CHAPTER THIRTY NINE
'NOW MORE THAN EVER'

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IT HAD NOW BEEN THREE DAYS SINCE ROGER HAD GONE MISSING AND I WAS ABOUT THIS CLOSE TO PHONING THE POLICE. The boys kept assuring me he would come home; they seemed pretty confident about it. But the longer we heard nothing from him, the more anxious I was starting to get. Anything could have happened to him over the last couple of days and we wouldn't know. The very thought made me feel sick to the stomach but I couldn't help these thoughts from plaguing my mind, no matter how hard I tried to stay positive. If anything happened to Rog, it would be on my hands. I'd made many mistakes in my life, but I don't think I'd ever able to forgive myself for that.

Evening had set in and I was currently in the living room curled up on the couch, staring at the wall in front of me and biting my nails nervously with the telephone that usually resided in the hallway sitting on the coffee table. I'd decided to plug it in here in case the drummer decided to call or there was any news, although the likelihood of there being any at this rate was starting to look bleak. I hadn't slept or ate properly in days, the guilt wouldn't let me, which was obvious by my dishevelled appearance. But I didn't care, all I cared about was finding Roger, but being currently under strict instructions to stay put made by Brian that was easier said than done.

'We don't need you going missing too, love.' That were the guitarist's words when he came round to my place this morning. I'd been up all night, predictably, unable to rest because of my guilt ridden thoughts. I was about to head out and search for the drummer again, with the intention of checking hotels or B&B's in hope he was hiding some place nearby firmly in my mind. Brian, though, wasn't having any of it, 'Somebody needs to be here if he comes home.' he said, which was true enough. We'd already checked everywhere possible so I did as I was told, but I would rather be out there at least trying to fix the problem than sitting in here stewing in my own self-hatred.

Anyway, as I sat there lost in my thoughts, I looked down at my sketchbook that was sitting on the coffee table. Leaning forward and picking it up, I held it in my hands, the memory of that evening Roger gave it to me which felt so long ago coming back to me and making me smile. I entered the number combination and opened it up, flicking through the few pages which had been used.

I'd drawn mostly trivial things, like the flowers in the garden or the birds that often sat in the tree next to my bedroom window. I hadn't drawn at all lately, what with my mind being elsewhere. I continued to flick through it, looking back at the things that had taken my interest, until I came to the last drawing in the book which was of a peacefully sleeping Roger the same morning he asked me to perform a striptease for him. I shook my head and chuckled just thinking about it. Looking down at the drawing, I could only smile, although the longer I stared at it the more emotional I could feel myself become.

Gently running my fingers over the page, a stray tear landed on the paper, 'Please come home,' I whispered to myself. Sitting back, I held the sketchbook close to my chest and closed my eyes, sighing quietly and hoping for a miracle. Little did I know just minutes later my prayers would be answered when I heard the sound of a car pulling up outside which suddenly grabbed my attention.

I knew it wasn't Brian or John, they'd come over so often lately I knew the sound of their cars by now. But I knew this one too, so without any hesitation I put my sketchbook down and jumped up from my seat, before practically throwing myself over the side of the couch and rushing towards the window.

'Please, God, please.' I murmured to myself once I'd reached the curtains, crossing everything and hoping for the best.

Pulling them back, I was scared to look, but when I was greeted by the sight of the green Mini back in its spot next to the kerb I took in a sharp breath. Putting a hand over my mouth I tried to hold back tears, whilst a massive weight felt like it'd been lifted from my shoulders. I watched Roger climb out of his car and shut the door behind him, looking tired but still in one piece as he closed the garden gate and made his way up the path, exactly like that first morning he arrived here.

As soon as I heard the front door opening, I made a dash across the living room before tentatively stepping through the doorway. Closing the front door behind him, Roger turned around where his gaze finally met with mine. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't tell if he was still angry with me or not. Luckily though my worries were put at ease when he gave me sweet smile; a smile which I'd missed more than anything. Relief washed over me as I let out a quiet sob and ran into his arms, making him utter a small 'oof' when I almost knocked the poor lad over. He didn't seem to mind though; he just chuckled and wrapped his arms around me as I cried into his chest, holding onto him and never wanting to let him go again.

After a couple more seconds of silent embrace, I gave him a hard shove, 'Where the hell have you been?!' I exclaimed in a sudden burst of rage, 'We've been all over London looking for you. You've had the boys and I worried sick!'

'I was at my grandmother's up in Norfolk,' he explained, 'I stayed there for a couple of days, to clear my head, y'know.'

No wonder we couldn't find him. Sighing heavily, I pulled him back into another hug and tried to say through unglamorous sobs, 'I'm so sorry, Rog. I'm so, so sorry - for everything.'

He rubbed my back comfortingly, 'It's alright, love.'

'No, no, it's not alright,' I looked up at him, 'I've been a horrible person and what I did was unforgivable.'

'Heidi—'

'Please, I have to say this. Look, I know it's not an excuse, but you need to know the full story. The day you left had already gotten off to a bad start. Whilst you were at work, I found out that—'

'Colin got out of prison.' he drummer finished my sentence.

I gave him a quizzical look, 'How did you know?'

'I stopped at Kensington Market on the way here to drop off some stuff and bumped into Freddie. He told me everything.'

