CHAPTER THIRTY
'CONFESSIONS'

༻༺

A/N: Again, I just want to forewarn you that this chapter addresses a sensitive topic. It happened a lot in Britain and Ireland at the time this book is set, yet it was brushed under the carpet for years to preserve the image of the Catholic Church. I've written about it as part of the storyline, but also because it doesn't get talked about as near as much as it should. Everyone should be aware that this did happen. I hope I don't offend anyone. Thank you.

I WATCHED THE BOATS DRIFTING PEACEFULLY ALONG THE RIVER WITH THE BREEZE IN MY HAIR, sitting like a statue on the bench as the world passed by around me. The occasional person or family would walk by, children skipping, laughing enjoying the tranquility of this Sunday afternoon, although I was too engrossed in my thoughts to notice that I even had company as the world I was lost in was far more lonesome. I'd been here for the best part of an hour, having taken the tube and several buses to get here, although it wasn't a route that was unfamiliar to me. I often came to this idyllic park to think, reflect or just be on my own. It held many memories, some good, others not so good. But it was a place I could always turn to and had done for many years. It was sort of my own secret corner of the world, so to speak.

Then again, no matter how peaceful it was here, that vicious phone call from my mother just hours ago was still as fresh in my mind as it had been then, although looking back now there was plenty more I wish I could have said - I was just too angry at the time to continue. I was still in shock she even brought that 'issue' up in the first place; the fact she thought the break in was a justified reason to do so making no sense whatsoever. She knew that was the one thing that could hurt me more than anything else, yet for her it was simply ammunition which my parents had used many times before. It just showed how cold-hearted my mother, and my father for that matter, truly were and I meant it when I said I never wanted to speak to them again. After what they'd put me through, it was the least they deserved.

Anyway, as I sat there gazing at the view in front of me, I didn't even hear the approaching footsteps on the gravel path until the person they belonged to spoke up;

'So this is where you went,' I turned my head to see Roger strolling towards me, hands shoved in his pockets as he scrunched up his face at the low sun shining in his eyes.

I was surprised to see him, not understanding how he figured out where I was, 'How did you?—'

'Brian told me. After searching everywhere I could think of I eventually admitted defeat,' he said as he sat himself down on the bench, 'He said you'd probably be here, though he didn't mention why. Y'know, you could have chosen somewhere closer to home. Cost me a days pay on fuel just to get here.'

I gave the blonde a disapproving look as he just cracked a smile and said, 'I'm joking, I'm joking.' I rolled my eyes at him and looked down at ground as he slung his arm along the top of the metal seat, 'So go on then. Why did you leave the house in a state and come all the way out here? And I know it wasn't just for the view.'

Fiddling with a loose thread on the sleeve of my coat, I admitted, 'My mother phoned today.'

'Fuck,' Roger mumbled, 'I'm guessing it wasn't a casual chat about the weather, was it?'

I shook my head, 'She knows about the burglary. They both do.'

The drummer rubbed his forehead worriedly, 'What did she say?'

'What didn't she say?' I scoffed, as he waited for me to elaborate, 'Apparently the break in was my fault, like everything else is. I'm irresponsible, and stupid and shouldn't have been trusted to look after their house in the first place. It was all guns blazing; from both sides of the line. Needless to say I don't think we'll be speaking to each other for quite some time...'

'Oh, love,' Roger said sympathetically as I leaned forward and rested my head in my hands, the blonde scootching closer and rubbing my back comfortingly, 'None of it was your fault, don't even think for a minute that it was,' I sniffled, wiping a few tears away, 'Hey, come on, there's no need to get upset...'

'No,' I pushed myself away from him and replied without thinking, 'No, that's not why I'm upset.'

'Then what is it?'

I shook my head, and told him honestly, 'You wouldn't understand.'

He gave me a serious look, 'Try me.'

I bit my lip, avoiding eye contact. It didn't take Roger long to realise that there was more to this than I was letting on.

'Heidi, what's really going on here?' I simply ignored him, 'Come on, you know I won't judge.'

