Nine: Snotbomb

"What the Helheim is she doing here?" Snotlout snarled. Everyone stared at the stocky young man and then turned to look at the shocked shape of Astrid, who was standing with a baking tray of sausages to put under the grill. She blinked.

"Wh-what?' she mouthed as Hiccup turned back to his cousin.

"What do you mean, Snot?" he asked in a sharp voice, seeing the woman's eyes widen with confusion. Snotlout walked to the table, popping a beer can and chugging back a couple of gulps, a smug expression on his face and clearly enjoying his position as the centre of attention. Then he gestured at her.

"Look at her!" he said shortly. "That's Astrid Hofferson. Midfielder for Lyon Soccer club. Famous, rich sportswoman. So what is happening here, then sweetcheeks?"

"I don't know what..."

"Is this some Reality TV show?" Snotlout challenged her. "Maybe something like 'famous sports stars fool gullible idiots'? Or is this just for a joke?"

"What?" Astrid slammed the baking tray down and pulled off the oven gloves, then marched up towards the smug shape of Snotlout and jabbed her finger almost into his face. "How dare you! This is my life-and the last thing I need is some uninformed muttonhead making assumptions based on the knowledge of my former life..." Snotlout drained the can then grabbed another one.

"I know a bullshitter when I see one-and you're one," he sneered. She gaped.

"What? And small ears listening!" she snapped. He gave a short laugh.

"Really? You're still keeping up the act? That's rich. You soccer players are all paid a ton of cash...why would you need to work as a Nanny for the pittance my fishbone of a cousin can afford?" he challenged her.

"I am not a soccer player," Astrid snapped. "I was-a good one too. And when Olympique Lyonnais came calling, I signed up without a thought. I mean, they have won six European Cups in the last nine years. They're unchallenged in the league. They are the best women's team in the world. And for the short time I was with them, yes, I was earning good money. I was with Lyon in the club and the team for about eight months-and then this happened." Eyes flashing with fury, she fished out her phone, thumbed up the video she had kept from morbid fascination-and played the tackle. The twins both winced and cringed, Fishlegs went green and looked like he was about to vomit and Hiccup frowned.

"Happens," was all Snotlout managed.

"I spent over a year-closer to eighteen months-on rehab and working back to fitness-and then, on my first proper match back, my ACL ruptured and it was game over," Astrid snapped. "You know the girl who smashed my knee was back playing after her ban before I was even out of plaster for my first knee reconstruction? I was a soccer player. In the past tense."

"And you know you're a fake?" Snotlout sneered.

"What?" Astrid demanded, her fists clenched. Hiccup recalled her words about fighting and wondered if his cousin knew how stupid he was.

"Well, you make all this play about being friendly and accessible-but when I saw you at an award ceremony, you didn't respond when I asked you out!"

"Wait-you asked Astrid out?" Tuff asked him, surprised.

"Yes! She just shook her head and walked away!" Snotlout protested, obviously annoyed.

"Was that after I won the 'Most Promising Newcomer' award which you lost and came up to me and said 'well done. They only chose you because you're hot totty rather than an awesome hunk and an actual sports star!'"

"Oh gods," Hiccup groaned.

"Good call, Ast!" Ruffnut called, giving her a double thumbs-up. "I wouldn't date Snot's sorry ass if he was the last man on Midgard!"

"Small ears!" Astrid growled.

"Sorry. I wouldn't date Simon's sorry ass if he was the last man on Midgard," the female twin amended with an evil grin.

"And why should I have to date some entitled smug self-important muttonheaded nitwit who thinks he's the bee's knees or some other even worse part of insect anatomy just because he plays a game for a small local league that he'll never graduate from?" Astrid snapped, glaring at the stocky man. "I remember you now. I think it was 'Heya Babe. You wanna good time? Come out with me and I'll give you a ride you'll never forget! And who knows-maybe we can make some little Snotlets together!' Ugh!" Hiccup moved to her side.

"You okay?" he murmured.

"No!" she said firmly.

"And why wouldn't you date an awesome football star?" Snotlout asked.

"You mean apart from the most cringeworthy proposition I have ever heard?" Fishlegs piped up.

"Shut up, Fishface!" Snotlout snapped.

"Well, if I wanted to date a football star, I would have gone out with one of the guys from Olympique Lyonnais men's team or PSG or one of the other proper Football teams," Astrid snapped. "I play the game that the world calls Football. The only people who call it soccer are those from countries who have some weird local version of 'football' the inevitably involves almost no football and almost all handball! But the over two hundred nations who participate in regional and world football cups play my game, not yours!" She advanced, eyes blazing and Snotlout found himself backing up. "Now, you insulted me with a very sleazy proposition and I was very polite in just walking away. Otherwise, I would have punched your lights out."

