Lucky O'Cléirigh

With the most violent vodka hangover of my life and my sunglasses still on indoors, I trail through the lobby of my uptown apartment building towards the elevator in a frustrated daydream.. My head aches and my conscience is weighted down by guilt but my heart soars as my thoughts keep drifting back to last night and the way Konstantin had held me in his arms until I fell asleep..

When I had woken up alone in his bed, it had taken me a few minutes to recall the events of the night before and for those fleeting seconds I knew what true happiness felt like.. All those secrets we had shared and the dirty things he'd said to me in the quiet hours, they mix in my mind to confirm every feeling I've ever had about the man.. He is everything I have dreamed of and so much more..

He is stern and soft.. Fearsome and kind.. There is a harshness to his humour and a brutality to his honesty, cruel and comforting all at once..

Konstantin understands pain in a way I can't even begin to process but in a weird way, he gives me the confidence to try and make sense of my own..

Around him, I don't feel so broken because he seems to believe in me when I don't even believe in myself.. He sees the purity in me that I have so longed to preserve.. The purity I feared I had lost when I was just a little girl..

Konstantin pulls me in, he puts me under some kind of hopeful spell and I dream of spending my days with him, telling him all my suffering and sorrow and learning how to take its weight.. He is the sticky glue with which I think I might finally begin to be able to piece myself back together again..

All my life I have felt as though there was something wrong with me.. I have lived in dreading fear that somehow I deserved all the bad things that happened, over and over again.. Every terrible experience, every horrible date, every mistake..

But to Konstantin, I am sunshine..

I am sunshine and he is the most beautiful of starry midnights.. We are so different, in our experience, yet somehow we share so much more in common than I ever realised..

But what he says and what he does are not exactly harmonious.. He looks at me like he wants to eat me, but somehow he maintains this aloof distance that pisses me off at times..

That very same cold indifference gave me a bitter sting of disappointment when he'd dropped me off at my apartment minutes ago without so much as a mention of when we would see each other again.. Part of me had wanted to desperately beg him to give me some kind of confirmation, while another had been recklessly irritated at the idea of having to ask..

Maybe I am too temperamental and inpatient.. Maybe I should manage my expectations of the man.. Then again, I never have been one to do things by halves.. But what gives me hope is the sentimental something he had given me that would ensure he'd get another chance to see me..

I take the small black film canister from my pocket with a satisfied smile, elated that Konstantin had trusted me with something as precious as the development of his old pictures.. I hum to myself in happiness, certain that he must have given them to me as an excuse to talk to me again.. Especially since he didn't exactly seem excited to have any reminders of his past life..

I know Konstantin cares for me, even if he won't set those feelings in stone.. Even if he doesn't want to label what we have.. There is something cosmic and undeniable between us.. There always was..

As I reach for the elevator call button a familiar lyrical voice calls to me and my stomach sinks in realisation and shame.. "Lucky-Doll! Heya, wait-up, Babe!"

I spin around, pushing my sunglasses up to rest on-top of my head as my sneakers squeaking against the tile underfoot..

Immediately, I see Brody looking terribly tired and disheveled, he jogs hurriedly across the lobby floor towards me with a wave..

"Brody?! What are you doing here?!" My mouth dries and my pulse thuds dramatically in my ears.. I focus my attention on the handsome Detective and ignore the elevator when it dings behind me as the doors slide open..

"I jus' wanted to talk about las' nite.. Been waitin' for yeh' all mornin'!" Brody takes me gently by the hand and pulls me aside as he glances down at my crumpled outfit, seeing me is yesterday's clothes and clearly noticing what it means.. "Yer' just gettin' home now?"

I tug my hands from his in irritation to fold my arms across my chest protectively as all those angry emotions from last night come rushing back to me.. "So what if I am?"

"Well.. Where were yeh' then?" He scratches the back of his neck in sheepish curiosity and I practically snort at his audacity to question me about where I have been..

"I was with a friend.. Not that it's any of your business anymore, since we're over.. Remember?" I bite back bluntly, unwavering in my conviction to be as cruel as he had been..

No, Lucky.. I can't let him trick me..

