CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT
'COME HOME'

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'SO ROG NEVER MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT WHERE HE WAS GOING? HE DIDN'T LEAVE A NOTE, HE JUST WALKED OUT?' Brian asked me as we sat in his flat, the afternoon sun pouring through the window and shining across the kitchen table.

I just shook my head, blinking my eyes which were red and puffy from crying as I stared down at my now cold mug of tea, 'If he had done, I wouldn't have to ask you if you'd seen him. You two are best friends, I thought he'd come to you for advice, or phoned you at least?'

'Heidi, you know I would've told you if he had.' the guitarist replied, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder.

I sighed quietly, 'God, I've really fucked up this time, haven't I, Bri?'

He just gave my sympathetic smile, 'Roger will come home when he's ready, I know he will.'

It'd been two days since the drummer walked out and nobody had heard from him since. I wasn't expecting him to let me know if he was alright, especially after the way I'd treated him, but I'd hoped maybe he'd contacted one of the others to let them know what was going on as the truth was I was really starting to worry about him. Freddie and John had already done a tour of all the pubs and bars in the area whilst Brian and I had been round knocking on the doors of friends houses in case he'd stayed at one of theirs, but to no avail. It was clear that no one knew where Roger was, and the longer he was missing, the even worse I felt about the whole situation.

I still couldn't believe how horrible I'd been to him, and the fact I'd kissed another bloke, made it a thousand times more disgraceful. The entirety of the evening had only come back to me gradually over the last couple of days - I was mortified to say the least. Had I just been honest and told Roger the news about Colin, the whole thing could have been avoided - I would never have snapped at him, we wouldn't have fallen out and I would never had said those things to him. But me being me, I had to keep pushing Rog away until he hated my guts, which I had no doubt that he did right now. Although I knew he couldn't hate me any more than how much I hated myself.

'I can't believe I didn't catch on to the fact you and Roger were a thing, though,' Brian suddenly spoke up, breaking me out of my thoughts, as he recalled what I'd confessed to him earlier. I was just glad he hadn't heard Roger that morning he came round to ours whilst we were in the middle of shagging, although I don't know how he couldn't of, 'How long had that been going on for?'

'About a month,' I murmured, still unable to look the guitarist in the eye, 'It just sort of...happened. It wasn't meant to be serious, it was just a daft fling; I never expected to actually end up developing feelings for Rog,' I scoffed, 'Could I have been more wrong?'

'Well, if that's the case, then why did you push him away?' the guitarist asked bluntly, as I looked down at the table again, 'Forgive me, Heidi, but I'm struggling to understand why you'd think that would be a better option than just being honest and telling him about Colin?'

I tried to come up with a excuse, 'I was drunk, Bri, I wasn't thinking clearly...'

But he saw straight through me, 'Nah, I'm sorry, love, but I don't buy it. There's more to this, I know there is. Tell me.'

Giving my friend a disapproving look, I had to stop with the dishonesty and just tell the truth - for once.

'He should be with somebody else...'

He stared at me in confusion, 'What?

'I've done nothing these last few months but push Roger away and act like a bitch to him and he's put up with it every single day. He doesn't deserve to be with a toxic, messed up person like me. I'm turning into my mother!'

The guitarist sighed, 'Heidi, you're not toxic, or anything like your mum.'

'Really? Because I seem to hurt anyone who cares about me yet I let people who intended to hurt me get closer, i.e. Colin,' I was starting to get emotional again as my voice trembled, 'Anyone could see he was a right piece of work and what he was capable of but I couldn't.'

'Hey, no one could have predicted the lengths he went to make your life hell. That was not your fault.'

But I didn't agree, 'I was going to tell Rog about Colin, I was, but after I saw him with that girl it completely clouded my mind, even though I knew deep down nothing had happened between them. I'm my own worst enemy, Brian. I have serious issues that have culminated from...a number of things. My emotions are all over the place.'

'Is that why you kissed that other bloke - to get back at him?'

I just nodded my head in shame.

'Oh, Heidi, what were you thinking? That ain't like you.'

'I know,' I groaned as I dropped my head in my hands, more tears threatening to fall, 'It made the whole situation a million times worse, it was the pettiest thing I've ever done. I wish I could go back and erase the past but I can't. Roger will never forgive me for what I did.'

'I'm sure he'll come around, love.' the guitarist said reassuringly.

'You didn't see his face, Bri,' I told the guitarist seriously, 'I might as well have ripped his heart out and threw it on the ground. What'd been going on between us meant more to Rog than I ever imagined. Before he left he told me he loved me. I thought it was just in the heat of the moment, but I know now that he meant it.'

'Oh.' Brian replied, the situation more serious than he'd thought.

I looked down at my mug of tea again, 'It's true when they say you don't know how good you've got something until it's gone. All Roger ever did was look out for me, care about me. He made me so happy and what did I do? I threw it back in his face like the ungrateful cow I am. I never wanted him to leave, I never meant for it to go that far.'

There was a small silence between the guitarist and myself, as I rested my head in my hands and let my emotions out. Whilst Brian comforted me, he asked a question I never thought I'd answer.

'Do you feel the same way?'

I looked up at him through tear filled eyes, 'What?'

'Roger - do you love him?'