"You're still a fake!" Snotlout retorted.

"How?" Astrid repeated.

"Don't believe you were that injured," he insisted. Astrid took a deep breath and then pulled up the leg of her jeans to reveal multiple livid red and pink scars that wrapped around her knee, the marks raised and ugly on her slim but firm leg.

"So that was just a small sprain, was it?" she demanded. Snotlout backed up.

"Um...yeah..." he said and then he frowned. "And I've heard about you as well."

"What?" she hissed as he advanced to lean forward and breathe a few words in her ear.

"You think that my cuz wants to know that you attacked a social worker?" he breathed and rested a hand on her waist. "You're nice to me and no one needs to know..."

"Remove your hand..." Astrid growled, going stock still. "Now!" Snotlout leaned close and smelled her neck.

"You know you smell adorable..." he breathed. "I can keep secrets. How much do you want this job?" What happened next seemed to be in slow motion as Astrid's hand snapped Snotlout's round, bending his wrist back and forcing him to his knees. He gave a loud whine of pain and tried to struggle but then Astrid adjusted her grip and threw him, slamming him on his back just beside the table and in full view of Hanna.

There was a shocked silence and everyone stared at the little girl who grinned and then stuck her arms in the air even as Hiccup lurched forward, a horrified look on his face. He swiftly knelt by his daughter and opened his mouth but Hanna was grinning.

"YAY! GO ASTRID!" she yelled. Hiccup shook his head.

"Princess, I am so sorry...Astrid didn't mean to..." he began but Hanna frowned.

"Unca Snot put his hand on her and she said no and he didn't move it," she told him stubbornly. "At school if a grown up touches us and we feel funny about it we're told to say NO loudly then tell a grown up. But all the grown ups were just watching and Astrid is a grown up and she can kick ass!"

"Ruffnut!" Hiccup growled, guessing where the terminology had originated from. The female twin gave an 'oops' look and shrugged.

"Auntie Ruff taught me all sorts of words for Uncle Snotlout," Hanna continued happily. "She called him..."

"That's enough, honey," Astrid said, keeping her distance.

"Daddy-you're not mad at Astrid are you?" Hanna asked suddenly, looking up into her father's stern emerald eyes and then over to the Nanny. "I mean Uncle Snotlout touched her and he didn't stop when she asked. And she did stop that bad woman as well..." Hiccup stared at her and then up at Astrid, his eyes wide with sudden shock, anxiety and betrayal.

"What woman?" he asked directly. Hanna suddenly looked subdued because she could recognised her father's 'serious' voice.

"The bad lady,' she explained. "She came here yesterday and tried to talk to me and she shouted at Astrid and Astrid told her off and pressed her into a wall and then she called her friends and then she talked to me and I told her I didn't like her and I liked Astrid..." Hiccup stared into her face and then over towards the shape of Astrid, breathing hard but suddenly looking uncertain.

"Astrid-please tell me what happened," he said in a toneless voice. "The truth, this time." Her heart sank as she saw him rise and carry his daughter to the kitchen table. Snotlout got up with a lot of groaning and palaver, making sure everyone was in no doubt how badly hurt he was. Ruffnut elbowed him in the gut for good measure. Astrid folded her arms.

"The door knocked and this women pushed past me and tried to force her way in," she explained. "She didn't say who she was or anything-she just made a bee line for Hanna. So I grabbed her and pinned her against the wall while I grabbed the phone to call the police. She said she was a social worker so I demanded to see her ID. Then I called the Family Services Department because she had violated her code of conduct in not showing ID and forcing entry." She paused. "She has no right of entry! She has to ask and you can refuse if you think it would be disruptive or upsetting or excessive! So I allowed a few minutes with Hanna and said she would have to go when Hanna asked her to leave. She managed two questions when Hanna told her that she was mean and nasty and then asked her to leave. So she did. I am awaiting the response to my formal complaint. That's all, I swear!"

Hiccup looked up at her and then at Hanna, who nodded. And then he bowed his head forward, running a hand defeatedly through the hair.

"They'll hold all this against me," he groaned. "I'm already on their radar because I am a single Dad and now they'll take Hanna and I'll lose her forever and I'll have let Heather down and I...I don't know what I can do..."

