In the green valley of Epsilon's version of Blood Gulch, the cobalt AI himself is standing alone on a small hill.

Epsilon: (voice over) Hi, my name is Leonard Church. But nobody calls me Leonard. Most people call me Church sometimes they call me Alpha and a few people even know me as the Director, but I haven't been called that in a really, really long time. You see I know that when you look at me, I know I look like a super badass space warrior, but I'm really not. I'm actually a-

Tucker: (yelling) Hey, Church!

Epsilon: (voice over) Uh... (clears throat) Just, uh, ignore him. I'm actually a computer program that's been reincarnated in the memory of-

Tucker: Church!

Tucker continues yelling in the background as Epsilon continues his monologue.

Epsilon: (voice over) I'm actually a computer program that's been reincarnated in the memory of the-

Tucker: Where the hell are you?!

Epsilon: (voice over) Okay...I'm just gonna start over. I'm just...I'm gonna go back to the beginning.

Tucker: Church!

Epsilon: (voice over) (clears throat) Hi.

Tucker: Church!

Epsilon: (voice over) My name is Leonard Church.

Tucker: Church!

Epsilon: (voice over) But nobody calls me-

Tucker appears atop the cliff.

Tucker: Hey Church, come on!

Epsilon: (groans) God damn it! What?! What do you want?!

Tucker: Come on! Get up here!

Rho: (runs to the edge next to Tucker) Just get your ass up here and he'll stop yelling for ya!

Epsilon: Yeah, okay, hold on. For God's sakes, I'm coming! Shut up! (whispers to himself on the way up) God damn it, I can't even have one fucking moment to myself. Can't even be alone with my thoughts, not even for a second. Somebody's always gotta fucking yell, or scream, or "come look at this," or "what's going on over here," or "hey Church, help me out I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!" Fucking assholes. God I forgot how much this place sucks.

Tucker and Rho walk to Caboose, as he stops looking down at the Reds with a sniper rifle.

Caboose: Now when he gets up here, remember the plan.

Tucker: Plan? What plan?

Caboose: We only have one shot at this. Don't let it fall apart.

Tucker: Why are you talking to us like this is supposed to make sense? Is this another one of your idiot schemes to make Church your best friend?

Rho: How is this a surprise to you? He does this practically every goddamn day at least once!

Caboose: Ok. Shsh-remember, let me do the talking.

Tucker: Do the talking about what, idiot?

Caboose: Don't worry, I got this.

Tucker: What would we be worried about? We don't even know what you're doing.

Epsilon makes it to the cliff, panting heavily.

Caboose: Hey Church, welcome to the cliff.

Epsilon: Hey guys. Man, whoo... (continues panting)

Caboose: Okay, abort. The plan did not work.

Tucker: That was it? Okay, now I actually want to know: what was the plan? Because apparently phase one was saying hi. What's next, were you going to wave?

Caboose: Abort. Abort!

Rho: Again, how is this a shock to you? Do you pay attention to anything?

Tucker: Hard to do that when you're yelling in my ear.

Rho casually side-punches Tucker to the ground, making the aqua soldier fall and yelp in pain.

Epsilon: (still panting) Hohw... what're you guys... what do you guys want? (gasp)

Rho: Jesus, man. I get that you're trying to get used to having a human body again, but were you THIS out of shape when you had one?

Epsilon: (gasp) Fuck... you.... besides, you've never had a human body (pant) PERIOD.

Rho: Yeah, but at least I don't pant like I have asthma problems. Gotta say though, it feels kind cool being physical and not abstract. (looks at muscles) Boom. Bam! Firepower, baby!

Caboose: Oh God, I know, I- I hate having one of those; i-it's like, it always wants to pee. Like all the time.

Tucker: What the fuck is everyone talking about today? Did I miss a staff meeting? What other body would you have guys have?

Epsilon: Its uh... it's a long story. Remind me to tell you sometime. So, uh, what's up? Whats going on?

Tucker: We have movement over at the Red Team's base. I thought we should check it out. Actually, I thought we should ignore it, but there's really not anything else to do.

Epsilon: Movement? What kind of movement?

Caboose: The Red kind.

Tucker: Remember that new vehicle they got? They've been making modifications to it.

Epsilon: Well that doesn't sound good. How are they modifying it?

Tucker: I don't know, why are you asking me?

Epsilon: Wait- you've been up here watching them all this time, can't you make a guess?

Tucker: Well I don't know man, they sure as hell ain't installing a stereo.

Epsilon: Thanks, Caboose what do you think it is?

Caboose: Yeah, actually I was gonna say stereo, but now it seems like a bad idea to say that, so now I'm going to say... radio.

Tucker: That's the same thing, idiot.

Caboose: Yeah I know, but I still think I won somehow.

Epsilon: Oh, for God- Rho, your take? At least you've got some brains.

Rho: 'Some' brains? Wow, you really know how to insultingly compliment someone, Church.

Epsilon: Will you just fucking tell me?

Rho: Tell you what? That you're apparently fat and can't compliment someone if your life depended on it?

Epsilon: You know what? Fuck you. Caboose, let me see the sniper rifle, I'll check for myself.

