Sixteen: Out of her depth

After a well-deserved Sunday spent with her family, Astrid was back at the Haddock home on Sunday evening, in time to make sure everything was ready for school. Hiccup had put Hanna to bed and was working hard on a presentation he had later that week that could define the future for his company. Watching him as she sat by the fire, reading a trashy romance that Ruffnut had dropped in for her to try, Astrid noted he was looking very stressed once more.

Monday saw Hanna a little grumpy and not keen to go to school, barely eating her 'Nova Mallow Flakes' which were her current favourite. She drank her milk and complained that her head hurt. Deftly Astrid checked her temperature with the aural thermometer and when it came back as normal, she crouched down and gave the girl a small encouraging smile.

"You'll feel better in class," she suggested but Hanna just scowled.

"Don' wanna go," she whined, looking up hopefully as Hiccup arrived, grabbing a bagel and eating rapidly as he checked for emails on his phone.

"Morning, Princess-how are you today?" he asked brightly but Hanna remained quiet. He frowned and looked up. "Hanna?"

"Don' wanna go," she mumbled. "I don't feel good." Astrid sighed.

"She's off her food but she doesn't have a fever," she reported. "I'd send her and see how she feels when she gets there. They can always call me if she needs to come home." Gratefully, Hiccup nodded.

"That sounds like a plan," he said in a relieved voice. "I'm going to be late tonight. I need to crunch these numbers with Fish once more to check that we haven't messed up our estimates..." Nodding, Astrid gave a small smile, not understanding the minutiae of his current project but glad to just provide an adult sounding board. Then he crouched by his daughter. "Sorry, Princess. See how you feel when you get to school. If you're not feeling so good, Astrid can always come and collect you." Hanna pouted.

"Want you," she said, stretching out her arms and he hugged her, pressing a kiss on her head.

"Daddy has to work," he said apologetically. "It's very important. Can you be a big brave girl for me?" She looked downcast. "Please?" Slowly, she nodded.

"'kay," she mumbled. He kissed her again.

"That's my brave Princess," he told her. "Elsa would be proud." She managed a wan smile as he grabbed the remains of his bagel. "See you later!" And he scurried from the room. Astrid looked at her charge and knew that she wouldn't want to walk to school, silently resolving that she needed to get to work finding a car. She sighed.

"Okay, Hanna-you want a piggyback to school?" she asked and the girl looked up with a small spark of interest in her eyes.

"That would be okay," she said still subdued. Astrid smiled.

"Okay-we'll get you wrapped up and then we'll set out," Astrid said confidently, clearing the plates away. "You'll feel much better when you get there."

oOo

Hanna had been subdued but had smiled at her friend Thor and they had walked into the school together, though she had looked paler than usual. Concerned, Astrid had walked slowly back to the house, diverting via the pharmacy to get some extra supplies because her gut was telling her that Hanna may not last the day.

Her suspicions were borne out when she received a phone call from the school at 11.15-later than she had expected-saying that Hanna wasn't well and could she come and collect her. Swiftly, she phoned a taxi and sped out to meet it, jumping in and asking the driver to wait outside the school as she ran inside, calming her breathing and orientating herself in the brightly-painted corridor and seeing the little row of coats hanging from the hooks by the sightly askew rows of outdoor shoes. Swiftly, she collected the familiar pink coat and wellingtons boots and then headed for the nurse's office, finding the miserable shape of Hanna curled up on the low couch, her cheeks bright red and eyes bright with fever. The nurse- a brisk solid white uniformed woman with dark eyes and long dark hair in an efficient and huge braided bun topped by a formal white starched nurse's cap-looked her up and down and frowned.

"She's got a fever of 39 and has been vomiting," she said firmly. "She said she wasn't feel well this morning..." Astrid felt a surge of guilt but sighed.

"She was not feeling well but she was drinking and her temperature was normal," she reported and sighed. "I wasn't sure if she would feel better a bit later on." The nurse's expression softened.

