Fortress
Doc/O'Malley are behind a turret on top of the fortress.

O'Malley: Yeeees, this place is coming along nicely. Excellent work repairing the turrets, Lopez.

Lopez: >Thank you. I find manual labor stimulating.<

Doc: I still say a flowerbox would have been a bit more neighborly.

O'Malley: Oh shut up you fool!

Doc: Hey, we should start a neighborhood association. It's just like a government, but run by housewives and old people. So it's a lot more efficient at controlling your lives.

O'Malley: Get out of my head!

Doc: Technically it's my head. But I don't mind sharing. Don't you remember that talk we had about sharing?

O'Malley: Shut up!

Suddenly a strange red soldier is running towards ...something.

Red Zealot: At last! My pilgrimage is over! I have reached the promised land!

O'Malley: (running to the ledge, through the fan) Who is that. Oh no. Not this buffoon! How did he get here?

Lopez: >He probably was blown nearby by the bomb.<

O'Malley: Hellooooo. What do you want?

Red Zealot: The disembodied voice of God! (kneels) I hear you Holy One! I have made it to the temple and await your command!

O'Malley: Up here- Helloooo. Red Moron. Eyes up, chop-chop!

Red Zealot: Oh. Greetings! Are you the gatekeeper of the temple?

Doc: Us? No, we just moved in. Can you help us move a couch? And do you know any good restaurants nearby?

O'Malley: Just a second. (To Doc) Listen you fool, let me handle this.

Doc: I don't know, you haven't been the best choice when it comes to making friends. Maybe I should try.

O'Malley: Nonsense! With the proper handling, this fellow will make an excellent stooge. And I'm the one here with the most experience training Stooges. Isn't that right, Lopez...

Lopez: Nyuk, nyuk.

O'Malley: You see!?!

Doc: Okay, you can handle this, but I get to hang my motivational posters in the living room. Hang in there kitty!

O'Malley: Fine. But I'm telling you that cat will never make it to Friday. (To courtyard) Yes, I am the guardian of the temple. What do you want?

Red Zealot: I have travelled great distances, in search of enlightenment!

O'Malley: Reaaally, that's perfect. We have tons of that in here, but listen. We just can't let anyone in who wants to get in, so goodbye.

Red Zealot: Wait! I will do anything. Just tell me what I need to do to gain entrance.

Doc: Psst, ask him what he knows about gardening.

Lopez: >Ask him if we can have his shoulders.<

Doc: Maybe he knows how to use that computer we found.

Doc/O'Malley open the gate, to let the Red Zealot inside.

O'Malley: Alright then come on in. We'll think of something, (evil laughter).

Lopez: >Tone it down. You're going to blow it.<

O'Malley: (yet again, more evil laughter)

Lopez: >OK, now that's just too much.<

In the distance, someone hides behind a pillar.

O'Malley: What was that? (turning away slowly) Hmm... (turning back quickly) Aha! Heh? (turning away) Hmm, a-ha! ...Minding my own business, slowly walking away and HAA, I got you! (turns around). ...Oh forget it.

Destroyed Desert
Simmons and Grif walking by a convenient skull.

Sarge: Grif, Simmons, where've you two been?

Simmons: Our patrol didn't go exactly as planned, Sarge.

Leo walk up besides Sarge.

Sarge: Did you find something?

Leo: Hold up, where's the jeep?

Grif: Yeeaah, it's like this.

Sarge: Grif... Leo and I just built that jeep, I don't want to hear that it's been destroyed.

Grif: Oh, well then maybe I should stop talking. Or you can stop listening.

Leo: Oh for crying out loud!!

Sarge: Grif!

Simmons: Nonono it's not destroyed Guys, the engine just quit.

Sarge: And what exactly were you doing when the engine died?

Grif: Duh, getting the jeep outta the ditch.

Leo: How did you guys get stuck in a ditch?

Grif: Well we were totally not trying to re-enacting the coolest scene from The Dukes of Hazzard ever.

Sarge: Rrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Leo: Grif, just why would you even do that!

Grif: It wasn't me! Simmons was the one driving!

Simmons: No I wasn't, I was holding the arrows and the dynamite!

The four of them make there way to the ditch that the jeep is currently stuck in.

Sarge: Wait a second, this thing isn't busted, it's just outta gas.

Grif: It runs on gas?

Leo: Wait, how did you find fuel Sarge?

