Unsettled secrets

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"                 - Oscar Wilde

Mariana's POV

I had a terrible nights sleep
Carter wouldn't stop crying
Alfie rolled in around half 12, and was then up coughing all night

"Come on, eat something Carter, please" I said, exhausted as I fed him his breakfast
"Morning" Alfie grumbled, trudging into the kitchen
"Morning" I said simply
"You still mad at me huh?" He asked, sitting down with great effort.

I didn't respond to his question
Because I was
We were supposed to have dinner together
And he left me waiting up for him without a phone call or any knowledge of where he was.

"Come on dove, I'm not in the mood" he said, rubbing his chest as he sat back
"Yeah, I got that when you didn't come home last night until the early hours of the morning" I said
"I was driving back" he argued.

"But where were you to begin with, no meetings run that late Alfie" I said
"I was just working" he said
"Time ran over" he went on
He was lying
I stood up. Picking Carter up and abandoning his food.

I had to drop him round to Lizzie soon
"Where are you going?" He asked
"To change Carter" I said
"Mar" he groaned
"Talk to me when you want to start being honest" I said, leaving the room.

•

"I'm going to see Tommy, I'll be back soon" he said, leaning against the doorframe
"Okay" I said, not bothering to face him, focusing on dressing Carter
He sighed, before I felt him behind me, hands on my waist and face in my neck
"Stop this, let's have dinner tonight instead hm?" He asked.

"Are you going to tell me what you were doing yesterday?" I asked
"I'll... I'll tell you tonight" he said
"Fine. Dinner it is then, don't stand me up this time" I said, he nodded, leaning down and kissing my neck
"Promise" he said.

"And please go to the doctors later" I said
"I'm fine" he dismissed
"You were up all night coughing with chest pain, you're getting slower than usual and your psoriasis has been playing up, go to the doctors" I said, turning around
He looked fed up, but reluctantly nodded
"Good" I said, pecking his lips.

•

I put my knife in my boot, grabbing my bag ready for Changretta today
Arthur was meeting that dead lad's mother today, which was obviously a trap
But Luca was smart
He wouldn't bet all his hopes on Arthur.

I felt like there was something else at play here
"Mar? You still here?" I heard Alfie call, appearing in the kitchen, clad in his bulky coat and hat, cane firmly in hand
"Where's Carter?" He asked, looking me up and down
"Lizzie's, I was just about to leave" I said, he nodded, putting his free hand in his pocket.

"Right, well, panic over, Tommy wants me to find a fighter" he said
"A fighter?" I asked. I thought that Bonnie lad was a distraction of sorts, I didn't think he actually wanted to pursue him
"Yeah, he's setting up a match" he said

"Oh, who are you going to give him?" I asked
"Goliath most likely" he said
"Really? The boys a mountain" I chuckled
"Exactly, easy money" he said
Granted Bonnie could pack a punch, but the lad was tiny

And Goliath. Goliath was too strong for his own good

"I'll make sure I bet then eh?" I smiled
He hummed, just looking at me
"What?" I asked
"You look beautiful" he said
I scoffed
"I'm off to snipe an Italian" I chuckled

Beautiful was the last thing I was thinking about when I got ready
"But thank you, I'll see you later" I said, kissing him quickly before making my way down the hallway.

"Oi" he said, appearing behind me
"What?" I asked, only to be pulled in as he kissed me slowly
"Can't I kiss my fiancé goodbye?" He asked, pulling away.

•

And here I sat, atop a balcony as I looked through my scope at the people below us
Johnny was mouthing off about meat
Arthur had entered the mother's house
Tommy was no where in sight
And Finn was on a ledge on the other side of the estate

This was boring me to death
I had other things to do, plans to put in motion.

I was sat here for around 15 minutes doing nothing
Nothing but looking at people
Until a car rolled into the courtyard
And everyone perked up

And then... it eventually reversed.
Reversed? Why would they leave?
They didn't want Arthur?

Why would they set this up and do nothing?
Everyone was here... everyone except... Michael

"Shit" I hissed, running through the building as quickly as I could, rushing down to the car
Michael.

I drove out the courtyard as fast as I could
I wasn't sure if everyone else had figured it out yet, but someone needed to go and save Michael and we couldn't afford to wait around for each other
He was shit at protecting himself as it is, but right now he was practically bed bound
He didn't have a hope in hell.

When I did eventually get to the hospital, I rushed in to a pile of dead bodies by the door, and a shaken Michael sat on his bed
"Michael" I said hesitantly
He looked up
"Michael, where are they?" I asked
"They left" he said.

I blew out a breath of relief
"What do they mean by you have a deal?" He asked
"What?" I asked, shifting my gaze to him
"Luca, he said to tell you, and mum, that you have a deal" he said, glaring at me.

So now he knew
The question was, was he going to tell Tommy?

Speak of the devil
He cut off our little interaction by bursting in with Arthur and Finn in tow
"Michael, are you alright?" He asked
"Yeah, we scared them off, they just left" I said, never taking my eyes off of Michael

I know Polly wanted him to tell Tommy
To prove his loyalty
But that didn't mean we had to help him, we had to make it realistic for him
To make him think he was either with Tommy or against him.

"Yeah, yeah they left a moment ago" he said, choosing to say nothing else
Tommy nodded, looking around before his eyes briefly met mine
A knowing look of Michael's deceit

•

"I don't understand how he doesn't fuss with you" I said, bobbing Carter in my arms
"What can I say? I have a certain way with kids" Lizzie shrugged
"Too right you do, I'll have to move you in with me at this rate" I chuckled.

