Oh God why did I think this was a good idea?

Hi guys. I'm gonna read the first chapter of Shining Sun and react to it like I'm some youtuber. You'll get to see me cringe to death. I'll include screenshots of the parts I'm commenting on so uh... I guess let's just go.

IT SOUNDS CHEESY GUYS IT SOUNDS CHEESY LOOK HOW SELF AWARE HE IS.

Why did I think that was a good start? If that was the first thing I read on a fanfic I'd click off, Jesus Christ. He hasn't forgotten her? Why would he have forgotten about her? It's been three years, not three decades. Both of these paragraphs are completely unnecessary. I could've just started with the end of the battle and been fine.

Speaking of which...

Wow, middle school me managed to write dialogue that isn't utter garbage. I'm almost impressed. It's simple as all hell, but at least I can read it without wanting to die. 

Yes, that is how Hala talks. Peak dialogue right here.

Look guys! I did the thing! You know the thing that literally every Sun x Lillie story does? I did it too! This story is now valid. Yup. Totally necessary in every Sun x Lillie story.

Please kill me.

Fixed his hair. Fixed his- Oh god dammit. No. Sun doesn't comb his hair. I say that multiple times in later chapters. His hair is too much of a mess for a comb to work. That's like, a staple of his appearance. Also I don't really like the idea that Hau told Sun about Lillie coming back. If they were just going to meet at the Marina anyways, why would Kukui keep this a secret? The logic in this makes no sense.

Real subtle, Lillie. Real subtle. Also that typo though. Oh wait there's two. Yeah Lillie stepped onto a document, not a boat dock. She has become one with technology through the power of being one of the best characters Pokémon ever created.

Ok, at least I had a small grasp of what I wanted Sun's personality to be, because yeah, Sun would absolutely say this in response to his name.

Oh yeah. We got some top tier dialogue here. Also why are they just having this conversation on the dock? No bringing them to sit down in the lab or Sun's house or anything, just right here in the middle of the Marina, cause that doesn't pose an inconvenience to literally everyone around them.

Ok, yah damn simp. Also, nice spacing.

Totally valid logic to get Sun alone with the Aether family. Not forced at all. Also that last line though. Absolute cringe. At least the quip from Hau is decent.

Ha, remember when my author's notes were just one paragraph? Those were the days.

Still a valid statement though. If you haven't already, go check out TheLoneWanderer17. He's a real chill guy, good friend of mine, and his stories are actually well written, unlike the trash I just forced myself to re-experience. 

I'm gonna go listen to anime music and try to write something actually good. I'll see y'all whenever the hell I update one of my stories.

Peace.