"You're just a young mother," she said with a little sympathy. "You haven't got the experience..." She patted Astrid's arm absently. "Take her home, give her some paracetamol, keep her hydrated and make her comfortable. Looks like a self-limiting bug." Nodding, Astrid crouched by Hanna.

"Hi, Hanna," she said as the little girl opened her eyes and looked at her.

"Want Daddy," she mumbled. Astrid sighed.

"Daddy's at work," she told the little girl gently. "Remember I'm here to take you home and he'll be back later. Shall we get you home?" Miserably, Hanna nodded.

"I threw up," she whispered, her lip trembling. "I miss Mommy."

"I know, honey," Astrid agreed gently, stroking her hair off the scorching skin. "Let's go home." She scooped Hanna up in her arms, nodded her thanks to the Nurse and took Hanna to the waiting 'Black Sheep' Taxi. Hanna snuggled into her chest, burying her head in her shoulder.

"I'm cold," she complained as they pulled away and Astrid wrapped her coat around her.

"We'll be home soon," she reassured her as the driver pulled out and swiftly drove then back home, reminding Astrid that she really needed to find a small run-around since she couldn't just rely on taxis. The driver was looking suspiciously at the child and she realised he was concerned that she was going to be ill in his beloved vehicle-so it was with relief that they pulled up outside Hiccup and Hanna's home and Astrid scrambled out. And just in time, for Hanna promptly threw up all over her chest and front. Grimacing and taking a few breaths, the blonde sighed, stepped away from the car and swiftly paid the driver, giving a generous tip.

"Thanks," she murmured. "And it's okay-she missed the car completely." The man gave a relieved smile.

"Thanks, Miss," he murmured and sped away, leaving the Nanny to stumble to the door, trying to juggle the girl and the keys while attempting not to drop too much vomit on the floor. Finally inside, she shed her coat and carried the little girl up to her room...just as Hanna gave a miserable whine and vomited again, hitting Astrid full in the face.

The woman recoiled, breathing hard and urgently swiping the fluid off her face. Hanna looked at her and looked alarmed-then burst into tears.

"Sorry," she sobbed as Astrid tried to soothe the distressed child, reassuring her that there was no harm done, while privately trying not to gag and wondering how soon she could get the vomit out of her hair. Hanna gave a few small sad sniffs.

"Told you wasn't well," she mumbled as Astrid carefully undressed her and slid her into a pink nightie, then gave her some medicine and some water.

"Yeah, you're smarter than me, Missy," she smiled, wrinkling her nose. "You okay there?" Hanna nodded.

"Just feel tired," she mumbled.

"Will you be okay for a few minutes while I get you a bowl?" Astrid asked, levering herself to her feet and feeling her knee twinge. It seemed to not be getting any better and she wondered absently of this was going to be how it was for the rest of her life. Then she sighed and sped downstairs, locating a suitable sized plastic bowl to act as a sick bowl and then walked back up-to find a small pie of vomit on the floor. Hanna was looking miserable again.

"I throwed up," she mumbled as Astrid sighed and tucked the bowl on the side table.

"Try to use the bowl, honey," she said and went down to get a washing up bowl, water, detergent and cloths to clean it up-to return and find the empty sick bowl and a larger pile of vomit. Hanna pouted.

"I felt sicker," she mumbled. Astrid sighed.

"That's okay," she said and knelt down to mop up the vomit. There was a pause and retching and then something warm and wet hit the back of her head. Hanna looked apologetic, .

"I throwed up again," she said, her eyes bright. Astrid clenched her fists and gritted her teeth, furious she now had vomit all over the back of her head as well as the front. She swallowed.

"That's okay," she said through gritted teeth and shoved the vomit bowl under the girl's head. "Just throw up in the bowl, okay?" Hanna nodded, almost dislodging the bowl.

"Sorry," she murmured. "Are you mad?"

"No," Astrid snapped, wiping up the vomit and trying to scoop the vomit off her hair. It had gotten all the way into her braid and down her neck as well.

"You sound mad," Hanna pointed out, her voice tremulous.

"I'm not mad!" Astrid snapped and then calmed her voice consciously. "It's okay, Hanna. I'm not mad. I just hate being covered in puke."

