November 2nd, 2017

"Camilla, leave me alone," I groaned for the fiftieth time today. She was really intent on being my friend, and I really was not.

"No, but Nico come on. If we're going to be friends you have to tell me what it's like to have schizophrenia!"

"You are not my friend," I stated, staring at the paper in front of me but thinking of two nights ago. After I fell asleep, I felt a lot better, and didn't have any nightmares. Will stayed with me like he promised, and for a long time. For once, I got a regular nights sleep, without waking up every other hour.
He must've fallen asleep too, because when he woke so did I, as he was yawning. I watched him through squinted eyes, still half asleep, as he checked his phone and cursed at the time. He rubbed his eyes tiredly and stretched. Then he bent over and looked at his lap where I had fallen into in my sleep. Will froze, staring. It was to dark to see much, so even though I had my eyes open a tiny bit, he couldn't tell. He reached down slowly and touched my hair, and smiled like he had completed something on his bucket list. He leaned over, and his blonde curls tickled my cheek.

"Hey Nico, neeks? You gotta wake up bud, it's really late," he murmured in my ear. I stirred and sat up slowly and stretched as he did. I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand like a child and looked at him from a sitting position rather than from below. His hair was messed more than before and his eyes were droopy.
I probably looked the same.

"Hm?" I mumbled unintelligibly, my brain still not able to process words. I was probably still drunk at the time. He ended up lifting me out of the car and held me up once we got outside.
I had to give him my keys so we could get in and I told him where to go to get to my room. I kept stumbling and tripping and he kept shushing me so no one would wake up and see me semi-drunk and semi-asleep.
He got me into the room with only a few mishaps, and got me into my bed. He tucked me in like my mom used to, and left me with a good night.

I fell asleep for two more hours and woke up at 6:00, with a horrible headache, and the want to sleep for another 5 hours.

Camilla was no where near as good a friend as Will. I had very high standards now.

"Why can't we be friends! I'm you extravert friend that will take you to parties and make you do things you don't want to do!" She whined. She was hanging off my arm as I tried to leave the library and get to my locker. She thankfully had to go to something, but she had 10 minutes before she had to leave, and had time to follow me around. Unfortunately.
She was like a feral cat, one of the ones that would trail beside you for 3 blocks before wandering off to find something more interesting. Except she never got bored of me.

"Camilla we are not friends and I will not tell you what being schizophrenic is like, now leave me alone!" I tried pry her arms off of me, but it didn't work.
I guess I was kind of glad she didn't tell me things I already knew about depression and anxiety and shit like the first day we met. The first day we met was the worst day by far.

"I know you hear voices and get hallucinations, but, like, on a spiritual level, what is it really like?" She made one of those meditation hand gestures and snickered at herself. She covered her smile and glanced over at me like she really cared, turning her smile into a pout. She didn't. Care that is. And even if she did care, she did a bad job of showing it.

"It's absolute shit, now get away from me and go bug someone else," I growled, massaging my temples in annoyance.

Freak

And of course. Bianca loves showing up at the prime moments of my day. I internally groaned, getting fed up with the shitty day I was having.
I tried the technique of pushing away and blocking the voices like Jenny taught me. I didn't want to deal with this.
We arrived at my dented locker that didn't open properly, where I shoved my textbooks and binder inside, and slammed it shut.

Disgusting

"Well thanks for summing it up, Captain Obvious," she said sarcastically, waving her hands around like i just made a break through. Jazz hands.
"Also, did you know that we have an ambulance on speed dial because our school board has increased OD's and suicide attempt statistics? Who knew?"

I mumbled unintelligible curses. Of course she would tell me that. From what I was guessing, she knew of me in grade 10, and my 'reputation'
What an asshole move.

"I don't really care Camilla. Don't you have somewhere to be?"

"Nope! Not for five more minutes, also have you ever cut? Cause apparently that also happens a lot in schools," she seemed very intent on telling me things I didn't care about. Things she thought I should know.

"No I haven't," I growled.

"Are you lying?" She pressed. Her face was extremely close to mine, making me wince. Her breath smelled of peppermint.

"No, now please leave me alone," I got to the front doors, ready to leave and get lunch at McDonald's. Then find somewhere quiet to ignore the world.

"Oh come on Nikki," she punched my shoulder playfully but it made me flinch so hard I ended up 2 feet away from her. I rubbed my shoulder trying to recover.

"Don't call me that," I muttered before leaving her in the front lobby. I inhaled the cool November air and wrapped my arms around myself as I walked.
Even though it had been over 5 years, I hated being touched or hit. Even when it was for fun.
It's probably why I wasn't too big on hugs.
My dad's abusive tendencies always stuck with me, and even though I tell Jenny it doesn't bug me as much anymore, somewhere in the back of my mind it lingers, prodding and poking me, especially in my dreams. So, when any one playfully bumps me or punches me I handle it badly. It's all I can think of. I hate it.
It's also why I hate the assholes at my school so much. They bring back so many memories. And when they decide to beat me up, my dad is always there to join in.

