Konstantin Ivanov

I refill both of our glasses, downing my shot fast to light another cigarette before placing the auspicious empty Vodka bottle on the floor out of well conditioned habit.. Then I make my way across the living room and out to the balcony where the frosty wind cools my bare burning skin and invigorates my system.. I wish against all odds that Lucky would let go of the subject of my son, that she would let me hold my internal sorrow in peace, but of course it goes against custom and the compassion in her heart to do so..

She follows me out into the cold night air without her jacket and I can see the immediate regret in her as she shivers and wraps her arms around herself.."I--I can't imagine how terrible it must have been for you to lose him.."

I puff on my smoke and twist my cigarette between irritated fingers.. There are few things I regret in my life, but the death of my son has never left me.. I could not be there for him when he needed me and I could not keep the fragments of my humanity intact after he was gone.. I was destroyed, the last vestige of the man I might have once become, died along with my child..

Now I am resolved to feel nothing..
Even if Lucky is irresistibly enchanting..
I cannot love her.. I will not.

I never want to know that kind of anguish again and now that I have learned the depths of Lucky's purity, it has become more obvious to me that there is no life in which I can be the man to give her everything.. She is the kind of woman who wishes for marriage and family and I am resigned to never know these liabilities ever again.. "All ov' thiz iz in 'ze past. I cannot change it. There iz no sense for me to recall thoze memoriez, Malishka.. Not now, or ever.."

"No memories at all? What about pictures?" She glances back into the apartment as if seeking images she will not find.. "You don't keep any reminders of your life before moving here.. No wonder you feel so alone.."

"I have no use for such sentimental thingz.. I have maybe some old--err--negativez-- somewhere.. I do not remember the lazt time I aw 'zem.." I wave a hand non-committally, the notion of framed pictures of the past hung on the walls to remind me of my failures as a man seem unimportant to me..

What good would they do?

I refuse to allow myself to become less before her eyes.. There is pain in me, deep and endless.. A souless mourning that never leaves me in peace, but to show that pain is not the way I have been conditioned by a lifetime of indifference.. I learned during duty and later in the cell blocks that it is better to be stoic then soft, lest somebody mistake that emotion for weakness..

Weakness in my line of work is dangerous.. Weakness is the reason for every aching loss I have experienced..
If I were to be weak enough to love, I would be weak enough to lose.. It is a vulnerability I don't dare expose myself to..

"Come to me, Malishka.. Allow me to keep you warm." Instead of divulging more of my past regrets, I hold out a hand to her in invitation and she accepts it, conceding me as I pull her close to fold her beneath my arm, pressing her against my warmth before I continue to smoke my cigarette..

Her alluring perfume of orchids and honey confuses my thoughts, turning them to darkness and depravity, even while I grapple to remain guarded.. She exposes a deep well of desire in me and uncovers a yearning thud deep within my chest. My heart is not so cold that her warmth could not thaw me..

My Solnyshko is a beautiful ray of light, she could melt away the abominable beast I had become and create in his place a man.
Through her eyes I am not a vision of death, but a glimpse of life.. A flicker of hope is what I see reflected in her sea-glass green gaze.

Lucky tucks her cold hands into the pockets of my suit-pants, warming them against the heat of my thighs, dangerously close to my dick.. So close they could touch me and start a chain reaction that would lead to me taking off her tight little jeans.. "But-- You must think about him sometimes.." She blinks up at me, persistent to know my secrets.

"Nyet.." I shake my head as her soft chest presses into the shiv-scarred muscles of my stomach..

"Oh, Konstantin.. I'm so sorry.. If you ever wanted to talk about him--"

"I do not." I grunt, flicking the ash from the end of my cigarette..

"Oh..Kay.. That's fine.. You don't have to tell me anything.." She mumbles apologetically and her glassy gaze falls away from mine.. The silence is sharp and the tension in my chest tightens..

With a sigh my resistance gives way to her timid mood.. I do not understand how she makes me feel so obliged to reveal myself to her, I have never taken issue with deceit in the past.. But to her I cannot seem to lie, I can only give her honesty and I fear what that may mean should she ask the wrong questions..

Swallowing my pride, I give her what it is she wants, my darkest secrets and deepest regrets.. "Ivar was a sick child.. Many illnessez made hiz life vury painful.. His mother and I, we could not afford to care for him.. Thiz is why I left, Myshkin, my home.. I traveled to Moscow and did begin working for 'ze Federation.. I left behind my family.. 'Zey did not survive without me.."

"What happened to them?" Her hands slide from my pockets to creep coaxingly up to my chest where her fingertips trace over the ink of Ivar's name..

"In my country, Malishka, loyalty iz meaning evurything.. We Russkiy are not to be swayed or sold and there were secretz I waz alwayz to keep.. I did not trade 'zem or commit 'ze treason for which I waz accused, but 'ze Federation waz not in my favour during the fall.. 'Zey did believe I waz guilty of betraying my government and I was sentenced for espionage.." I shift uncomfortably, unable to reconcile the account, even now, two decades later I cannot understand how I could have given so much to a corrupt state that would send me away..

