Observing Room
To the observing room, where the Reds are at, looking at Grif's naked Sister on the screen.

Grif: PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! What's the one thing I told you? Don't embarrass the family!

Simmons: I don't think she's embarrassing -whoa, why is she doing splits?

Leo: I think my innocence, just broke.

Grif: Then stop looking at her!

Leo: I've tried and failed! Blame my teenage hormones!

Sarge: Huh, is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?

Simmons: Does this thing take dollar bills?

Grif: Come on, that's my sister! And you're looking at her naked!

Simmons: So? She's not our sister.

Grif: Stop looking at her!

Simmons: Why does Donut get to look?

Donut: Hey, why does the Blue base get so much more natural light than ours? It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.

Grif: That's why Donut gets to look.

Simmons: Donut isn't the only one looking.

Grif: What are you talking about!

Grif looks at the screen and sees Doc and Wade, watching her stretch.

Grif: Wade!? Why is he there with her!

Leo: And Doc, to.

Sarge: Ohhh, look, she's puttin' her armor back on. Uh, I mean, oh look, she is putting her armor back on. Good work Soldier!

Grif: Don't patronize me.

Leo: Well, besides that it looks as if the blues are having a meeting, now.

Sarge: What? I knew it. They're coming to attack our base. Dirty backstabbers.

Donut: I thought the Blues were supposed to attack us?

Sarge: Dirty frontstabbers! Simmons, what're they saying?

Simmons: I have no idea. I can't find the volume on this monitor. And without any sound it just looks like a bunch of helmets bobbing up and down.

Sarge: Is that how they talk? They look ridiculous.

Leo: But, we do it to.

Grif: Huh, I guess we do..... why do we do that?

Leo: It just feels... natural, I guess?

Grif: .....weird.

Blue Base
To the Blues all gathered on top of Blue Base.

Church: Alright, Vic called and said we should attack the Red base right away. I don't know why but, I guess we're gonna do it.

Wade: Aren't we cool with the reds, tho?

Church: I don't know man, Vic just said to attack them, that's all.

Tucker: Attack? Shouldn't we call soldiers or the military for something like that?

Wade: I got called in here, remember?

Tucker: Yeah but, I mean more soldiers.

Church: And for some reason he thinks it's a good idea for some of us to go through the caves.

Tex: Why?

Church: I don't know, who cares? So, me, Tex, Wade and Tucker are gonna go right up the middle.

Tucker: What about my kid? He can't go in to battle!

Church: Doc, Sister, and Junior, you guys go get lost in the caves.

Wade: That solves one problem.

Church: We'll find you after the battle's over. Unless we die, in which case we won't find you, and you're gonna have to find us. And if that happens I want to be buried as far away as possible from these three.

Tucker: Yeah, and I wanna be stuffed and put on a couch with a cooler full o' beer, a bag full of cheese puffs, non-stop reruns of Baywatch and- ah, you know what, it's all in my will.

Wade: Just bury me viking style.

Tucker: Why's that?

Wade: I'll be one with the flames, man.

Caboose: What about me? Can I get lost too?

Tex: No Caboose, I need you to stay here and watch Sheila.

Church: Yeah, if the transfer gets interrupted we might lose her altogether.

Caboose: Oh, that would be bad.

Church: Right, otherwise how would you accidentally kill people?

Caboose: Hmm, well I suppose I could always-

Church: Shut up that was rhetorical. Wade, Tucker come on, let's get going.

Doc: Where should we go?

Church: Dhe-a- I don't care. Just be ready to come running with the cavalry if we start screaming in pain. Unless Tucker starts screaming in pain, in which case, you know, feel free to point and laugh.

Tucker looks down at Junior.

Tucker: Well little dude, I guess there's a time when every little boy becomes a man.

Doc: Tucker he's only three days old.

Tucker: Yeah, they grow up so fast.

Church: Also he's not a boy, he's a grub.

Wade: A little rascal, at most.

Tucker: The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers. Invest in real estate; there's no such thing as a permanent record; always eat breakfast; all the girls on the internet are actually dudes; and you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on anything. Ever. Oh also, chicks like it when you tell them they're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to 'em. So mix it up a little.

To Church and Tex walking away from blue base in the distance.

Church: Tucker let's go!

Tucker: Okay little dude, I gotta go now. Tex needs me, Wade and Church to back her up.

Junior: Bow chicka honk honk.

Wade: Wow, I guess you've been teaching him some stuff.

Tucker: Teach? You don't teach that. That shit's genetic.

Blood Gulch
To Tex, Church, Wade and Tucker walking along the cliff on the side of the Canyon toward Red Base.

Church: I don't see anything.

Tex: I'll move up. You three stay here.

Wade: Alright.

Tucker: You want us to cover you?

Tex: Yeah. Cover me. That way I won't get hurt. Just don't run away.

Tucker: Hey, you don't have to be a bitch.

Tex approaches Red Base, while Church looks on through the scope of the sniper rifle.

Wade: Is she always like that?

Tucker: That's Ms. Bitch to, yeah.

Church: I don't see anything at all. It's like they're all hiding or somethin'.

Tucker: Uh, what do you see?

Church: I just said I don't see anything, I just said that.

Tucker: Man, I hate that I never get the fucking sniper rifle!

Wade: Haven't you held a sniper rifle, before?

Tucker: No, because this dick head won't let me a go at it!

Church: Oh yeah boo hoo, all you've got is your stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you.

Tucker: Come on dude, just once. Let me use it, just one time, I won't ever ask again! Pleeeeeeeease? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

Church: Can I use the sword?

Tucker: Oh hell yes!

Church: Fine, here.

Tucker and Church, both trade weapons with Tucker having a sniper rifle and Church having his sword.

Tucker: Oh kickass! Heh heh! Okay no, wait, how do I zoom? I'm zoomed!

Wade: Should be the button on the side of it.

Church: Hey Tucker, the sword doesn't even work. What a fuckin' gyp.

Tucker: Now how do I- wait what is this thing?

Church: Okay, whatever dude, just don't-

Tucker shoots Tex right in the ass.

Tex: OW!

Church: What the fuck, did you just fire that thing?

Wade: I think I know why you don't get the sniper rifle, now.

Tucker: Oops! That was an accident.

Church: We're s'posed to be sneaking up on 'em, dumbass. They're gonna hear us, gimme it back.

Tucker: Um, yeah, okay take it back.

Church: I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these year- Hey, Tex, what're you doing back?

Tex punches Church in the face.

Church: OW! What the fuck did I do!?

Tex: Asshole!

Wade: That's got to hurt a lot.

Tucker: I told him to be careful with that thing, he's just not very good with it.

The End
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