Useless

I stopped in my tracks without trying to. I shut my eyes and collected my thoughts, swinging my bag around my shoulder, grabbing my earbuds from the front pocket. I would block out the voices anyway I could.

Piece of shit

I started walking down the sidewalk again, taking my memorized route.
My head bobbed to the beat of the song, thoroughly entranced until it was interrupted with a small ding, indicating I got a text.

Will; how you feeling today?

Will had texted me a lot more since Halloween a couple days ago, always checking up on me and making sure I'm ok. I like friends. I like Will, even if he can be annoying as hell and way too cheery. I smiled at my phone, and replied.

Nico; I'm ok, it's lunch, and I'm going to McDonald's

Will; I'm glad you're ok, I'm about to go into a lecture

He added an emoji and I smiled lightly. He was so childish.

Psychopath

I sighed heavily, wanting to be done with this.
I wanted to keep talking to Will to keep my mind off of it, but I think it would just make it worse.

Nico; I gotta go order my McDonald's, I'll text you later

Will; ugh darn, you were helping me procrastinate! Have fun, bye

I shoved my phone in my pocket and looked up, finding the McDonald's in front of me. I entered, my face guarded of all emotion. I pulled out a ear bud to order and put it back in while I waited for my food.

Failure

I massaged my temples again, pushing the thoughts away. They were fake, nobody actually thought this, it's just my mind.

That's what you think

I kept my eyes closed and focussed on pushing them away. I didn't realize I was being called.

"Sir? Sir? Hellooooo?" I opened my eyes and saw a girl waving her hand in front of me, trying to get my attention, a very difficult thing to do with me.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," I took my bag from her, and walked out of the McDonald's.
It took me 10 minutes to get to the little hill, that was just outside the schools property. I sat down and opened my bag, pulling out my food and savouring it.

Too Skinny

I growled at myself, rolling my eyes and flicking my slightly greasy hair out of my face. I flopped onto the dying grass and pulled my coat closer to me, to try and keep myself warm. It was getting colder by the hour.
I put a hand over my eyes and laid like that for a while, trying to concentrate on not being the crazy kid that everyone thinks I am. I've missed enough school as it is, I don't need to miss anymore.

Loser

I groaned and rolled onto my stomach. My body will most likely be covered in grass stains by the time I go back inside.
I finished my burger and fries, and closed my eyes. The voices were quieting the more I tried ignoring them. I could get through day, probably, without having a breakdown. It wouldn't be that bad. I've had worse.
Raising to my feet I stretched my arms above my head and arched my back, before bending back down to grab my garbage.
It was November now, which means that soon I would need a winter coat, as my last one was ripped from implications with Caleb.
I took in my surroundings while making my way down the hill. The trees had a sparse amount of leaves on them, and ranged from red to orange to yellow to brown. My feet crunched hundreds of them the more I walked. It was cloudy with only tiny pockets of light every once in a while, and the tree branches were rustled by the odd gust of wind. The grass the dulling under my feet, no longer the soft green it once was.
I loved fall, because I could wear my warm sweaters and jackets, the bugs were disappearing and the trees looked awesome.

I through my trash in the black garbage bin, and headed back towards my school with my hands in my pockets, trying to keep them warm. My music was calming and lulled me into a trance, so that I almost crashed into the door. I thankfully saw it in the last moment, and got ready for my next period.

--

"Jennyyyyyy, I'm here, get off your phoneeee!" I exclaimed, swinging the door open and hanging onto the door handle. She looked up at me, smiling and shutting off her phone.

"Hello Nico! Good mood?" She laughed and sat down on her chair. I shut the door and plunged onto the couch.

"Sort of, I don't know. The voices are there but I'm just ignoring them because I'm not in the mood for them today and I've eaten my whole chocolate stash in my locker so I'm reallly hyper, but I think I'm crashing, I'm really tired now," I pulled my bag off and used it as a pillow and lay down, looking at her sideways. Her hair was up, and she was wearing a warm looking white knitted sweater. I wanted it.
She pushed up her glasses that she never wore and sat forwards, elbows on her knees.

"Oh Nico," she shook her head and laughed at me,
"You like chocolate more than a women on her-"

"Nope nope nope, NO thank you," I said, covering my face like a child.

"Well Nico if you ever get a wife you're going to have to deal with that-"

"No I won't! Who says I'm ever marrying!" I said, like a child would, but really because no girl would want me anyways. The voices are right, even if I ignore them.

"Ok ok, fine. Let's talk about your week, you haven't been since last Thursday because Halloween was Tuesday, what have you been doing?"

