Ari's POV

I woke up to empty sheets, sweat licking down my spine. I can't draw enough air in my chest, and although I know why, I try not to think about it too much. But as soon as I close my eyes, it's vivid as day: a face upturned, lipstick smeared and eyes wide, blood stains on white sneakers. "Nate?" I sound more uncertain than I would've liked to, and I cringe.

After a couple moments and no answer, I call again, this time more urgently. I'm pulling off the covers and slipping into my slippers when the room door opens and Nate steps in. "Hey, I woke up a bit earlier and made you some t-" he stopped, looking at me closely. "Ari, what's wrong?" He seemed worried, but for a second I thought I saw a look of contempt, of anger in his eyes, but then he blinked and his eyes were the same soft green they always were.

"Nothing, it's just that you weren't here when I woke up and..." I trailed off, unsure of what I even wanted to say. I reached out, thumbing the tattoo on his wrist absently. A serpent eating its own tail. An ouroboros, my mind supplied.

"You had the nightmare again, didn't you?" I gave him a nod and accepted the mug of tea he eased into my hands. I took a sip, effectively burning my tongue. I drew in a harsh breath at that, trying to soothe my abused tongue and he chuckled.

I cleared my throat, "What freaks me out is that I feel like a know her, because I feel this pain, this sense of wrongness when I try to pull her face into focus," I lift my arms to abruptly in exasperation, letting them drop to my side after a second as I'd watched Kaylah do a thousand times before.

"Are you sure you're this isn't your mind's way of externalizing your feelings about Kaylah with this?"

I thought about it for a second. It's not like I've never had my feelings projected into real action nightmare, so why couldn't it be the same this time? I internally groaned realising I'd missed an appointment with my psychologist yesterday and wondered if there was any point in even rescheduling it. Or the two before it I couldn't make myself go to either. I shook my head, there was no point to them anyway.

I glanced at Nate and saw him give me the lost puppy look whenever he could tell I was entertaining a conversation in my head he couldn't be a part of.

I gave him a small smile, "Yeah, you're probably right. I'm actually meeting up with Kaylah today, so that might fix it," I got up and made my way to the bathroom.

Before I closed the door behind me, I asked without turning to see his face, "Did the rest ask about me?" I'd slept in, and they were bound to have wondered.

The sigh he gave me before answering was enough to make my stomach drop "Well, Iustin and Caroline did,"

I shut the door and stared at myself in the mirror for a long time.

xxxx

By the time I was in Nate's car, I wasn't sure how I was still keeping it together. You'd think that the people you'd spent almost every day joking around with for over two years would at least have the decency to say a good morning or at least answer to a goodbye.

I should've seen this coming, but after last night I didn't, and it felt like a slap that left my ears ringing. Because while yesterday they'd at least offered some fake sympathy, today all I could see when I looked at Skylar was bitter rage; and so it went with everybody else, because when Skylar does something they follow. Watching Iustin and Caro try to bridge that gap, desperately trying to create some common conversational ground was painful, so I did everyone a favour and asked Nate of we could leave early.

And that's when I walked into Seth. One headphone in, hair in his eyes, and a faraway look in his eyes that always made me wonder whether he was looking at me or right through me. I tried to push past him in the narrow hall, shoulders brushing, and suddenly he grabbed my wrist.

"You don't have to go, you know" now he was definitely staring right at me, eyes wide and uncertain. His fingers kept brushing my wrist, and it made me uncomfortable. I burst into laughter, a bitter, ugly sound, and pulled my wrist away so abruptly he jerked away as if I'd slapped him.

"Oh really? Because by this point you might as well have pushed me out the door,"

"That's not true," but he didn't seem very sure of it himself. I scoffed and didn't look back.

I'd never quite understood him, and his odd gesture here and there was even more confusing. Like checking up on me when I missed school for a week straight and sending me pictures that made me laugh so hard my cheeks hurt; then acting completely indifferent the day I show up at school again. Offering to pick me up and drop me off after the work experience scheme we're doing, although it's way off his route. And small moments like this one, when he seemed to actually care. We'd grown close lately, especially since Kaylah and I stopped talking and Seth Malik and I all started going on the same internship. The boys were there, making me smile and laugh; but whenever the rest came into the picture, I faded into the background.

I was twiddling my thumbs, pulling at the cuticles; it was an odd habit I'd picked up at some point from Kay and I didn't seem able to get rid of. Staring out the windshield, I remembered how Skylar pulled on my arm the other night, half-heartedly asking me to stay, and how I wish I would have taken her up on it. Maybe it would have stopped whatever made her drop her pretence from happening. I hate myself for wishing I still had their pity. My phone pinged, and I was mildly surprised to find a text from Seth. I ignored it.

It was too hot and too cold at the same time, my face burning and my lips dry, while my fingers felt frozen. It was too loud inside head and too quiet outside it.

