October 8th, 2017

I was sad. Really really sad.
It was Monday, obviously. They were the days I hated most because I had to go back to school.
Today I was extremely unmotivated and I hardly had the energy to get out of bed. All I wanted to do is lay in my warm little cocoon of blankets and contemplate the meaning of life. Isn't that edgy.

My alarm that I had put on snooze yelled at me again, jolting me out of my thoughts of literal nothing.  I turned it off while I held one had over my ears.
Another one of these days.
I had some days where my senses were put onto overdrive and everything was so much more than normal.
The tastes were stronger, touch harder and more flinch worthy, smells more powerful, colours brighter and the noise was unbearable. Everything was so much louder than normal and it hurt my brain and unusually sent me into panic mode.
When my senses get stronger, my rational part of my brain shuts off and I will automatically feel like I'm dying.
Usually to fix this I make the least amount of human contact physically possible, and keep my earbuds in almost all the time. During class I keep one in and put the other in if I need.
Most normally, I skip school, and a couple years ago, I would do things to make it go away. But not just the over sensitivity. All feelings.

I don't know why music helps, because it's just another loud sound. Jenny explained that when you have a sensory overload it makes first hand sounds loud as well as amplifying all background noises, hurting your mind. Music blocks all of that out and helps you focus on the lyrics and beat of the song, calming your mind.
I'm not sure it works so well, but I do it so I don't freak out or panic. That would be not so good.

I looked at my alarm clock and noticed I had just laid in my bed for so long I couldn't shower.
I groaned in pain, dragging myself out of the warmth of my bed and stretched. I immediately got dizzy and black spots danced in my vision so I could only see some parts of my room. This had happened every morning since I hit my head on Thursday.
I steadied myself on my bed, squeezing my eyes shut. I could feel my eyelashes brush on my cheeks as I blinked the stars out of my eyes.
I headed over to my closet and grabbed anything comfortable— my 10 sizes too big black sweatshirt with a tiny neck deep symbol on the top right side, and my only pair of loose black jeans, that weren't even that loose, but kind of looked like what girls called boyfriend jeans. I quickly ran my brush through my slightly greasy hair and scooped up my phone and ear buds from the floor. I put my music on shuffle and sighed in relief.

After packing my bag, I went to brush my teeth in the bathroom. With no noise to bug me, I felt calmer, although the mint toothpaste made my eyes water.
I stepped out to get my bag from my room and watched everyone running around the home, rushing to get ready for school. It looked like chaos, but I smiled nonetheless, because I didn't have to hear any of it.
I started walking to my room when my earbuds were ripped out painfully and the noise hit me like brick.

"You shouldn't be plugged in all of the time, greasy," Daren sneered a bad insult behind me. I felt tears well in my eyes. I was was so tired and he was so loud and my ears hurt. I wanted to turn and slap him then and there but instead I sniffed, and stiffly began putting my earbuds back in, but not fast enough to hear him ask accusingly,
"Oh my god you're not crying are you?"

I closed the door to my room silently and sat on my bed pulling my knees to my chest. That was my usual position I went in to calm myself down. I pressed my eyes into my knees.
I breathed deeply for a few seconds, then grabbed my bag and left through my window for no further distraction.

School wasn't much better. Probably worse.
There were so many people. So many that I hated. So many that didn't and never could understand.
So many shouts and yells and no mind to the 'psychopath' kid walking down the hall with red eyes and scowl on his lips.
I know the rumours. How can you not?
Psychopath, crazy, hears voices, does drugs, 'anorexic', will probably become a school shooter before the end of the year.
The feel of skin-on-skin started to get to me after the 4th person skimmed my hand so I pulled them into my sleeves and put my head down, glancing at the few students pointing at me. Another upside of the headphones, you can't hear the rumours being said behind your back.
I went to the bathroom before first class to splash water on my face and try to reduce the redness in my eyes so people don't also think I get high all the time. That's already a rumour, although I guess that one make more sense than the rest.

I went to class, with one ear bud in. I tried my best to concentrate and write notes, but when the whispers and giggles and the sound of chalk on the chalkboard became to much I put the other earbud in. My grades were pretty good in English so I guess it didn't matter much.
Next period I didn't want to go to. I hate geography and I have zero clue why I even chose to do it this year, other than the fact that I want to travel.
I trudged into class with both earbuds in and took my seat in the back, with less chance of my stupid teacher bugging me.
I wrote down the notes on the board and made sure I watched Mr. Armoni, so I wouldn't get called out by him. I don't know why he hated me.
I had my hood up so he couldn't see the earbuds, because he can't stand them. He started reading from the text book, which meant we would have to do some sort of project. I took an ear bud out and listened.

