good ol angst with no happy ending

After kicking his family out of his flat, Dick blocked everyone in his contacts and disabled all the trackers he had. That took about two hours alone since his suit had multiple tiny ones that were ever so tricky to get out when you were trembling with anger. He didn't want anyone trying to contact him or stop him on patrol because they knew he was out. He didn't want apologies, he didn't want excuses, he didn't want to see any of them. In order to do that, he'd have to skip town for a bit. He grabbed his Nightwing suit because even if he was running away from the hero community, he wasn't going to run away from his duty as a hero. Someone else could take over Bludhaven whilst he was away. He'd already given enough to that city. Along with his suit, he filled a duffle bag with a few sentimental items and weapons which really proved he had no work-life balance when he had more weapons than items. Despite his anger at them, he allowed himself to keep a few momentos of his family and friends. He'd regret it otherwise. It took two duffel bags to have everything he needed which he shouldered before picking up his wallet, phone and keychain. He shouldered the bags and walked out of the flat, staring at it for a moment before closing the door and locking it. Right now he had something of a golden hour to get out of Bludhaven and find somewhere to lay low for a bit. He decided to just drive until he could no longer drive and stay overnight in a motel before doing the same again until he felt he could stop for longer. Perhaps this would be the gap year vibe he'd missed due to dedicating his life to work. He liked that idea. This could be a sort of self-care time where he could reflect on things. With this in mind, he plugged in his phone and put on a playlist to really fuel the spite he had then got to driving. 

Bruce, rightly so, was panicked. He'd forgotten Dick's birthday. He'd promised to never do it again and he'd intended to stick by that yet here he was desperately hoping someone other than Alfred didn't forget about his son. The results broke his heart. It shouldn't be this way but every phone call followed the same format. He'd ask if they knew it was Dick's birthday and they'd either tell him to stop joking or realize that they forgot right away and promise to call the acrobat. Not long after, he'd receive a text saying they couldn't get a hold of Dick. Some got panicked upon realizing the gravity of the situation and others were annoyed that his own family had forgotten, seemingly forgetting that they'd also forgotten. He passed on the message that Dick had cut them off to everyone but only a handful took it at face value. Whilst he was calling, his proteges got apprehensive. 

"He's still not responding," Jason complained after calling for the tenth time. Good thing Bruce was paying for his phone bill. 

"Have you guys thought of actually giving him space?" Duke suggested. He hadn't engaged with the constant calling and texting of other people and Dick. He supposed he was more understanding than they could be when someone needed to cut ties. Granted, he was still upset to be caught up in the mess but he didn't find much point in pushing Dick closer to just IP blocking the whole League. "He's just been hurt and I doubt you're making it any better doing exactly what he didn't want."

"You don't know Grayson like we do," Damian barked. He received a look from the new addition to their found family and he let out a frustrated sigh. The least he could do for Dick at this moment was explain why this situation was a massive fuck up. "When he gets stressed, he runs. He ran away when he was Robin when Father threatened his position as Robin, upon taking up a new mantle and so on and so forth. Everyone forgetting his birthday is an adequate stressor to make him run and we cannot allow that."

"Even if he doesn't run, he cut us off. Not because Bruce forced him this time. This isn't Golden Child behaviour which means we have a problem with new possibilities and people that are gonna have our ass if we don't stop those from happening," Jason added. 

"You do realize that every time you guys have picked him up then put him down and pushed him away before pulling him back in messes with him right? Like we're all aware of his trauma here. Abandonment from being orphaned, fears of not living up to things from being fired and being a protege to Batman, self-sacrificing is the neighbour of self-depreciation, fear of loss from friends and family dying-"

"We get it, Duke," Tim interrupted. "We all have our traumas."

"Yeah we do but what's that got to do with anything? You're not the one spending your birthday alone in your apartment because everyone forgot about you. He is." 

"How do you suggest we make it up to him?" Steph asked genuinely. He thought for a moment. It was a hard question to answer. On the one hand, he knew that Dick wanted their love and support. That was evident from being so upset that no one remembered him. On the other hand, Dick had set down a boundary that he didn't want to be overstepped. He may have said it in anger but he was probably still pissed about it and he had every right to be. The constant calling wouldn't help the feelings of being ignored because that was just ignoring what he said to them. 

"We give him space. Let him have a moment to recollect his thoughts. It's like he's just got a paper cut and our calling is just putting lemon juice in it. We've gotta let it heal before we go in."

"And what if it doesn't heal?" Jason asked.