"Sorry," the little girl mumbled and Astrid sat back on her knees, gently stroking the scorching forehead.

"You can't help it," the Nanny sighed. "You're poorly. Now try to close your eyes and if you have to throw up, straight into the bowl, okay?" Hanna nodded and grabbed the bowl.

"I'll try," she said sadly. Astrid sighed.

"I'll get you a cold compress and some water," she said. "I'll be back in a minute..." Hanna managed a wan smile and closed her eyes. She was asleep before Astrid had even left the room.

oOo

Cleaning up and emptying the bowl had allowed Astrid to calm down and she had felt ashamed of how snappish she had been. It was true she was feeling guilty for calling things wrong but Hanna would still have been sick, no matter where it was. The nurse hadn't blamed Astrid-though she had made to usual mistake of calling her Hanna's Mom, not her Nanny. But Astrid blamed herself. All the way through her career as a footballer, she had strived to be the best she could be, focussing on outstripping everyone else. She trained harder, put in longer hours than anyone and learned everything she could to maximise her potential. And she had treated her training as a Nanny with the same zeal, studying for her qualifications and reading extra manuals on childcare, child psychology and Paediatric diseases. But despite all of that, she had misread Hanna.

She sighed and swilled the bowl out, stowing it away, then putting Hanna's clothes and her own into the washer and putting it on a swift low temperature cycle. Then she unselfconsciously walked upstairs, pulling on a training tee-shirt and a pair of comfortable lycra training leggings before going back to check the little girl. As she had hoped, she was asleep, though restless with red cheeks and intermittent coughing. Astrid sighed and rubbed her forehead. She was getting a headache and she guessed that Hanna would wake in a little while. But in the mean time, she would have a quick shower to get the vomit out of her hair.

She had just got out of the shower when she heard the little girl crying. Urgently drying herself and throwing her clothes back on, she raced to the room, finding Hanna sobbing uncontrollably.

"The bad man is coming," she whimpered. Crouching by the bed, Astrid rested a hand on her forehead and frowned: it was scalding hot and the little girl was shivering, signalling her fever was rising. Swiftly, she fetched the thermometer and checked, frowning as the device pinged at a very unhealthy 40.8C. She gently stroked Hanna's forehead.

"It's okay, honey-you're safe," she told her.

"I want Mommy," Hanna said in a small voice, her eyes pleading. Astrid shook her head.

"I'm sorry, Hanna,"she said in a comforting voice. "She's not coming back."

"But Daddy said she was with Odin so that means he can send her back now I'm ill because I need her," Hanna whispered.

"Hanna-do you remember we talked? And we realised that Mommy isn't coming back because she was so poorly she died," Astrid told her gently. Hanna looked at her and began to cry.

"Does that mean I'm going to die?" she sniffed, then gave an open-mouthed cough.

"Oh no, Hanna," Astrid whispered. "You're not that poorly."

"I don't believe you," Hanna coughed. "I want Daddy."

"Sweetie, he's at work..."

"I want Daddy!" Hanna screamed. "I want Daddy! I want Daddy!"

"Hanna, please..." Astrid begged her but the little girl buried herself under the covers and, hating herself, Astrid pulled the covers down. "Hanna-you're too hot. I need to sponge you down. You'll feel much better..."

"NO!" Hanna yelled as Astrid rose and fetched a bowl and cold flannel, beginning to sponge the scorching little girl down. Hanna screamed and protested, flailing out at the woman and catching her across the face. Gritting her teeth, Astrid gently restrained her and sponged her down until she was satisfied that she was cooler. But Hanna was sobbing and whimpered.

"I HATE YOU! I WANT DADDY!" she yelled and kicked out, tipping the water all over Astrid. Shocked, Astrid remained still and then carefully patted the girl dry,

"Just drink this medicine, honey," Astrid urged her, pouring out a spoonful of anti fever syrup...but Hanna slapped it away and it splashed in Astrid's face. Breathing hard, the Nanny wiped her face with the compress, tucked the blanket away, pulling just a sheet up over the child.