"Trust Astrid," Hanna said with a smile. And then she hugged him. "Don't worry, Dad. I won't let anything happen to you..."

"But something may happen to you," Hiccup said, his voice beginning to sound panicky. "I mean, they could take you away from me and I would never see you again..."

"No, they can't legally," Astrid told him. "There has to be significant evidence and suspicion to even begin proceedings to observe you closely and there must be supportive measures. And from what I have seen, you have all the right things and are a loving and dedicated father..." He raised a hand.

"You've just made this a hundred times worse..." he said breathlessly, his arms wrapped protectively around the child.

"Hiccup-I'm not sure what she's said to you but it's not true," the blonde said. "She hated me because I prevented her illegal entry and I know what the regulations are. I know that she can't just force her way on and harass you. And that's what she is doing, isn't it? She definitely wants me out of the way." And then she paused. "You-you're a Jorgensen, aren't you?"

"Stay away from me!" Snotlout whined, cringing.

"So what relation is Gerda Jorgensen to you?" she demanded.

"Awww-it's not my fault that she..." And then he paused. "What-the social worker is Aunt Gerda?"

Astrid nodded...and so did Hiccup. Snotlout suddenly pulled a face.

"Hey-she told me you attacked a social worker just doing her job and that I should warn you that the new Nanny was completely unsuitable for the job and would stop the social worker doing her job," he revealed. "She never said she was the social worker."

"Wait-that's your Aunt?" Fishlegs asked and Snotlout gave a nod.

"She's evil," he admitted. "I mean, she hated Aunt Valka, she hated Dad-she spent most of my childhood trying to get me taken off Dad and Mom as unfit parents. Admittedly Dad does take part in competitive head bludgeoning..."

"What?" Astrid asked, frowning.

"Fine old Berkian heritage sport," Fishlegs explained. "Groups of men go down to a central or agreed area and bludgeon themselves over the head. The one who remains conscious the longest wins."

"And the one who gets concussion?" Astrid asked, horrified.

"Forgets when his wife's birthday is," Ruffnut added. "Hey, why do you think so many people on Berk are so astonishingly muttonheaded?" Astrid shrugged.

"I really couldn't say," she admitted as she looked over to Hiccup. "Look-I didn't mean to lie to you. I just didn't want you to panic-as you are doing. I know the regulations. And I was right-because she decided to try to use her nephew to get to you..."

"He couldn't have gotten to me if you had told the truth," Hiccup said, his arms still protectively around his daughter. "What you did...well, it may have been right but it made things worse for me. She'll never give up now. Somehow, she'll find a way to take Hanna from me...and that will utterly destroy me."

"Dad-it's okay," Hanna said. "Astrid will protect us. She's smart and pretty and she knows all the words to all the songs in Frozen..." But Hiccup looked up, his eyes unfathomable.

"Honest, cuz-I didn't know it was Aunt Gerda," Snotlout piped up. "I mean she sent me an email to tell me she was really worried because there was this Nanny at your home when the social worker visited and she believed that she was a fake and up to no good and that she attacked the social worker and..."

"No, it's okay Snot," Hiccup said tonelessly. "You kind of did me a favour."

"What?" Ruff asked him. "He just ruined a perfectly good get together..."

"Yeah-way to bring down the mood, Snotface!" Tuff added, scowling.

"No-it's okay," Hiccup said quietly. "I needed to know. I needed to know that I was being lied to. That Astrid thought I didn't need to know. That...I couldn't trust her." Her eyes widened and she backed away.

"I think I should leave," she said awkwardly.

"I think that would be for the best," Hiccup said flatly.

"Dad-no..." Hanna began but he shook his head, kissing the crown of her head. "Astrid..." But though her heart was breaking, she walked past the little girl, then paused and leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

"Bye bye, honey," she said and headed upstairs to collect her things.

"You know you're a complete muttonhead?" Ruff asked him as he sighed and hugged his daughter.

"How can I trust her if she lies to me?" he said quietly.

"How can you not?" Ruff asked and then she sighed. "Sorry, Terror. I guess it's just you and your Dad once more..." But Hanna began to squirm and fight against Hiccup's protective arms as there was the sounds of footsteps and the sounds of the door opening.

"No!" she shouted as the door slammed closed and the others all shared worried glances. Hiccup's face was stricken as she fought against him, her eyes swimming with tears. "No! It's not fair. Astrid made sure I was safe. It-it was almost like having a Mom again and now you make her go away and I don't understand why. I hate you. I HATE YOU! I want Astrid back! Astrid? ASTRID!"