"You should've thought about that before you treated him like you did."

It was the conversation with Barbara that truly broke his heart. She'd answered the phone irritated until she heard him ask the question. Upon it being asked, there was a long pause then a shakey, 

"No." He was going to hang up but she continued. "He was so excited too."

"He was?" Bruce asked.

"He was. When you offered the family mission, he thought it could be related to his birthday. He really wanted to spend the day with all of you. It's been a while." It had. "I was so caught up in this case."

"At least you have an excuse," the older sighed. There was no reason why he didn't remember. He simply didn't. He could've made the effort to remember too. That's what sectaries were for. He didn't need to be Batman to get someone to mark that down in a calendar. Yet he didn't. With all the resources at his disposal, he just didn't try. The worst part about it all was Dick thought the family mission was a present. Work had become his reward, his punishment, his present. There was only one person to blame for that and Bruce saw him when he looked in the mirror. "I need you to do me a favour."

"What is it?"

"Keep an eye on Bludhaven, see if he leaves. He's...he's cut me off. All of us off." There was silence.

"Is that what he said? You're not just assuming because he blocked you?"

"Said it himself. No family or friends. He's done with us. All of us." She sighed and he could picture her rubbing her temples as she processed that piece of information. Dick Grayson alone wasn't a good thing. Dick Grayson alone by his own choice was even worse. 

"Alright, I'll keep you updated if he leaves Bludhaven." He hummed and hung up, running a hand through his hair to ease his stress. This was Jump City all over again and he wasn't going to react like he had previously. He just didn't know what he was going to do. What was the right thing when someone pushed you away whilst desperately wanting you to be there?

"Are you all quite done?" Alfred asked in an exasperated tone. He looked completely done with them all and they could take a guess as to why. The family glanced at each other like naughty schoolchildren who'd just been caught smoking behind the bike shed. None of them said anything and the butler took that as a yes. "Good. You're going on that mission and then you're going to come back and think about what you've done. I'm not losing my grandson because you don't know how to behave." They shrank at his tone, not straightening up until he left the room. 

"He's gone." Barbara was straightforward when she called Bruce and he was thankful for it. Their mission was yesterday and they barely got through without Nightwing there. He wouldn't be called on a mission if it weren't necessary and they felt the loss of him there. 

"When did he leave?"

"Looks like an hour before you called me," she responded. Her voice sounded hoarse but he wouldn't comment on that. "His car was picked up leaving the city and from there he's been driving."

"Driving where?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean?" he pressed, getting increasingly frustrated at how vague this all was. He tried to reign it in so it wouldn't come across as directed at her but he couldn't help if it bled through. 

"He's just driving. There's no logic to it," she replied a little sharply. Looks like it bled through. "I've tried calling him but he's blocked me. I've only got this information from looking at CCTV and dashcam footage. He's removed all his trackers and blocked the location on his phone. I could try to get past it-"

"then get on it-"

"-but I'm not going to. I'll keep an eye on him, make sure he's safe but I'm not gonna push it until necessary." He let out a frustrated huff and bid her goodbye. Whilst she was giving up on the cause, he wasn't. Dick couldn't just run out on them without giving them a chance to make it up to him. That wasn't fair on them...or Dick either. It was a lose-lose situation. He stared at his phone in frustration and decided to try one more time to call his foster son. 

Dick had been driving for a while now but he wasn't sure about the time. He'd gone through at least three playlists though which meant it had been a good while. Was he any calmer? Admittedly yes. He didn't want to feel better though. He actually wanted to stay equally mad throughout the whole experience but he couldn't do it. Did that mean he was going to turn around and go back home? Absolutely not. All it meant was that he was driving with a much more fun playlist and enjoying the peace a little more rather than seething in the car. He'd pretty much used intuition as he drove, picking random turns and motorways. Sometimes he'd pick out a truck and follow them for a while. He'd put his phone on silent so he could only see the many calls and texts coming through. Before leaving, he'd blocked quite a few people but he'd left some unblocked. Namely Bruce. Purely because he wanted to hear the man say sorry and beg to have him in his life. Is that what's going to happen? No, but he was holding out hope. 

When he got to the backroads of God knows where he got a call. From Bruce. Dick debated answering for a while until it got to the last ring and he decided to bite the bullet. This wasn't giving in. This was hearing what he wanted. 

"Speak fast Bruce. I'm not giving you all day," he greeted. 

"Where are you going?" 

"Now that would defeat the purpose of running away, wouldn't it?" 

