Kaylah's POV

I laid on my back, grass tickling my neck and cushioning my head. I stared upwards, watching the sky darken as the minutes went by, letting the sun shine on my face and warm me up against the late-autumn chill. I turned my head sideways, staring at the grey headstone, as if I stared hard enough, he might talk to me. "I don't know what to do, dad" I whispered the words, tracing the loops and swirls of his name with my index finger. Stephen Ackerman. Somebody had brought a bouquet of flowers, possibly his widow. Tulips. Causally, I picked it up, and settled it on the grave next to it, right under the words beloved husband. Stephen hated flowers.

Missing someone you've never met is a weird type of feeling, because it gives free rein to your imagination. Right now, if I closed my eyes, I could imagine him cradling me to his chest, stroking my hair as I cried my heart out to him. I turned my face back towards the sky, eyes open but blurry with tears which didn't, wouldn't fall.

At least I can stick to a gender. You never fully realise how much damage words can do until you find yourself running through a string of mishappen words over and over, crowding every single corner of your consciousness until you can't seem to hear anything else over it. I might've stayed right there for longer, trying to work through what I felt and what I wanted to do once I finally got up, when a shadow broke me out of my reverie. "Three times this week. That's some dedication, even coming from you," I turned, smiling slightly.

"Hi, Phil. How's Julie doing?" Phil was the cemetery groundskeeper aid, who I'd known since my mom first brought me to see dad when I was around 4 or 5, and his dad would bring him at work, because they couldn't afford a nanny. At 28, he was the older brother I'd never had.

"Still pregnant, though we're getting closer. Due date's the 30th," I hummed, and he gave me a funny look, as if he were trying to figure out what had gotten into me. When I didn't offer him anything to go with, he didn't push.

"I'm here if you need to talk to someone that can actually talk back you know," I'd heard that line dozens of times, but it still made me smile. But my phone had been consistently vibrating against my leg for the past hour, and I'd ignored it long enough already. It was time to face the music again, even if it wasn't going to be pleasant.

I gave him a quick hug, making him promise he'd say hi to Julie for me, and started making my way to the gates. I took my time, going through my notifications as I walked. I shot mom a quick text, letting her know where I was, and then stared at the two missed calls from Vero, and three texts from Gage. I decided to first call Vero, because I wasn't yet sure what I was going to tell Gage, and I frankly could sue some advice on that.

She picked up on the first ring, "Hey, sorry I didn't call back quicker- "

"That's okay, no worries," she sounded a bit off, but before I could push, she was speaking again, "How did the talk with Ariana go?"

I sucked in a breath, not knowing how to answer that. Saying it didn't go as planned would be the understatement of the century. Thankfully, I didn't have to answer, because she already knew.

"Yeah, I thought so. Ari called, and she wasn't exactly coherent, but I got the gist of it," there was some murmuring in the background, most probably her boyfriend, and then she was back "Hey listen. Mike's asking if you'd like to join us? We're at that beach bar you told us about, you know the one with the funky sign?" If there was one thing to know about Vero, it was that she sucked at giving accurate explanations.

"Margaritaville?" the question was rhetorical; I'd only mentioned one.

"Yes! Exactly! So?" I could tell she didn't want to push me. But I'd rather face this now then leave it for later.

"I'm on my way. Order me something?"

"One Pina Colada right up, got it," I smiled and hung up, flagging a taxi and slipping into the backseat.

I had one more person to text. Gage's messages got progressively more worried, from a small "Hi? How's it going" to a "Call me as soon as you get this". I was about to call him, when I saw the last text he'd sent me, about half an hour ago. Going into a session with Blaircliff.

I felt calmer knowing I could avoid this a while longer while he went in for a session with his psychologist; I also hoped he would be somewhat calmer when I was going to tell him I was giving up on our plan. I shot him a quick text, knowing I had about half an hour before he read it. It's over. I'm not doing this anymore.

Despite the myriad of times my mom warned me about being alert when going by taxi (lest I was kidnapped) I spared my bored taxi driver no more than a glance before I closed my eyes, and ran through the conversation I'd had with Ari in my head. I felt empty, confused, angry at her, and at myself for thinking that after everything, she'd trust me over some stranger she's known for a few months.

And yet I still cared; and hated the words I'd said to her. You aren't worth the trouble. But she was, she's always been worth the fucking trouble. That's why I was still here, why I did all that, after everything we'd been through.

My phone pinged, and it was a single text from Gage. Where are you? Let's talk 'bout this.