I sat there motionless, debating in my head whether or not I should tell him. It was one of the most personal, most confidential things about myself. Telling him, I would be revealing a part of my life that hardly anybody knew existed (which is how I wanted it to remain). It wasn't something I could disclose easily, but now he'd travelled all the way out here and seen how upset I was, anything but the truth wasn't going to sell.

'Darling, please, you're starting to worry me now. If there's something bothering you, tell me, I might be able to help.' the drummer told me as I sat there struggling to keep myself together. When I refused to say anything, Roger sighed, 'Look, if you really don't want to talk about it, it's fine. All I want to know is that you're alright.'

After a lot of self-assurance, I finally managed look him in the eye, 'There was something else my mum brought up during our argument....'

'What?'' he asked, carefully.

I sighed heavily, bouncing my knee up and down nervously, 'God, I can't even say it out loud...'

'It's fine - just take your time.'

Once my conflicted thoughts finally came to an agreement, I looked up at him and said bluntly, 'You can't tell anyone what I'm about to share with you, okay?'

'Done.' he shrugged.

'No, no, Rog, that's not enough,' I turned my whole body to face him, 'I need you to promise me you will never breathe a word of this to anybody, not to Brian, or Freddie or John or Penny, no one. Very few people know about this and the only reason I'm telling you is because I trust you. It's something I keep extremely private, you got that?'

I could tell by the look on his face that he knew this was serious. He nodded, 'I promise.'

Happy with that answer, I sat back in my seat and sighed, remaining silent for a moment as I tried to find a place to even begin, 'Something happened six years ago, something that no one in our family has really accepted or forgiven me for. I was still in high school at the time. We lived in Surrey before we came up to London, I went to an all girls public school there but I hated it, hated it with every bone in my body. The girls there were horrible, all daughters of lords and ladies and rich business people. Although being from a similar background and growing up in the area I never fit in or felt at home, and unfortunately my results academically reflected that.'

The drummer looked confused, 'But you're so smart. I mean you study Chemistry, you must have done something right.'

I shook my head, 'I just scraped by in school. Half the time I was winging it, I suppose I got lucky. Anyway, I didn't like it there at all. I asked my parents if I could transfer to a different school, but they wouldn't listen to me, as always. I wanted to run away, to be honest, and I tried to on several occasions. Until, this family moved in just up the street.'

I paused for a second as two people walked past us, paranoia suddenly setting in. I continued once they were out of earshot.

'They...had a son. He was a year older than me. The school he attended was close to mine so we used to walk the same route there every morning and afternoon. He was unlike anyone I'd ever met. He was carefree, genuine - different from everyone else, as cliche as it sounds. He took me to my first concert, bought me my first drink. I used to sneak out the house and go to the local dances with him and his friends,' smiled to myself, 'They're some of the happiest memories I have. I finally felt like I belonged.'

But my smiled soon disappeared.

'Then it all went horribly wrong.' I looked out at the boats on the river, 'My parents didn't like who I was hanging around with i.e. people who weren't their sort. They tried to stop me seeing him, but I wouldn't listen. I lost interest in school, often bunking off in an act of defiance. We got close during this time me and him, perhaps too close. Until eventually one night I came back to his house after a party, one thing led to another and...well, you can probably work out yourself what happened. 'And I...' I felt myself choke up as I tried to force the words out of my mouth, '...fell pregnant.'

There was a long silence as Roger sat forward and rested his elbows on his knees, obviously shocked, not that I expected him to be anything less. My hands shook and tears welled in my eyes as the memories of that year played back in my head like a horror film.

Once the information had sank in, the blonde cleared his throat and asked tentatively, 'Wh-what happened...?'

After taking a moment to get myself together, I did my best to carry on, 'I didn't realise in the beginning. It was only once there were signs that I knew what was going on. I told him first; we didn't know what to do. We couldn't go to the doctors as what we'd done was illegal - he was of age but at I was only 15 at the time. God, I don't know how I could have been so stupid? We agreed to just keep it to ourselves, which was all well and good for a while, until the weeks then turned into months...'

