Jack basically had no memory of the drive home. In retrospect, he was probably lucky he'd made this drive so many times. He basically went on autopilot, cranking up the music and the heat. He realized at one point that his cheeks were wet with tears, which shocked him. Jack was not given to crying as a rule. When he was little, he'd been a cryer; he remembered many swim practices where he was glad that his face was already wet, having to wipe his goggles over and over, so no one would know. His brothers had teased him mercilessly, and he'd broken himself of this habit eventually, learning to hold them in, swallowing them, choking on them if necessary.

Now, though, he felt like bands were constricting his chest, making it hard for him to breathe. He was starting to get a tension headache from crying for so long, and he knew that his family would know that he'd been in tears pretty much the whole way home if he didn't stop soon. Like when he was a child, he wiped his eyes, and forced himself to stop, drawing huge, shuddering breaths, chest heaving. He rolled down the windows in the cab of the truck, letting the cold, foggy valley air swirl in and hit him, and shock his body into wakefulness, alertness.

Kelsey didn't love him anymore.

No, this wasn't true.

Kelsey didn't want to love him anymore.

She felt that loving him wasn't going to be a good thing for her, wasn't going to make her happy in the long run, because he, Jack wasn't worthy of her love. Because he couldn't understand that being around Marian was bad, it was a bad thing. He'd been stupid and selfish, and unwilling to compromise at all, when he should have, apparently.

He hit the steering wheel, inadvertently blowing the horn. Luckily he was on the east side of the Altamont Pass, and there was almost no traffic, so no one heard him.

So what was he supposed to do now?

He was single. Kelsey had broken up with him.

Funny, he didn't feel like it. He still felt bound to her, by invisible threads that joined his heart to hers.

He still loved her. Was that going to go away or something? How did this work? Was he really supposed to go off and be with Marian now? How could he even contemplate such a thing?

He took a deep breath and began to sing along to Boston, then the Rolling Stones, concentrating on the lyrics and not how much fun he'd had singing along to these songs with Kelsey the last time they'd listened to this playlist together.

He pulled into the driveway around one thirty in the morning, and when he went in the house, he saw that Marian had waited up for him. He wanted nothing more than to just crawl into bed, and wished she hadn't, but he sat down with her in the family room because it was only polite to do so.

"I can see from your face that things didn't go well," she said, settling back on the sofa. Spidey, too, rose to greet him, tail thumping.

He just shook his head, staring into the fire.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, leaning forward to look at his face.

"Not really," he replied, sighing.

"Here," Marian said, pouring him a glass of wine.

"You know I don't drink," Jack protested.

"Tonight's an exception," she insisted, handing him the glass. "For medicinal purposes. Honestly, Jack, if ever anyone needed a drink, it's you. The look on your face, my god."

Jack sighed again and raised the glass in a half-hearted toast before taking a swallow. The taste reminded him of Kelsey, which was nice, and he took another swallow, feeling it warm his insides as it slid down his throat.

"Thanks," he said with a little smile.

"You know, it might help if you talked about it?" Marian suggested. "I'm not trying to pry, just speaking from experience."

Jack swallowed, nodding. "She just said that she needed--certain things from me, and I said that her needing those things showed a lack of trust, and that without trust, we had nothing. Then she said that we were both right, and that these things weren't likely to change or go away, and we should quit while we were ahead." He looked at Marian.

"That's it?" she questioned.

Jack shook his head. "She also said that maybe I should be with you, and that probably the reason I wasn't already was because she was still in the picture, so she was going to, uh, get out of the way or whatever, so I could see what happened." Jack swallowed again, Adam's apple moving up and down. He took another swallow of wine.

"You know, for someone who didn't want it, you're sure taking down that drink awfully quick," Marian said with a smile.

"So, is that something you'd want to pursue?" Marian asked as she refilled his glass.

Jack shrugged.

"Your enthusiasm is compelling," Marian laughed.

"Sorry," Jack said, laughing with her. "It's just been a crappy day, you know? I'm not in an enthusiastic place right now."

They sat in comfortable silence for a while as Jack finished his wine.

"I really just want to go to bed, if that's okay," he finally said.

"Jack, of course that's okay," Marian answered, finishing her wine. "And for the record? Regardless of how I feel about you, I am so, so sorry that you're suffering so much, I really am."

Jack looked at her and nodded tiredly before rising and closing the screen on the fireplace.

They went upstairs together, and Marian patted his back on the landing before going down the hall to the room where she'd be sleeping. Jack stripped down to his underwear and got in bed without even brushing his teeth, pulling the covers up around his head, something he hadn't done since he was little.

Amazingly, he was asleep within minutes.

*****************

Kelsey wasn't so lucky. After she left Jack, she quickly walked to her plane and boarded. They were in the air twenty minutes later. She spent most of the flight looking out the window at the black December darkness and crying.

She knew she hadn't made a mistake, she knew it in her head, but why did it feel like her heart was breaking, then? She hadn't been lying when she told Jack that it was the sanest break up she'd ever gone through. No one had shouted, no one had thrown anything, or called anyone anything terrible, no one had cheated on anyone, or caught anyone doing anything untoward, it was actually pretty amazing.

So why did she want to just curl up and die?

She kept remembering how Jack looked as he stood there, in the cold, pitiless fluorescent lights of the airport, beautiful eyes so wounded, and just so defenseless as he finally understood what she was saying. He'd blinked those eyelashes, those beautiful, long pale lashes, like he was trying to keep from crying.

Jack didn't cry.

Kelsey closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against the cold window. Her stomach clenched up and threatened to expel the fast food she'd bought and eaten earlier on her way to Jack's house. She'd felt good then, like she was on her way to finally put things right.

The plane landed in Des Moines, and she got in the waiting car for the two hour drive to her parents' house. She'd wanted to buy them a new one, a nice new house, comfortable and modern, but they'd resisted, and she'd settled for paying off her childhood home. It was close to her grandparents, at least, and it did hold all of her memories, which was nice. They knew she was arriving in the middle of the night; they assumed it was to do with "work". They'd gotten used to her hectic lifestyle years ago.

As the car rolled through the snowy Iowa night, she wondered if Jack was spending the night with Marian. It made her stomach roil to think of them together, but she couldn't help the images that crowded into her mind. She'd basically told him to get together with her, sent him to go be with her. She could imagine Jack returning to his home in Warren, to Marian and Spidey waiting up for him by the fire.

Jack would sit down next to her, and she'd snuggle into him, the way she, Kelsey, used to. Marian would ask how bad it had been, and Jack would say that it had been bad, but at least it was over, or something to that effect.

Then they'd go upstairs, to Jack's room, to make love. Oh my god. He would take Marian in his arms and smile that sweet smile that used to be just for her, and he would pull her close so he could smell her neck, then he'd kiss her, and what was worse to think about, he'd want to kiss her--

Kelsey looked at her reflection in the car's window as they passed under the various lights. What had she been thinking?

She let out a fresh sob that no one heard.

She wanted to send him a text, but she knew she couldn't, so she texted Kiki instead.

"I just did the dumbest thing, and I need you. When are you and Mike going to be in LA?"

Her phone dinged minutes later.

"Lucky you, we're going for New Year's, flying in on the 28th!!"

Kelsey read the words and smiled for the first time in hours. She thought she might be able to survive until then.

Maybe.