Exhausted

"It's such a fine line, between feeling everything and nothing at all"     - K. Tolnoe

Mariana's POV

"What time do you call this?" Arthur asked as I strolled down the stairs
I called it 1pm
And I didn't care for his judgements
What was there to get up for?
I've got to attend this stupid fucking family meeting so here I am, dressed and ready.

"Leave off" I said simply, pulling my coat on
"When will you be back?" He asked
"I don't know, why, can't stand to be home alone?" I asked
"I wondered if you could ask Linda to come round" he said
"She won't be at the meeting" I said

"No, but you could find her" he said
"I could Arthur, I could also walk and keep on walking, and never come back" I said, shutting the front door behind me
I wanted to disappear
From all this shit.

•

"How are you doing?" Polly asked
"Fucking brilliant me" I said simply, crossed arms and leaning back in my chair, I wanted this shit over with.

"Mar" Ada said, looking at me with that face
That look of knowing
"You told her" I said simply
"She's worried about you" Ada defended
So worried she's telling Ada I'm pregnant
It was my business.

"No Michael?" Tommy asked, walking into the room
"Not yet" Polly said
Tommy nodded, sitting down as he looked at me
"And what are you doing here?" He asked
"Fuck off Tommy" I said
"Excuse me?" He asked
"You heard me, I'm done Tommy, if you want me to leave, I'll fucking leave, I don't care anymore" I said, standing up, trying to leave as quickly as I could.

I was sick of always being the one in the wrong
Of always failing.
"Stop" he said, grabbing my wrist as I walked by him. Stopping me

"Sit down" he said
"Why?" I asked
"Because I told you to" he said

I scoffed, trying to hold back the tears that wanted to come out so desperately
But I sat down. I was so done with it all.

With him
With everything
"That's all it comes down to isn't it? What you want" I chuckled bitterly, waiting for Michael to finally turn up.

"Tommy, I've been trying to think of words..." Michael said as he came in, cane in hand, the incessant tapping of the metal against the floor just another reminder to me of him

"Don't, words don't work" Polly said
I held back from rolling my eyes at her
Fucking grief. Grief for a man who's sat drinking at my house.
"Michael, we're in a grave situation" Polly began, but all I could focus on was Ada's worried gaze burning into the side of my head

I looked at her, only for her hand to find mine under the table and join them.
Comforting me.
"Tommy has a plan" she said, explaining that they planned to ship him off to America instead of Australia

Good riddance
He could make a life for himself out there, without the influence of everyone here dragging him down to nothing.
"Will I be coming back?" He asked

"Train leaves in an hour Michael" Tommy said blankly, refusing to look back at him
"You made a choice... you knew I was going to be shot and you chose not to tell me" he said.

We all make choices
I don't think many would blame Michael for his.
It was hard these days to choose Tommy.
To support that fucked up way of thinking
"I chose my mum" he said
"When all this business is over, we'll all be free to make our own choices" Pol said.

Will we?
"All of us?" I chuckled
I had no choice left
I had nothing left
I had two kids to provide for and nothing to do that with.

"Are you sending her away too?" Michael asked
"No Michael... I'm not" Tommy said
"Why? She killed Arthur" he said, gaining my attention
"She... isn't family, so she isn't my concern, you are, and your mother wants you safe. So as I said, your train is in an hour" Tommy said, dismissing him.

I stood up. Abandoning Ada's hand and heading past Michael
"Good luck Michael" I said, stopping to glance at him
"With a family like this, you'll need it" I said, walking out

I wasn't family. Fine.
Just another fucking thing to lose.

"Hold on, his lordship wants to speak to you" Ada said, catching me on my way out
I stopped, what now?
"Office" she said simply as I looked at her
I went to his office, sitting in his chair as I waited for him.

He eventually came, sitting opposite to me and thinking for a while before he spoke.
"Polly tells me you've been drinking" he said
"Polly told you everything has she?" I asked
Wouldn't be surprised if she blurted out my pregnancy to him as well.