I can never forgive myself for the terrible decisions that were made.. I was innocent of my convictions, but not for the suffering I had caused my family.. "After I waz sent to White Swan, my wife, Arina, she could not show her face proudly in Myshkin.. She waz disgraced by all I had become and in her shame for me and the sorrow of sickness, she did kill my son.. And she did kill herself.. Together 'zey did drown in the river.."

"You were innocent?! And you lost them both anyway?" Lucky gasps in horror, her sympathetic eyes glassy with bewilderment.. "That-- That is the most unfair thing I've ever heard.. How old were you when this happened?"

"I waz not all 'zat much older than you are now.. Ivar, moya mal'chik-- he had lived juzt six years.."

I push away the memories of his darling face and earthen brown eyes that had looked just like mine.. Ivar had been such a brave boy for one who suffered so much in his ailments, though sometimes I admit I wonder if Arina did him a kindness by taking his life.. She saw his pain, witnessed his slow death and felt it was too much to bear.. I wish she had not done what she did, but cannot condemn her for it, as she was the one who had watched him suffer.. She had been the one to sit up late with him coughing into the night.. She had been the one to care for his frail, failing body, while I had served my military duty, versts away..

In all of his life I spent very few days with my son, so few I can almost count them on my hands.. It was all I could do to provide for my family, to give them a home and keep them warm, to keep them fed and pay for the constant treatments and medicines Ivar needed.. I was a young, unprepared boy myself when my son was born and soon after I would turn eighteen and was expected to perform what is known in Russia as 'vseobshchaya voinskaya obyazannost', a universal military obligation which made my conscription mandatory.

I had left them all alone and for that, I will meet the devil one day..

"Oh, good lord.." Tears swell in the aquamarine ocean of her eyes and a part of me wishes I could allow myself to feel what it is she feels, or that I could feel anything.. But I cannot.. I will not.. Sadness serves me no purpose but pain and I do not wish to feel anymore hurt.. "I-- I don't know what to say.."

"There are no words to salavage thiz kind of suffering, Malishka." I Iet her go, restless and unable to maintain the uncomfortable stillness as I begin to pace, four steps one way and four the other.. The exact size and space of the eight by eight cell I lived in for twelve years, a habit I have been unable to break, even after all this time outside the confines of the four guard towers.. I have long left the dreaded torment of Siberia, but Siberia has never left me.. "Thiz iz why I do not think of it.. I muzt continue to move forward, to remain in the past would be much madness, I cannot survive to relive it.."

"I'm sorry to have brought It up, we don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to--" Lucky watches anxiously as I stride back and forth, walking off the tension.. "But, I will pray for your family, Konstantin, and for you.. And if ever you'd like-- I could develop those old negatives for you.. Sometimes, sentimental things can help, you know.. It's okay to let yourself feel sad every now and then.."

"That is vury sweet, Solnyshko, perhapz one day I would allow thiz.. But do not waste your breath on prayers for me.. God doez not listen for my sake and I am beyond hiz redemption.."

My Sunshine reaches out to stop me in my tracks, grabbing hold of my wrist and forcing my focus to return to her.. "God listens to everyone.. And nobody is so far gone they can't be saved.."

"Hm.." I scoff in disagreement.. She only believes this because she doesn't know what I am.. The things I have done..
The things I am yet to do..
I am destined for hell and nothing more.

Lucky nods, accepting our difference of opinion before she relinquishes her hold on me.. "How do you do it, Konstantin? Move forward, I mean?"

"Why do you azk me thiz?" I narrow my stare on her as she becomes withdrawn and nervous once again, embracing herself to stave off the chill..

"I dunno.. It's just, after everything you've been through, I want to know how you can still be so-- so stoic and strong.. I wish I was more like you, I guess is what I'm saying.." She shrugs, reaching out to take the cigarette from my fingers, pulling a small drag from it before she passes it back..

When I bring it to my mouth I can taste the gloss from her lips on it, fruity and sweet.. "Do not wish thiz, Malishka.. I am a bad man, with little less than hate left in my heart.. 'Zat iz how I can so easily forget thoze people I did once love.. You are a sweet girl, Solnyshko, in you there iz still hope.. I want only for you to stay thiz way.."

She shakes her head.. "You know, I'm not all sweetness and sunshine like you think I am.."

I stub out the burnt butt in the ashtray that is perched on the balcony ledge.. "Why do you do thiz alwayz, Kiska?"

"Do what?"

"You doubt what I say iz honest.. You refuze my beliefz ov' affection--hm, what do you call 'zem--err--compliments?"

"Oh.." Her features crinkle in consideration.. "I-- I'm really not sure..."

"Why do you think you are not sunshine to me?" I take a step towards her..

Careful now, I remind myself, don't get too close..

I know I should not tempt myself like this..
I should turn away, but I can not resist the hypnotic draw of her eyes.. Her beautiful, vibrant eyes..

"I just-- there are things about me that are bad too.. I'm not perfect.."

"Pizdjóž.." I chuckle at her bullshit sentiments of perceived imperfection.. "You are 'ze most perfect.."