'Would it hurt losing him this much if I didn't?' I replied, wiping my eyes with my hand, 'Of course I do, Bri. I never thought I'd say it, but I love him more than anything. I know he'll never want to be with me after the way I treated him, but I just need to know he's alright. I'm going out of my mind not knowing where he is and being unable to tell him how sorry I am. Whether he forgives me or not, I just want him to come home.'

Giving me a sympathetic smile, Brian moved the tissue box closer to me so I could wipe my nose. As we sat there in comfortable silence, I heard someone come in the front door of Brian's flat. I looked over my shoulder to see a tired looking John entering the room.

'Hey.' he said with a small smile.

'Hey, John,' Brian replied as I gave the bassist the best smile I could. 'Any luck?'

'I'm afraid not,' he said woefully, 'I tried a few places south of the Thames, in case anyone we knew there had seen him. Freddie phoned Roger's mum earlier to see if she'd heard from him, not that he told her why of course. But still, nothing.'

Brian sighed, 'This is getting ridiculous. We've got gigs and crucial recording time in the studio coming up. We can't afford to reschedule them.'

'I know,' John replied, equally as concerned, 'He needs to get his act together and get back here as soon as possible. We can't wait on him forever.'

'I'm so sorry, guys,' I spoke up, the guilt unbearable, 'It's my fault you don't have a drummer and my fault you're having to put your career on hold because of it. I never thought about how this would affect the band. I can't apologise enough.'

'Don't worry about it, Heidi,' John smiled sweetly, putting a hand on my shoulder, 'It's not the first time he's done a runner. He'll come back when he's ready, he always does.'

'Yeah, the sooner the better.' Brian nodded.

I looked up at the bassist, giving him a smile and reached up to squeeze his hand lightly, 'Thank you for looking anyway, Deaky. I appreciate everything you've done, more than you'll ever know.'

'You're more than welcome,' he replied, 'I just wish I came bearing good news.'

I shrugged, 'Like you said, Rog will show up when he's ready. Now go home and get some rest, you must be tired.'

'To be fair, Heidi, if anyone here needs rest it's you. You haven't slept in days.' the guitarist reminded me like a concerned parent.

'Brian's right, y'know, you do look shattered. Come on, I'll drop you off at yours on the way home.' John said, taking his car keys out of his pocket.

I looked at him in worry, 'I don't want to be of anymore trouble, John.'

'I'm going in that direction anyway, it's no trouble at all. Would you rather walk?' he asked. I frowned in response, 'Thought not. Right, that settles it. Get your coat on, love, you're coming with me.'

John bid Brian farewell and said he'd wait in his car, leaving me to put on my coat and say goodbye as well.

'Looks like I'm off then.' I told the guitarist as I got up and slipped my coat on, 'I don't think I've ever seen Deaky this assertive before.'

Brian just chuckled, 'It's because he's been on a mission all day, you see. Once he's on a roll, he can be more authoritative than you think.'

For the first time in days, I laughed, albeit meekly.

'Listen,' Brian also stood up, 'Try not to worry and get some rest, alright? You need it.'

'How can I not worry, Bri? Roger's still missing. I won't be able to relax until I know he's safe and sound.'

'I know, Heidi, but just try and stay positive. We'll find him or he'll come back to us; one or the other.'

'I hope you're right,' I replied, before stepping forward and suddenly hugging the guitarist, catching him off guard slightly, 'Thank you, Brian,' I murmured into his shoulder.

'What are you thanking me for?' he chuckled, as he hugged me back.

'For being my friend,' I said, looking up at him, 'You've been there for me whenever I needed you, you've put up with me during my worst times and I know I take you for granted, but I truly appreciate everything you do. I'll pay you back one day, I promise.'

He just smiled at me as he pulled me into another hug, 'Don't be silly, it's what any friend would do,' as I began to cry - again. When we pulled back, Brian wiped my tears away and chuckled, 'Hey, enough of that, you've shed enough of those for one day. Now, you'd best head - Deaky will be getting impatient.'

'You're right,' I chuckled lightly, as I gave the guitarist one last smile, 'See you later, Bri.'

'Take care, Heidi.' he smiled back before I walked out the kitchen to his door and leaving the flat, heading out to John's car.

When I arrived at it, I got into the passengers seat and gave John a small smile as I shut the door behind me. Giving me a smile back, the bassist started the car and pulled away as we began the journey to mine, where I hoped to get even just a couple of hours sleep, despite how slim the chances were.

-

hello everyone!

again, i am so sorry for the wait for this chapter, i bashed half of it out last night at 2 in the morning (which seems to be when i can write best for some reason??) but i hope this makes up for it. i just want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who's been reading my books, especially lately. since bo rhap came out, my reads have shot up and my notifications have been going crazy. i'm sorry i don't respond to the comments that you all leave, it's simply because there's so many of them they've usually disappeared into the abyss that is my notifications by the time i see them 😂 but yeah thank you so much for the support! i've received such lovely messages from folk and it's so heartwarming to hear that people enjoy what i write. it makes it worthwhile. it's unlikely i'll update again before christmas and maybe even new year so if i don't i hope you all have a very merry christmas and a happy new year!

all my love and thanks,

anna x