Fifteen: A Fish Out of Water

Astrid stared at the woman who was pointing at her, recognising her as the mother of one of the more spoiled and unpleasant children who picked on Hanna intermittently and was one of Wartnut's cronies. In fact, Wartnut's Mom was standing other side, egging her on. She frowned.

"How precisely is this two idiots brawling my fault?" she asked acidly.

"Well, you were clearly trying to entice Jakob away from me!" Ophelia said, planting her hands on her red leather-clad hips and scowling at the former football player.

"Really? Really?" Astrid asked sarcastically. "How did I do this exactly when I was talking to Hiccup and keeping an eye on Hanna?"

"And why would you need to keep an eye on Hanna when I am facilitating this event?" Stella demanded icily.

"Because she's my charge, I'm very fond of her and I don't want her picked on by mean kids..." Astrid retorted sharply then cast a deeply unfriendly look at Wartnut's mother. "And especially when some miserable busybody comes in when the kids are playing happily and separates them, making all of them unhappy for her own personal reasons!"

"Thor must learn how to behave like an adult in a social situation..." Stella said superiorly as Astrid glared at her.

"Despite the fact that he's only five so nowhere near an adult and he's meant to be enjoying himself at his birthday party?" Astrid asked her.

"And I suppose you would allow him to play with whoever he wants and leave the other children to feel rejected?" Stella sneered.

"I didn't see anyone looking rejected," the Nanny snapped back. "After all, they were all playing happily until you parted them and said they had to play with different people. Now Wartnut is being mean to Thor, Hanna, Sorrel and Meri are all looking sad and no one cares about your plan to get Thor to circulate."

"He was favouriting your child!" Stella hissed and Hiccup frowned, his eyes narrowing.

"And you hate that, don't you?" he realised. "You, who claim to be a person who nurtures young minds, have deliberately upset the children in your charge and especially Hanna, just because I didn't consider you suitable for my daughter."

"And how precisely, am I supposed to enticed your lecherous boyfriend with his wandering eye and offensive suggestions?" Astrid snarled at Ophelia, who backed up so hard her heel turned in the mesh flooring, dumping her in a tangle of limbs, tiny miniskirt and skyscraper heeled Louboutins. "He came over when I was talking to Hiccup and started hitting on me. And he was told to go away and failed to take the hint. And anyway, you were chatting up that guy when he was away..."

The woman stared at the angry blonde-and burst into tears. Mascara streaked her overly made-up face and her howls and wet sniffs had everyone staring at her. Stella instantly knelt down by her.

"It's okay, sister," she said comfortingly. "You don't have to tolerate this male apologist's vicious attack..."

"And you can take a long walk off a short pier," Astrid growled. "The woman attacks me and blames me for her lecherous boyfriend's behaviour and then refuses to take responsibility for her own transgressions. What kind of feminist are you? If you are a feminist, you demand equality with men-not picking and choosing what you insist on and then behaving like a pathetic bimbo for the rest of the time."

"And you were the dowdy little blonde who was dressed in a suit and clutching a folder like a good little conformist tool of the oppressive male-dominated establishment!" Stella spat back. Astrid planted her hands on her hips.

"You were the crazed vegan misandrist," Astrid commented dryly. "The one who was wholly unfit to look after any child, let alone Hanna." Then they heard a scream and Astrid swung away, speeding to the rail to see that the children had been handed water pistols loaded with paint. Someone had the genius idea to play boys versus girls and Wartnut and his friends were attacking Hanna and the other two girls she had been left with. Hiccup started.

"Hanna!" he breathed. "No..." And he made unsteadily for the stairs but as he did, Astrid grabbed his arm.

"Wait," she urged him. "Wait..." He tried to pull away but Astrid was watching carefully as Hanna lifted her paint-pistol and then lunged towards Wartnut, firing directly into his face. The boy gave an indignant yell and howled in protest. The other girls joined in and all of them targeted Wartnut, spraying the boy until he was a multicoloured dripping mess. Thor stared at him and joined in before Wartnut's friend retaliated and a full on battle broke out. Stella stared at them and gave a yell.

"NO!" she shouted. "You are meant to be pacifists, only embracing non-violent civil disobedience not any sort of aggression..."

"Look who's talking," Astrid murmured as the facilitator raced down the stairs and slipped on the puddle of paint on the floor, going flying with her feet stained blue and red. The kids all shared a look and then converged on her, all firing paint on her without mercy, their rivalries forgotten. Thor was back at Hanna's side and Sorrel and Meri were looking happier as they all soaked the unwanted grown up. Even the Paint Factory Fun Leaders were not trying very hard to stop the kids painting Stella until they ran out of paint. The woman glared up at them in anger.