He read three pages before explaining a partner project. Everyone in the class whispered 'yes' and started eyeing their friends who would smile and nod at them. I just let my head fall forwards with a tiny groan escaping my lips. Of course that's what Mr. Armoni heard.

"Do you have a problem with that Di Angelo?" His sharp voice cutting through the air.
Heads turned and stared at me as the teacher glared.

"N-no," I stuttered and cursed under my breath, but obviously, it was louder than I expected because of my music playing in one ear.

"Excuse me?" He asked angrily, storming up to my desk. I so badly wanted to put the other ear bud in and block out the whispers from all around me. The screech of a chair on the floor. Tapping fingers.

"Nothing," I flinched at my wavering voice. I wish I had the confidence to stand up for myself. I wish I wasn't terrified to speak out loud. I wish I could just write what I wanted to say because it would be MUCH easier.

He glowered at me before turning and pacing to the top of class again, telling the class he was choosing partners. This time the groans around the class were louder than the cheers. He started pairing people up, and as I waited, I held my other earbud up to my ear so I couldn't hear what was going on around me.

"Ok, next is... Camilla and Nico," he said. My head shot up and I dropped the earbud of of my hand. He looked at me with a sneer but then saw my earbud.
I swore once more.
Mr. Armoni stomped up to my desk, fuming and making me want to blink out of existence.

"Hand them over di Angelo," he growled as I stuffed the earbud down my sweatshirt so it was out of view. My ears hurt. I wanted both in.

"I- I have a note, s- I mean, I h-have a note," I stuttered and crashed dramatically over my words. It hurt.

"Pfft. A note? You've got to be kidding me," he laughed and a couple kids snickered.
I reached in my bag and took out my one of a few laminated notes from Jenny that told the teachers things like leaving class, leaving school and using my earbuds.
He looked it over with a frown and then huffed and tried to rip it in half, but couldn't. The class laughed.

"This is very obviously fake di Angelo. No one has an excuse big enough to need to listen to music during class," he crumpled the paper.

"B-but Mr. Armoni, I-its not fake. It's from," I gulped, "it's from my psychologist,"

"No person in their right mind would write that excuse other than a spoiled brat teenager who fakes his illness and everything else he does in his waste of a life. Now hand the damn headphones over," he spat with one hand out and the other holding the crumpled paper. Fun.
I sat rigidly, wanting to scream but not being able too. I would never give him my 50 dollar earbuds willingly.

"Boy! Can you hear me?!" He shouted making me flinch. I needed a dark corner to hide in. I needed noise cancelling headphones and a forest with no people in a 100 mile radius.

Lost in my dream land I hardly noticed the teacher rip off my hood and grab my earbud from my ear and start to drag it from under my sweater. I unplugged it from my phone faster than he could take them so my phone was safe but my earbuds were stolen, and brought to his desk in a tangled mess.
My head pounded. My ears screamed. It was so loud. So much going on. Too much to stay sane.
10 minutes until class ended.
The teacher exhaled dramatically and listed off the last of the partners before telling us we would start our project in 3 days because he needed to explain the project in more detail and teach us some stuff for it. In the meantime he wanted us to meet our partners.
8 minutes.
My head was in my hands when a female voice cleared her throat in front of me. I looked up slowly.
She wasn't super tall, but taller than me, and curvy. She had perfect wavy hair that shone dark enough brown to be black and her almost gold eyes stared down at me from the front of my desk. She looked Hispanic, and could probably speak Spanish. She wore a face full of makeup, though it was neutral, with added eyeliner, and her hand were on her hips.

"You have schizophrenia." She said bluntly above me. Not as a question or anything. Just a statement to remind me. I nodded. I didn't trust my voice right now, it might crack.
She took a hand off her hip and looked at her perfect fake nails. They kind of looked like talons.
"And I'm guessing depression? Anxiety? Definitely. Of course you do," she didn't seemed dazed at all. Horrendously blunt. Maybe mildly interested, but she didn't show it. She grabbed a chair and sat in front of me. She didn't want an answer, I could tell.