"Oh well lots happened, I think, I can't remember it all, but after you left me and Will went to the cafe and it was cool. I was super nervous the whole time but he kept the conversation going super easily— I just said 'super' twice what is wrong with me?" I rambled and then got mad at myself. I was acting like a little kid. I hated that, I felt soft. It was like going back in time to the times with Bianca when I still had hope.
Jenny grinned. She loved when I was in this mood, she's told me. She always said she considered me like a son but was sad that she missed my childhood, and when she saw me like this she said it was like she got a glimpse of what she missed.

"Well that's good! Any bad days lately? Also are you and Will becoming, dare I say, friends?" She raised an eyebrow at me and wiggled it at me.

"I had a couple bad days, Sunday and Tuesday were the worst, but the other were just crappy. I'm fine though," I added when her grin fell. She doesn't like it when I have bad days, and feels she's not doing enough.
"And yes, maybe, and only maybe, me and Will are friends."

I said this much to my reluctance, but Jenny was ecstatic about the news. Her eyes lit up and she squealed. I know. She squealed.
"I'm so happy! See I had a good feeling about him and even though you didn't, I knew he was going to be good for you and that's why I got him to join our classes only-"

"Ok ok ok Jenny, no need to say I told you so, I get it," I chuckled.

"Ok I'm good, I'm just happy you made a friend?" She asked and I blushed very lightly. I thought back to Will after my panic attack, Will at the cafe and after the party two nights ago. I was lucky to have him.

"Yes," I mumbled. She smiled even wider. What the heck are girls?
She took a couple seconds to compose herself and then made herself serious again.

"Ok, so I'm glad you made a friend, but you said you had two bad days? Why?" She got her note pad out for this. She doesn't write down the happy things because she says she can remember it all because it always makes her day better.

"Um, well Sunday the voices were really bad, but I think I forgot to take my pills that morning so that was normal, and Tuesday-"

"Halloween? I thought that was your favourite holiday?"
I rubbed the back of my neck and she raised her eyebrow again, but for a different reason. I could tell her, and I could not. On one hand she would be disappointed in me if I told her, but she would know more about me and Wills friendship and how I didn't know what I would do if he wasn't with me that day, but if I didn't she wouldn't be disappointed and know less about how much I appreciate my friendship. Plus she hates when I don't tell her things. She wants me to trust her, and I do.

"Ok, well, it's kind of a long story, and I don't want you to be mad at me because I know you will and then I'll feel worse about what I did than I do already and I'm so so sorry and I worked it out but-"

"Nico! I get it. You did something you shouldn't have done, what was it?" She was braced for the worst. The last time I was as wasted as I was the other day was last year, and she was the one who picked me up. To put it shortly I had to listen to a hour long lecture about how that's not a good way to solve your problems and she thought I was over this blah blah blah.

"Ok, well I was having a really bad day, and I took the kids out and after I took them back I was so incredibly done with- with everything, so I went to a party that Camilla invited me too," I took a breath,

"Oh no, Nico," Jenny shook her head. I dropped my head and continued.

"I got really, really, really drunk. Bad. And it helped it all at first. But then for some reason I called Will and he got worried about me and came to get me. He took care of me after that," I muttered, finishing. She didn't like that I stopped so early.

"What do you mean, 'he took care of me,'? He didn't stay at the party with you right? He took you home? Got you into bed?" She was worried now, even though I was obviously fine and this was two nights ago.

"Well I was hungry, so he got me food, and then driving home I made him pull over and I threw up everywhere, and he stayed with me on the side of the road, and then he took me home, but I couldn't stay alone, so he got me in the back seat and put a blanket around me and we fell asleep. He got me up really early and into bed and left. Is that enough information?" I asked, describing everything that happened.
Jenny sighed and rubbed her eyes. I felt like sinking into a hole and hiding for the rest of my life for letting her down.

"You really lucked out with him didn't ya neeks?" She muttered looking up at me, smiling softly.

"Yeah," I smiled to myself as well,
"I guess I did."

A/n
Gross filler? That's what I do best!!

I'm sorry.
So I know that was a horrible filler but now it's over and you guys can wait for the next chapter that will be..... let me check.
Another filler! Wow!
I'm so sorry.

But don't worry, after the next two chapters there's gonna be DRAMA. You know you love it.
Ok so I'm starting high school on Tuesday and I'm absolutely terrified because like I went from a school that was tiny and with only 300 people (grade jk-8) and now I'm going to a high school that's huge with 4 grades and over 1000 people. My grade is 3/4 the size of my school. What do I do.
I don't like people and I'm terrified yay.
So if any of you are in high school please send help or tell me if you like high school and how it's been going for you.

I'm terrified if you can't tell.

Ok comment if you enjoyed (you probably didn't lmao). Have a great start of school, or random Tuesday?

Bye

Thea