Nathan seemed to sense I needed something to keep my mind busy, and turned on the radio, shifting through the stations of old school rock, poor excuses of Eminem copycats and electronic music that made me want to smash my head against the dashboard until he found a cross between classical and some new style of pop wannabe I'd never heard before. To say it was bad would have been an understatement, but it would do. I took my phone out and pulled up Kaylah contact. Her text said 6pm at Bailey's, but that was still four hours away, and I really didn't feel like moping around for another three after I got back home.

I shot her a quick text, asking if she could meet me for lunch instead of dinner. When 15 minutes had gone by and I hadn't gotten a text back, I raked a hand through my hair hard enough to hiss from the roughness. We were pulling off the highway when my eyes went back to Nathan, "Could you drop me off downtown? The last thing I want to do is go home and have my parents interrogate me,"

I could swear his fingers grabbed the steering wheel a bit tighter, as if he's rather take me to his place, but I might've been imagining it; his hands were perfectly relaxed on the wheel as he said, " Are you meeting Kaylah earlier? I thought you'd said 6,"

"Yeah, she asked me if I could make it for lunch," I lied without missing a beat, not entirely sure why I felt the need to. Truth be told, I was hoping I'd run into her, or at east one of her friends, because I needed someone to talk to who wouldn't question be about the last two days.

I must've spaced out for a while, because the next thing I knew I was telling Nathan to take a right and drop me off on corner with 7th Avenue. "I can come pick you up afterwards and you can have your suitcase then,"

"Nah, I'll be alright. My parents offered to pick me up afterwards, and plus dragging a suitcase around here would makes for a good conversation starter," I gave him a chaste kiss, and almost jumped out of the car with what I hoped looked like excitement. I probably failed to look anything but skittish, but he didn't seem to notice. He was staring rather intently at his phone screen, face.... blank? Unnervingly calm? Before I could ask what was wrong, he faced me, a cheeky smile lighting up his face. I was too distracted to wonder whether it was genuine or not.

"Well, it sure is a good opening for the whole 'haven't seen you around before' pick up line variety"

That startled a short laugh out of me, and he smiled, "Text me to let me know how it went?" I nodded and was silently thankful he was giving me the space I needed.

It's a short walk to Bailey's from there, but I'm walking slowly. Partly because I would rather not run while dragging a suitcase, and partly because I wanted to delay the moment as much as possible. What if she was already there having lunch with someone else? What if I run into Jon and he starts asking me why I'm here so early? It would be too awkward to call Nate and explain that I needed a ride home after all.

My phone vibrated against my thigh, and I wrestled the phone out of my pocket with some difficulty. I should really invest in some better jeans.

Kay: Yeap, sure. I'm already here.

I wondered what I could possibly text her back. Saying I was just around the corner because I was going to wait around until 6 and just hope she'd show up sounded a tad too desperate. So I simply walked the few more paces to the door, and pressed my hand against the handle.

She was in her usual chair on the far side of the bar, talking to someone with a wild mane of poorly dyed black hair and an obscene number of rips in his jeans. Jacks. I had half a thought to turn away and come back later tonight, but he must've sensed me staring and turned. And froze. Kaylah noticed and turned around, looking confused.

The moment she spotted me, she started gesticulating for me to come in rather widely, swishing her drink dangerously with the motion, a coy smile spreading on her face. As I carefully made my way in between the crowded tables while dragging an overflowing suitcase after me, she turned to Jacks, and said something that made him relax somewhat.

I stopped in front of the pair, standing rather awkwardly for a couple seconds before Jacks got up, offering me his seat. "Don't forget to keep me in the loop Jacks," Kay gave him a conspirative look, which he promptly returned, "Wouldn't dream of it," then he turned to me and, rather mockingly , tipped his imaginary hat "Milady," I nodded, and then he was off.

Kaylah waved for the bartender, and I noticed with some relief it wasn't Jon. I honestly didn't think I could stand any more stares for the day. And then her gaze was on me.

"So," she seemed to be considering whether she should cut straight to the point and decided in favour of it; she's never been much for stalling.

"Why are we here?" she didn't look angry, which was a start. But she wasn't exactly smiling either.

"I'm just looking to make peace," I stopped midway through my sentence, and she gestured for me to continue, "And I thought I'd rather do it face to face,"

I paused for a couple seconds, and she lifted her eyebrows, "Well, that's a first," she gave me a short, genuine laugh I hadn't heard in ages, and I felt at home.

Kay shifted slightly, pulling her phone out of her pocket and setting it out in front of me. It was a habit we've developed to let each other know we're ready to give the conversation our full focus. I copied the motion, then continued. "I'm not going to apologize for what I've said, because it's true. It's my business who I date, and I don't need you looking out for me, but I get where you're coming from-"

"Except you don't. Well, not really," she sighed and took another sip of her drink. Then, she pulled a mint tin out of her pocket. She opened it to expose a single yellow pill. "I'm going to tell you some things, and I want you to listen first, okay?"