"And you're freaking out you don't have your music right? Yeah, you're easy to read. By the way you need to wash your hair, it would look nice if you did. I'm Camilla," she held out her hand and waited until I shook it lightly. This girl did not have a filter, and if she did, she did not use it.
"Annddd you're Nico. Or do you prefer 'di Angelo'?" She said in a horribly amazing imitation of Mr. Armoni.
I shook my head, my hair falling over my eyes so I pushed it back.
6 minutes.
"You don't want to be here. You're going to leave without the teacher noticing? Yeah that's it, and then at break you'll probably sneak in here and take your earbuds back." She practically read my mind. I have no clue how. She must've noticed that my mouth dropped open slightly in astonishment.
"Yeah yeah I'm a great person, go away now," she shooed me with her hand so I stood up with my stuff and skirted around the back of the class and snuck out the door. No one noticed but Camilla.
I crept down the quiet hallway down to the janitors closet which I closed myself in. I sunk down to the floor with my back to the cool metal door.
Opening my bag, I pulled out my other pair of earbuds that were broken. I had them for 3 years without losing them once, and were so worn down that the white rubber covering the wire had ripped. The wire was now exposed and the plug somehow got bent  sideways so I always had to move it around to the right position to actually get the music to play properly. They've been through a lot.

After fidgeting with them for a few minutes I played my music and pulled my knees up to my chest for the second time today.
I kept an eye on the time until it was twenty minutes after the bell for lunch.
I left the closet and walked as casually as possible back to the geography classroom. I turned the corner to the classrooms hall just as Mr. Armoni was leaving, facing the door as he closed it. I darted back around the corner, and hid behind the lockers. His footsteps sounded loud and heavy as he passed down the hall. The whole time 'Bang Bang' by Green Day was cutting in and out in my ears.
He walked by me without acknowledging I was there. I let out the breath I was holding and prayed he didn't lock the class.
The classroom lights were off and it was dark inside because the blinds were closed. I looked through the small rectangular window to double check it was clear, and checked the handle. It was open.
I walked forwards towards his desk, in time with the clock ticking on the wall. I began looking around, opening drawers and shoving through each one. When I confirmed it wasn't in one of them I would do the same thing to the next.
The second drawer I opened I frowned in wonder, and pondered why on earth he would need a hammer. Weird.
I opened the top drawer on my right and saw my earbuds sitting on top of a ton of other crap he's stolen from students. Fidget spinners, elastic bands, a phone.
I snatched them up, replacing them with my broke ones, and then ran out the door. Making sure to close the door, I sped down the hall. I was turning back around the corner when Mr. Armoni started back to his room.

I put my earbuds back in my ears, playing my music without interruption once again.
I wandered down the halls of the school, but I soon got bored and went outside. It was cloudy today, but warm enough for a light sweater.
I arrived at farthest picnic table, at very back of the school's property.
I crossed my arms on top of the table and lay my head on top of them to rest for the 40 minutes I had left. Maybe if I rested, I could feel better for my next class. Of course the universe didn't want to give me peace and quiet.
A dark shadow appeared over me, the bright sun shielded for me. I glanced up, squinting, and saw long black hair.

The girl shoved me over to sit next to me and took my earbud out,
"Hey twat, looks like you got your earbuds back huh?" Camilla said with a happy smirk. I stared at her, a frown on my eyebrows and a look of plain confusion on my lips. What the hell was her problem? I just met her but she acts like we've been best friends since second grade?

"Um, I guess?" I told her with uncertainty. I looked away from her and in front of myself instead, rubbing the back of my neck. This was weird. I don't think I like her. She was strange and way too forthright for my taste. Ugh, extroverts. How can they do they talk so easily and make friends so easily and do.... everything they do.

"So you're like, crazy right?" She tapped her fingers on the wood, watching her acrylic black nails click. The wind blew through my greasy hair, ruffling it. It went through hers too, except smoothly.
The breeze was refreshing, yet sent a chill through my bones. I didn't really know how to answer the question so I stalled. Was I crazy? I don't think so. I hope.

"Um, I don't think I am?" I said and mentally cursed at my self for making my self sound unsure. Why Am I Like This?

"Ya, but, like, everyone calls you a psychopath,"  she had a weird accent. It was Spanish, definitely, but for being in New York so long, it was turning into a Spanish/New York accent. I think she lived near Brooklyn, it sounded a bit like that too, but that was kind of far away for her to go to this school.

"I know," I replied bitterly. It's gone through my mind over a dozen times. I knew.

"And you hear voices, though we've established that, I never got an answer."

"Yeah," I'll give her short answers. I didn't want to answer but it's not like I could not say anything. I can just imagine the new rumour blooming, Nico di Angelo, the psychopath, emo, schizophrenic freak with depression and newly added, the mute.

"And they like, tell you to kill yourself?"
I scoffed and then started a coughing fit. Camilla did not care at all that she was asking the personal questions. At all. She glanced at me strangely and went back to her nails, pushing the cuticles down. I didn't want to answer. She didn't like my empty answer though, and caught my stare, holding eye contact.