'Oh, I see,' I nodded, 'Anyway, I wasn't in the best frame of mind as I'm sure you'll remember. I was upset and that and the drinking combined - I took my anger out on you when I should have just been honest and told you the truth. I should never have said those things, Rog, and I most certainly shouldn't have kissed another guy as revenge for something you didn't even do—'

'Hey, hey, hey,' the drummer calmed me down as I'd barely taken a breath since I'd began talking, 'Look at me,' he lifted my chin up, ''Did you mean what you said? Any of it?'

I shook my head furiously, 'No, no, of course not.'

'Then it's fine. I shouldn't have spoken to that girl in the first place or walked out after our argument, that was unnecessary. Some of the things I said to you weren't nice either, and for that I'm sorry. But you don't need to apologise to me any more, Heidi. All is forgiven.'

'But I broke your heart, Rog,' I cried, 'The look on your face when you left...I can't forgive myself for that.'

'Well, you're going to have to try.' he told me with a sympathetic smile.

Sniffling, I tried to hold back more tears, 'If you want to move out, I won't stop you.'

'What?'

'I don't deserve a second chance, Rog, not after the way I've treated you. You should be with someone who doesn't treat you like shit.'

'Heidi, how many times do I have to say it?' the blonde looked at me seriously, 'I don't want to be with somebody else because in case you'd forgotten I fucking love you.'

I smiled as more tears welled in my eyes, 'You really meant that then?'

'You bet I did, darling,' he smiled back, 'Look, I know that life hasn't been kind to you, for a long time. As tough and hard-headed as you are, I know you're not as strong as you make out to be. I can see the pain and anger within you caused by trauma that you've never completely dealt with,' I looked down at the floor, 'But you're not alone anymore.'

'Roger—' I tried to interject.

'Your problems are my problems now, you don't have to bottle stuff up and go through things on your own. I'm gonna be there for you, Heidi. I want to be there for you and keep you safe. But to do that, I think we should start with a clean slate.'

The drummer reached into the pocket of his leather jacket and took out a small silver key with the number 21 on the key chain.

'What's this?' I asked as he handed it to me.

'That,' Roger nodded, 'is your key to our new flat.'

I looked up at him in utter disbelief, thinking I'd heard him wrong, 'Are-are you joking?'

He smiled and shook his head, 'It's nothing fancy - it's a small, one-bedroom ground floor flat in Barnes. But the rent's alright and the bills can't be any worse than this place,' Roger elaborated, 'See, whilst I was up in Norfolk, I had time to think. This house, as nice as it is, holds too many memories. Some good, but mostly bad. Am I wrong?'

I wiped away a few tears, 'No.'

'I just thought it would do you good, to be finally free from this place. As for uni, well that's your decision. If you want to go to art school instead, you do that; no one's going to stop you this time. I'll support you one hundred percent. We can move in next week - only if you want to, of course?'

Breaking into a small smile, I laughed, 'Rog, we could live in a cardboard box and I'd be happy as long as I was with you,' Stepping forward, I wrapped my arms around him in another tight hug and gave him a kiss on the cheek, 'I don't know what to say. After everything I've done, I don't deserve this. Thank you so much.'

'Hey, you need to stop beating yourself up, alright?' he told me, 'Despite all that may have happened, you are not a bad person, Heidi, don't even think for a minute that you are. You mean the world to me. Besides, I was always going to come back...my drum kit's here.'

'Ha-ha, very funny.' I broke into a laugh as the drummer just chuckled and flashed me that heart stopping smile.

'Just promise me one thing?' he asked.

'Anything.' I replied sincerely.

'Please lay off the drink for a while, just until things get better.'

I smiled, 'Of course,' I wouldn't touch the stuff ever again if I had to. Looking up at him, I took his face in my hands and pressed my lips against his, the blonde quickly responding by kissing me back softly. Pulling back, I told him something I never thought I would say but was long overdue; he needed to hear it, 'I love you, Roger.'

He gave me a surprised look, 'Really?'

I nodded, 'So much. I'm sorry it took almost pushing you away to realise it.'

Roger just smiled, 'Don't worry about it, love, the past is in the past. All that matters now is the future.'

Nodding in agreement, I held the drummer in another embrace, still not quite believing he was home and never wanting to let him go, after having come so close to losing him before. Despite this though it'd been the wake up call I needed to realise just how lucky I was to have such a wonderful person in my life. It'd been so long since anyone truly cared about me, I'd forgotten what it felt like. I immediately promised myself I would never take Roger for granted again because the truth was I needed him, now more than ever. And with him by my side, I couldn't wait to see what the future had in store for us because we'd be ready for it; we'd been through so much already. Whatever life decided to throw our way, I knew we'd come out of it stronger on the other side.

-

hey everyone!

i hope you all had a lovely christmas and new year! so that's it, that was the last chapter of the main story. i know i'm sad too.

but before you burst into tears like me this is not the end of the book! i've not quite finalised any ideas yet but there will be an epilogue to come so keep a look out for that. i'll leave the big long emotional message till then lmao.

for now though thank you so much for reading this book and bearing with me and my sporadic updates, i can't quite believe myself it's almost at an end. i may need your input about where to go after this whether that be a sequel, a different book entirely etc. bc i'll be honest with you i don't really know haha!

but for now tho i'll leave you with this as i have a lot of work for college i need to do. i've been so lazy over the christmas break i'm not even joking lmao.

all my love,

anna x