Old habits

"Am I supposed to be grateful to have survived this"

2 months later
Mariana's POV

"Mar, darling please, you have to eat something" Polly said, sitting beside me on the edge of the bed.
I rolled over, ignoring her. I didn't want food. I wanted Alfie.

She sat for a while, silently.
I wanted her to leave
But I didn't have to energy to physically get her out of my house
She just continued to show up.
Again and again.
Like a fucking fly buzzing around you.

"Carter is missing you, he keeps asking after you" she said.
I missed him too. But I just couldn't...
I couldn't look at him. And that was a shameful thing to admit to myself
Because all I saw was Alfie's face in him.

And I didn't trust myself with him.
Not after the recent nights.

"You missed your doctors appointment as well" she said gently
I don't care, what doesn't she understand about that?
I don't care about any of it
I just wanted to sleep
Or cry.
Or both.

I wanted Alfie.
I wanted everything to be normal again.

"Just go" I mumbled from under the covers.
Another sigh
"Okay, I'll leave the plate here alright?" She said, standing up, the bed shifting.
"I'll be downstairs if you need anything" she said

I won't. Not from her.
She was still speaking to that fucking traitor
That murderous bastard.

Polly's POV

"Still nothing?" Arthur asked, I shook my head, he shouldn't be too loud, she might hear him.
"No, she won't eat, she won't get up, won't see Carter. I've had dozens of phone calls from his sisters about a funeral, I don't know what to tell them, they can't keep putting it off" I said.

It had been two months
And there was all this secrecy over his body, where he had been taken, when the funeral was.
Mar didn't seem to care about any of it though.
She either slept or she cried.

And then at night the actual task began
Because she was back to the nightmares
Back to screaming herself awake
Back to wandering the hallway and trying to get out, but I locked the door.
And so most nights would be coaxing her back into her room.

"What about the baby?" He asked
I shook my head
That was a no go as well.
"Do you think we should tell Tom? He might be able to help her" he said
"If he steps foot in this house, she'll slit his throat" I said.

It was her choice who knew about the baby. Not ours
And with what's happened, she needs that
The choice, and we needed to respect it. For her.

As Thomas was still frolicking on his holiday, it's not like he'd be much use anyway.

Mariana's POV

"Wake up! Mar!" I opened my eyes, to Polly shaking my shoulders, looking at me with fear
I looked around
I was in the living room, by the window
The smashed window
I looked down, and acknowledgement triggered the stinging sensation in my fingers

As they bled. Red dropping down onto the carpet
"Mar? Talk to me" she pleaded calmly
I didn't know what to say
What was there to say?

I didn't know how I got here
How I ended up bleeding
How the window ended up broken

"Arthur rang, he said you were crying? That you wanted to get out?" She tried to ask me
Slowly sitting me down on the sofa
Arthur... Arthur's so called 'shift' round my house
To 'look after me'
To watch over me.

"I don't know" I said simply, blankly
I wanted to go back to bed.
I wanted her to leave me alone. And stop looking at me like that.
Like I was crazy.

"Stop crying darling" she said sadly, pulling me into a hug, cradling my head against her
I didn't even know I was anymore.

Alfie's POV

"How much longer?" Ollie asked, stood by the bay window, looking out at the sea
"What?" I asked simply. Pulling my binoculars up to watch a boat pass
That's all life was now
Observing.

Being.

"How much longer do I have to come up here and watch the fucking boats with you? When are you going to ring her?" He asked
I sighed
"Maybe... maybe I won't lad" I said, gaining his attention
"What?" He asked surprised

"Maybe I won't. She hates me. And I'm supposed to be dead, remember?" I said
"But you can be dead and call her" he stressed, sitting down
"Alfie you can't let her think you're dead, she's not coping as it is" he said

"What do you mean?" I asked
He shifted in place for a moment
"That's why I came, she's not leaving the house, that Gray woman has got Carter, and two nights ago, there was word that her front window smashed. That she smashed her window in" he explained.

She what?
Polly had Carter? So she was still in Birmingham
"And Tommy?" I asked, trying to dismiss the anger and sadness that came with the thought of her.
"Still on holiday" he said
Holiday? The word almost made me actually laugh

And there wasn't much to laugh about these days.
He couldn't retire to save his life. Literally
He would rather die.

I thought I would too
How times change
How time changes someone.

"How are you?" He asked nervously, not looking at me
I blew out a breath, opting to look at the ships again.
"Peachy, I have lost vision in one eye" I drawled out
"I'm still dying. My face is fucked. And my wife is widowed" I said.

"Well, she's not, technically" he said
I looked at him. And he stopped prying
I didn't want to ring her
Mostly out of my own cowardliness
I was petrified of seeing her after everything that we had said

She didn't want me. She hated me. I hurt her and I had no clue how I could ever see her again knowing I broke her heart.

Part of me begged myself to pick the phone up, to call her and comfort her and help her.
Smashing windows?
I know they all said she... that she was different as a kid
That she didn't deal with things very well, but I had never experienced it.
Not fully

And I was worried to death for her.

Mariana's POV

"You have a visitor" Polly said.
I didn't answer.
"Mar, you hear me? Aila is downstairs" she said
Aila?
What's she doing here?

•

I dragged myself out of bed, sat in my dressing gown as Aila sat opposite me, prim and proper, done up like the lady she was.
It made me feel even worse.

"I wanted to talk to you about the funeral? I've rang and rang and you..." she stopped herself
"Well, Polly said you couldn't talk, so I thought I would come down" she said
"What about the funeral?" I asked quietly.
"We've got a date, next week, Thursday" she said

Thursday
A fucking average Thursday.
Like he was just anyone
A regular standard funeral huh?

"Okay" I said. Instead of everything I wanted to say.

"You're coming?" She said. Asked. Said. I wasn't sure.
Was I going?
Could I?
"Yeah" I mumbled. I don't know if I had the strength to go.
To take Carter and our unborn child and say goodbye. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

"Good, that's good, you can stay at our house if you... can't face going home yet" she offered
I nodded, my mind blank
"Sure" I said.
She nodded.

Polly's POV

"Is she..." she didn't finish her sentence. Wanting me to fill in the gaps for her now that she had gone back to bed
"She's struggling, wouldn't you be? If you lost your husband" I asked
"I have lost a brother" she pointed out.

"But yes, I would most likely fall apart too, but she seems... disconnected" she said.

"She's fine, she'll be fine and she'll be there" I assured her
"If you say so" she nodded
"When is it?" I asked
"Next week" she said. Next week? Even more time. Even more stalling.

"Why so long?" I asked
"We had things to sort through, we thought Mariana would want a say too so that delayed planning" she said.
Mariana did want a say
She would realise that one day. She was just too lost in her own sadness to think of anything else.

Alfie's POV

"And?" I asked
"She's not well Alfie" Aila said
"Why? What did she say?" I asked
"Nothing, that's the point Alfie, she's just a shell. She's completely void of any emotion" she said.

She shut down. That was understandable with grief
It didn't mean she was going off the rails. It didn't.

"Just tell her Alfie, this is so unethical" she snapped down the phone.

"No, just stick to what I've told you" I said.
"To fake your... to fake your death!" She corrected herself, lowering her voice to a whisper
"Yes, go back tomorrow, take her a peace offering or something, keep an eye on her" I said, hanging up.

I didn't know what to do
All I knew was that I was still in a lot of pain
But also that part of me was scared to see her again.

Vote and Comment
Thoughts???

•