'It didn't take long for my parents to put two and two together and all hell broke loose. It was like World War Three between the two households, my father accused their son of taking advantage of me, which wasn't the case at all, and I was labelled everything under the sun by his family. I couldn't go to school in my 'condition' meaning I fell even further behind in my studies. My parents were terrified of word getting out, the shame it would bring to the family. They were more concerned about what people would think or say than their own daughter. So instead of approaching the situation, my parents decided to do what they thought was the answer to their 'problem'. To dismiss it from their lives completely.'

I looked down at the ground blankly.

'They told me I was going to stay with my grandmother...I believed them,' a few tears rolled down my cheeks, 'They sent me to a convent just down the road from here...left me there and just walked out like they were dropping me off at holiday camp,' I scoffed, 'You'd think being so well off they would have been able to find a better solution, but no...they wanted to punish me for what I'd done, and God knows they succeeded. I spent the remainder of those nine months sharing a dorm with 20 other girls, all in the same boat as me. The nuns were unsympathetic and cruel, they made us work in the laundry or kitchens, whether we were 13 weeks or 40 weeks, to earn our stay and remind us why we were there. If we didn't abide by their rules or work hard enough, we were punished...often physically. I still have the scar from where one of the head nuns stubbed her cigarette out on my arm. I'll never forget that place till the day I die...it was hell on earth.'

There was a short silence as the drummer tried to take it all in, shaking his head in disbelief.

'Where the hell was your lad during all this?' he eventually asked.

I was fighting to keep control of my emotions, 'He wasn't allowed to visit me. I tried sending letters, but not long after I went away he and his family moved up north to get away from everything...I never saw him again...'

The was another uncomfortable silence as the birds chirped and the waves gently hit against the banks of the river.

'And what about...y'know, the baby?' he asked tentatively, obviously trying his best not to upset me further.

I looked up at the view, 'On the 2nd of August, 1966...I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Don't get me wrong I was surrounded by strangers when she was born and it was the most scariest and painful thing I'd ever experienced, but looking down at her the first time I held her, despite everything I'd been through, despite the heartache, to see her at last it was so worth it.'

The small smile on my face faded.

'I was given just two days with her. Two days. Then they took her away from me. I tried everything I could to stop it happening; there was no warning, no consent. One minute she was sleeping peacefully in the nursery and the next she was gone. I found out later that it was my parents that made the decision to give her up for adoption. They did it behind my back, let me think even for a split second that I would walk out those doors with her in my arms, then ripped her away from me. I cried every night for months after that. It was the most heartless thing that anyone could do...'

'Jesus Christ...' Roger could barely comprehend what he was hearing, 'D-do you know where she is now?'

I shook my head lightly, 'All I know is they gave her to a married couple. My parents told me, 'At least now she'll get the proper love and care she requires' as if I couldn't provide that. I know I was young, still a child myself, and raising one of my own would have been far from easy but I could have tried...they didn't even give me the chance. As soon as I came home, there was an obvious change in atmosphere; there still is even now. We moved to London for a fresh start, I went to a different school, did better in my studies and managed to get into uni. My parents decided to move again so they gave me their house before they left, obviously as a way to try and ease the tension...or out of guilt. Either way, it didn't work, as you can see today. They've never forgiven me and I've never forgiven them. I resent them...I probably always will.'

There was another short silence until the drummer asked, 'Does Brian know about this?'

I shook my head, 'He's my closest friend, Roger. I couldn't tell him something like that, it would destroy him. If I need to be alone or think, I come here. Whilst I was staying at the convent I would sometimes sneak out and walk around the park, just to get away from the place. I would sit on this bench and talk to this little thing inside me, share my thoughts and feelings like it could understand, ' I revealed a small smile, 'I sit here sometimes and talk to myself although really I'm talking to her, hoping that by some miracle she can hear me, wherever she is,' I inhaled a sharp breath, struggling to even speak, 'It's silly, I-I know.'

'It's not silly, Heidi. Not in the slightest.' Roger assured me. I looked down at the ground with my eyes squeezed shut, 'Have you...thought about trying to find her?'

'I don't even know where I'd begin,' I sighed, 'I mean, she would've been given a different name when she was adopted. It would be impossible to track her down.'

The blonde seemed surprised, 'You named her?'

