Ship
Inside the ship, to the computer readouts.

Sheila: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808- wait a minute. Where am I?

Caboose: Sheila! You're awake! I am so happy, look- we got you a new place to live. Now you are the big ship lady.

Sheila: I like it. It is so roomy. Much nicer than that stuffy old tank.

Caboose: And now... you can fly.

Sheila: Are you the pilot Caboose? Shall I run the tutorial program?

Caboose: Mmm, yeah. Uh, let's not do that right now.

Underground Cavern
To the underground cavern view screen the Reds are looking at.

Sarge: Look they're invading our base! And we're not even there to defend it. Oh the humiliation! Men, this aggression cannot stand. We'll beat those Blues all the way back across the canyon. This is the moment we've all been training for!

Grif: Training? We haven't done any training. Wait, is sleep considered training?

Leo: Sleeping isn't training, Grif! I gave you plenty of opportunities to join me, in my training session, you know.

Grif: You mean those torture sessions? I'll pass.

Sarge: Simmons, as with all our battle plans, I need you to punch Grif in the back of the head. Simmons? Simmons!

Simmons: Uh huh, yeah, I agree. Everything you say is right, Red Team's great... hooray.

Sarge: Simmons, stop watching those T.V.s.

Donut: Yeah, Simmons, give it up. There's not gonna be any more pictures of naked girls on there.

Leo: Yeah, I think that's um... enough naked girls, for today.

Simmons: Shut up, you guys don't know that. Stop saying that. They don't know what they're talking about.

Sarge: Men, this won't be easy. The Blues will be totally bunkered down. At both bases, which gives them an enormous strategic advantage! But we're the Red Team.

A flag comes into view behind Sarge, and someone starts singing

Sarge: Sure, you might not be the best squad... might not be smart... or energetic, or have any skills that qualify you for duty in any other legitimately recognized military unit. However-

Leo: Uuuh guys, where did that flag come from?

Grif: Flag, who gives a fuck about the flag? How about who's singing?

Sarge: But with precise operations, and proper communication, we will emerge victorious! With a little luck, one of us in particular will die a horrible death! Either at the hands of the Blues, or as part of a cunning distraction by yours truly.

The singing stops.

Simmons: Why don't we just take over Blue Base?

Sarge: Nonsense! At Blue Base they're much more fortified. Blue Base has turrets. Blue Base has a tank!

Leo: Are we just going to ignore, who the hell was singing!

Grif: (Sighs) Just accept it Leo, we've already lost enough brain cells in this Canyon.

Simmons: But, Blue Base has no one in it.

Sarge: What?

Simmons: Look, see? They're all gone.

Sarge: Where'd they go?

Donut: They went to Red Base. That's what we've been talking about.

Grif: But which one of these caves leads to the Blue Base? I'm all turned around down here.

Donut: I have an idea.

To the Reds standing over the bodies of the two Blue corpses.

Donut: See, these are dead Blues.

Sarge: Yes, Donut, we're all very happy about the corpses. Sicko.

Leo: These look like Church and Tex, old bodies.

Donut: Don't you guys get it? When they buried you, you fell down here. When the Blues buried these two guys, they fell in too.

Simmons: (Mumbles) I thought the Blues had three dead guys.

Leo: That would mean, where right underneath there base!

Donut: Exactly and all we need to do is head up, and take 'em from behind.

Sarge: Cavernous conundrum, he's right! Let's go, men. We'll grab their base while they capture ours! On to glorious victory!

Simmons: Technically that's not victory. It's more like a stalemate.

Sarge: On to equilibrium, then?

Simmons: Yeah, that'll work.

Grif: Huhh, this war sucks.

Leo: You think it'll ever end?

Grif: Probably not.

Ship
Back to Caboose and Sheila.

Sheila: Diagnostic complete.

Caboose: Um, Sheila have you seen Tex?

Sheila: No. I have been running a diagnostic on my new home. I only need some minor repairs to my landing gear. But I require a replacement ignition coil to become functional. Do you have an ignition coil Private Caboose?

Caboose: Um no, uh but Tex wanted me to tell her when you started talking. Um... and I'm supposed to find her.

Sheila: My sensors indicate she is at the Red base.

Caboose: Um, no, that's the worst kind of base.

Sheila: Why did she want to speak to me?

Caboose: Oh, she just wanted to know where O'Malley is.

Sheila: Oh. Of course. Would you like to know where O'Malley is, Caboose?

Caves
To the cave Sister, Doc, and Junior went in.

Sister: So by the time I got home it was four A-M, and when my Mom asked where I was, I told her I was riding around on the train all night, which I guess is technically true...

Doc: Uh yeah, we don't have to talk about stuff any more. Let's just walk. And not talk. Ever again.

Sister: Come on little guy, hurry up!

Junior: ~I'm not little! My dad told me it's not good to be little.~

Sister then sees Lopez head on the ground.

Sister: Oh my God, head.

Doc: Okay please, really, no more stories.

Sister: Seriously, it's a head. Look.

Doc: Huh?

Lopez: >Yo.<

Doc: Oh. It's you.

Lopez: >Whatever. Some way to treat your sidekick. Gone for days and you don't even look for me.<

Sister: You know him?

Doc: You speak Spanish?

Sister: Uh, of course I do, it's the year twenty-five hundred and I'm from America.

Doc: Aoh, cool. Tell him O'Malley is gone.

Sister: O'Malley no está aquí ya fue.

Lopez: >Your Spanish sucks.<

Sister: Who's O'Malley?

Red Base
To the Red Base, which the Blues have infiltrated.

Church: Alright, well, I guess let's break up into teams and search the base.

Tex: Got it.

Wade: Roger.

Radio sounds.

Caboose: Tex! Tex are you there, Tex? I know who O'Malley is!

Tucker: It looks like the Reds pulled out. Does that mean we win?

Church: I s'pose so.

Wade: Wouldn't that mean we have two bases, in the middle of a box canyon now.

Tucker: Whoopdie fuckin' doo.

Church: Right Tex?

Tex: (Aiming her gun at Church) Don't move, O'Malley.

Church: Oh, crap.

The End
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