"You ungrateful little..." she began.

"TIME FOR TEA!" Mrs Badgerson shouted, gesturing to the table where there were sandwiches and snacks. Astrid helped Hiccup down and they helped Hanna-who was quite picky about her food-and Thor who was watching what his friend did with interest. They helped her choose meat sandwiches, cheese sandwich, potato chips, sausage rolls, sausages on sticks, French Fancies and jelly. But it swiftly became obvious that there was a problem when all the children tasted the food-and every single one spat it out.

"Daddy-this is horrid," Hanna told her father and he took a small bite from her cheese sandwich-then spat it out as well.

"Thor, it's worse than horrid," he said in a slightly slurred voice. "This isn't cheese, that isn't ham, the butter isn't...it's all fake..."

"I have sourced a plant-based meal that is 100% sustainable and should meet all their nutritional needs..." Stella said, staggering up, dripping paint. Astrid tried a French Fancy and pulled a face: instead of soft cake with buttercream and marzipan, the cake was crumbly and tasteless and even the icing tasted wrong. Mrs Badgerson gave a brittle smile.

"Time for the birthday cake," she announced and dragged Thor up. She extravagantly lit the candles and a sparkler on the very impressive construction that was shaped like a whale as the boy scowled.

"I wanted a dragon...or at least, a Viking longboat," he pointed out but Stella frowned and folded her arms.

"There will be no glorification of conquest and imposition of imperialist cultures on innocent aboriginal peoples," she said firmly as Mrs Badgerson stared at her in shock and then urgently and waved for the children to start singing 'Happy Birthday'. There was a pause and then Hanna loyally piped up, her little voice rising above the awkward shuffling.

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..." she began. The others joined in and by the last line, everyone was singing, even Wartnut. Thor blew out his candles and his mother helped him cut the cake. But Thor stared at it as it cut and then he turned to his mother.

"You promised me chocolate, Mommy," he protested. "This is all green..."

"It's an olive oil cake..." Stella told him as he sniffed and took a bite-then spat it out.

"It's yucky!" he said as Mrs Badgerson tried a bite and pulled a face.

"I was very clear on my instructions,' she said angrily.

"Trouble with the hired help," Astrid murmured into Hiccup's ear as Ruff and Tuff sidled down the stairs and sneaked up to their cousin, Huffnut-who was Wartnut's Mom. There was a moment of furious whispering and then the cousin leaned down to her completely paint-covered son and hissed some instructions. Wartnut frowned...and then sidled up to Hanna.

"Sorry..." he mumbled. "Mommy says I've been mean to you and it was wrong." Hanna frowned and peeked up at the dishevelled Huffnut.

"Yes it was," she said firmly. "Why?" The boy rubbed his ear, smearing red paint on it.

"Because," he shrugged. "You have a Daddy who loves you. That's not fair."

"You have a Mommy," she pointed out. "I don't now." Wartnut picked his ear.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "Wanna throw stuff at the crazy lady with no shoes?" Hanna nodded and grabbed a handful of her horrible sandwiches.

"Okay," she said and offered her plate to Wartnut to grab some ammunition. Eagerly, he snatched a couple of unsausage rolls. Then they both looked up at Thor and he grinned, then lifted his plate of disappointing cake and threw it straight at Stella.

She stared at him in shock and glared.

"Why you wretched little monster!" she snapped. "You really are ungrateful that I have produced a party that is fair and equitable and completely sustainable..."

"Excuse me! I booked this place months ago!" Mrs Badgerson snapped. "You have any idea how long ahead you have to make a Saturday booking?"

"Instead of last weekend as claimed," Astrid murmured in Hiccup's ear, grabbing his arm and dragging him backwards as the kids all screamed and started pelting Stella with cake and any other disappointing food.

"Stop this, you little bastards!" Stella shouted. "You wouldn't know good food if it came to bite you on the ass. This is perfectly palatable and good for you..."

"And that's the problem," Astrid commented as she dragged the drunken Hiccup back behind Ruff and Tuff.

"Yeah," Ruff agreed. "This is a party. And at a birthday party, kids want to be fed unhealthy snacks, sugar and chocolate. Not Goji berry juice, olive oil cake and fake cheese." The screams were building as the children rampaged, grabbing every morsel of food and threw it at Stella. Mrs Badgerson was running away as some of the boys were running after her with handfuls of cake and Thor had run to Hanna's side and was laughing with Wartnut.

"Why are you here, Ruff?" Astrid asked. The female twin shrugged.