"I want the blanket," Hanna protested. "Cold..."

"Hanna honey-you've got a high fever and we need to cool you down," Astrid pleaded.

"I hate you. I want Daddy!" Hanna sobbed but curled up and refused to talk, still crying. "Want Mommy. Want Daddy..."

Quietly, Astrid walked out and wiped the medicine off her face. Despondently, she went back to the shower, switched it back on and sluiced the medicine off of her face and hair. Then she dried herself once more, changed into clean clothes and went downstairs, picking her coat up and hanging it up, then picking something out of the freezer for dinner. And then she got herself a coffee and sat down, skimming through the listings for used cars and then checking her account. She had taken a hit for the pizzas from the party-which Mrs Badgerson hadn't offered to pay for-and there was less in her savings that she would have liked but with winter approaching, she needed a car because she couldn't rely on taxis.

She was aware of Hanna crying again and she went up, but the little girl screamed at her and repeated that she hated her. She refused to take any water, spat out her medicine and threw up again. Astrid dutifully sponged her down again, changed the bed and Hanna and gently wrapped her up. The girl sulked but finally took her medicine and then fell back asleep. Smelling of vomit once more, Astrid went down took the clothes out of the washer and put the fresh load in, then went back upstairs to sluice her hair down once more. She sighed. She stank of vomit, her head was aching from being shouted at and she felt a complete sense of failure. She had imagined that she had a good relationship with the little girl but this had shaken her and she was starting to wonder if she was able to look after Hanna properly.

Pull yourself together, she reminded herself sternly, combing her hair through and braiding it once more. She's a sick little girl and she misses her Mom. It's natural she wants her real parents when she's ill. She doesn't mean it. And she'll be fine when she's feeling better.

But what if she isn't? What if she still says she hates you and doesn't want you to stay? Hiccup would have to fire you because he relies on you to look after his daughter-and all I've done today is fail. I don't have the experience of looking after sick kids and...I've been a failure. She sat back on her heels and felt her shoulders slump. The great Astrid Hofferson, Berk's favourite soccer player...defeated by a small child. I should resign. And then she sighed. But that would be the coward's way out. I am not a coward. I'll face him and explain-and he can decide. If he wants to fire me, he can go ahead.

But it would break my heart.

oOo

Hiccup was exhausted when he returned home much later than usual, his shoulders aching and head buzzing with weariness. Tiredly, he locked the door, hung up his coat and rested his briefcase by the stairs, glancing towards the kitchen-but there was no sign of Hanna-or Astrid-not that he expected the former, for it was well after his daughter's bedtime. It was the first time he had missed it since Heather had died and he wondered how his daughter had coped...and then he paused and then realised he could hear water running upstairs.

Frowning, he walked up the stairs-and heard Hanna sobbing in her room.

"Want Daddy..." Hanna mumbled and Hiccup swiftly let himself into the bedroom, seeing her huddled under a sheet with her blanket folded down. He knelt by her, stroking her head.

"Daddy's here," he soothed her and her eyes opened wide, seeing him and grinning. She stretched her arms out and he swiftly hugged her. "It's okay, honey-what's happened?"

"Hate Astrid," Hanna mumbled. "She's mean." Eyebrows dipping, Hiccup hugged her and then looked up as the Nanny arrived at the door, her hair damp and face pink with just being scrubbed. "I'm cold, Daddy." He kissed Hanna and pulled her blanket up, tucking her in tightly.

"It's okay, honey-I'll sort it out," he said and Hanna gave a little sigh that turned into a childish, open-mouthed cough.

"Love you, Daddy," she mumbled and shut her eyes. Astrid folded her arms as he rose, clicked on her Night Light and switched out the main lights, then returned and flipped on the fairy lights around her Frozen Poster. And then he quietly pulled the door to and turned to Astrid.

"What's been happening?" he asked her without preamble.

"She's not well," the Nanny told him honestly. "You were busy-I know how important this is for you. I promised not to call you except in a dire emergency. So when I got the call, I collected her from school and have been caring for her since she came home. She's got a cough, a high fever and she's been throwing up."

"Then why...?"