'Well, it was never made official in writing, but I named her Rosemarie, after my grandmother on my mother's side. I loved my grandma, she was a kind and loving person, completely different from my mother. It just seemed right, y'know?'

The drummer just nodded understandably.

'I would have called her Rosie for short,' I smiled, 'It's small things like that you think about. What could have been. There's times I think maybe giving her away was for the best, logically speaking. She'll have grown up in a loving home with stability that only a proper family could give. But then I remember the heartache, the heartache only a mother could feel being separated from her child. How could anyone do that to someone, especially their own daughter?...' it was then that I could no longer keep the floodgates closed and I completely fell apart as I cried, 'I was 16 years old, Rog. 16!'

'Hey, hey, hey. Come here,' Roger said softly as he put his arm around me and pulled me to him, the defensive barrier I always held up coming crashing down. I sobbed into his shoulder, letting out emotions I'd been bottling up for a long time. It was overwhelming, revealing such a personal thing like that, but it was also a relief. I was never one for showing my true feelings, I often let things build up rather than let anyone know what was going on.

I continued my outflow of emotions until I no longer had the energy to cry. The drummer didn't say anything, he just held me in an embrace whilst I tried to get myself together again. The two of us sat there in comfortable silence for a good amount of time, staring out at the boats on the river as the sun slowly began to set, which created a orange haze across the water. I closed my eyes and sighed, mentally and emotionally exhausted. But I was glad that at least I wasn't alone. Looking back at Roger and I's past relationship, I never thought we would be where we are today. He was now one of my closest friends, no doubt about it.

As evening began to well and truly settle in, I heard Roger ask me quietly, 'You okay?'

'Yeah,' I nodded, looking down at the ground, 'I'm so sorry for dumping all of that on you, Roger. It's just with everything that's happened recently and my mum bringing that up today, it...it was just the final straw.'

'There's no need to apologise,' he rubbed my arm reassuringly, 'It's better to talk than to bottle stuff up. Your friends will always be there for you, Heidi, including me. You ever need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, I'm here, alright? And I am so sorry this happened to you, love...I really am.'

I just nodded and closed my eyes to stop more tears, as Roger pressed a gentle kiss to the top of my head.

'Come on, let's get you home,' he said softly and slowly got up from his seat, myself wiping my face as the breeze nipped at my tear stained cheeks. He held a hand out for me - I just looked up at him, a small smile adorning his lips - before taking it graciously and getting up as well.

We walked along the river side hand in hand, standing close to each other for warmth as the sun disappeared and the evening air grew colder.

As we strolled along the gravel path back to where Roger had parked his car, he turned to me and asked casually, 'You hungry?'

I glanced at him, still somehow unable to look him in the eye for any longer than a split second, 'A bit.'

We continued walking, 'Fancy a chippy for tea tonight? My treat?

'Depends. Can we stop at that really good one, y'know the one on Station Road? I can't remember what it's called.'

The blonde just laughed, 'We can stop at whichever one you want.'

I smiled, 'In that case, I'd really like that, Rog. I'd like that a lot. Thank you.'

Simply shrugging and smiling in reply, we soon made it back to the car and on our way back to West London.

The journey home seemed shorter than when I'd travelled using public transportation, and to be honest I was glad of it. We stopped off at my requested chippy on the way home and had our dinner sitting on the bonnet of Roger's Mini - the pair of us laughing and chatting away - an hour ago nothing but a distant memory, which is exactly how I wanted it to be. Although I'd confided in the blonde, I didn't want what I'd told him to change anything. Despite what I'd been through, I was still the same person, I knew that nothing would change, other than maybe Roger would understand me a bit better, why I can come across as cold when I don't mean to be. That was one thing I liked about the drummer - nothing really phased him. If anyone wouldn't treat me any different, it would be him.

And right now there was no one I would rather be with.

-

Hey guys!

So here it is. Sorry about the wait for this chapter, it took a lot longer to finish than I thought it would because it's long but mainly I wanted to do it properly by doing research. It was difficult to write, to be honest, but I hope I approached it correctly. Nevertheless, if you enjoyed it, please give it a vote or leave a comment. It would mean ever so much.

Thank you ❤️

- Anna :-)