I nodded, unsure of where this was going, "This is a strong antipsychotic. Gage gave it to me," she leaned in a bit closer, staring at me intently, "Have you ever seen Nathan carry an orange pill bottle?"

"You're kidding. Gage gave it to you and you believed him?" what the hell do you even answer to that?

A single nod and a sigh. Then she reached in her pocket and pulled out a polaroid of two boys, hands around each other's shoulders, smiling at the camera.

"Where did you get this?" I pulled the picture closer, looking at the one holding the camera. Brown curly hair, dimples. And on his left, the same green eyes I'd been staring into just this morning. Gage and.... Nate.

"Where did you get this?" I asked again, my voice rising. I was angry; with her, with Gage, with Nate, with myself. But she kept staring at me, not saying a word.

"That proves they know each other, and you're more interested in where I got it from?"

I took in a deep breath. There should be a reasonable explanation for it. Shouldn't there? "Okay. So, they know each other. So what?" I tried to look unaffected, but inside I felt more uncertain and alone than ever.

She just blinked, studying me. After a long moment, she said "You said they didn't know each other. Why would Nate lie if he's got nothing to hide?"

I had no answer to that. At least not yet. I felt angry, confused, betrayed.

"Did Gage give you this before or after you fucked him?" that snapped her out of her silence, and I watched her gaze go from compassionate to angry and then unnervingly empty.

"You don't mean that," she was completely still, except for her right hand which was fiddling with her earlobe. She was missing one earring.

"Oh, don't I? I came here to make peace but since you decided to bring Gage back into the conversation, I know you've been seeing him for a while. I saw you," I felt the pressure building, but I ignored it, "Didn't think you'd be desperate enough to go along with this. Because this was his idea, wasn't it?"

She was going to say something, but I cut her off, " Don't even try to lie, because I know I'm right on this one," I heaved out a laugh "After all I've done for you,"

"Well, if you weren't stupid enough to fall for any guy that gives you a morsel of attention, maybe I didn't have to look out for you so much. You're fucking pathetic, Ari,"

"At least I can stick to a gender, not go around fucking whoever's most convenient!" that hit a nerve; I saw her physically recoil, and her breath hitched. Her eyes betrayed nothing. She gave me a sinister smile, and it was my turn to recoil.

"You know, I've always wondered why people never seem to stick around for you. But you just aren't worth the fucking trouble," and with that she turned her back on me, as if I wasn't even there.

xxxx

Leaving the café and walking down to St. Peter's square was a blur. One moment I was listening to the person I'd trusted more than anything in the world call me worthless, and the next thing I knew I was sitting on a bench, wondering who I could possibly call. I was reeling from the fight just as much as I was from the polaroid currently resting in my pocket. I had half a thought to throw it away, and pretend I'd never seen it. But something told me I shouldn't.

I thumbed through my contacts, and ended up calling Vero. She picked up almost immediately, and the moment she did answer, I couldn't keep the words from spewing out of my mouth. By the time I was done, my mascara had left black streaks on my cheeks.

"Ari. I'm going to be very frank right now," she made a pause, as if bracing herself "She does have a pretty good point. What if he really is dangerous? You were too harsh with Kaylah, she really is just trying to protect you, and she's not even sleeping with Gage,"

"What reason would he have to want to hurt me? It just doesn't make sense," I paused for a second. Something didn't add up.

"Wait. How can you be so certain Kaylah's not sleeping with him? I never said she denied it," when she didn't answer, I tried again. "Vero, how do you know?"

"Oh, well she just can't be sleeping with him, I mean," she trailed off, and she had sounded weird enough for me to start wondering. What else didn't I know?

"Listen, I've got to go right now, but you can fill me in later?" I barely had time to say goodbye before she abruptly ended the call. I felt glued to the bench. Is there any chance Veronica and Kaylah know each other? If so, how?

I got up, and realised I didn't know where to go next. Going home like this would raise too many questions from my parents. I considered going to Nate's, but that thought unsettled me. I wasn't ready to get an answer to the question I had to ask.

I opened up the text I'd gotten from Seth a couple hours ago. If you feel like it, Malik and I are going to pool later.

I smiled at that. They've been obsessed with pool ever since 9th grade. I wasn't very good, but Seth kept wanting to try and teach me. And right now, I could use a distraction.

I texted him back. Is it still on?

He'd texted me at two, and it was now close to four. He might've changed his mind.

I got a text back in less than a minute. Sure :) Are you at home? I can pick you up if you want.

I quickly typed out the address and waited. Cool. Be there in 10 :)

There were so many questions running through my head I couldn't think straight. But I didn't have to sort through my thoughts right now. Going with the boys was the easy way out for now, and I'd already taken it.

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........*Yeap, didn't abandon this! Just haven't been able to write in a  while. BUT I'm back now!! Not goign to promise to be entirely consistent with updates, because that's  obviously not working out for me, but I'll TRY to update every other week until this is done. For now, enjoy!*