chapter thirty-three ;; going home
jeongguk's perspective
°☆.。.:*・°☆

"Are you tired?"

"Yes."

"Do you wish to sleep?"

"No."

"Do you want to eat?"

"No."

"Are you upset?"

"No."

"Are you okay?"

"Not one bit."

Taehyung sighs and wraps his arm around my waist, doing all he can to draw me closer as my body's practically numb. I did nothing to lean into the loving touch. I didn't want to do anything at all, "Tell me what's wrong."

My face remains slack and showing no emotion, just like how Yoongi's did. It must've been hard for him to keep all that information on his shoulders. In all honesty, I couldn't blame him for snapping like he did. I'd snap too. My mind was stupid. It always blocking out the red flags. Learning Seokjin lost Namjoon over his feelings for me shouldn't of had come as such a surprise. I only taught myself to excuse a relationship of empathy and understanding for one of want. It had really changed my perspective on things. Like Yoongi had said, I was only a trophy for a game.

"Is what Yoongi said true? Does- Does Seokjin really like...me?" My tired and sad eyes glance over at Taehyung who's face was grim. He didn't have to answer. His face said all it needed to, "Did Seokjin and Namjoon really end things because of me?" Once again, the silence Taehyung sends is the only answer I need. My head falls into my hands, letting out a shaky breath, "I- I've ruined everything..."

"That's not true, Guk. You haven't ruined anything. Things happen for a reason, remember that." Taehyung says, trying to reassure my aching heart. I was far too into the deep to be pulled out now. There is nothing he can say to bring light to the darkness that I currently am. Taehyung told me he likes the darkness rather than destroying it with light. That must be why he's still somehow not giving up on me.

"I hurt Seoyun by taking you away from her." I mumble, staring down at my legs lightly swung off the side of Taehyung's bed, "I hurt Yoongi because he had to tell Hoseok how he feels to be with Jimin, but Jimin's still into me." His grip loosens, finally paying attention to my almost inaudible words followed by soddened cheeks, "I hurt Namjoon by Seokjin finding interest in me. It's all my fault. If I'd just stayed to myself and not befriended any of you-"

"Stop." Taehyung seethes with dilated eyes, "Stop thinking so poorly of yourself."

"I'm not thinking poorly of myself. I'm speaking the truth without the bottle." My fingers play together, picking and creating knots. It was all too much for my liking, wanting to crawl into a hole and die. Only if I could go back in time and not go to that football game, "It's all my fault. I regret everything-"

"Shut up!" Taehyung shouts, hands formed into tight fists. His knuckles were white with a head held low. He quickly looks up to meet my scared eyes, "Shut up, shut up, shut up." Taehyung continues and stands up from his bed with disbelief, "Do you not know that I'm right here?" His voice was hurt, cracking at the end, even though there were no evident tears falling down his beautiful face, "What you're saying is that you regret me?"

"N-No!" I cry out, not wanting him to get the wrong idea.

"That's exactly what it sounds like." He shakes his head at me, "I get it, Jeongguk. You're mad at yourself for causing such a chain reaction, but when it starts making you regret all that has happened, it really fucking hurts."

"I- I know, and I'm sorry, please, I didn't mean that." Tears were beginning to fall down my face for the nth time, nose clogged and throat dry. I'd become a complete cry baby. Crying wasn't unexpected anymore at this moment. The only emotion I showed was sadness and anger with salty dew.

"When you put off saying certain things to me, it shows otherwise." Taehyung lets his hands slowly fall over his face that had lines and creases of stress, "Am I- Am I not good enough for you? Do I...Do I not give enough of myself into this relationship? Because goddamnit, Jeongguk, I don't know what to do! It's like you don't even care about me the way I care about you. If you did you'd- you'd tell me how much you like me. You would kiss me without insinuation." The tears had finally showed, and his voice was slowly becoming fainter with each word. Taehyung couldn't keep still, constantly letting his arms move with his words. I only felt even more awful because someone else was right once more.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, feeling like a broken record.

"I know you're sorry, but-"

"I'll try and do more things. I can give you that one promise because, Taehyung, I really do like you, more than you think. I'm just- I'm so bad at showing things. I like to make myself believe my words are articulate and well understood, but I'm the only one who truly understands them." He stares at me with intent eyes that I look straight back at with no more fear of being stared down in such a way, "I like you as much as the stars need the dark sky. I like you as much as glitter needs the light to sparkle." I take in a deep breath and quickly wipe away the tears which stubbornly fall down my face with trembling hands, "I don't want to see you leave, just like everyone else."

"...Come here." Taehyung whispers once I finished talking. The fever continued to rage through my body, chills rolling through my entire system, and they remained, even though strong arms were tightly wrapped around me. They were sure and comforting, slightly putting all raging things to peace. And tears fell once again, earning a loud scream of frustration on my end. I was absolutely tired of crying, but it seemed to be the only thing for me to do, "I know...I know...shout all you need to."

