When you're lonely

My life is silent

Splendid extinction 

Now pour the bourbon

Find a place to melt

Dwindling til I'm rid of your ugliness

This isn't happening

Why is this happening?

Forget I'm here

I'll just disappear

--scribbled in a notebook of Orion's

The tour went smashingly well. We go back and we're right back in the studio. The work doesn't stop--press releases, interviews, recordings, releasing, promotions. Most days we're all really tired, and most days we can't sleep very well because there's too much to do. So, as much as I hate to say it, we smoke weed from time to time just to get us to relax.

I don't really like drinking. And I know, weed is legal a lot of places, but it still just isn't my scene. But honestly, and as much as I hate to admit it, this lifestyle is starting to fuck us all up. Ben and I try to stay as straight laced as the years wear on. 

Don't get me wrong--I like sex. Safe sex, of course. The parties I hold tended to turn into orgies. It's not even like I consciously started holding sex and swinging parties--it just kinda happened.

And Ben's parties always got out of control with something breaking. I'm not really sure which was worse--the time we set the Bloom's house on fire, or the one time someone's yellow Escalade ended up in his pool. Somehow. I still can't wrap my mind around how that happened.

But between working so hard and partying so hard, we were spent. So that's why we're high in Orion's basement from good weed provided by Simon. Well, partially why. Gloria, Ben, and myself were pretty much convinced now that Orion had an eating disorder. And what better way to get someone to eat than to get them stoned off their ass.

Orion is getting drunk now, too. Which...I could do without. That's unfortunately started to become a constant in our lives, too. He's wearing his sunglasses now, for example, and I don't know if it's due to a hangover he's fighting off or to hide how red his eyes are from the pot.

"What was the first concert you guys ever went to?" Ben asks.

"Damn, that's a good question!" I say, grabbing another slice of pizza. "Paramore."

"How old were you?"

"Ten," I mumble around the pizza.

Orion puts three more slices of pizza onto his plate and digs in. "Depeche Mode, 2013. I saved up all my fucking money and snuck out. It was right before High School started. It was in Detroit."

"Nice!"

"Yeah. Got my ass beat for sneaking out though."

I frown. "That's sad."

Orion puts his finger in the air, singing in a high falsetto. "Worth it!"

We laugh.

"Okay okay okay--what's a band you'd join in a second?"

"Green Day!" I say immediately.

Ben groans. "Ufh, they're so overrated!"

"Fuck you! No they're not. They're amazing."

Ben rolls his eyes and stuffs pizza into his mouth.

"If they're so overrated, then why do they have like, a gazillion awards, and why is Billie Joe Armstrong like, a billionaire?"

Orion clears his throat. "His net worth is 55 million, actually."

We look at him and he blushes, running a hand through his hair.

"Er, I mean, not like I've ever looked that up or anything..."

We continue to stare. Orion sits up from where he was lounging, waving his arms in the air. "He's one of my idols, okay?! Don't look at me like that..."

I laugh.

"Guys," Orion says seriously, laying back down on the couch. He puts one hand behind his head, the other on his chest, and he stares at the ceiling. "What if this isn't me?"

"Huh?" I scrunch up my face.

"This. What we're doing. Saturn Mutants. What if I got it all wrong--my life, everything. What if this wasn't actually my calling? What if I don't actually have a calling, and this was sheer luck, and that luck is about to run out?"

Ben and I exchange a look.

"What if I was supposed to be destined to be stuck in a trailer park forever, and this is just a fluke, and the universe is going to rip the rug out from under me?"

"Oh whatever," Ben scoffs. "If any of that were true we wouldn't be here right now."

"What if everything I'm doing is just a crock of shit? What if everything I write is just a bunch of malarkey?"

"I think," I speak, sitting up from where I had been laying on the floor. "I think you've had too much weed."

Orion gets angry. "I'm being serious here!"

"Okay, and I wasn't?"

Orion gets to his feet. "You guys don't get it!"

"Oh Lord," Ben says, sitting up since he had also been sprawled on the floor. "Here we go."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means," Ben says, lumbering to his feet. "That I'm sick of the fucking bullshit you're on, Orion."

"And what bullshit would that be, Benjamin?"

"'Boohoo, I'm not good enough, I suck.'"

Orion takes a step forward, standing directly in front of Ben. I stand up.

"Guys," I warn.

"Here I am," Orion begins to shout, "pouring my heart out to you guys--"

"Whining is more like it," Ben snaps.

"You know what? Fuck you."

"No," Ben shouts now too, "fuck you. We're just your fucking little peons, Orion, your fucking little underlings. If you're so God damn miserable then change something, oh wonderful leader."

"You're not my underlings!" Orion sounds shocked.

"Yes we are!" Ben screams now. "That's all we ever were to you! Ever since you joined us it's all about you! So don't fucking sit here and pretend to be all hurt and wounded, because this is your fucking band!" Ben shoves him. "You write the lyrics!"

Orion shoves him back.

"Guys!" I snap.

"I write the fucking lyrics because every time I encouraged you to perform songs of yours, you fucking shot it down! We're not a fucking cover band, so someone has to step up and write material! So don't even fucking go there, man!"

"You never even consult us about what you write!"

"Yes I do!"

"You ask if we like it, not if anything could--or should--be changed!"

Orion waves his hands around. "When I ask you if you like it, that's an open invitation to give opinions!"

"I'm not a mind reader, how were we supposed to know that?!"

"Because I'm your friend and not some fucking tyrant like you're making me out to be!"

I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose and crossing my arms. I'm way too high for this fucking bullshit right now.

"If you don't want to be made to be a tyrant, then don't act like one!"

"I don't!"

"Yes, you do!"

I sigh again, speaking normally. "Could we just lower the volume, maybe just a bit?"

"If this is such a huge problem," Orion continues, my words unheeded, "why am I just fucking hearing about it now? We've been a band for years now!"

"Because you're a fucking psycho!"

Stunned, abrupt, silence. My head snaps up. Then Ben continues.

"I didn't want to fucking deal with your inevitable meltdown! I didn't want to deal with you sobbing, or disappearing for days, or going on a tirade about how much you suck! Or screaming at me--"

"We're screaming at each other now, so what's it matter?"

"You're just so fucking insufferable Orion!"

More shocked silence. I want to step in and say something, but I'm afraid I'd only make everything worse. I look worriedly at Orion, and he looks livid. Which...I guess at least he's not crying?

"You boss us around--"

"Since when?!"

"You call all the shots, you make all the music, and when you don't get your way or you don't like something, you absolutely lose your mind! And I'm sick of you drinking! I'm sick of it! I'm sick of all of it!"

"Then GET the FUCK--" Orion screams, pointing at the stairs, "OUT of my HOUSE."

"Gladly!"

Ben leaves, stomping up the stairs loudly. I'm afraid the spiral staircase is going to come down to be honest. I watch him leave, and then I watch the spot he left at until the front door slams upstairs. I sigh and shake my head, putting my hands on my hips.

"You can leave, too," Orion tells me quietly.

I look at Orion, confused. He looks pissed still, and he's glaring at me. "But I--but I didn't even do anything--"

"Please. I need awhile."

I guess the anger is contagious, because I'm suddenly pissed. "Fine!"

With that I leave, wondering what in the hell I just witnessed.