"Don't get smart with me. You're obviously just driving without thinking so come home before you get lost or break down in the middle of nowhere." Dick debated hanging up there but he wanted to see if he could get an apology. Maybe the lure of knowing he wasn't playing their usual game would get it.

"You know what I want so give it to me and I might turn around."

"What do you want, a medal?" Bruce asked incredulously only to immediately regret it.

"Yeah, I want a fucking medal because I did more for this family than you ever did and they don't even care! Neither do you!" he shouted back. He sighed to himself. He needed to park up before he crashed his car getting angry. A turn-off was ahead so he decided to head for it and hope it didn't lead to him becoming an opening kill in a Wrong Turn movie. "I deserve something."

"Then just tell me," his mentor huffed. "Is it money? New tech? How about we do a mini Thanksgiving?"

"Oh yay, please hold a holiday celebrating a genocide in my honour," Dick snapped. "I want," he paused, wondering if he really wanted to open up to someone as cold as his mentor. Maybe it would be helpful in the long run. Perhaps it could help him to vent about how he was feeling given how often he kept it all cooped up inside. "I want to feel wanted. I miss feeling like I was worth the effort," he admitted quietly. There was silence for a few minutes and in that time, Dick managed to find a clearing away from the dirt road and got out of the car. He found that he was on top of a big hill with a sheer drop about ten feet from his car. Thinking the fresh air would help, the acrobat grabbed his phone and got out of the car to stretch his legs. 

"You are worth the effort," Bruce eventually told him but his protest was brushed off. It was just words at this point. Words that were meant to smooth over the cracks but it only ever highlighted them. Every dip and parting that had formed since the beginning. His family was splintered, it always had been but he didn't realise he was the splinter furthest from the grain. The one they could sand away without a second thought. 

"Sometimes I think what if I wasn't Robin but you were still Batman? What life would that be like and I think this would be it. You continually let me down with no excuses other than surface-level bullshit I'm expected to just accept because you put a roof over my head. It would be this birthday but every event I cared about." He glanced at a rock and kicked it to get out some of the bitter feelings that made his eyes sting with unshed tears. "I'd be the charity case I was meant to be."

"Richard Grayson, you were never a charity case."

"Oh? Then tell me right now that if I wasn't Robin, would you have made a fraction of the not even bare minimum effort you did put in?"

"I'm sorry." That's what he wanted. An apology. Yet now that he had it, he didn't even want it. It just made him mad and frustrated. Why did it take this to get that stupid genuine apology? What hoops would he have to jump through next time?

"I don't want your apologies anymore. I could forgive everyone in time because we're all just fucked up as each other but I can't forgive you. I've been doing it since I was nine and it's exhausting making excuses for a man twice my age all the time." He threw a rock over the edge then let out a sigh. "But, in doing so, I wouldn't have a father and that hurts more than anything. When I lost you, it killed me every day even though I knew you weren't great to me and we fought so much. Grief tends to glamourise I suppose."

"What do you want?" Bruce asked genuinely. He thought for a moment.

"I want my childhood back but that won't happen. I want people to stop forgetting me but that won't happen either. Guess I wanna be appreciated and I'm gonna hold out hope that I can still have that because if I can't, I don't know what else there is," he answered. He threw more rocks over the edge, finding some satisfaction in hearing them drop into the water. Where the fuck was he? 

"I appreciate everything you've done," the older insisted. "I don't say it enough and I've done some awful things to you but please know I appreciate you. More than anything."

"God, why do I need you to be there so much? You've been doing this to me for years yet all I want right now is for this to go back to normal."

"It can if you want it to."

"I don't really want it to! I just want it to so we can have that five-minute grace period where everything seems like it'll be okay. You want it to go back to normal so you can pretend my issues aren't your problem." He stomped back and forth even though there was little point to the action when he was in a clearing. Saved him accidentally walking off the sheer drop he supposed. "I need time Bruce. Maybe I'll come back or maybe I won't but I'm not doing our regular little dance until I've had time to think about what's best for me. If you're smart then you'll let me do that."

"You can't just leave everyone."

"Why not? You've made me do it before."

"Because I don't want you to."

"And I wanted you to appreciate me. If there's one thing you taught me it's we can't get what we want." Dick took a deep breath and leaned against the hood of his car. "I hope whilst I'm gone you learn to actually appreciate what I do for you and not get spiteful about me leaving. I'm blocking you after I end this call but I'll call you when it's time. Bye B." With that, he hung up.