My throat had gone raw from screaming at absolutely everything. My knuckles were white and red and sore from gripping onto Taehyung's baggy hoodie so tightly. He was comfortably placed in between my thighs once more, but there were no sexual desires with it. I screamed out streams and streams of profanities and names, at one point pounding on Taehyung's chest with my small fists that did absolutely no damage at all, and he stayed silent the whole time, running his thumb along the back of my neck.

I screamed at Jimin for being careless and not taking his pills and saying my name when he should've said Yoongi's.

I screamed at Yoongi for being so cruel yet so truthful with me.

I screamed at Hoseok for being so blind, just like I.

I screamed at Seokjin for finding interest in me when there was nothing to be started, and I screamed at him for losing someone as loving as Namjoon over someone as pathetic as me.

I screamed at Namjoon for allowing someone as fragile as Seokjin to slip past his fingertips without working for their relationship, even though he was hurt.

I screamed at Taehyung for being stupid enough to stay with me, for not giving up on someone who was utterly helpless. I screamed at him for not being smart and leaving me for good, like nothing had happened between us. I screamed at him for wanting me after all of this. I screamed at him for not hating me.

I screamed at myself for being such an idiot. I screamed at myself for living. I screamed at myself for being so weak. I screamed at myself for being a disappointment. I screamed at myself for getting so attached to too many people all at once. I screamed at myself for everything that had occurred from ages fourteen to now, and by the end I barely had a voice.

Even Taehyung shouted. He shouted at a lot of things, even shouted at me for a little while. I didn't cry at his words. I instead held him just like he needed me to. My mind wasn't the only one that was weak and broken, that my mangled soul was intertwined with another's.

He shouted at Jimin for hurting me, for hurting us. He shouted at Jimin for hurting his brother.

He shouted at Yoongi for saying the things to me with no ease. He shouted at Yoongi for becoming so drunk, that being the reason why his old family had died.

He shouted at his stepparents for never being around for him.

He shouted at Seokjin for becoming someone he couldn't understand.

He shouted at Namjoon for the same reason that I did.

He shouted at whatever being from above for allowing himself to live while the one's he used to call a family die.

He shouted at me for being so clueless. He shouted at me for being too good for my own good that it causes pain. He shouted at me for not showing enough of everything a relationship needs to thrive. He shouted at me for being so scared, for asking for help but not accepting it.

He shouted at himself for somehow picking up someone like me. He shouted at himself for saying some things too soon. He shouted at himself for caring. He shouted at himself for falling too quickly.

There were too many things to be said with such a small amount of time. We almost couldn't stand the sight of everything, the both of us wanting to be in a world that only ourselves occupied. Even Taehyung was mad at me, but I couldn't blame him for that, and he did the best he could to not have his emotions affect his true feelings for me. He held onto me, gave me unbelievably deep kisses were so frantic my lungs held no more oxygen, and his tongue was an absolute weapon.

A light knock sounded from behind the door, but we did nothing to acknowledge such a thing. We were both silent, not wanting to speak to one another but still wanting the feeling of someone next to us. It was sick and twisted, yet something about the situation was ironically familiar, and it almost made me want to shout once more. Both of us knew what was bound to break out, and we also both knew from the very beginning something like this was seen from miles away. We had both assumed the worse, and if this wasn't it, I don't know what to do.

----

I was set to leave that night, not wanting to be around others for a long, long while. Taehyung did nothing to fight against my statement of going back home. He instead nodded while running his thumb across the back of my hand. He was tired of me; we were tired of each other, and a break was needed more than anything else. Too many things were dropped onto the both of us all at once, too many burdens and too many actions held accountable.

There was currently no us, instead now being Taehyung and I. We were separate names that no longer wanted to be classified together at the time being. Splitting ways was difficult, and the instinct feeling to claw back for his arms around me was frantic and desperate, almost impossible to keep the lump in my throat staying at just that. Our last few exchanged words in his bedroom were like bullet wounds of something promising.

"I really like you, you know." Taehyung whispers while running his coarse index finger across my cheekbone, our bodies close and warm against one another.

"I know you do," His lips pull into a tight line, "and I hope you know that I do too, more than you think."

----

A sweet and final kiss is shared between our two mouths that would surely miss the other without a doubt, even though we both denied the feelings in our guts. It felt off, but none of us said a word to each other. The last thing that occurred was Taehyung kindly taking my suitcase out of my hands without any words. He was smart for only allowing me to stay a week, even though it had been more of one and a half.

The sound of my suitcase wheels clacking when smacking into the cracks between stone is heard throughout the dead silent courtyard. Water from the fountain splashes as the spritz hits my body while walking by. It was a refreshing feeling, but whatever gloomy atmosphere clung onto me wouldn't leave due to my words speaking for only myself once more. Taehyung's footsteps didn't follow behind mine, since he had called a taxi. A break was needed, no matter how painful it was for Taehyung and I, that, we couldn't deny.

----

song -- please be naked by the 1975