"When I found out my evil little nephew was coming to a party, I knew the Terror would be here because they're in the same class. My dopey cousin is a terrible Mom so I thought I'd have a word as well because I know he's a bully and has been picking on Hanna. And anyone fool enough to hire my brother as a bartender can't have the sense they were born with so I needed to see what chaos was happening. And I was hoping to see you, bestie!" Astrid found herself smiling at the explanation, before she forced herself to frown.

"So why did you let Tuff give Hiccup that lethal cocktail combination?" she asked. "It melted the chair!" Tuff looked apologetic.

"Sorry-I must have put too much Cointreau in," he said. "That stuff is evil..."

"If it's evil, why give it to Hiccup at all?" Astrid asked in puzzlement as the kids found some more paint and started throwing it at their parents. Hauling her friends back, she saw Huffnut actually go in and help Wartnut, Hanna and Thor paint-bomb Stella. Mrs Badgerson had fled up to the Parents Zone where Ophelia was yelling at Jakob and Spitelout was trying in vain to chat up Ulric's lesbian Mommies, both of whom were making very disparaging personal comments. All the other parents were helping themselves to the drinks and the Paint Factory staff had given up on order and were refilling the paint guns for the kids.

"I think they may need to call the cops soon," Hiccup murmured. "I mean, you could probably hear this racket from Berserk..."

"Awesome!" Tuff commented.

"Not awesome," Astrid said with a sigh and fished her phone out of her pocket. She thumbed in a number. "Hello? Is that Sven's Viking Pizza? I need an urgent order to the Paint Factory. Yes, we need twenty assorted family sized meat-laden pizzas and one Superhot Veg Sizzler with added Jalapeños. And lots of extra cheesy garlic bread. And get them here soon! I'll pay on delivery!" Then she turned to the awestruck twins. "Tuff, Ruff-go to 'Johann's Stores' across the road and grab as many bags of potato chips, cheezie pufflets, cans of pop and juice and packs of sausage rolls and get back here before the riot police arrive!"

"On it!" Ruff said, grabbing her brother and running out. Stella was haranguing the kids and grabbed Thor and Hanna.

"Got you, you wretched little troublemakers!" she hissed.

"Let them go!" Astrid snapped, walking forward and pulling them free of her grasp. The woman was covered in paint and food, her temper well and truly gone and shaking with rage.

"This is all your fault!" Stella spat. Astrid blinked.

"How?" she demanded. The woman hissed in rage.

"You enticed him to hire you by playing to the masculine paradigm as a pretty little blonde rather than standing up for your feminist sisters and..."

"You mean I got the job because I'm qualified, compassionate and willing to take the needs of my charge into account rather than imposing my own radical feminist agenda on the family against their wishes and desires?" Astrid pointed out. "Yeah, look how well that went!"

"You..." Stella spat and lunged at them-but her bare feet slipped on the paint on the floor and landed flat on her face.

"By the way, I can't help being blonde-like half of Berk-and I am unaware of any feminist doctrine that dictates I put a bag over my head and dress like a hobo to get a job I am qualified for instead of dressing professionally and in a way that I feel comfortable," Astrid added as the woman tried to get up and slipped over again.

"We have food!" Ruff yelled and waved the bags of chips and cookies in the air as the hungry children continued to lob paint at the furious would-be Nanny.

"And drink!" Tuff added, brandishing bottles of soda.

"PIZZA DELIVERY!" a buff man added, entering wearing the brown and red uniform of 'Sven's Viking Pizzas' and a fake Viking helmet. He was holding a tower of pizza boxes. There was silence-and then the kids and hungry parents surged forward in a starving tsunami to grab the food and divvy it out. While she was paying with her credit card for the pizza order, Astrid noted the twins snaffled a couple of boxes of pizza and some garlic bread and beckoned Hiccup, Astrid and Hanna over. Huffnut and Wartnut joined them, as did Thor, Sorrel and Meri, who was determinedly clutching a family-sized box of Marauder Meatfeast Pizza as well. They managed to claim a corner with a couple of chairs for Hiccup and Astrid while the twins, Huffnut and the kids all sat on the floor, munching pizzas and getting along well. Ruff introduced Astrid to her cousin and explained that Huffnut had been abandoned by Wartnut's father and her new partner was pretty mean to her son, meaning that she had just left him. She was worried that the upheaval would upset her Wartnut's behaviour even more.