I can't let him make me think he cares more than he does.. I don't want to feel like an idiot again..

"I don'ee want that, baby.." He shakes his head, mussing up his ashy blond hair.. "I don'ee want us to be over.."

"You expect me to believe you just suddenly developed a conscience overnight.." I scoff, turning up my nose while my heart softens.. To hear him admit his feelings still affects me.. I care so much what Brody thinks of me, he is a brilliant man, with a sharp mind and sweet tongue.. I can't help but adore him.. "Yeah right.. Who knows where you've been! Apparently you don't have time to find Abigail's killer but you have all the time in the world to fuck whoever passes you by.."

I punish him with a low blow to his career, the most important thing to him, but he doesn't bat an eye at my insult, taking it in stride instead..

"Lucky-doll.. It's not like that, baby.." He reaches for me again but I sidestep his approach, fearful of what a connection to him might do to my senses.. Brody's attention makes me dizzy and I'm afraid I won't know what to believe.. "I went home after we fought.. But it didn'ee feel rite'.. Yeh' tried to tell me something important and I was a dick to yeh'-- I just wanted a chance to apologize.."

"Oh.." My defensive posture falls away and suddenly I am stuck by guilt.. He is so much more considerate than I had given him credit for.. Of course he feels bad for the way we have left things.. I just wish he'd said all this last night before our fight instead of leaving me standing on the side of the road alone.. Still, better late than never I suppose.. "Listen Brody--"

He holds up a hand to stop me.. "Please, Lucky.. Yer' the best t'ing that ever happened to me.. Yeh' sweet and lovely and yeh' put up with my shite.. I let my stupid fuckin' ego get in the way.. I know that.. O'course yeh' deserve better.. I wanna be better for yeh'.. I just hope yeh' can forgive me, I dunno if I can stand to lose yeh'.."

"You won't lose me, Brody.. I'll always care about you.." I smile at him comfortingly and his shoulders slouch almost in relief as some of the tension leaves him.. "I just don't know that we're made to be more than friends.. We're not very good for each other.. I mean-- I want to take things slow and you weren't exactly patient.. You could have at least told me so I didn't waste my time thinking we were something that we weren't.. It's embarrassing for me, to think all this time other people knew you weren't taking us seriously while I was really trying to make it work.. I could have been seeing other people too, you know.."

His frosty blue glare fluctuates from sad to suspicious.. "Is that where yeh' were last nite'? With some other guy?"

I roll my eyes, unwilling to concede that I am not so much better than him, that I had run straight into the arms of another man for comfort.. He doesn't need to know that I spent the entirety of our relationship lusting after Konstantin and practicing speaking Russian phrases in hopes of impressing him all while desperately using Brody to fill the void in my heart. "I'm not doing this--"

Brody holds up his hands in concession.. "Yeh' rite', I don'ee have the right to be jealous.. But I am, Lucky.. I'm so fuckin' jealous of any guy who gets to spend even a second with yeh'.."

He speaks some fine words, but I just can't trust him in the same devoted way I had anymore.. And what's more, I don't think I want to try and learn how to love him.. I don't think I ever really did.. If I'm honest with myself, I think I was just trying not to feel so empty and alone.. "This is just you wanting something you can't have.."

Brody shakes his head, reaching for my hand, completely confusing me and throwing off my resolve to refuse him.. "Ney.. This is me wantin' a second chance.. I'm gonna do whatever I gotta do to prove to yeh' that I'm dead serious about us.. I'll do whatever it takes.. I'll wait as long as I have to.."

"I guess-- I want to believe you, Brody.. I'm just not there yet.." I fidget with the buttons on my jacket nervously..

"You'll see.." He smiles.. "Can I call yeh' later?"

Why does it feel so good to be wanted by him?

Why do I crave the sensation of being needed?

Why can't I say no?

"Okay.." I nod dumbly..

"Sweet! I really gotta get back to work, but we'll talk soon--"

"Brody, wait!" I reach out and grab hold of his coat and he turns back to me with kind expecting eyes..

"Yeah?"

"Before you go, if I wanted to investigate Abigail's case some more-- you know, on my own-- how would I go about that?"