Tucker: Do you even know how to use that thing?

Epsilon: Do I know how to use- of course I know how to use it. Don't uh... hey where's the um... how do I make it do the thing, the, thu... the thing, where everything gets closer? Everything gets closer and bigger? How do I do the closer, bigger thing, with it?

Tucker: You mean zoom?

Epsilon: Zoom, yeah that's it, zoom. What's tha-oh are you saying, do I say zoom? Zoom. Zoom! Rifle.

Rho: Press the black button above the trigger, dumbass.

Epsilon: Oh. (zooms in) Shut up.

Rho: Now I see why everybody calls you out on your aim.

Down below, the Red Team was working on the Warthog's recent modifications.

Donut: Ok that'll do 'er. Fire it up, boss.

Sarge gets in the Warthog.

Donut: Let's test this bad boy out. Simmons, hop up!

Simmons get's on the turret.

Epsilon: Huh. Yeah, looks like they modified their jeep. They changed the turret. What is that, some kind of radar dish?

Tucker: I think it's a rocket launcher.

Rho: Surprisingly, I'm with the perv.

Epsilon: That's impossible. You can't fire rockets from a jeep, dumbass. There'd be too much torqe or something like that. It's probably some kind of like microwave transmitter.

Rho: Okay, one: the term is "backfire". And two, Warthogs are already outfitted with long-range communication systems.

Tucker: Yeah, AND they were loading rockets into it earlier. So unless they were microwaving explosives for a tasty snack, it's probably a rocket launcher.

Caboose: Ah, great. Now I want a snack.

Epsilon: Hey, didn't you hear what I said about the torqe? It's probably like-

The Reds fire a rocket at the cliff, blowing Epsilon, Rho, and Caboose back.

Epsilon: Son of a bitch!

Tucker: Yeah, I'm feeling pretty confident about my rocket launcher guess.

Rho: (irritated) Oh, really? What was your first clue?!

Caboose: Yeah... I don't know, I think Church was right, I'm pretty sure I just torqed in my pants.

Another rocket is fired.

Tucker: Ah! I hate being right all the time!

Donut pumps his fist.

Donut: (yelling) Yeah! Almost got you that time, sluts!

Slade: Woo-hoo! Eat rocket, ya wankers!

Donut: Reload, Simmons!

Simmons: Alright.

Donut: Let's put the next one right up their ass!

Simmons: Uh, okay, sure, but you don't need to say it like that. I think the weapon is equally as effective, no matter where it hits them.

Donut: Start stuffing, Simmons!

Simmons: Ok, ok.

Slade: Donut, chill out, mate,

Up above, the Blues were crouched away from the edge.

Epsilon: Was that Donut?

Tucker: I dunno, that's the chick who was working on the jeep.

Epsilon: That's not a girl Tucker. He just wears pink armor. It's a guy.

Tucker: It is? Are you sure?

Epsilon: Yes, I'm sure.

Tucker: Uh... then I suddenly feel pretty awkward about something I did twenty minutes ago.

Caboose: During alone time?

Epsilon: What the hell is alone time?

Tucker: Hey, it's one of the rules of the cliff, dude. What happens in alone time stays in alone time.

Rho: Christ, man. We did not need to know nor remotely even hear that.

Epsilon: What do you do during alone time, Caboose?

Caboose: Oh, I do the same stuff I do during together time. Only half.

Epsilon: What?

Tucker: Another benefit of alone time: not listening to him for a few minutes.

Simmons fires another rocket.

Donut: Hoorah, bitches! Hoo fucking rah!

Simmons: Yeah, take that Blues!

Donut: The next one's blowing your armor clean off!

Simmons: Or it will just hurt you a lot! You know some of us realize that's enough. Why do you keep making it weird?

Slade: How is blowing their armor off weird? Seriously, what nightmares have you been having, mate?

Epsilon: Dammit. Rocket jeeps? Donut giving orders? This is getting ridiculous. I'm putting a stop to this.

A slight tremor happens.

Tucker: Church wait!

Caboose: Tucker, get down! They're firing again.

Rho: That wasn't a rocket, Caboose. That was... something else. Oh, God, I hope that wasn't what I think it is.....

Tucker: Church, where are you going? Church!

Epsilon: To set things straight Tucker. If we're going to do this, it has to be done the right way. Or there's no point in doing it at all. Ok? There's an order to things, Tucker. An order.

PROJECT FREELANCER MCC, MANY YEARS AGO...

The Director is seen looking at a holographic Freelancer Leaderboard. The Counselor walks up to him.

Counselor: Our operatives are in position, Director.

Director: Good. Send them in.

Counselor: If I may say sir, my testing indicates that this might not be the best...

Director: The system will determine what's best Counselor. The system will determine the order. Send them in. And be sure Agent California is sent down with them as well.

Counselor: Sir, Agent California has been having extreme traumatic nightmares. I do not believe-

Director: Send him in, Counselor! That's an order. We'll deal with mental stress in time. For now, we have a mission to complete and Agent California is our best bet at making it IS completed.

Counselor: Understood, sir.