"Y-yeah I guess, sometimes," I mumbled. All I wanted to do was put my earbud back in my ear and fall asleep. Was it too much to ask?

"Cool. So you are crazy. Ever try to kill yourself?" She ventured. My eyes bugged out of my head. There was still no change in her voice. I was taken aback by that one. You didn't just go around asking people if they've ever tried killing themselves. You should know not to do that. It's kind of obvious. Common sense.

"What the fuck?" I stated, being louder than I ever have been with anyone at this school. This was beyond weird now. I couldn't tell if she was actually curious or an asshole. Or both.

"What? It's just a question. Learning about my geography partner..." she prodded, waving her hands to continue. This was stupid. I did not need to answer her.
I huffed angrily.

"No. I have not," I was starting to dislike her.

"Think about it?" Still. Zero. Emotion.

"If anyone's crazy, it's you," I was done with this conversation. And her.

"I'll take that as a yes," she foretold. She didn't care that this was not a topic I enjoyed talking about, even with Jenny. Jenny knew I thought about it but knew it was a sensitive topic. She didn't bring it up unless it was important. Camilla on the other hand...

"I'm leaving," I stated, standing up and grabbing my stuff. I put my ear bud back in and sighed in relief as I left the table.
My earbud was pulled out once more.

"I'll join you," her voice whispered in my ear, sending my head into panic. The breath blew my hair, tickling my neck. Plus it was too loud to be a proper whisper.

"Do you have any friends? I can't possibly be the only one you have to bug," I kept my head down, eyes trained on the grass.

"Excuse me, you're the one with no friends."

*****

I knocked on the door and waited patiently a step back from the ledge, on the stone porch. My sensory overload disappeared after a huge migraine in last period, which was thankfully my free period.
The door was thrown open and a small boy with a mess of curly brown hair crashed into me. I hugged him back and then picked him up into my arms and came face to face with his vibrant, ice blue eyes.

"Hi Nico!" Tobin exclaimed, eyes wide and excited to see me. He was normally calm for a 8 year old. I opened my mouth to say hi back, but a shriek sounded through the house.

"NICOOOOOOOOOO," Emery, the lively (to put it shortly) and always hyper 5 year old ran to me with the biggest smile humanly possible on her lips.

"Hi guys! You excited for babysitting tonight- wait, Em, did you get your hair cut recently?" I asked looking over her also brown curls. They used to go down to her back but were now just above her shoulders.

"Maybe!" She shrieked again, giggling manically, and ran away. I turned back to Tobin who was hugging me. Weirdly enough, this kid idolized me. He had no reason too, other then the fact that I've babysat him for 3 years. He loved when I came, and got sad when I left.

"Hey bud, what happened to Emmys hair?" I asked and he started laughing, throwing his head back.

"She got mad at mommy and cut it off! When mommy saw she locked herself in the bathroom and cried!" He exclaimed, giggling. Their mom tried to do everything to make Emery listen to her and like her but it never worked. Em was particularly rebellious for a 5 year old. Her mom painted her room pink but she wanted yellow so she coloured her walls with yellow pencil crayons and markers until her mom noticed. She got super mad. She also enjoyed breaking things and being too loud and hard for her to handle. Now I guess, cutting her hair off. She loved Emery's hair.
I went inside with Tobin and set him down when their mom, Jessica walked down the stairs in a red dress and heels, her husband trailing behind.

"Nico!" She exclaimed happily, she loved me. They lived a couple houses away from the foster home and asked me to babysit because I swore less than everyone else. And she thought I was polite.

"Hey Jessica! I heard about Em," I said as Tobin started pulling on me arm.

"Yeah, that." She sighed and ran a hand through her perfect blonde hair,
"that was not fun,"

"Well I'll take them from you tonight, have fun!" I said. I always got in a good mood here. I loved theses kids, and have been with them a long time.

"We will, and we'll be back around 1:00 is that ok?" She asked and I nodded. They go to bed at 8:30 anyways.

"See you soon!" I told them as they left and turned to Tobin.
"So what do we have planned today?"

A/n
Ahh. That was not good. I feel like there was no emotion. Was there emotion?? Anyways I TOLD YOU ONE WEEK AND I JUST MADE IT BY HALF AN HOUR SO YA BROS.
ok so I'm tired and it's late so I'll post this and go to sleep.
Btw Tobin and Emery are based off the kids I babysit and yes, The little girl rebels against her mom constantly, colours on walls, cut her hair off and breaks a lot of stuff.
Ok I'm sleepy, gn friends!

Word count: 4086

Thea