Astrid listened to her, feeling sorry for the woman and understanding her a bit more. A less successful member of the extended Thorston clan, she was working at minimum wage as a cleaner in the local Berk Hotel to do her best for her son while trying to get rid of her latest loser partner and as she was listening, she watched Hanna solemnly hand a slice of pizza to Wartnut and another to Thor, smiling as she took the last one herself. Grinning, they all tucked into the seriously meaty pizza, giggling as Stella was yelling at Mrs Badgerson.

"You said you were an expert with children! But this is a disaster! You upset my son, you served inedible food and what were you thinking allowing alcohol for the parents?"

"I never authorised the alcohol!" Stella snapped. "You approved that, remember? While I counselled that they would be better with pressed vegetable juice and chickpea chips! And it's clear you don't have the best interests of your son at heart, you corporate airhead!"

"That's it-you're fired!" Mrs Badgerson shouted to the sound of cheers from the children and most of the parents. Astrid leaned towards Hiccup who was drunkenly beckoning her closer.

"So that's why she only lasts a few weeks in each post," he murmured with a happy grin. "I had a lucky escape."

"You still drunk from that cocktail, Hiccup?" Astrid asked with amusement. He nodded with a smile.

"Tuff made a drink with more than enough alcohol in one sip that most have in an entire glass," he admitted easily. The male twin looked up and gave a double thumbs-up.

"I am an awesome bartender!" he agreed. "But I should have cut back for you, Hiccy..."

"Hiccy?" he mumbled with a small smile.

"Wow, you are a lightweight," Astrid commented.

"Always have been," Hiccup slurred back. "Heather used to tease me I was a cheap date." Astrid glanced over at the pile of pizzas.

"Not cheap at all," she told him gently. He grinned.

"And you were awesome!" he said, seeing the children tuck into the remaining garlic bread. "I mean, you literally saved the day. No one else was taking charge." She gave a self-conscious shrug.

"Always was the Captain of the Team-or a leader on the pitch-and a Nanny would be useless if she watched everything descend into chaos and just sat there wringing her hands," she reminded him.

"Can't see you ever sitting anywhere wringing your hands," Ruff said with admiration. "Ass-kick-strid."

"Ruff-no. Just...no," the Nanny said firmly. The female twin gave a grin.

"Sorry-got carried away," she admitted. "But one day, that name is going to be necessary!"

"I think so too," Hiccup told her loyally. There was a pause as she stared at him and felt her cheeks warm slightly. There was a lot of sincerity and affection in those unguarded words and she pulled herself up sharply, looking at him as he stumbled to his feet, then knelt by his daughter, helping wipe her face. Hiccup was a lonely man, missing his wife like mad and naturally gravitating towards his new adult housemate...but she was an employee, there to look after the child, not catch a husband. She had to maintain a professional distance...but she found that she couldn't quite push him away. There was something in those sparkling green eyes and his quiet struggle with his sorrow that called to her protective instincts and she found herself smiling back as he looked up at her and he and Hanna both waved.

"You were awesome, Astrid," Hanna said as Thor nodded and grinned.

"I wish you were my Nanny," he said as Hanna pouted.

"Mine!" she said. "Get your own!" Thor chuckled.

"Mom wanted that Stella woman...but she's weird," he told her. "Maybe, I can see when I come round? Friends?" Hanna grinned.

"Friends," she said firmly. Then there was a sigh as Wartnut slumped and kicked an empty pizza box. Astrid crouched down and looked at the unhappy boy, ignoring the twinge in her knee.

"What is it?" she asked as he sighed again.

"If Hanna's friends with Thor she won't be with me," he said miserably but Astrid shook her head.

"You can have more than one friend, Wartnut," she told him. "I'm friends with your Auntie Ruff and Uncle Tuff and with Hanna's Dad, Hiccup as well."

"But you're a grown up," the boy said miserably. Hanna and Thor looked up and both scooched closer.

"It's okay Wartnut," Hanna said. "Though you were very mean, I want to be friends with you as well-as long as you stop being mean."

"Me too," Thor added. The paint-splattered boy looked up.

"Really?" he asked hopefully. They both nodded.

"Really," Hanna said firmly and offered him her hand. Tentatively, he high-fived her and then they both laughed.

"Now shall we go and paint on the walls a bit more?" Thor suggested and the kids all got up, laughing and grinning and running off to grab more paints as Hiccup stumbled up and collapsed back in the chair once more, smiling happily. Unthinking, Astrid sat back against Hiccup's legs. Glancing around, she could see Stella storming out, Jakob and Ophelia still rowing and the other parents still whispering and looking suspiciously at her and she sighed.

"Just a routine Saturday afternoon," she commented as she grabbed the last piece of pizza. "And I will definitely need a day off after this!"