He'd probably laugh at me
For being so fucking stupid.
For trusting Alfie so much. For putting my heart and soul into a man that nearly had me killed two days ago.

"She tells me you sleep the day away. That you and Arthur drink until you can't speak anymore" he said
"Well, maybe we just want to rid ourselves of the demons Tommy. You never understood. Not properly, you think you have problems?" I chuckled

"Arthur understands what it's like, feeling this" I said, holding my chest
"Feeling this disgusting weight... of guilt and shame and thinking the unthinkable" I said
"You think I don't feel that?" He asked
"I know you don't. You feel regret. But you don't feel this. And even he doesn't fully sometimes. You don't see the ghosts of your actions" I said.

"I do" he said
"I see Grace in every fire. At the bottom of every bottle" he said
"Do you see Greta? The girl you broke. Do you see me? Do you see that girl you shattered down by a canal and never fixed? Do you see the men you've killed? The children you've orphaned... do you lie awake at night and will the voices to leave you alone just for a moment of peace... do you see your mother?" I asked.

"...no" he said
"There you are then. You don't understand. You never will Tommy. Not until you break. And you will break, one day. One day you'll break so hard you feel it all at once" I said.

"Do you feel it now?" He asked
"You mean am I going mad again?" I asked
"Are you?" He asked
I scoffed
"Why don't you ask Polly, she seems to know everything about me these days" I said

"Why don't you ask yourself? Why don't you find that boy from all those years ago? Find him and ask him... does he see her, now? Does he see her in my eyes?" I asked

Silence.
As he looked at me and contemplated
"No. He doesn't" he said
"Then there you are, not mad" I said, feeling the water glazing my eyes begin to sting.

"You'll tell us though, when you do" he said
"You'll see it Tommy" I said
"You'll see it when I lose it" I said

"He came to see me... Luca" I said
"For?" He asked
"To tell me he won. To gloat. To show off that my husband betrayed me" I said. It was pitiful to think about
It was laughable to think about how much of an idiot I had been

Marrying him without a care in the world whilst he planned their murders behind my back.
"Did he hurt you?" Tommy asked.

"What do you care?" I asked, standing up
"I care" he said.
"When it suits you" I spat back.

"Do you know where he is?" Tommy asked
"You just have to ask don't you?... no, I don't know where he is, I don't want to know where he is" I said, I was still extremely angry with him.

Heartbroken was a better term.

"I'm going to ring Alphonse Capone" he said.

I stopped, looking at him
"When will you stop?" I asked
"When will you stop... when you're finally dead? When the biggest and baddest finally beats you?" I asked

"Do you know what your husband told me before he left?" He asked
"He told me that big. Fucks. Small" he said

"So you're finding someone bigger?" I asked
"I'm finding someone who can take Luca out" he said
"Didn't you watch the fight Tommy? While Arthur was getting cut into? Bonnie won. Small fucked big. One day... one day someone will fuck you Thomas Shelby" I said, heading for the door.

"And I have a feeling one day you will fall Mariana" he said, standing as I opened the office door
"When I do... Don't be there Tommy" I said simply, leaving.

•

"So, what happened? Did you speak to Linda?" Arthur asked before I even shut the door
"No. I didn't speak to Linda. Considering how today went, the last thing I wanted to do was talk to your fucking wife" I said.

He said nothing. Waiting
"Michael is leaving for America tomorrow" I said.
"America?" He asked
"Yeah, Tommy has a plan apparently. One I suppose will get you all killed" I said
"Not us all?" He asked

"As soon as Luca is taken care of I'm leaving Arthur" I said
"Running back to London" he said
"No... maybe I'll run far far away this time. Never look back" I said

"Well that won't work... we need you" he said
"Like a bullet in the head" I said.
"No. Like a sister, a daughter. A friend. We've always needed you, Tommy's always needed you" he said.

I groaned, leaving him to go into the kitchen
Bracing my hands against the sink as I took a breath
I don't care if Tommy needs me
It's not about what Tommy needs
What Tommy wants.

Not him. Not Pol, not Arthur, not Alfie

None of them.

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