chest.

“Answer me honestly, has he ever claimed you as his own? Had forbidden you to be with other men? Spoken crazy things that you couldn't have ever imagined in your life?”

I take a long breath and close my eyes, vision of Ares as clear as day in my darkness. His face; his body; his sharp,jaw; his amazon eyes; I could hear his possessive words; feeling his kisses on me. 

 When I opened my eyes again, Gabriella was nowhere to be found, but I know one thing for certain: I am letting Ares win. 

                                 ***

next update date: 23rd jan