Sarge: Well Leo, I was able to modified the fuel cells to utilize a form of cold fission, powered by solar energy.

Leo: That's actually a smart idea Sarge!

Sarge: Why thank you Leo, I also try to make the best modifications I can!

Simmons: So then why is it dead, sir?

Sarge: You would have had to park it in the shade for at least two hours. What were you doing parked in the shade for two hours?

Grif: Well I can tell you what we weren't doing...

Leo: You could also just tell us the truth Grif.

Grif: And get killed by Sarge? No thanks!

Sarge: Ah, forget it. Come on, help me push this thing in the sunlight. One, two, three!

Leo, Sarge and Simmons walk over to the jeep and start trying to push it into the sunlight, Grif faces the other way and doesn't help at all.

Simmons: Hurrrr...

Sarge: Hurrrrniaaa.

Leo: Hurrr... Dam this things heavy!

Grif: Hurr. Man this thing weighs a ton. Holy crap. Wowzers.

Simmons: Dumbass.

Leo: (Grunts) A little help Grif?

Grif: Oh right.

They all push it in to the sun.

Sarge: Hurrrr.

Grif: Stupid jeep.

Leo: I've just noticed something, where's Tucker and Caboose?

Simmons: Caboose is helping Donut feel better and Tucker is having his *cough* private time.

Leo: Seriously? At a time like this?

Grif: That's just gross man.

Leo: (Looks at the front of the jeep) Hey why's the fender busted at the front?

Sarge: (Turns to Grif) Grif, what happened to this fender?

Grif: It was like that when we took it out!

Sarge: And where's the hubcap?

Grif: Man, this neighborhood's really going to crap.

Sarge: I gotta buy those in sets of four, numbnuts.

Simmons: The jeep's getting power.

The jeep gets power, just like Simmons predicted, and that same stupid song starts playing.

Leo: Oh god not this again!

Sarge: Turn that crap off.

Music stops, radio sounds are heard.

Tex: (over the radio) Come in, does anyone hear me? Over.

Sarge: What the, who's that?

Leo: Why does that voice sound familiar?

Tex: (over the radio) This is Freelancer Tex, looking for anyone from the Blood Gulch Outposts, do you read. Over.

Leo: TEX?! She's alive! YES!! She's aliveee!! Nothing can keep here down!

Grif: Well Leo's Mum is back.

Simmons: Hang up on her.

Sarge: Good idea.

Leo: What?! But, what if she needs our help?!

Simmons: I'm sure she'll be fine, Leo.

Tex: (over the radio) I have found O'Malley's base. I repeat, I have found O'Malley's base.

Sarge: O'Malley? Son of a-

Leo: See! She needs our help!

Simmons: Where is she tho?

Tex: (over the radio) They seem to be holed up in some kind of a fortress. I'm not sure how I got here or how they built it, but if you can read this, I need you to get to me as fast as you can.

Leo, Grif and Simmons talk over her transmission.

Grif: Maybe we could use the radio to triangulate her position.

Leo: Nice think Grif But, we only have on radio for that.

Simmons: Yeah, we would need a third point to triangulate.

Grif: Okay, well let's just pick a point between her and us.

Simmons: What? That's not a triangle you idiot, that's a line!

Grif: Right, a line that we'll follow straight to Tex! It's the perfect mathematical plan!

Leo: You guys just try and think of a way to track her, while I see what I can do with the radio.

Leo walks away, towards the radio and tinkers with it.

Simmons: Hey Grif, why don't you just stick to criticizing other people's ideas, instead of coming up with your own.

Grif: It does seem to be my talent.

Sarge: I could simulate a third radio by using some of this sand, and the heat from the jeep's tailpipe to make an enormous refractory lens. And then-

Leo: Hey guys, no worry's she's giving us her coordinates!

Tex: (over the radio) My coordinates are two two niner delta, by one point three seven gamma.

Simmons: Alright we know where she is now. ...What's wrong Sarge?

Sarge: (sigh) Nothing.

Simmons: You really wanted to make the lens, didn't you.

Sarge: You're damn right!

Leo: We can also make them some other time Sarge.

Sarge: I guess so.

Tex: (over the radio) I need you guys to come right away. Or better yet, send someone who can fight.

Grif: So do we just send Leo then?

Leo: Haha...ha very funny Grif, you guys are coming with me!

Grif: Son of a bitch.

The End
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