He frowns.. "I already told yeh' Lucky, we haven'ee got any new leads--"

"What if I found one? Would you help me?" I persist, unable to forget it.. Unable to give up my obsession.. Abigail's case has plagued me for weeks, living on a loop in my head..

What really happened to her?

I have to know..

He runs a hand back through his soft, flaxen hair.. "O'course, Dolly.. If you find anythin' lemme' know, I'll follow it up.."

"So where would I start?"

Brody shrugs with a patient sigh.. "Yeh' could try reaching out to her family, I s'poze.. But I doubt they'll be much help.. They weren't exactly cooperating with the department by the end, they didn'ee trust us cops bein' Southsiders n' all.. I kinda got the sense they knew more than they was lettin' on.."

"Okay.. Yeah.." I pause in thought, twisting the ends of my hair around my finger.. "I can do that.. Thank you.."

"Anythin' for you.." Brody takes a step towards me, leaning down to place a lingering kiss on my cheek.. "Be careful, Lucky.."

He smells like cloves and cedar, spicy and natural.. Familiar and safe..

"I will, Brody.. I promise.." I nod, my mouth moving without permission from my brain, I know that I'm making a mess, tying each piece of my life so tightly together.. Unable to let go of anything.. But it all feels beyond my control and before I know it I can't stop myself..

......

Safely hidden away in the expanse of my contemporary apartment, I barely have time to change my clothes into pyjamas, before an abrupt beat at the door breaks my focus.. I am just about to climb into bed to nurse my hangover and spend the day researching the Abigail Brightly case on my laptop when the knocking starts..

-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-

"Coming!" I call out through a tired yawn as I drag my exhausted bones across the plush living room carpet to pull it open.. Much to my delight, I find a handsome surprise waiting for me on the other side.. "Konstantin? W-What're you doing?!"

My ecstatic heart jolts onto action and leaps into my throat with excitement as he stares down at me.. He needs no words to communicate the lustful stirring emotions I see reflected back in these caramel pools..

I don't know how and I have no idea why, but he wants me..

Konstantin straightens his shoulders beneath the neat black sports coat before he lifts a big paw and pushes against the door, stepping inside my apartment, oozing appeal with all the confidence of a man who owns the place.. I stumble back in a distracted daze, dumbstruck as he takes me by the hips to pin me up against the wall in the entry, lowering his dark mocha gaze to mine with a harsh gravelled grunt.. "I forget some'zing, Solnyshko.."

"Oh, really? What did you forget--mmmh.." His delicious mouth heats over mine as he leans down to kiss me with a fierce need and a fiery passion, the blaze of his hunger tasting better on my tongue than anything I could ever imagined, minty and cool.. I moan as his bejewelled fingers slink through my hair to grip fistfuls of the honeyed strands.. "Oh God--"

All I can smell is liquorice and lust.. A powerful blend of man and magic..

"You will see me again." He hums and I am sure he is asking me a question, though it sounds like more of an order than anything else.. Really, it is a demand I am all too willing to obey.. "You want thiz, I know.."

"I do want it-- but-- I didn't know if you did--"

He strokes a tender thumb over my throat and growls like a grizzly bear as he leans down to kiss the crook of my neck, inhaling a breath of me as if I were more important to him than pure oxygen.. "I v'want vury much, Malishka.."

"Konstantin, are you asking me on a date? Is that what this is?" I barely manage to speak above a whisper, excitement tingling in my essence while my head lolls back.. His soft lips and scratchy stubble explore all across my collar bone to send electrified shivers running across the surface of my skin..

He draws back to nod once respectfully, clearing his throat as though suddenly remembering where he is, or who he is, recomposing his gentlemanly posture.. "Da.. If it pleazez you, Kiska.."

"Oh, yes!" I giggle brightly, overwhelmed with bliss as bubbles of elation rise in my belly.. I smile up at him like hopeless prey to the hunter, overly enthused by his offer.. "It pleases me like I've never been pleased before.."

"Ah.. My Solnyshko.." He shakes his head and chuckles, dry and dark.. A delicious melody of velvet humour.. "The first pleazure ov' many.."