Dead and Buried

"To be reborn, you have to die first"

Mariana's POV

Rain. Fitting really
I doubt the day Alfie Solomon's was buried would be a sunny one. A cheerful one
I felt nothing
Nothing at all.
No loss. No sadness. No pain. I had nothing left in me to feel anything at all.

That was until the coffin had came into view
And the tears spilled from my eyes without my knowing.
Stood with Polly by my side, rain hitting my face as I watched them bury my husband.
I had made no speech
Said no words to family and friends who offered condolences to me.

To Aila

No. I stood silent
With Polly Gray of all people for support.
What support? What could anyone do?
I held Carter tighter
Finding his presence comforting, his smell. His smile
His hair
I had missed him so much I hadn't realised until I held him again.

And now I never wanted to let him go. I cried and cried, silenced by the heavy droplets blanketing us.
Aila had been a rock.
As his other sister fell to pieces in her husband's arms.
Aila greeted, she smiled sadly, she comforted those who were sad to see Alfie gone.

And Polly stared down those who had only come to see if it was true
The business men who wanted to make sure he was gone.
That fucking rat Sabini who stood moments at the back of the crowd just for a glimpse.

There were no other Shelby's
And I was grateful for that. There would have been more than one funeral if that prick showed his face.

Eventually I was left alone by Polly as she took Carter, leaving me by his grave side as I shrunk to my knees.

And I sat there. For hours. Until the rain stopped
Until the mud sunk into my dress
Until I was a permanent fixture in the wet grass
Like a statue. Destined to look over the dead. Forever

"What am I supposed to do now then?" I mumbled, looking at the stone.

Alfred Solomons
In loving memory, of a husband. A brother, a father

My husband. Our boy's father
Our... baby's father.
I felt my stomach under my coat. The little bump appearing only saddening me further
"Alfie... what am I supposed to do without you now?" I asked
"Do all this shit alone?"

"Live in our house alone?"
"Miss you till I die myself?"
"Because I can't..." I faltered, lowering my head

I felt like every breath was stolen from me these days
Like making my chest move was physically painful
It was a challenge to draw breath every single time.

My body felt exhausted
Just coming up to London for the day had taken all of my energy
Then having to stand here and bury him
It felt like I was losing him all over again.
Like my heart was being ripped out over and over.

"I can't Alfie... I can't fucking..."
Air escaped me
And I choked back the sob wanting to be let out.

•

"Here" Polly said, pulling a blanket around my shoulders
I didn't know how long I had been here now
But I couldn't move
I couldn't leave him here
Alone

And go home...
To nothing
To no one
Forever
"Where's Carter?" I asked, looking at the engraved words I had mesmerised after all these hours

"At Aila's house. I thought you could use some company" she said, also looking ahead at the stone before us, sat side by side in silence for a while.
Before she pulled something out of her pocket, holding it out for me.

I looked down.
My ring.
"Where did you..."
I took it from her, tears pricking my eyes all over again
How could there be any left?
I put it back on my finger, where it belonged
Where it should have stayed.

"Tommy took it from Alfie when he... I thought you might like it back" she said.
I said nothing
What was there to say? Thank you?

"Are you ready to go home?" She asked
"And where is that Pol?" I asked
It felt wrong even being back in London without him.
"Wherever you're going to feel safe, where I can keep an eye on you" she said, taking my hand in hers.

"Come on, you'll sink into the ground by dawn" she said
I wanted to.
I wanted to sink and drown and not think about any of it
About Alfie
About raising two children alone.
Raising a child that Alfie will never meet.

Alfie's POV

"You're taking this too far now" Ollie said, grabbing his coat
"How was it?" I asked reluctantly
"How was... she's in fucking bits Alfie, she's an absolute wreck, I've never seen her so..."

"So?" I asked
"So lifeless" he finished, standing still
"There's nothing there anymore, nothing behind her eyes, she sat there when everyone left, just... sat there" he explained
"I left for here at 4 and she was still fucking sat there Alfie, you need to tell her" he stressed.

"I... I can't" I said.
She didn't want to be with me.
She was better off without me
I was going to die anyway.
I'm supposed to what? Tell her I'm alive and then put her through all the heartache again when I go?

Show her my fucked up face and beg for another chance after I hurt her again and again
"Why not?" He asked
"Because I'm fucking not Ollie lad alright? I'm not" I said.

He shook his head
"So what? You're just going to sit here till you die?" He asked
"If the ship sails" I said simply.
He sighed, walking out.

Mariana's POV

"It seems so... empty" Polly commented, walking off into the living room
I couldn't move
Stuck in the doorway looking around at the house
Our house
Our new house, for our new family
The house we'd barely lived in.

I turned around, walking out, back to the car
"Mar? Mar where are you going?" She asked
"I don't want to stay here" I said.
"What? Where are you going then? Are you coming back home?" She asked, getting in the passenger side as I started the engine

"No" I said.

•

This was home
Our old house
Where me and Alfie first kissed.
Where we first slept together
Where my father broke in
Where Tommy sent his wedding invite
Where Ada patched me up.
Where Evelyn used to help me.

This was home
For the good and the bad. I couldn't be anywhere else but here
"I'll um... I'll call some people, have your things moved" she said, I slowly made my way to the kitchen.

Sitting myself down.
Where Alfie would sit and eat breakfast
Bobbing Carter on his knee and waiting for me to come down and stress about leaving on time.

Pol stood in the doorway, seemingly unknowing of what to do with herself
"Aila said she'll keep Carter tonight, let you settle in?" She said
I nodded
Another silence

"Have you rang the doctor back?" She asked
I shook my head
"We'll go tomorrow" she said
"No" I said
"You need check ups-"
"No" I said again

She sighed
"You need to pull yourself up Mar, you need to go-"
"I'm not going" I said, ending the conversation.

"You can go" I said.
"No I'll hel-"
"Go" I said softly
She lingered
"Pol fucking go will you" I said exhausted.

She hesitated once more, before footsteps retreated and the front door closed
And I dropped my head to my hands
Crying at the table that once sat a family
Crying for the man I yearned for so badly
The man I needed more than anything right now.

5 weeks later
Polly's POV

"Do you understand what I'm saying Mrs Solomons?" The doctor asked
I looked at her, she didn't understand
That much was clear
She was a shell of a woman.
A wreck.

The girl I had barely seen in weeks
Carter must be forgetting his face at this point
She took care of him maybe once a week if we were lucky
If she was having a good day.

Otherwise Aila had him
Or Dorothy.
Or her sister.
I had to resort to bolts on the outside of the house
So she wouldn't let herself out in the night.
So she wouldn't... hurt herself.

"Mar, Mariana?" I said, rubbing her forearm
"Do you hear him?" I asked
She nodded once again.
"Yeah... twins. Got it" she said, eyelids flickering.

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