"Miss?" I opened my eyes to see my driver half turned in his seat, staring at me expectantly. I might've not felt like it, but I smiled, and politely handed him his fare. I kept the smile on as I walked into the bar, now sheltered against the wind by plexiglass walls, and saw Vero idly rolling her eyes at Mike, who sat opposite to her. As soon as she saw me, she started waving me over quite vigorously, lifting the Pina Colada as a type of peace offering. At that, my smile turned a bit more genuine.

"Hey," she hugged me, and I felt a bit warmer.

"Hey! Hi Mike, how's football going," he gave me a cheap imitation of a captain's salute, smiling.

"You know, it's getting close to Halloween, so the guys are all taking shots at the title of best prankster. It's pretty funny, unless you're on the receiving end," he gave a little shudder at that, which I found funny. Vero slapped his arm playfully. "Since he's apparently too shy to say it, I will. He got named team captain yesterday!" she was positively beaming, which only made me smile wider. I got up and slipped into the seat next to him, giving him a tight hug. We've grown quite close lately, bonding mostly over our love for horror movies and technothriller books. Although I was happy for him, I felt a twinge of sadness. Gage had been the last team captain.

Vero was looking at me with her go to puppy eyes, which meant she either wanted something or was about to say something I wouldn't like. "Let's hear it already,"

"I might've tipped Ari off about us knowing each other," she kept looking at me apologetically, and Mike went to grab her hand over the table, squeezing it lightly. Her gaze stayed on me, waiting for a reaction. Luckily for her, I had depleted my reserves of anger and despair for the day. I sighed.

"Well, it was bound to happen at some point,"

Her eyebrows pulled together in confusion, "That's it? You don't think it will impact your plan at all? I mean, I'd find it a bit of a confidence shaker if it were me and I found this out,"

"What plan? I don't have a plan anymore," I kept looking down, stirring my drink purposelessly. I'd wanted to sound nonchalant, but most likely sounded pitiful and defeated. She broke her hand out of Mike's grasp and grabbed my arm.

"You don't mean that, you can't. Kay, you're so close," she was looking at me like I had suddenly gone crazy.

"I can't help someone who doesn't want my help,"

"I'm sure that if you'd try again from a different angle- "

"But I don't want to try again Vero! I won't stand her shaming who I am again!" my voice was louder than I hoped, quivering and angry. The people around us gave me displeased looks, upset to have been disturbed from their chit chats. Let them judge.

"What did she say?" both Vero and Mike perked up, leaning in. They'd heard their fair share of shaming go around, and neither of them was a big fan of it.

"She called me a slut, basically," I refused to give them anything more, because I didn't think I could stand saying it.

"You've got to give me more than that. It wouldn't have gotten to you this badly if it was just that," neither of them was going to let up anytime soon, so I just ripped the band aid off.

"She said I was a slut because I can't stick to a gender. So if she feels like that, then let Nathan have his way for all I care," there it was, out for everyone to hear. It hurt, dammit.

This was all Vero needed to get up and squeeze onto the couch next to Mike and I, effectively trapping me in the middle as she hugged me nearly to death. We spent a couple moments in silence, as I let myself be hugged, Mike sitting quite awkwardly next to me.

He cleared his throat, "So, who is this Nathan guy anyway?" Vero cringed at the question, but I smiled. It gave me something else to focus on. Anger.

I pulled my phone out, and opened Ari's Instagram profile. The most recent post was with her and Nathan, her hiding her face behind a masquerade mask while he waved at the camera, smiling slightly, eyes calm. Empty. His go to expression. I've got to give it to him; he might be a sociopath, but if he'd make one hell of a lawyer with that poker face.

Mike, who was looking over my shoulder, made a small surprised sound, "Wait. That's Nathan? I know the guy. He's the guy that sometimes picks up the older guy from Simon's AA group. You know the one whose stories you said didn't really add up?"

I watched as Vero nodded, and Mike carried on. "I saw him a couple times when I dropped you off at the AA meetings. He never went in, just waited there until the man went in, and then took off. Always by foot though. He left his car in the parking lot, which I thought was weird. Anyway, one time I was outside smoking and he asked me for a cigarette. At some point, a bunch of guys approached him, and he left with them. Pretty shady dudes, I'm telling you. Maybe there's something to it,"

Interesting. I had a couple questions, but before I could say anything else, I heard someone call my name. Gage.

"Hey, Gage. I don't think you've met Vero properly,"

He gave her a slight smile and nodded in Mike's direction. To his credit, Mike tensed but didn't say a word. They had too much history to simply brush it off, but that was a problem for another time.