She smiles, sweet and shy, reaching up to tuck a lock of golden hair back behind her ear.. "I promise you, I'm really not.."

"Tell to me one thing 'zat iz bad?" I smirk at her, doubting she knows the meaning of what she speaks.. She could never be bad..

"Well.." She chews her bottom lip as though reluctant to confide in me her shame.. "Sometimes.. I tell lies.."

A small factor that doesn't validate her claim.. "Evurybody lies, Solnyshko.. Thiz iz 'ze human condition.." I squint at her in scrutiny.. "For why you do thiz?"

"Because people don't want to know the truth.." She Huff's out a bitter breath.. "Not really.."

"I want to know the truth, Kiska.. Give to me one example?"

She takes a deep breath.. "Okay.. So like, a couple months ago, Kirby asked me how work was going at dinner-- do you remember? I said the same thing I always say, I told her everything was excellent.. That was a total lie.. I hate my job.. I can't stand the people I work with.. Nobody thinks I'm good enough, the only person who I thought believed in me was just trying to get in my pants and there's this guy, Wren Andrews.. He's my supervisor and he--" She quickly snaps her mouth shut, stopping herself from saying too much..

"He what?" I cock a curious ear, intensely curious and ready to listen..

"Nothing, nevermind!" She turns away from me with the flick of her champagne curls and rushes back inside..

Following her, I slide the glass door closed behind us, blocking the blustering cold outside from reaching us anymore.. "Nyet, it iz not 'nothing'! Tell to me, Solnyshko!"

"I can't!" She circles around to the back of the lounge as I chase her, for every step towards her I take she retreats another, as if being too close to me would undo her conviction to keep quiet..

"Speak to me!" I growl, frustrated, harsh and much too overbearing..

"Fine, I'll tell you!" She throws up her little hands with a dramatic sigh.. "He's just--um-- he's very friendly--"

"What means 'friendly'?" I growl..

"It's nothing, really.. Forget I even said anything!"

Her eyes avoid mine and she shuffles back and forth on her feet, giving me a deceit that I can see written all over her fallen expression and defeated posture.. "Do not lie to me, Luchenskaya. Tell to me 'ze truth."

"He's super fucking handsy, okay!" She warbles, a panicked crack in her pitchy voice.. "He always touches me inappropriately, Konstantin.. Even when I ask him not to! But nobody believes me! I tried to tell my boss about it and she said I needed proof! How the hell am I supposed to get proof of something like that!?"

She throws herself down onto the sofa where she begins to sob and shed tears again..

These past years I have watched her from a distance, how could I never have seen this pain in her?
How could she have hidden her misery, not just from me, but from everybody in her life?

"Blyat'! I did not mean for you to cry.. Boga radi-- stop thiz, My Solnyshko.." I cuss beneath my breath and plead with her to stop, cautiously creeping closer to sit beside her.. "Pleaze-- stop.."

"I can't!" Lucky shivers in fear or cold, I can't tell which..

As I sink down onto the cushions next to her she seeks my comfort, wriggling across and snuggling into my side, squeezing my knee tightly as she lays her head in my lap and my fingers slip through her silky golden curls.. "I will fix it, Kiska.. I swear to you, thiz man will never touch you again.. I will break every finger on hiz greedy handz.."

"W-What are you going to do?" She sniffles..

"I will talk with him.." This time I lie easily, unwilling to tell her the details that begin to formulate into a plan in my mind.. "I will make sure he understandz you do not belong to him.."

There will be no conversation.. I will kill this man 'Wren' before the week has ended.

"Really?"

I nod.. "For you, Malishka, I will do anything.."

"Anything?" Wiping her hopeful hazy eyes, she pushes up to peer up at me..

"Da.." I brush back her pretty curls and admire her affectionately as she sways a little from side to side, still strongly affected by the hard liquor we'd consumed..

"Konstantin.. I--I want you to kiss me again.." She whispers..

I heave a breath of defeat, the baser instincts in me becoming almost too much to bear.. "Will you stop crying if I do thiz?"

She nods, her beautiful gaze becoming bright and dreamy.. "Yes.. I promise.."

I take her tear streaked cheeks in my hands and smooth away the silvery droplets with my thumbs as I lean closer..
Her eyelids flutter closed and her pink lips pout as I demonstrate to her my total loss of self control..

Carefully, with a gentle mouth I press my lips to hers to taste vodka and the sweet fruits of her lipgloss.. Knowing everything I know about her, I kiss her differently than the way my primal desires dictate.. Instead of consuming her, I savour her softly..

"Mmmmhh Konstantin.. You're so freaking hot--" She mumbles and moans against my mouth, pressing closer until she has crawled into my lap.. Her hands slip through my hair and her fingers link behind my neck.. "I think about you all the time.. Do you think about me too?"

Lifting her chin with my knuckles so that I can look into her eyes I expose another of my secrets to her, it seems I am powerless to Lucky.. This woman makes me weak.. "I have thought about nobody but you since 'ze day we met, Malishka.."