I'm ashamed to say that I wanted to know more. When Ryder left, I was devastated, but that loss was neglected in the face of my family's death. I was angry, but I didn't have it in me to be both angry and sad, so slowly, I began to forget that anger...

...and then him. There were moments when I heard a favorite song or passed our regular record shop that memories would float back, but for the most part-I had somehow subconsciously blocked out Ryder.

I forgot Ryder even existed until Cas let something slip a few months after he left. It seemed as though the people around me were careful not to bring him and my family up, scared of me breaking. 

Despite this cautiousness, I overheard Cas telling Mo about a young, hot band that was topping the charts.

"...yeah. I can't believe where they have gotten. And all the fangirls. All the press. And damn the number of girls they have gone through, it's disgusting," she said bitterly.

"I like to say karma's a bi***, but that boy seems to be doing fine. It's not right," Mo said.

Cas resentfully whispered back, "He doesn't deserve it. The music doesn't even matter honestly. It's just, ugh, what kind of person is he?! He doesn't deserve it...."

"I know honey, but don't bring it up to her. I mean, she's trying, and it almost seems like she might be getting a bit better. I saw her laughing with a customer today. I haven't seen her beautiful smile in a long time," said Mo.

"You're right. It just sucks cause she has all this talent that I don't want her to give up on. And she deserves to be happy. I don't want her to find out about Broken-..."

That's when Cas saw me approaching from behind the counter. She attempted to subtly signal to Mo that I was approaching while awkwardly grinning at me, "Hey Ro. How's my favorite friend doing?"

"Fine, my favorite friend," I said playing along, giving her a small smile for good measure. I wanted her to think that she had made a clean break, but I had heard enough. I was tired of everyone walking on eggshells around me. 

So that night, I had spent hours searching all combinations of "broken," online when I finally found it. 

Broken Windshields. 

Broken Windshields was Ryder's band, and Cas had undersold it. 

They weren't just successful, they were rising rockstars. The headlines were filled with awards, top 100 billboard favorites, record deals, etc. They were on the brink of getting big.

I remember thinking that they were pretty cool-the band members were Ryder and two other guys, Xander and Dylan. They were especially popular for being an all-equal band, with no designated singer, drummer, or guitarist, no one was the lead. They each got to do everything they loved and it honestly seemed pretty special.

But Broken Windshields was becoming famous for more than their music. As handsome teens, they quickly became teenage heartthrobs, with thousands of fans. Media outlets were beginning to speculate the girl each song was about. 

Cas had been right, the number of girlfriends Dylan and Xander had must have kept the outlets guessing. 

While they were playboys, no one had reported on Ryder's elusive girlfriends. Reporters categorized him as cryptic and secretive, that there was a girl who had broken his heart and funny enough, that upped the allure. 

I got lost in a deep dive that night. I promised myself that I wouldn't listen to their music, because damn then, I would be a sure goner. And as luck would have it, I opened a random link about their top 100 billboard success and their music began to play and from there I was sucked in. 

I still remember the first song that I heard, "Drunk in Love." It was a beautiful indie melody, with a strong bass rhythm, and an astonishing drum solo. But it was the voice that blew me away. I only had to hear the first word to know that it was Ryder. 

The deep rich voice, the breathiness that filled pauses, the snap of the end of each line-it was him. Ryder had always been an incredible singer, but listening to that song, I felt his heartbreak, the tears he had shed, the sleepless nights, and the loneliness he felt. 

Must have been some girl...

So that night, I became a fan of Broken Windshields-and for that night only. I promised myself that tomorrow, Ryder wouldn't exist. Broken Windshields wouldn't exist. I didn't sleep and absorbed as much as I could. 

Every song that I listened to was incredible but brought the pain of a dream that I wouldn't have. 

I was happy for Ryder, but it was too hard not to compare it all to what my life had become and the dreams I had abandoned, and I hated myself for it. 

And with that, the next day, Broken Windshields didn't exist.

****************************************************************************

It was past ten by the time I got back to the apartment. After that long day, the creak of the gate and the squeak of the stairs of my subpar abode felt like home.

I slipped off my beanie and stripped, stepping into the shower. I silently prayed for hot water tonight, and someone up there must have been watching my sh** day, thinking I deserved something a little good because the water had never been warmer.

I was hoping that the warmth would lull me to sleep, but I was wide awake. 

On nights like this, I used to play around with some chords and songwrite, and for some reason, today, I was feeling it for the first time in a while.

I gently strummed a D minor chord. A few bars of a gentle arpeggio and the melody slowly escalated. I kicked up the tempo a bit and settled on eight beats per minute. The deep sound of A and D strings mixed with the fast-moving beat created a beautiful riff.

I used to  get drunk trying to forget

Getting high off of you...

It was easier to slow down and forget,

Then look at you, and remember you

So now when I drink, all I think is that

This is nothing compared to you

I'm tired of being drunk when I can be drunk in love with you

Drunk in love with you...

So why did I leave, when you

Were everything, and anything

That I could ever need

I miss being in love, drunk in love

With you...

I wasn't trying to remember the words, but somehow, I hadn't forgotten. 

And all I could think was- who did he leave behind?