"Because she had a very high fever-over 40," Astrid told him determinedly. "She refused her medicine so I had to sponge her down to cool her off. I finally got her to take the medicine about three hours ago and her fever is coming down-though I wish you hadn't put the blanket over her."

"She wanted it," Hiccup told her.

"And kids should always get what they want, right?" Astrid asked him, suddenly angry.

"Why were you taking a shower when she was in bed, crying and calling you mean?" he demanded. Her eyes widened for a second in surprise before they suddenly glittered in anger.

"Well, it's taken me most of the day to get her fever down to 37.8," she told him bitterly. "Until her idiot father wraps her up and pushes it up again. I've been puked on five times, changed the bed twice and been splashed in the face with three lots of medicine that she won't take. She keeps whining for her Mom-who can't come-and her Dad who was busy trying to save the future of his company and this is why you have a Nanny. And it isn't always doing the thing she wants but the thing she needs. So sorry I was washing yet more puke out of my hair. If you wanted to look after her now, feel free. You can fire me in the morning!"

And with that she shoved past him, walked into her room and slammed the door, leaving the shocked Hiccup staring after her.

"Daddy?" Hanna called and he groaned.

"Yes, Princess?" he asked her, turning back.

"Can you get Mommy? I feel sick," the little girl said and promptly threw up on the bed. "Sorry," she mumbled. Hiccup sighed and crouched by her, feeling her forehead. It was definitely warmer and he stripped the blanket down as she whined.

"You're awfully warm, Baby," he told her kindly but she shook her head.

"You're mean. I hate you. I want Mommy!" she yelled.

"Hanna..." he murmured.

"I want Mommy! I want Mommy!" she screamed but Hiccup was able to take her in his arms and rock her gently, kissing her and murmuring reassurances until she fell asleep, Swiftly, he stripped the soiled sheet from the bed and rested her on the top sheet, then pulled her light throw over her. He turned to the door-to see Astrid waiting there.

"I'll take that," she said briskly, stretching out a hand for the sheet. He sighed, handing over the crumped sheet and then running his hands through his hair. "I've just put another load on so I should be able to chuck this in." He offered a grateful nod.

"She doesn't get ill so often but she does tend to throw up a lot when she does and she always wants Heather," he murmured, his eyes downcast-and in that second, Astrid felt ever more ashamed of herself at taking her frustration at her own helplessness out on him. Hanna had just yelled she hated him and wanted his dead wife-and the loving father that he was could never hope to accede to that one dearly hoped-for wish. Knowing that Hiccup still missed Heather desperately meant that Astrid already knew that the little episode had just jabbed his wounded heart cruelly.

"I'm sorry," she sighed as they walked slowly downstairs. "I thought I had it all in hand and look at me! Brought to my knees by one feverish, vomiting child! I'm sorry I failed you. I..." But he stopped her, gently resting his hand on her arm.

"It's okay-and I'm the one who should be apologising," he admitted. "I was unfair. You must be totally frazzled. I know Hanna can be a real handful when she's ill. The number of times Heather was at her wits end and was begging me to come and help because she yelled she hated her and wanted me! And when I came, she wanted her Mom again. And I know she doesn't mean it...when she's better she'll be her usual self. It was just...today was exhausting and I'm not sleeping because this will literally determine whether we can continue or not..." Astrid managed a smile.

"We're both tired," she said, feeling less of a failure now she realised that this was just 'poorly Hanna'. The butterflies in her stomach settled a little and she felt the tension ease in her shoulders and back as well. "Look, I've got a frozen goats cheese and spinach pizza ready to cook and some salad. We can split that and then you can get some rest which you really look like you need. You've got your big presentation tomorrow, haven't you?" He nodded as she smiled.

"Yeah," he mumbled and she lifted her chin.

"I'll take a chair into her room and be ready in case she stirs," she promised. "You need your rest. If she gets worse, I promise I'll call you." He smiled then, a melancholy smile that suggested he was recalling a similar conversation with Heather.

"Thanks," he said with relief. "And for the record, Astrid-you're doing a fantastic job."