"I want you to say it," he fixed me with an expression I hadn't seen directed my way before. He was tense, slitty-eyed, and his jaw was clenched.

"I'm out," I stared back, "I can't do this anymore Gage, she won't listen. It's not going to work no matter what we do," he didn't seem to register what I was saying.

"You promised. You said you cared about her. That's why I came to you! Because you're supposed to care about what happens to her!" now people were definitely staring. Gage stood up abruptly, and so did I, moving past Vero and towards Gage. I grabbed his shoulders.

"We can't help her, Gage. She's gotta figure this one on her own," he shook me off, and tried to sidestep me. I blocked his way. "Kaylah move" his tone held a warning, which I ignored. "No, because I know where you're going. If you so much as try to approach her in this state you'll end up with a restraining order," he huffed impatiently. His eyes were wild.

"I don't care! The guy's sick! I have to try something, since you've decided to just turn your back on her," desperate, I tried to push at his chest, urging him to stop screaming and sit down so we could talk this out. And that's when he pushed me, hard. I stumbled and fell, hitting my head on the table next to me. There was a moment of silence, and then proper shouting broke out. Vero was at my side in an instance, fussing over me. I looked past her, making eyes contact with Gage.

He sat frozen in place, eyes wide, a hand over his mouth. Mike was screaming at him, pushing him towards the exit. He let himself be led outside, shaking his head back and forth as if he couldn't quite believe he'd done that. As I got back to my feet, a man approached us. "Should I call the police?"

"Ye-"

"No! There's no need for that. Thank you," Vero gave me a bewildered look when I cut her off but followed me without question as I rushed outside after the boys.

Mike was walking back and forth, huffing and glancing from time to time at Gage with what could only be interpreted as utter disgust. Gage was utterly silent, leaning against the wall.

"Gage," he refused to meet my eyes, so I stepped right in front of him despite Vero's requests and forced him to. He looked afraid, and I truly pitied him.

"I'm not hurt," I kept my voice even, trying to steady him.

He kept staring at me, "I'm-"

"Sorry? Yeah, I know," the thing I did next shocked all of us, but no one more than myself. I hugged him, tightly, and I felt a pair of tentative arms wrap around me.

When I let him go, his eyes were wet, but he wasn't quite crying yet. Mike huffed again, almost incredulously, and pulled out a cigarette. He offered Vero one, who scrunched her nose, and then Gage, who shook his head. I thanked him and pulled one out.

"You smoke?" Vero was the first one to break the silence.

"Sometimes," I was staring outwards, watching the last of the sun rays fade away. I focused on pulling drag after drag from the cigarette, breathing in deeply. I thought of the last time I'd smoked one. I could see Ari's face as clearly as if it were yesterday; she was rolling her eyes, an indulgent smile on her lips. I remembered her, the first day of freshman year, walking in with her head bowed and my favourite book tightly clutched in her hand. What were the odds?

"You're right, you know. I still care," I looked at Vero, who gave me an encouraging smile. Gage was right, in a way. I couldn't give up so easily.

I gestured towards Mike, "Go ahead, tell him what you told me," he did as I asked, although grudgingly, and Gage listened. When he was done, Gage had started to look a bit more like himself. His eyes were more focused, and he looked more or less calm. Or as calm as one could be in this situation.

"It has to do something with his dad, I'm sure of it," he nodded at me, and I nodded back.

"You do realise that now you have to involve us too, right? We're invested in this now," Vero came to stand by my side, and squeezed my hand. She looked at Mike, who went to stand in front of Gage. He stretched out one arm, palm open. A peace offering. Gage looked at his outstretched hand, then at him, and shook it once, twice.

xxxx

Two hours later, seated at a far table in Bailey's, we had the whole thing planned out. I asked Jon to join us at some point, since he'd been eavesdropping anyway and I could use some added moral support from someone I'd known for years. I sat back, contently watching Gage and Mike talk about football, while Vero gave Jon relationship advice.

The music changed, and the soft solo guitar intro to You are my Sunshine started up. I was smiling, thinking back on the many times I'd used that nickname for her; and since she had an unwavering resting bitch face, how funny I found teasing her with it. Why call me sunshine? Because of how much you smile, of course. At that, Ari did what she's always done best. Rolled her eyes and flipped me off.

Oh sunshine, I really hope you're worth this fucking trouble.

_____________

The next chapter will most likely be Nathan-centric, so brace yourselves!!