Destroyed Desert
Sarge and Donut are trying to fix the jeep from underneath, while Leo is checking the hood.

Sarge: Donut, hold the light right there. No, not on me, on that. Why would I need the light, on my face?

Donut: Hey Sarge, what's that metal thing that looks like a bunny!? Ooh, ooh, and what's that other metal thing that looks like a soup can?

Sarge: Don't touch anything, Donut. Okay fellas, I think I've got it. Give her a crank, Leo!

Leo: (Sighs) Hopefully it works this time.

Leo walks to the driver seat of the warthog and leans over to turn on the engine but, all they hear is a dying engine.

Leo: Still not working Sarge!

Sarge: Dam maybe it's not supposed to go there then?

Leo: Sarge why don't I just have a look under?

Sarge: I've put you through enough hassle Leo, you go on and relax.

Leo: Alright then but, call them if you need some help.

Sarge: The only thing I'll be calling for is where the tarnation are Grif and Simmons!

Leo: I'll go look for them.

Leo walks away from the warthog to begin his search for his teammates.

To Grif, Simmons and Tucker.

Simmons: No, I don't think getting new rims for the jeep's a good idea.

Grif: (in the driver seat of the jeep) Oh come on! If we all kick in, we can get some spinners, some kickass subs, hydraulics!

Tucker: I'm in.

Simmons: Why?

Grif: Uh, for style?

Tucker: For chicks!

Simmons: What chicks, there's noone for miles. We don't even know if anyone's still alive.

Grif: What, suddenly you're a pessimist?

Tucker: Yeah, but if we do find some women, we will literally be the last men on Earth for them.

Grif: He's right.

Tucker: All my life I've had girls tell me, "not if you were the last man on Earth," haha. Well that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweetass pimped out ride, bitch.

Leo finally sees the three of them talking and comes over to join them.

Leo: There you guys are, Sarge needs you guys help.

Simmons: Hold up Leo! Just before we leave do you think getting rims for the jeep is a good idea?

Leo: First off, why would we even need them?

Tucker: Uh duh, for chicks!

Leo: Really Tucker? What chicks are we going to find out here?

Simmons: That's what I said!!

Tucker: Anyway the outcome will be worth it.

Grif: (Mumbles) Unless they slap you first.

Leo: (With his arms cross) Seriously? Are girls all you think about?

Tucker: What else is their to think of?

Leo: Well how about learning to respect girls first before you try seduce them.

Tucker: Oh so your one of those 'permanent guys' huh.

Leo: 'Permanent guys'?

Tucker: The guys that only want one girl.

Leo: (Glares) What's wrong with that.

Tucker: It's just not my style man!

Leo: Look I'm just that type of guy who wants his first time to be special ok!

Sarge: (standing up) If you ladies are through gossipping, I could use some help fixing our vehicle.

Grif: Oh yeah, right, here let me try.

Sounds of the jeep starting up, then it moves a foot or two and grinds to a stop.

Sarge: Wait!

Leo: Donuts still under!

Donut: (still under the jeep) Ya-ya-yaaaoouwwwww!

Leo runs over to Donut and drags him by the feet, out from under the jeep.

Sarge: Donut, are you okay?

Donut: I was just, petting, the bunny. And then it went in to the soup can... and part of my hand went with it.

Leo: (Sees Donuts hand) Ooooh gosh....um am sure that'll heal over time........maybe.

Sarge: (lying back down) Gehrururur...

Tucker: Bunny and hand soup, just like Mom used to make.

Leo: Sounds nice.

Tucker: It sure was.

Sarge: Donut, I told you not to touch anything. You touched everything! That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!

Simmons hops up in the passenger seat of the jeep.

Grif: Hey, what're you doing?

Simmons: What does it look like I'm doing, I'm getting in the jeep.

Grif: What're we, on a date? Get in the back.

Simmons: Oh you're so insecure.

Sarge: (standing back up) Will you two shut up? We need to get this thing fixed.

Donut: I feel dizzy, Sarge...

Sarge: Oh, that's just blood loss. You'll make new blood, you just need some orange juice.

Leo: Sarge, we need a real doctor besides Doc, to fix that up.

Sarge: It would be nice to have a real medic.

Tucker: What's the rush on getting this thing fixed, anyway?

Sarge: Listen dirtbag, I know on Blue Team you like to lollygag a bit-

Tucker: There is no Blue Team. It's all a lie. Red and Blue are the same.

Grif: Aw, don't start that crap again.

Simmons: You sound like a conspiracy nut when you talk about that stuff. The government put a chip in my brain.

Leo: Come on guys it does make a lot of since if you think about.

Simmons: Don't buy into what he's saying, Leo!

Grif: The President can hear my thoughts.

Donut: We never landed on the sun.

Grif: (sharp inhale) They put fluoride in my water!

Simmons: Actually, that one's true.

Grif: It is? No wonder I listen to so much pop music.

Leo: So that's what I heard at night!

Grif: Don't judge me man!

Sarge: We're fixing the jeep because we need to be prepared. Just as our enemies are no doubt preparing to attack us at this very moment.

Tucker: But you guys think I'm your enemy, and I'm not preparing to do anything. 'Cept get L-A-I-D.

Simmons: ...

Grif: ...

Leo: (Facepalm) Tucker, just no.

Tucker: What?

Grif: We just think that was fucking weak.

???
To Doc O'Malley and Lopez's head in some sort of base.

O'Malley: (maniacal laughter) Yes, this place will do nicely for an evil lair. It's diabolically designed!

Doc: As a student of feng-shui, I can tell you this house is 88% good luck. Also, very breezy. I like the floorplan.

O'Malley: Quiet you fool.

Lopez: >I just want my own room. I hate sharing with the vacuum.<

O'Malley: Hello? Is anyone home? Don't be alarmed, we're only here to kill you and take all your possessions. Excellent! No doubt our very presence, has scared everyone away! (evil laugh)

Doc: Why don't we just see if this place is listed by a licensed real estate agent?

O'Malley: Oh shut up!

Doc: But we don't even know if it's been inspected recently. It could need foundation work.

Lopez: >It could have mold.<

O'Malley: Both of you shut up. We're moving in and that's final. It has machine gun turrets, two living quarters with ample closet space, and a short commute to my secret laboratory! ...It's perfect.

Doc: Yeah, but what about the school district?

Lopez: >We have no children.<

Doc: It's important to think about resale value, Lopez.

O'Malley: Resale value? Our plan is to rule the world! Not make prudent investments.

Lopez: >It's important to have a fallback plan.<

O'Malley: Oh shut up. We're moving in, that's final.

Doc: Hey look, a computer! Now I can finally update my blog.

Lopez: >You have a blog?<

Doc: Yeahah, it's great. It's just like being a real journalist, but without all the hassle of like liability and accuracy.

O'Malley: No, I need that computer for compiling evil formulas. And to rebuild the weather machine. Also to download music. (evil laugh)

Lopez: >Does anyone want a g-mail invite?<

Doc: Ooh, I do!

Lopez: >I only have 40,000. It's very exclusive.<

O'Malley: Where's the mouse thingy?

Doc: It has one of those red rubber dot thingies on the keyboard. That's way better than a mouse. I call it a nubbin. Who wants to touch my nubbin?

The End
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