The doors opened once more behind me, but this time Lizzie didn't look up with a happy expression
She seemed... unimpressed
I glanced over my shoulder, to see May following Tommy into his office

"The lady has returned?" I asked
"Yeah, don't I know it" Lizzie grumbled
"Oh come on Lizzie, it's been ages, Tommy doesn't fuck with her like that anymore" I said
And by the sounds of it, he wasn't too keen on going the same way with Lizzie

"No I'm not having it" she said, standing up
"Lizzie, what are you going to do? Go in there with some excuse and end up making a fool out of yourself, just leave them to it, he's hardly going to bend her over his desk is he?" I said, settling Carter

She fidgeted for a moment, before heading towards his office anyway
I sighed
The girl is hopeless

And so I sat alone
Looking around, my gaze landing on Polly looking... stressed on the phone
I stood up, walking into her office as she put the phone down
"Pol?"
"He's threatening Michael" she said, straightening her face out.

"What are you going to- Pol" I said, as she pushed past me
"Fuck him" Lizzie grumbled, storming out of the office, grabbing a bottle of gin from under her desk
"Didn't go well?" I asked, rocking Carter

"Fuck him, fuck him and his whore" she said
"Lizzie" I sighed, she downed her glass
"Lizzie stop fucking drinking for the love of god" I said
This is all we needed

"Read my leaves Pol, you haven't done them in ages" she whined
Fuck sake
"Go get me Tommy's schedule" she compromised

I give up
"Go on, do mine an all" I said, pouring myself a cup

Pol looked through them
"Switch to stout" She told Lizzie after a while
"Why?" She asked
Stout? She wasn't?...

"A baby?" I asked unsure
Pol nodded, whilst Lizzie stood there dumb struck
"And mine?" I asked
"Yours Mar... well yours would suggest you start getting onto stout" She said

"What?" I asked
I certainly wasn't pregnant
"Pol I'm not-"
"No, but you will be" She said

•

Of course she'd be here
Hidden away in Tommy's world
"Nice?" I asked her, strolling into Tommy's make shift distillery
May hummed, sat upon a table as she lowered her glass

"Very sweet" she said
"Yes well, you'd think all the time he's had he'd have got it right by now" I said, pouring myself a glass
"What are you doing here?" She asked curiously
"I could ask you the same question" I said, pulling myself up to sit on a wooden table across from her.

"Tommy asked me to wait for him" she said
"Mm, and which Tommy are you waiting for exactly?" I asked
"Meaning?" She asked back
"Meaning, Tommy is a shell of a man May, whoever you're waiting for, he doesn't exist. Not a loving Tommy, not a changed man, not the man you met all those months ago. He'll never change, no matter how much hope you hold out" I said.

"Anyone would think you cared for my feelings Mariana, that or you are acting on your own" she said
My own feelings? I didn't have many towards Tommy anymore
Respect had gone
Sympathy was dwindling.

I'm not sure where I stood with Tommy anymore
The friend I once knew was fading away
Drowning in grief and work.

"Believe me or don't, but I'm thinking of your feelings here May, you deserve someone to treat you with respect and decency, and no matter how much you push the thought away... you know he is still grieving his wife" I said

"Yes, and I know exactly what it's like to lose a partner" she said
"To have your partner shot? To put their death on your conscience and live with it everyday, raising their child and having nightmares about them?" I asked.

She just looked at me
She really wasn't phased by Tommy's current state
"Do what you wish then, you're an adult. If you want to hurt yourself, I cannot stop you from doing so" I said

"I don't wish to hurt myself, Tommy just provides something no other man can" she said
"And what would that be?" I asked

"A night of pure passion and difference. Something you never dream of because you never knew you needed it. No matter what state he's in, he's full of this... need for something, something to complete him. And I know that isn't me. I don't sit around dreaming of becoming a Shelby wife believe me. But sometimes, it's nice to let go of your life for a night, to be someone else" she said.

I hopped off the table, putting my glass back
"Tommy always ends in hurt. He tries, he truly does, but he hasn't mastered any kind of relationship so far without pain. And that need you speak of" I said
"That need is for his wife. Grace was something so special to him because she was broken inside out just like him. And he's never found that since" I said.

A lonely world was a sad one
And Tommy was the saddest person I had ever known

"Thank you for your concern Mariana" she said
"And thank you for actually talking to me" she said
"Thank you for the insight" I said simply, heading back out towards the canal

Tommy needed to rebuild his life
He couldn't keep throwing himself into work, ignoring his issues

•

I was exhausted when I got home
Putting my feet up on the coffee table whilst Carter finally slept
The dogs were curled up by the fire and I was wondering where Alfie had got to

Alfie's POV

"Are you listening Mr Solomons?" The doctor asked
"Uh, yeah yeah, I heard you" I said
But how could I tell Mar?

Mariana's POV

Alfie still hadn't come home
So instead of bribing Finn to babysit and getting ready to go out, I decided to make dinner for a night in together
Carter was out for the count, so I prepared the table and dressed up for when he finally did come home.

"Dove" he called out quietly
"In here" I said, fixing the plates, before turning to face him as he appeared in the doorway
"Oh, you look beautiful darling" he said
"Thank you, I thought we could have dinner in?" I said, gaging his reaction.

"Uh, yeah, yeah sure" he said, pulling his coat off
"How was today then? How did the doctors go?" I asked, trialing into the kitchen to get the food
"We can talk about all that after dinner eh? Let's enjoy tonight" he said.

"What? Did something happen?" I asked
He looked away slightly
"It did, what happened Alfie?" I asked
"Nothing Dove, let's just eat" he said

"No, tell me, you're lying to me alot recently, I know you weren't working the other day, somethings clearly happened at the doctors, just tell m-"

"I have cancer" He cut me off.

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